understanding

WALKS AND THOUGHTS

It’s Friday, another write day. I’ve just come back from a walk to our community garden. I’m not as fit as I thought. Though as the name suggests, the garden is in the community and close by, I found it not that near. I am fairly taxed by the trek. I am relaxing with a cuppa after doing some stretches for my heels. Since Sheba’s left us for doggy heaven, I haven’t done much walking at all. I must schedule some regular times for it. It is good to keep all my muscle groups in good working condition. I do lose what I don’t use.

I have to admit that I am still distracted by the rich and famous and have a fascination with why people commit suicide. It’s not as much fascination as wanting to understand. And so I found myself scrolling through this article about famous people who took their lives and left notes. It hasn’t helped my understanding one bit. I don’t think that it’s stigma that prevents people from talking about depression or seeking help. There has been plenty talk about it. Don’t you think? I think it is the nature of the disease.

I had suffered from it. What I mean is I had suffered enough that I sought help and had received counselling and medication for it. I no longer do. I’ve come to a place where I feel fairly peaceful and restful with life. I recognize that life is not perfect. Humans are not perfect. We are all flawed in different ways and degrees. I have sorted out my priorities, what is important and what makes me happy. I know what is what in this moment. It is now I see it and now I don’t. Sometimes understanding and knowing yourself is fleeting. I guess that’s why it is important to be in the moment, to be flexible and willing to change.

I am happy for my walk today. The scent of lilacs was in the air. So many trees in bloom. It was a pretty sight with colourful blooms and the green grass all around. I have missed my daily walks with Sheba through our neighbourhood. You would be surprised at how many people noticed us. I was. One time a teenager came upon us and said he has been watching our walks for years. I had to smile at that. It’s a good memory to keep me smiling and feeling mellow.

DAY 9 UBC – HAPPY AT LAST

Happy At Last

It’s a cool overcast morning. It’s the kind of day I want to curl up with my quilt and while away the moments. Instead, I’m sitting here tapping and eating left over pizza. It tastes mighty fine. I think I shall have more. I have to give in to these urges now and then. I have to give myself a break or two. I wanted to cancel my exercise class this morning. I meditated and talked myself out of it. Then the exercise cancelled me! A water main problem. No water at the facility.

The universe does listen to us and give us what we need. I’m more attentive now. I try to respond instead of blindly react. I’ve had some very full days and in need of a rest. I’m happy nature is giving it to me. I don’t have to feel guilty about being out and making hay while the sun shines. It’s taking time out, too. There is a reason and season for everything.

This is the season of seeing and understanding for me. My fellow bloggers in this UBC seemed to be writing for me, about things that I specifically need to see right now. How wonderful of them! And the things are not really new to me. It is that I’m seeing and understanding in a different light. It makes me think, Well, how stupid was I! It makes me give my head a shake and a slap to my face. Most of all, I’m singing to myself. I’m happy. At last I’m happy.

And what might those things be, you wonder. They are really simple. I’ve probably written about them myself many many times before. But until they hit, electrofied and lit me up like a LED bulb, I never truly understood the concepts. I think we each have to figure out for ourselves what adds and what takes away from our lives.

CROSSING THE BRIDGE

Seems like I’ve been on this trip forever and a day. I’m not ready to get off yet. Some things still work for me. The digging, self reflections – the archeology of my self is a worthwhile journey. At times I do feel a bit egotistical, being so obsessed and self absorbed. But at least I’m not alone in this. It is endorsed by others greater than I.

  • ”You cannot have a meaningful life without having self-reflection.” —Oprah Winfrey
  • ”One of the greatest tragedies in life is to lose your own sense of self and accept the version of you that is expected by everyone else.” —K.L. Toth
  •  ”It is always our own self that we find at the end of the journey. The sooner we face that self, the better.” – Ella Maillart
  •  ”Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” – Carl Jung
  • The journey into self-love and self-acceptance must begin with self-examination… until you take the journey of self-reflection, it is almost impossible to grow or learn in life.” – Iyanla Vanzant
  • ”Honest self-reflection opens your mind to reprogramming, change, success and freedom.” —Unknown

I shall continued on. Perhaps I need to change, to switch onto a different track. I could be more light spirited. I could change the tint of my glasses. Perhaps then I can speak in a different voice. It’s been pointed out to me that my self-blame and guilt could be the result of my lack of control of others’ actions. There’s a lot of truth in that – for myself at least. I’ve crossed that bridge. I’ve come out of the tunnel. I have the understanding now but feelings don’t vanish overnight. I will have to relive those feeling again and again, until I’ve crossed enough bridges and crawled out of many tunnels.

Life is a never ending journey of bridges and tunnels. I haven’t found the way to light heartedness yet. My world is a serious place but I am not full of misery either.

NOT SO BAD AT ALL!

At long last, a warm Saturday morning! I am basking in the sunshine, sipping my tea and tapping on my laptop. Sheba is laying at my feet. I feel like tap dancing and breaking out in song. If only I can dance and sing! Never mind, music is playing in my head again. I have to sit and listen to Roger Miller sing before I can go on tapping.

I’m obviously feeling better, eh? It’s good to know that I’m not always down in the dumps, no fun to be around. It’s also important for me to document it as proof. Sometimes I don’t remember or believe myself. It feels absolutely wonderful that I am doing this Ultimate Blog Challenge. This time around, I have a clearer vision of what I want to accomplish using the challenge as a tool. Let me put it down here again.

  1. Be mindful and in the present moment.
  2. Getting up, dressing up and showing up here every day.
  3. Work on content, construction, proof reading of posts.
  4. Striving for improving mental and physical health – eg. losing a few pounds.

What works for me is to do the small of everything. A few words to get an idea  to form. I do not have or work in concrete ideas/forms. I’m one whose head is in the clouds and whose thoughts are as nebulous as the mist. It’s only when I tap on the keyboard, when I see the words march across the screen that I can see my way out of the woods. It’s a big ahah moment. Until I can see and understand my handicap, I can’t make a correction or make an improvement.

Ad libbing, off the cuff will not work for me. I need to put my thoughts into words on a page. I need to brainstorm onto the page. I need to break things into small steps. My brain goes into a soupy fog even thinking of doing the lunch dishes. I want to dump everything and run away. It’s only after I slowly and mindfully start scraping off the plates, loading them into the sink/dishwasher, putting in soap, turning on the water…that my brain starts to relax. My hands and mind connect, gets into a rhythm and somehow the dishes are done. I go, “Well, that wasn’t bad!” I go through this every day.

I can also say that this wasn’t at all bad  for the 6th day of this challenge. I get to do this all over again tomorrow.

 

LIFE, DEATH AND TRASH

I was surprised that I did sleep well last night. But my worms are alive and wiggling again this morning. Our province and I’m sure other parts of the country are awashed with grief. 15 people were killed over the weekend when the Humboldt Broncos junior hockey team bus collided with a transport truck. There are no words to describe but I’ll try to tap dance my way out. It serves no purpose to be caught in darkness and hopelessness. I might as well get on with shedding my mental and physical trash.

I have never found an easy journey, not any that’s worth travelling. First of all, you have to know your destination, where you want to arrive or achieve. Then you have to know the directions and how to’s. You would need a vehicle or tools. Do you have enough fuel or the desire. These are the considerations before you start out. I have failed in the past because lack of planning and thinking out the steps. Now that I know better, how am I doing?

I like to think I’m doing better. I know I am doing very well. I have a destination. I have tools. I have focus. I have read 70% of Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. It contains very good information of how and why we became who we are. Understanding is the key to any procedure/change. It is the aha/lightbulb moment. It is tricky though. Now I see. Then I don’t see. I’ve had to give things a rest until I see again. It is difficult but I am persistent in emptying my mental trash along with my physical and computer trash.

It is almost noon. Time to think about and prepare lunch. My Roomba is going up and down the hall, having vacuumed the bedroom and the bathroom. Cleanliness is next to holiness in my humble opinion. No more trash is my new motto.

 

SUNDAY JOY

Sunday, God’s day of rest. I lingered in bed a little longer, nesting in the warmth of the comforter. Nothing on my agenda. No need for rushing and crashing. Yet at the same time, it’s not a license to sloth either. I swing my legs over the edge and head to the bathroom. Face washed and teeth brushed, I ran the brush through my bed head. Not pretty but almost not frightening. It will do for now.

The days are getting longer now. It was still light at 6 pm yesterday. This stretch of February has been wonderfully sunny. The cold has not been bad though the temperature is -23 degrees Celius at this moment. The sun is streaming into the room. The dog and I are toasty warm. I love to linger in this sunny space. It is a good place to work in and on this morning.

I am experimenting with rescheduling to find what are the best times to do anything. It seems l’m just treading water and not getting anywhere. I know it’s not true – just perceptions of my mood. It would also be of benefit if I chart my moods as to the time of day/month/seasons. I am always working at something, aren’t I? That’s my nature. I like to make ‘improvements’ on myself. Nothing stays the same. It’s best to change for the better, don’t you think?

That’s where I am going – for the better. It’s taken me a long time but I got it. It’s not always about me – that caused it, that has to fix everything or anything. I’ve finally curbed my delusion of being Atlas. I don’t have to, I cannot hold up the sky for eternity. I am but an ordinary human being. I love the smallness of my ordinary life. I am happy to putter along, one small step at a time.

THE THINGS I CAN’T CHANGE

I believe that when we are hit with an ‘aha’ moment we should give it due respect and pay attention.

The other day my mother phoned.  Could I make a doctor’s appointment for her.  My father had tried a couple of times but got a recording that says that you have to do it online.  I found it peculiar since not everyone, especially seniors have computers or have the know hows.  I phoned and the recording does say you have the option of making appointments online but if you press 0 or just hang on, you can speak to the receptionist.

bigstock-hand-making-a-stop-signal-sign-162901311I felt a bubble of irritation starting up at my father.  How could he not understand that since he got the online part?  In the same moment, I saw the flashing STOP sign in my head, telling me that this is how my father has been for many, many years.  Though he came to Canada as a young man in his early 20’s, he does not know the English language well at all.  He had made no provision for my mother to learn.

Sometimes I think he knows more than he lets on.  But he rather have somebody else do all these things so he doesn’t.  I have been the interpreter, making and taking them to appointments since I was about 9 years old. It has made me feel responsible for their health, happiness and total being.  No one can be responsible for somebody else’s all.  I have felt guilt and anger.

What are the chances that he would change now at 83?  None.  So why waste my energy getting angry and then feel like a very bad person/daughter?  I squashed that ugly bubble and made the appointment.  I told my mother how they can get through to the receptionist the next time.  I’m feeling grateful that he is still able to drive and be independent otherwise.  I am grateful that there are Chinese physicians here so that they can see their doctor on their own most of the time.  I am grateful that I can help my parents to be as independent as they are able to.

I am fortunate that I finally recognize that there are the things I can’t change.  I can now stop fretting, stressing, fuming, insisting that yes, things can change.  Some things cannot.  I can stop getting, being and staying in anger.  Having seen the light/stop sign, I can ease up, let go a bit and move on.  There will be, of course, days when I will fall back on old ways.  I will get righteous and indignant, insisting that other person change and behave the way I want.  I hope those occasions will come less and less.  Let there be patience and love.

 

 

WAITING FOR THE STORM

IMG_1158Hot August day. I am waiting for the storm to erupt.  I am not feeling kosher, not copacetic at all.  In other words everything is not ducky.  I am seeing life through jaundiced eyes.  Do not worry!  I am not blaming you or anyone else.  Do not take it personally. It is just me, feeling the swirling energy around me.

There’s no need for sympathy nor pity.  I am doing quite well.  Perhaps I should be grateful for my kaleidoscope of moods and feelings.  I understand from whence they come.  Knowing myself enables me to understand others’ behaviour and feelings better.  It makes life easier and we all need that.

I do not try to fix myself anymore.  Believe me, I have tried so many times and in so many ways – self-help books, therapy, medication.  At long last I have come to accept myself, giving myself permission to be all that is human.  I no longer think of myself as being flawed.  Some days will be better than others.  Shit happens sometimes.  That is life, as they say.

IMG_6869No more There is less running around like a chicken with its head cut off, trying to overthrow my discomfort.  Now, I am okay just to sit with my own storm, waiting for God’s.  The sky is grey, the air is still.  The birds are chirping.  I’m waiting for their singing to stop.  That is when the rain will fall.  I’m waiting to hear the pitter patter above my head.

LEST I BE MISUNDERSTOOD

IMG_6168Through this period of Lent I have been putting an effort to keep my own council.  It is not an easy thing for I am a talker and I tend to speak my mind.  Speaking my mind hasn’t really worked for me.  It’s like ‘I fought the world and the world won’.

Somehow I’ve always felt I’m a rebel.  I’ve had more than one person say to me:  Lily, only you would say what other people would only think.  That has always puzzled and shocked me for I do not think I am a rude person.  I do not tell people they are ugly or they stink.  I do not even tell them when they are rude.

Would you not say that they are guilty of what they are accusing me of?  And isn’t it rude to say that to my face?  Trying my best to understand people and all their ways haven’t really worked for me either.  It has only hurt my head and heart.  It has also made me an angry person at times.

So my dears, I’m trying new ways.  It’s not for me to know you if you want to be a mystery.  I have reached and reached out to you, doing my part.  I only ask you to meet me halfway.  My dears, when I talk to you, I only want you to acknowledge you heard me, even if you don’t like what I said.

My dears, do you think that silence doesn’t speak.  Well, if it doesn’t, body language speaks volumes.  So does actions.   And it is a bit of a curse I can read both of them.  Ignorance can be bliss.

In this time, I am making a friend of silence.  Only in silence can I learn what is important to me.  Only in silence can I hear myself.  In silence I can value myself just for myself.  In silence I cannot be misunderstood.

 

 

 

RESOLVES

IMG_5106

Sunday morning, snow raining down.  Looking out my window the title of the movie, Snow Falling on Cedars, comes to me.  Pictures and words come to me and I speak of them out loud, not that they have anything to do with what’s at hand.  Sometimes I confuse people with my unattached thoughts.

I have just recognized that now.  I am upset sometimes that I am misunderstood so much.  But having heard the bell rung, I understand everything better.  I am in a better place with a clearer view.

When one knows better, one does better.  I do not need resolves.  I just do.