What works

NOT SO BAD AT ALL!

At long last, a warm Saturday morning! I am basking in the sunshine, sipping my tea and tapping on my laptop. Sheba is laying at my feet. I feel like tap dancing and breaking out in song. If only I can dance and sing! Never mind, music is playing in my head again. I have to sit and listen to Roger Miller sing before I can go on tapping.

I’m obviously feeling better, eh? It’s good to know that I’m not always down in the dumps, no fun to be around. It’s also important for me to document it as proof. Sometimes I don’t remember or believe myself. It feels absolutely wonderful that I am doing this Ultimate Blog Challenge. This time around, I have a clearer vision of what I want to accomplish using the challenge as a tool. Let me put it down here again.

  1. Be mindful and in the present moment.
  2. Getting up, dressing up and showing up here every day.
  3. Work on content, construction, proof reading of posts.
  4. Striving for improving mental and physical health – eg. losing a few pounds.

What works for me is to do the small of everything. A few words to get an idea  to form. I do not have or work in concrete ideas/forms. I’m one whose head is in the clouds and whose thoughts are as nebulous as the mist. It’s only when I tap on the keyboard, when I see the words march across the screen that I can see my way out of the woods. It’s a big ahah moment. Until I can see and understand my handicap, I can’t make a correction or make an improvement.

Ad libbing, off the cuff will not work for me. I need to put my thoughts into words on a page. I need to brainstorm onto the page. I need to break things into small steps. My brain goes into a soupy fog even thinking of doing the lunch dishes. I want to dump everything and run away. It’s only after I slowly and mindfully start scraping off the plates, loading them into the sink/dishwasher, putting in soap, turning on the water…that my brain starts to relax. My hands and mind connect, gets into a rhythm and somehow the dishes are done. I go, “Well, that wasn’t bad!” I go through this every day.

I can also say that this wasn’t at all bad  for the 6th day of this challenge. I get to do this all over again tomorrow.

 

CHOICES, SABBATICALS, WORDS

Three more days till the end of January. Three more days till the end of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I do have alot to say today as in every day. The getting them out is not the easy thing. How do I start? is always the question. How to introduce and lead in, is difficult. There is the natural flow and rhythm of a conversation between people/friends. With some people, I don’t have to think about it. We get together, greet each other and talk happens. It’s effortless.

Other times, I have to give it some careful thought. How do I want the direction of our time together and conversation go? What is the nature of our relationship? How well do I know this person? Do I want to keep the relationship? In the past, I have not practiced due tact and wisdom. I have not been discerning. It is not that I am a blunt and tactless person. I know manners and proper etiquette. I have never told anyone to their face that I hate their guts, or that their outfit is really bad, never mind what their hair looks like. Maybe I would have been better off if I had been THAT honest.

AND to be honest I have to admit, I haven’t won many valentines for being the proper, polite, honest and helpful person that I am. Obviously that hasn’t been working for me. I have started to mend my ways. I try not to be so frigging uptight.  I don’t have to be the proper all the time. I probably ended up doing all the wrong things by trying so hard. I have failed on a few occasions, of course but I am learning. Now, I’ve given in to just tending to myself for awhile. I’m doing little things like sleeping in a bit, taking a little sabbatical from my aerobics class, minding my own business and wearing blinders. I do not want to hear/see any SOS calls. Sometimes I think I’m more powerful than I am. I am NOT powerful at all.

You know what? I’m feeling better already in one week. I wasn’t liking myself. I wasn’t like how I was going about life. Not that I know how to go about it now. I’m taking a sabbatical from knowing, too. I’m just going to chill and observe. I do feel a softness opening up in me. I think I needed this week’s rest from going with the beat and pumping iron. I’ve gotten a few ideas from Jennifer Louden on how to get back my creative flow. I also use the tips for creative living. The tips I got today are:

  1. Relaxing my body before I do anything so that I can be opened to receive creative energy
  2. Taking back time from being addicted to technology for better use.
  3. Choosing an art and doing it – a small project /day. Choose a medium and act on it.

I have chosen words for today. I’ll get into the paint and pencils another day. For the Ultimate Blog Challenge, out and over till tomorrow.

 

MY NEXT PLAN

I wonder why I am so busy. I would like to just sit, rest or read a book at ease. But there’s something needing doing all the time – bread to be made, groceries to put away. Everywhere I look, I see dust, dirt and Sheba’s hair. How can I rest? How can I sit at ease? Why do I keep asking these same old questions? Why do I walk down the same streets and fall down the same old flipping holes?  I’ve worked through a whole year of doing different. Life remains tough. What is my next plan?

One thing for sure is I can’t wait till I’m all caught up with everything. I have to keep moving –  a little faster and further each day. Otherwise, I will never get out of the damn hole. A little cussing gives me a bit of oomph,  a little more power. Maybe it can boost me up to the edge and I can crawl out.

I’m feeling more calm and focus with each tap, tap of the keyboard. I have to find my way here more often. It is what is helping to slow my thinking mind so that I can do instead of racing around breathlessly in my head. I don’t need to move faster. I need to slow down and set priorities, taking time to figure out what helps/doesn’t help, make lists, keep records/journals….

I’m feeling better. Planning is grounding. I don’t feel like gnashing my teeth anymore. The dishes are in the washer. It’s going round and round. The rhubarb crisp is half started. It can rest in the fridge. Tomorrow is another day.

BUSTING OUT OF MY WET PAPER BAG

Today is one of those chilly, grey late autumn days in Saskatchewan.  It is the kind of weather that I wouldn’t be able to find my way out of a wet paper bag, never mind traveling to the other side of the world,  if I didn’t set my mind to it.  Hmmm, I think I just got a light bulb moment!  I need to keep on setting my intentions – programing myself to do.

Sometimes I find the greyness seeping into my brain.  Sometimes, often it is difficult to get new ideas, do anything new.  You get into this rut of doing the same thing, eating the same meals, over and over.  You are so tire of it, but still CAN’T change.  Well, darn it all, there must be a way!

So this morning, I cooked a pot of steel cut oats and quinoa.  I threw in some diced ham.  It simmered on top of the stove while I read my mail and listened to Tara Brach and her wise and humorous Buddhist teachings.  It was very comforting and soothing way to start the day.  I was feeding my body and my soul.

As I made tea, my body said it needed a little more than just a bowl of porridge.  I needed another taste, another texture.  I cooked a soft-boiled egg.  It was PERFECT.  There was no denying it.  It was so soft and smooth and I was just delighted by it.  I am sure my endorphins got a huge kick start.

I am accounting and remembering, the greyness, my moods, my difficult spots, the things I do.  I am remembering the feelings and sensations of what works to bring me back to the center of the earth.

WHAT WORKS, WHAT DOESN’T

Breakfast is done, the dishes are in the dishwasher, the floor is swept and I am before my keyboard.  My heart is pounding a little.  I am taking some deep breaths to slow down.  But it is all good.  This works for me.

I am, by nature, a dawdler, very slow coming out of the gates.  I could dawdle, drink tea and coffee, daydream and not get a single thing done all day.  It is not a bad thing.  But daydreams are not the stuff of real satisfaction.  They do not fill your pocketbook, put dinner on the table or rid the cobwebs in the corners of your house.  They do add cobwebs to my mind, slowing it down even more.

I have to do different.  I don’t want to be stuck in ways that don’t work.   I do not want to be a prisoner of bad habits.   I am a slow learner.  But now, I GIVE HER.  Right after breakfast, I move fast and steady.  I do not obsess. My mop goes over a spot once.  Done!  My dust rag over an area once.  Another done.  I am cleaning like a MOTHER FUCKER.  Swish, swish, swish!  Please excuse the language.

I adopted the term from Cheryl Strayed.  She wrote a book called WILD.  She used the term with reference to her writing….from the heart.  I would like to write like that, but we all have our own styles.  I write like Tinkerbell.  I hope that I have a bit of fairy dust with my words.  It works for me.  I see myself in my words.  I see my actions.  I see my mistakes.  I learn from my words.  I tap away the shadows and cobwebs in my mind.

Now I need to MOVE on with the day!