just start

I AM READY

Sometimes magic happens when you just start – anything. And contrary to popular belief, don’t look at the whole picture. When I do, I’m often overwhelmed with the impossibility of it and I don’t start. I was pushed forward by the fact that every time I look out my sunroom, my view was obscured by dusty windows. I felt disgusted and shameful. I thought I could wash some if not all of them. I ended washing all but 3. Motivated I did the bedroom and bathroom windows the next day. The following day after that, I did the kitchen ones. Each time I marvelled that I can see and smell clean and it felt wonderful.

Now I have just the livingroom left and all the windows in the basement. There’s LOTS of windows down there. That’s why it’s best not to think of the big picture. But it did lead me to think about my mother and her house. My 90 year old parents are still living on their own. We help with the grocery shopping, the lawn and snow shovelling in winter. She didn’t want help with the house. Seeing how much hard it was for myself, I asked her if she needed help with washing the windows and the dusting. Oh, I washed all the windows already, she told me. I do one a day. It takes me a couple of months but they’re done. I use a stick with a cloth to dust those hard to reach things so I’m good.

I’ve always admired my mother but now even more. She has always been my source of inspiration. While I’m still on this motivation high, I tackled putting all the garden stuff away in the garage today. I tried to do it properly by finding a place for everything. It’s a bit of a job but I made a start. It’s been a long time since I worked in the garage. 9 years exactly, the number of years since I’ve retired. I cleared a few shelves of dust, dirt and cobwebs for my plant trays. A few pots were broken that got accidentally knocked down. I pulled out totes to see what they held. I found 2 of Sheba’s beds in one. Even though they had been washed before being stored, they stank. I was ready to let them go now. She has been gone for 2½ years. It is time.

I’m feeling surprised by my get up and go. I have been so languid for so long. I felt as if I have just woke from a deep slumber. I think it is my 90 year old mother jolting me awake. If she can still keep her house spic and span, I could at least try for just spic to start. Being able to still keep her house clean gives her so much pleasure along with walking in her garden and seeing her flowers. I can learn alot from her. I have a long way to go and lots to do. I am ready.

JUST START

It’s friggin’ hard!

Beginnings are hard. How many times have I said that already? A zillion and yet I have found no easy solution. I just have to make a mark somewhere; say something, anything; make a decision one way or another; etc. etc. So often, too often, I’m frozen with indecision, speechless with no words, immobilized with inaction. Sometimes this is worse than doing and saying the wrong things. This is what I’m trying to push through today.

It is very disconcerting. I’m squirming with the discomfort but I’m learning to sit with it, however long it will take. I’m too addicted to the idea of speed, that it shouldn’t take time and effort to do anything. I’ve bought into the idea I can tap, search, enter, and presto! The thing is done. I’ve been short circuiting my brain and short changing myself the experience of doing, following through and completing. No wonder I’m absent minded and forgetful. I have no grooves to store anything. I flit from thing to thing, one idea to another in nana seconds. I do not allow feelings to sink in.

It’s been a few days since I wrote the above. I’m having a writer’s block. It could be I’m just lazy. I’m having a tough go finding meaningful ideas and words. In this moment I am hot and overcome with malaise. But I can still tap with my fingers. How strange that I could feel cold upon waking at 6 this morning. I don’t know what the temperature was then. By 10 am it was already 21 degrees Celsius. Now it is 28 Celsius. I’m feeling all the distress of daily fluctuating temperatures.

So what can I do to alleviate my distress? Coming back to this space helps. The rhythm of tapping on the keyboard is soothing. I’m flexing my small muscles. Asking the question starts me thinking about solutions. It lessens the feeling of being trapped and helpless. I’m quieting my mind and body, taking some deep slow breaths. Recently I came upon Dr. Weil’s 4-7-8 breathing technique where you breathe in to the count of 4, hold for count of 7 and breathe out to the count of 8 for 4 breath cycles. I’ve been doing this twice a day for a few days. I hope to keep it up for a month at least. It takes very little time and the benefits are huge.