Another day bites the dust. I am sitting here in early evening. I’m  trying for some profound thoughts but there are none. Some days are like that. If I’m not careful, I might fall asleep at the keyboard. Daylight is muted. A bit of sunshine glimmers above the rooftops, lighting up the yellow of the leaves.

The rain came this morning along with rolls of thunder. I welcomed both. They gave me excuses, if I need some, just sit back, relax and finish my book. I still have those feelings of getting on with the day. It’s healthy to have a dose of both. Otherwise, I could turn into a slouch. I could spend my whole life on the couch. I need those needling feelings to get back on my feet again and ‘accomplish’ stuff.

Not much accomplishments today. I took my parents out to the library and to the mall for coffee after. There’s not much that I could give them other than some time. Every few weeks, I take them to the library. It’s wonderful that it has a small section of Chinese books. My mother loves to read. She still interested to read and learn new things. My father not so much but enjoys the outing.

If there’s anybody that I aspire to be, it would be my mother. She gives me inspiration on how to be, how to live. She teaches me through her story telling. That’s how I’ve learned everything Chinese, the culture, my ancestors, my very being. Don’t get me wrong. I find faults with her, too. Our mother/daughter relationship has had many difficulties like all such relationships. I’ve had my share of ‘I hate my mother’. Growing and maturing has enabled me to understand my mother and see from her point of view. Sometimes, especially in recent times, I feel as if I am my mother.

I never expected to arrive to this space of contentment . But I have. In this very moment I am very at peace with where I am and what I have done with my life. It is very sweet.



How was your day? Mine’s just fine. It’s sunny and hot – 30 degrees Celsius. By now I’m acclimatized. It feels quite comfortable. The skies are clear, almost blue. No smell of smoke in the air though the fires continue to burn in British Columbia. Out of sight. Not quite out of mind but I’m feeling fine. Most recent mornings, I’m imperceptibly on the verge of tumbling over the edge. But I do have a choice on how I feel to a certain extent.

I do not want to fall into the dark abyss. I pull myself back from the edge onto firm safe ground. Even if I’m not exactly jubilant, I can be at ease. I don’t have to be bubbling over with good cheer. I’m not that way normally. So why fake it? I try to make a habit of putting some efforts to start the day consciously – in my demeanor and speech. Sometimes Most of the time I’m lazy and everything is a reaction, not a response. It’s a sure way of getting into trouble.

I’ll see how this change will work for me. So many things to think of. I wouldn’t have thought that life could be this strenuous. It never lets up nor would I want it to. It gives meaning having to work at it constantly. It gives meaning to the phrase ‘asleep at the wheel’. I have nodded off now and again. I guess that’s how things work. The momentum is ever changing. Nothing stays the same. What goes up must come down.

It’s been a glorious day. The first day in a long while that I could sit out in my special space. No extreme heat nor smoke to mar it. The dog and I took advantage to just sit/lay back and enjoy the moment in silence and stillness. There’s no need for noise. We hope you enjoy your day, too.



This time in the afternoon is definitely not my best in terms of energy and mood. I am sapped and droopy. I am not sounding my most up nor energetic. I probably whine alot. I should try changing my schedule. But you know how difficult that can be. I am sort like Sheba now with habits. Once I’m in a rut, I need a crowbar to get me out of there. Mind you, some ruts are healthy – like my Saturday morning swim. My thinking brain didn’t like the idea. It started telling me how dark it is that time of the morning. But my body was craving it. It tells me it’s Saturday morning. It’s time for my swim. My body won that one.

My brain is now struggling to find the words, my body trying to find the energy. They both are searching and scanning for some purpose and meaning to what is this all about.

My search was not at all fruitful. I had to abandon and let it rest. It is now bedtime. Sometimes it is wise not to dig so hard for purpose and meaning. I have to give up on some struggles. Live and let live. Do not ask questions that have no answers. Do not expect others to agree with me. Do not expect others to change. Be the change I want to see. I am finally learning to speak for myself and of myself. Peace. Sleep well. I hope to do better tomorrow.

COURAGE AND FEAR – Day 160 in the year of…

Day 160, January 2, 2016 @5:30 pm

15732245_10154115406535887_7944740098661491709_oI am finally reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic after buying it a year ago. I’m making progress reading just a few pages each day. The profound thing for me is her description of courage. Having courage does not mean you are fearless. Fearless people are sometimes rash and reckless. Courage is when you carry on despite the fear. I like the idea of not fighting it but to make space for it. Let it be a companion but not to let fear drive you. I feel its presence but it’s not running me.


I’m making slow magic, bit by bit, stroke by brush stroke each day. They build on each other. There’s a timidity in them but one day, my courage is going to be BIG and I will let my brushes have their way. They will whoosh across the canvas in brave broad strokes and in bold colours. It will happen. Meanwhile I’m learning my craft, experimenting with the magic, building my confidence, making peace with my fear.

My angels are around me on this 160th day in my year of doing different, on this 2nd day of 2017. I hear the whisper of their wings as they hover near. Peace be with everyone.

HOLDING SPACE – DAY 107 in a year of…

Day 107, November 9, 2016 @5:00 pm

img_1018It’s the day after THE election. I am sure I am not alone in asking: How could this happen?  I found comfort and guidance in the words of Marianne Williamson and Barack Obama.   No matter what happens, the sun will rise tomorrow.  It’s another new dawn, another new beginning.  It’s a truth to hang on to for me.

I have been a reactor since I’ve been born.  I am sure I came out of my mother’s womb screaming like a banshee.  Life has been hard as such. I take everything personally.  It has been all about me until recently.  But slowly I’ve been shedding the me, I and mine.  I no longer am so surprised or shocked by anything and everything.  I don’t try to figure out and fix everything. I am not THAT powerful. I accept what is.

img_4834I find such peace and serenity in the acceptance.  Life is.  The world is.  I hold that space close to my heart.  I am part of the universe along with everything. The boundaries, borders and skin colours fade. We all are.  We all belong here – wherever here is.



A new day dawnsIt is another morning, just a week before Christmas.  I’ve just finished another 12 hour night shift.  I am tired and not in the best of spirits.  It is not the way I want to go to sleep, on a bad note.  So here I am tapping out my words and feelings.  Sheba makes it hard, being pesky and wanting to play.  But it is not a bad thing, wanting to play.  Play can help cleanse the toxin from me.

And so we play a little tug of war with her rope.  She is pretty strong, hanging on with her teeth, shaking her head and growling playfully.  I let her win a few rounds.  Then she gets a bone to chew outside.  She is pretty easy to please.  Play and food always work.  Too bad that we are not so predictable!  Life would be so much easier.

So I am feeling much better.  Sheba and words work most of the time for me.  It is a difficult journey to be a good, decent human being but I am trying hard.  I am remembering Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements.  What better time of the year to be tested than now?

agreement 1

Be impeccable with your word – Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

agreement 2

Don’t take anything personally – Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

agreement 3

Don’t make assumptions – Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

agreement 4

Always do your best – Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

I am remembering another Christmas when I was experiencing the same emotions as now.  Words then help me through.  This is the letter that I posted for my very good email friends.  They are still my very good friends even though we aren’t as much in touch now.

“What a lucky girl am I to be receiving two sunrises from men from different parts of the world in recent days..  Of course, being -30 C in my neck of the woods,, I prefer the one from the land of palm trees and the home of all mankind.  It shows the sun rising above the horizon, casting a warm glow, bringing a promise of a new day of possibilities.

And so the pain in my chest has eased and once more I can breathe and sigh again.  Life is complex and sometimes puzzling and so are people.  Things are not always black and white.  Even gray has many shades.  And so I learn that I do not have to choose either or.  I do not have to throw the baby out with the bath water.  There’s always a middle ground and that friendship is many a splendoured thing.  Forgiveness is very freeing.  Love is all encompassing….peace everlasting.”

I saved those words, perhaps knowing they will help me again.  And so they have.  I am free. And it is another dawn, full of God’s splendour.