NOT ALL DAYS ARE EQUAL

Some days are hard. Life is hard. Sometimes it takes a week before I can take the towels out of the dryer. The words don’t come. When they do, they are dryer than dry.

The sun came out today. I thought that would make me happy but it only made my glumness take hold. It was thick. It made it difficult to keep my eyes opened. My legs felt like cement pillars. But I did try to run with Sheba this morning.

It was not a total success. No surprise there, right? I wondered at the perfectly manicured green lawns along our route. Where did people find the energy? Why did they care? They were beautiful, these lush, thick emerald carpets. Even in my state of mind, I appreciated them.

We entered the park. The heaviness eased its burden, for how can it not – amidst God’s green acres. The beauty was too great and it fled, its dark tail between cement legs. I was freed to enjoy God’s creations, if only for moments.

WonderWomanV5 — Wonder Woman. Art by Terry Dodson Wikipedia

No all days are equal. I know that for sure. Days like today will come again and I will weather it again. So the towels sit in the dryer for a few days. No harm done. My words will play hide and seek with me but they always come back. I need not be a hero and scale walls of tall buildings. I am only Wonder Woman and not Spider Man. I can use these boots and just walk around them. Life continues.

A BEGINNING

So many evenings when I am brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed, I see so many things that I ~~needed~~ wanted to do and hadn’t. I would vow to myself that I would do them tomorrow. Of course tomorrow never comes. I realize NOW is my tomorrow and it is time to do all those things.

It is not easy of course. Somehow, something ALWAYS come up and you want to say, maybe I’ll do it tomorrow. But after awhile you hear this echo. You have to stop and listen and ask yourself, How many times have I said that?

You hang your head in shame. Life is difficult. Life is messy. You are between a rock and a hard place. None of your options are palatable. You tremble in the unfairness of life. You wonder why God is testing you in this way.

I know for sure there is a reason why HE put me in this place. Because I have trust and faith in the unknown, I am able to breathe into the Universe and draw back strength to take a step forward. I am beginning a new journey.

BACK INTO THE DESERT

Just as I am physically moving out of the desert, I am easing into Lent. I am back in the desert where the mornings and nights are cool and air is so clear. The doves are cooing and the song birds are singing their song. The quails strut their stuff.

I am happy in the desert. I love its barrenness. There are no distractions. There’s no news – no television, no radio. There are no things for me to want, no cravings to satisfy. There is only quietness and stillness. I can almost hear God’s whisper echoing in the canyons. I can see his shadow in the moonlight.

I can see forever in the desert. I can breathe with ease. I can still my mind and listen to my own heartbeat. I will follow it when it is time to leave the desert again.

MIRACLES

It is March 22, 38 days into Lent. My days in the desert are coming to an end. What better time to talk about miracles than in these last days?

Did I ever tell you that I saw Jesus on the cross? It was in my mind’s eye that I saw him. I felt his ever loving arms surround me. I felt his radiance. I felt his warmth. And I felt lost never more…me, the ever lost shepherd.

I had lost the gift of my third eye for awhile. I became lost again for awhile. But in these days of Lent, I have found it again. I breathed through my center, relaxing and letting everything go. I found myself part of the cosmos. I found the God in me. I found my own divinity.

The world is with me. The world is in me. I have lost my stubbornness, my Chinese stiff neck. I can see in all directions now. I can see from both sides, from up and down – as Joni Mitchell would sing. And yet I still don’t know life at all. It is still a mystery, but I am open to all its miracles.

I do not have to know all the answers. They will reveal themselves one by one. I do not have to be perfect. I can make mistakes. Life is fluid. Nothing stays the same. The universe is forever shifting, like the desert sand.

BEING OUR OWN HEROES

Here I am, up late again. The bread is cooling and I am savoring kale chips fresh out of the oven. I like the bitter taste, but they are a little too crisp. They crumble as they hit my mouth, causing me to cough and sputter. Next time I have to take them out sooner.

I am finally feeling peaceful, my unease gone. Sometimes I do not like the hours between sunset and midnight. I get the heebie jeebies – a sense of dread and impending doom. Perhaps I should not watch the evening news. It is full of the BAD – crime, corruption, our not so stellar politicians.

Tonight it is full of the Pope. Even he gets tire and has retired, flying off in his helicopter after riding and parading in his Popemobile. I hope I don’t sound irreverent. I am, after all, a Catholic. But I can’t help but feel that we are all a bit schizophrenic as I watched the drama before me….the cheering people, so full of love for the Pope and all his men, the Pope kissing babies. And the media capturing and reporting all this fanfare. But what about all those abused and damaged young boys? That is my thought when I see the Pope kissing babies.

I feel the silence among all of us. We must not speak of such things. They are holy men. It’s the Vatican. Shhhhh! But these things come into my head and I cannot reconcile all these things. They do not make any sense to me. And if they do, I know I will have a problem.

It’s not that I have lost my belief or faith in God. I have lost faith and trust in our leaders. They are human after all and make mistakes like the rest of us. But just the same, they must do the right thing in the end. We need not idolize them so much for we all have a hero in ourselves. And God resides in all of us. God is not in a building.

TIME AND SPACE

Where am I this fine Saturday morning? I am not behind. It is almost 11:30. The sun is just giving me a big burst of hello.

I was planning to be out in the dog park before lunch and stopping at London Drugs to get some pictures developed to send to Rod’s Auntie Flo. But getting photos transferred from one gadget to another took me longer than expected. No matter how fast and expedient our igadets are, things cannot be done with just a blink of an eye…unless Genies really exist. Have you heard of the TV series, I Dream of Jeannie?

So I am just changing the order of my to do list. I have this time and space before lunch. It is mine to write, to mark my progress, to breathe, to enjoy and celebrate with the sun. I am remembering how wonderful I felt talking to the woman from the Holy Spirit Parish Office yesterday. It is her acceptance of my request and no trying to change my mind. I remember my body going ahhhhh. Have you ever felt that sense of relief and connection talking to someone unseen and unknown over the phone?

It is that kind of acceptance of who we are that we all long for. It is for me, anyways. Sometimes, I have this great loneliness in me that seems impossible. I feel this great big hole that is unfillable. Is there such a word? Have you ever felt that way? Those are the times when I phone people and the whole universe is out in the malls or at Walmart. I should have been phoning God instead.

He must have heard me just now. The sun is so bright, lighting up the whole sunroom. And I am toasty warm. This morning the scale says I’m 2 pounds lighter..before a breakfast of one poached egg on toast. I am keeping a food diary to keep track of my intake, what food agrees with me and what doesn’t. Results require effort and consciousness!

My time and space are up. It is time to think about lunch.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

God