I can choose

TRAINED INCOMPETENCE

I think I have fallen off the Ultimate Blog Challenge wagon for a few days. I’ve lost sight of or have abandoned and failed my goals. And what were those goals again? I feel like I’m still on the gerbil wheel, going round and round with my badassed neighbour. And are you thinking, Oh no, she’s still on the same rant! Well, my goal for this challenge and month is to get her out of my head. It seems like we are both fixated on each other and my yard.

How the hell can I disengage when she notices the littliest thing I do? The other day, while she was away, I measured out her claimed 6 inches from her driveway and made a little mark with a twig. I cannot visualize the distance in my head. I have to see it physically. The next day, I found my tumbled over pot. It cannot be easily knocked over. It’s filled with rocks. My little mark was rubbed out. This already a few days after the police liason officer had talked to her. It clearly shows she’s more disturbed than I realized.

So I’m back to researching how to deal with narcissists. I found Dr. Les Carter’s YouTube videos most helpful, especially the one on trained incompetence. He talks about it being the #1 reason why a narcissist has power over me. He’s right. I don’t know how to deal with her. I guess I’m always trying to get her to change. I should know by now, after 12 years, she is not. And sometimes she has me believing that I’m at fault, the one causing all the problems. From her friend, Al’s attitude, he thinks so, saying: “You’re still at it.”

I can’t believe that I’ve been stuck in this pattern with her for so many years. I certainly didn’t know the extent of her narcissism/disorder at first. It’s my lack of understanding, my incompetence that has resulted in where I am today. I do now and am ready to stop her control of me. I do not care to be so manipulated by a sick person. Sometimes I do feel very sorry for her. I do not understand why she is so fixated on my yard and me. It must be very painful for her to act out so when I do not do anything to her or her property. I do not set one foot on her driveway or yard.

My anger and irritations are gone at this moment. I feel grateful for my life, who I am. I have free will. I can choose to be a good person, be kind, empathic. I am not controlled by a disorder or by her. I have competence. I have inherent worth. I have to keep my goal in sight. I have to have a plan and make lists. It’s 2 months since my Sheba’s left. We’ve had this Covid-19 since March. It’s 12 years since she’s moved next door. It’s time I get myself back.

IN SILENCE AND STILLNESS

How was your day? Mine’s just fine. It’s sunny and hot – 30 degrees Celsius. By now I’m acclimatized. It feels quite comfortable. The skies are clear, almost blue. No smell of smoke in the air though the fires continue to burn in British Columbia. Out of sight. Not quite out of mind but I’m feeling fine. Most recent mornings, I’m imperceptibly on the verge of tumbling over the edge. But I do have a choice on how I feel to a certain extent.

I do not want to fall into the dark abyss. I pull myself back from the edge onto firm safe ground. Even if I’m not exactly jubilant, I can be at ease. I don’t have to be bubbling over with good cheer. I’m not that way normally. So why fake it? I try to make a habit of putting some efforts to start the day consciously – in my demeanor and speech. Sometimes Most of the time I’m lazy and everything is a reaction, not a response. It’s a sure way of getting into trouble.

I’ll see how this change will work for me. So many things to think of. I wouldn’t have thought that life could be this strenuous. It never lets up nor would I want it to. It gives meaning having to work at it constantly. It gives meaning to the phrase ‘asleep at the wheel’. I have nodded off now and again. I guess that’s how things work. The momentum is ever changing. Nothing stays the same. What goes up must come down.

It’s been a glorious day. The first day in a long while that I could sit out in my special space. No extreme heat nor smoke to mar it. The dog and I took advantage to just sit/lay back and enjoy the moment in silence and stillness. There’s no need for noise. We hope you enjoy your day, too.