Friday. The sun came out. The temperature went up. It’s 26℃ and the wind is blowing at 47 km/hour. Super crazy, eh? from a cloudy cool 17℃ of yesterday. It is what it is. My body is liking today better than yesterday. I’m taking an extra strength Tylenol tid, that is 3 times a day to help me roll with the punches. No matter how I feel, I want to move and get some things done. That’s another challenge I’ve adopted. If I feel lousy not doing anything, I might as well do something and have something to show for my suffering.
Procrastination and avoidance have their own pain. They don’t work. They’re like the elephant in the room, weighing heavy on the back of my mind. I’m going to put on my thinking cap. Maybe I can conjure up a workable manual on how to get anything done. A good starting point is to identify what it is that I want done. Then I need to identify what steps I need to take to accomplish that task. Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Apparently not, for me.
I’m sick and tired of how I’ve been. I find it hard to do stuff. I fret, fuss and feel totally uncomfortable, not wanting to get to the task and not knowing how and where to start. I think and worry about the whole enchilada. It’s one huge blob/problem in my mind. No wonder I feel overwhelmed and run away. I made a new start today. NO MORE OVERWHELM. I had an hour this morning before heading out to our exercise class. I asked myself, What do I want to do with that time? I had plans of doing more seeding. The seed packs had been sitting on the dining table for a few days now. I willed myself to the task. I willed myself to put the seed packs away after. It didn’t take all that long. I had time to plant a few left over peas I had sprouted awhile back.
It’s a small step in the right direction. I have to keep asking myself, what do I want to get done. Then I need to think of each step I need to take. I also need to stop having a cuppa/break before I do anything. I need to do first and then have a cuppa. As you may have gathered, I have many cuppa in a day.
It’s Friday, another write day. I’ve just come back from a walk to our community garden. I’m not as fit as I thought. Though as the name suggests, the garden is in the community and close by, I found it not that near. I am fairly taxed by the trek. I am relaxing with a cuppa after doing some stretches for my heels. Since Sheba’s left us for doggy heaven, I haven’t done much walking at all. I must schedule some regular times for it. It is good to keep all my muscle groups in good working condition. I do lose what I don’t use.
I have to admit that I am still distracted by the rich and famous and have a fascination with why people commit suicide. It’s not as much fascination as wanting to understand. And so I found myself scrolling through this article about famous people who took their lives and left notes. It hasn’t helped my understanding one bit. I don’t think that it’s stigma that prevents people from talking about depression or seeking help. There has been plenty talk about it. Don’t you think? I think it is the nature of the disease.
I had suffered from it. What I mean is I had suffered enough that I sought help and had received counselling and medication for it. I no longer do. I’ve come to a place where I feel fairly peaceful and restful with life. I recognize that life is not perfect. Humans are not perfect. We are all flawed in different ways and degrees. I have sorted out my priorities, what is important and what makes me happy. I know what is what in this moment. It is now I see it and now I don’t. Sometimes understanding and knowing yourself is fleeting. I guess that’s why it is important to be in the moment, to be flexible and willing to change.
I am happy for my walk today. The scent of lilacs was in the air. So many trees in bloom. It was a pretty sight with colourful blooms and the green grass all around. I have missed my daily walks with Sheba through our neighbourhood. You would be surprised at how many people noticed us. I was. One time a teenager came upon us and said he has been watching our walks for years. I had to smile at that. It’s a good memory to keep me smiling and feeling mellow.
It’s Friday, Chinese AirForce Day, as someone once called it. I took the bait and asked why. He said, It’s F-l-y-day. Would you call that a racial slur? Anyways, I chuckled like a good agreeable Chinese woman. I wasn’t offended, honest. I’m a little sleep deprived. I couldn’t sleep past 3 this morning. I hate it when that happens. And it does occasionally, especially when the weather shifts. I whine about the weather alot. Not only it disrupts my sleep but also my moods.
There’s alot I could whine about but I’m too tired. My edginess have worn off and I’m pretty mellow. My AM Energizer class certainly helped. My serotonin level was further elevated by lunch with the “YWCA” girls, our first in 2 years at the Parktown. We had a good time but we do miss the buffet which is no more. So many changes in 2 years. The diningroom was mostly empty except for us. It was a good and bad thing at the same time.
I am just poking along here, keeping up with my routines. I have just finished reading Naomi Judd’s book, River of Time and watched Ashley Judd speaking to Diane Sawyer about her mother’s suicide by a firearm. So sad! I have to be careful that I don’t dwell on all this too much. I am not emotionally fragile but vulnerable. Having experienced depression myself, I admire and have great respect for Naomi and her two daughters. Life is hard and messy and their lives certainly were. Wyona described it perfectly when she said they literally went from the shit house to the White House. What a journey and what an adjustment. Now they have more to adjust to. River of Time is a worthwhile read.
I am happy to say that I have a handle on my moods. Knock on wood. I have worked very hard every day to maintain good mental health. I have read countless books on the subject. I’ve put what I’ve learned to practice. One of those was getting Sheba. She took me out of the house and out of my bad moods. I got a heavy dose of nature and exercise. We went out rain, snow or sunshine. We were more regular than the mailman. Now she’s gone but she’s prepared me well. She certainly had earned her keep. I love her forever – then and now.
I just came back from our morning walk. We miss our skis in the park dearly. I miss the snow and cold air. They’re all so invigorating. I don’t feel as well physically, therefore also emotionally in hot weather. I will try not to moan too much. But have you noticed how warm this March is? Yesterday the forecast was 8℃ for a high. It went up to 14℃. This morning I woke up to 4℃ outside and 9℃ in the greenhouse at 6 am. Holy cats! No climate change, eh?
It’s not that I’m unhappy spring is here. It could be a slower transition so my body can adjust. It’s such a jolt. One week I’m skiing, the next I feel like it’s bathing suit season. However, it is good for our greenhouse. Already now at 11:30 am the temperature inside is 25℃. I’ve opened up 3 vents to the 2nd notch and the temperature still rose. I can see that we will have some greens for a salad soon. And the possibility of tomatoes in June a reality.
It is after supper now. My afternoon disappeared. I’m returning to close up the conversation. What is there to say? I spent the time away doing a little sewing a quilt square and sowing more seeds. I gave myself a break and a lazy soak in the bath and listening to the podcast White Coat, Black Art. It was on Bill C -7 to expand access to medical assistance in dying. As soon as I stepped out of the tub, I got a message from the 5th uncle in NYC. My third uncle has just passed away. He was 93. Could I tell my mother. He couldn’t get through on the phone.
I feel so sad. We are so far away. It reminded me of when my grandmother died so many years ago. My parents and my brother and sister were living in New York at the time. It was just me alone here in Saskatoon, going to the University of Saskatchewan. I went there for Christmas. It was my 3rd uncle who met me at the airport. He said to me in the car, Your grandmother has passed. I fought back the tears and the lump in my throat. I hate displaying emotions. I was a little angry nobody told me before then. They did not want it to interfere with my studies. The funeral was already done.