LET THE CLOCK TICK

January 3, 2019  1:04 pm

Rats! I’m losing this beautiful warm sunny day to a sleepless night. I have a few of them a year when I cannot catch even 30 minutes of sleep. I always struggle through half the night, trekking back and forth between bed, bathroom and couch. I gave up after 2 am and stayed on the couch, put on my earbuds and listened to Marci Shimoff’s Happy For No Reason. I was able to relax anyways, drifting in and out. I should have done it sooner. It’s always the hindsight of the should have.

By 6 am, the furry alarm clock was fussing, nudging me with her cold nose. I could ignore her for only a little while. It’s up and feeding her. Then she wants out to do her business and her impatient bark to come in when she was good and ready. It is one of those sleepless days when I’m too tired to stay awake but too wired to fall asleep. Talk about wasted days and wasted nights. I know exactly what that means.

I’m a little wiser, from experience, on what to and what not to do. Though I have a difficult time say no, I turned down my mother’s invitation to dim sum with the family. I couldn’t do it right away. I had to phone back. It wouldn’t be a good idea to be driving in my condition, especially with her and dad riding with me. Could my brother pick them up? I shouldn’t be surprised that he delivered some take out for me later. My mum cannot leave anybody out. She knows I love egg tarts and chicken feet.

I do feel most wretched but not enough to sleep. I’m feeling a bit sweaty and distraught. There’s no use in crying over spilt sleep. I will just have to sit/lay it out and not do anything stupid like driving or operating my Bernina. I will only create more trouble and havoc. I will be sorry like the time I tried to interview roofers for my parents’ damaged roof. I thought it would be harmless but I didn’t count on being so vulnerable. I could not be pressured to sign on the dotted line. I was wrong. I was lucky. I got out of it that time.

When I got a call from a funeral home this morning, I said no, there’s no chance even tomorrow that we could get together to talk about wills and estate planning. It’s tacky soliciting so soon in the new year. I already know I’m a procrastinator but I do have a will. I said I will call you if the need comes up.

I am tapping and sipping away here. I hope I still have a bit of judgement left. I hope I won’t saying anything inappropriate. My problem is I hate to waste time. My clock is ticking. I think I will let it tick. This is my wake up call. I have a headache and pain behind my left eye. I received this subscribed email from Jennifer Louden in my mailbox this morning. It’s a bit eery. The woman sounds just like me. I think I will take the fur baby for a short walk and fresh air.

  • Once upon a time, there was a woman who stood on the cusp of the new year and grinned.

    She grinned at all her past selves stretching behind her. Where once she would have judged those selves for their choices, now she bowed to them. They had brought her to this moment. Who would she be without them?

    She grinned too at all the Januarys of years past when she had started a diet or a written a long list of Big Hairy Goals or felt her heart contract with a hectic fantasy of needed achievement.

    She grinned at all the years she believed she had to do something, become something, fix something or someone.

    She grinned too at the ways she had once compared herself to others, forgetting the wholeness at the root of life and instead believing it mattered who made what and who got credit.

    She makes herself a cup of tea and curls up on the couch.

    Ah, how adorable she was.

    What is different now?

    She still desires to create, to write books, to make art, to earn money, to visit far-flung places, to work for social justice, to soften the parts of herself that clench and hide. Of course, she does.

    The difference, she realizes, is now she trusts herself to relax into the ever-present flow of life.

    She trusts herself to remember, again and again and then again, to open to love, to let life live her.

    She trusts life to carry her on a river of desire to ever greater intimacy with itself.

    She giggles. It all sounds rather silly and over-blown.

    But she feels the truth in her cells, this hard to put into words truth that life is something far bigger and richer and infinite than her plans and her thoughts and her funny story she has to do anything to be worthy.

    And with another grin, she lets life carry her out for a walk.

    Here’s to letting life animate, inspire, and carry you this year and every year.

    Love,
    Jen

    PS. My FREE Get Back to Creating Challenge: 5 Days to Find your Confident Flow is happening later this month! Sign up here to make sure you don’t miss out!


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BUGS and RUFFLED FEATHERS

December 4, 2018,  8:55 am

I have discovered that little useless things can eat up many minutes but I can do many things in a few minutes. It all depends on how present and distractible I am. I am the very latter – distractible.  I can’t use the excuse of not getting enough sleep because I did. It’s rather that I don’t have a set plan. It’s Tuesday, a non exercise morning. It feels like a day off. I feel like I have extra time to goof off. It’s not a bad thing if it leaves me feeling good.

It doesn’t. I’ve been scrolling, trying to figure out how the Goodreads site works. I have accidentally joined its community when I was looking up a book. It hasn’t been of great importance to me what others are reading, etc. But now I get messages and updates. It peaks my curiosity. I’ve figured out how to post what I’m reading but how do I post what I’ve read? As I’ve said, it is not important except that it’s disturbed my peace of mind. I’m flustered and irritated. My feathers are ruffled.

I better stop this nonsense of wasting more of my day off. I have bills to pay and papers to sort. I have not made much progress with my desk except to remove some dust. Organizing anything is clearly not my forte. I must have been born with that defective gene. However, I will persevere with my efforts. I have deleted 75 messages from one of my mailboxes. Why do I hang on to them? It’s as if I make any move at all, even deleting an email, I will change my life forever. It’s silly I know but it helps to voice my fear of any little change.

7:32 pm

Supper is done and I’m still sipping my one glass of wine. I’m still feeling ruffled around the edges. However, I will take a deep, deep breath, exhale and sip. Maybe I should have another glass. But now everything is smooth. I will be alright. The day has gone well. The bills are paid. I did not get the down time I intended and wanted. It’s tough when my brain is feverish with creating. I had to let my creation out. Tomorrow is another day. I will plan for it.

 

PARANOIA DOES NOT BECOMES ME

Another cool morning. Another day for my bedding plants to huddle on the dining room table instead of shivering on the deck. Another poor sleep. I woke up at 3 am for a call of nature. After an hour of laying in bed and visions of my father’s PC Optimum card floating in my head, I decided it was time to get up.

I wonder how reward cards are benefiting us. They sure have us spending much time on collecting points and jumping through hoops for them. I’ve spent quite a bit of time and energy registering, registering and phoning as to why my father lost all his points – 20,000 points($20). Even though I had told them my father can’t understand or speak much Chinese, they said they need his permission to talk about his account. Now I’m spending more time talking about all this. It is really laughable. I would laugh if I didn’t have the cloudy, rainy day blues.

How many other useless gimicks are THEY tricking us with? What is THEIR agenda? What am I MISSING when I refuse to participate in all this? I am sure there is a trick somewhere. Paranoid, you say. You bettcha I am. THEY have eyes and ears everywhere, watching and listening. Did you know that they can spy on you through the camera on your computer? A friend told me that. She throws a towel over the camera aperture. Mrs. Google confirmed that it is possible when I checked. I use her for everything – cooking, baking, how to do practically everything. I suppose my life is an open book. Is that a bad thing? I can’t trip up since I got nothing to give up, not even my privacy.

How is your morning? Hope paranoia is not contagious. I will right myself again once the sun comes up, if it ever will. In the meantime, I’ll go and try to make my own.

STEPPING UP TO ELECTRIC AVENUE

It’s that magic hour again. I’m sitting down with my decaf. I see the smoke coming out of my neighbour’s chimney. It’s turned cold again. -23 C this hour. I’m feeling better. I’m always surprised that my aches and pain are aggravated when the temperature turns warmer in the winter. I feel the best in the cold, cold sunny days of January. I’m Asian for crying out loud! I must have acclimatized to the cold after all the years here. Maybe I’m related to the Eskimos. I jest but did some quick Google search. Found some interesting articles but no definitive answer.

It doesn’t really matter, interesting or not.  So easy to get sidetrack with Ms. Google. I’ve already wasted time looking up Electric Avenue on YouTube. It’s been playing in my head since my Step Aerobics class this morning. It’s such a catchy upbeat tune. Just what I need to step it up in these dangerous winter bluesy time. It’s very effective. I’m rocking my way to Electric Ave. And then taking it higher.

The cold works, too. Sheba and I were rocking down the backalleys, stepping smartly. Now we’re back. Feels like such a treat sitting here in warmth, tapping. I will put the kettle on and hope there’s 2 cookies left in the jar. I don’t believe in cutting back treats in the winter. I need those carbs for energy and boost my feel good levels. I don’t believe in making New Year’s Resolutions either. It is the wrong time of year – at least here in North America. For us, it is the season of cold weather and cabin fever. It is the time of short daylight. Those two factors already set us up for failure. If you have other problems, there is no hope at all for succeeding. I know. I’m talking negative. It is winter. See what I mean?

Yesterday I talked about working on organizing to maximize my productivity. Moving Sheba’s afternoon walk to when she starts fussing works for both of us. The walk has to be done. She gets it out of her system. I have more peace and quiet to work at whatever. I am learning to paint my index card art in batches. Yesterday, I rescued and reworked a disappointment for today. When I have moments when I am not/can’t do much, I start another index card. That way I have a small steady stream of cards in the works. I am trying to clean up/put away all my work spaces a little at a time.

And now I have to sum/pack up here. Next in the schedule after my tea and cookies are bills and those pesky census forms – if I can find them. I might have to wait till they send a reminder. Or am I mistaken? It feels like the wrong time of year for them.

COME NOVEMBER

November is not a good month to make changes, adopt new habits or to set the world on fire. It’s cold. It’s dark. My hibernation response is already triggered. I dream of eating and sleeping. I dream of snuggling up next to a fire with a hot chocolate.

Still, I am planning to do some changes, some renovations to the body and soul. But aren’t I always? This time around I plan to put my plans into action. I have already done a couple. I’ve upgraded my iCloud storage to 50G. Only cost $1.20/month. I hope I won’t have to keep deleting photos to make more space for awhile. Then I got brave and is installing the latest macOS – High Sierra on my iMac. I hope it will improve like they say and not create havoc.

I can’t say for sure if these 2 items will improve my life. They just might add to my wasting time habit, the thing I’m trying to eliminate. Life is full of ironies. I need to be on my toes. Focus. Be in the present moment. That is what I must do. The High Sierra is installed. It’s messing around with Photos. I hope I will like it. The Apple people are so smart. They have ways of making money every which way. In order to store all my photos in iCloud I will have to do another upgrade. I won’t bite on their hook.

Well, now I’ve identified some my biggest problem – lack of focus and addiction to gadgets. My mind is splintered in many directions. I have trouble listening to people, especially when they are giving directions. I feel as my ears are weak, sagging. Then they shut down. Or is it my mind? And how does one strengthen either? I wonder if YouTube would have an answer. That would mean messing around some more on the Internet. More wasting time. Egad!

I will chew and digest this for awhile. I can handle only small bites at one sitting. I will be back tomorrow- I hope.