Friday. The sun came out. The temperature went up. It’s 26℃ and the wind is blowing at 47 km/hour. Super crazy, eh? from a cloudy cool 17℃ of yesterday. It is what it is. My body is liking today better than yesterday. I’m taking an extra strength Tylenol tid, that is 3 times a day to help me roll with the punches. No matter how I feel, I want to move and get some things done. That’s another challenge I’ve adopted. If I feel lousy not doing anything, I might as well do something and have something to show for my suffering.
Procrastination and avoidance have their own pain. They don’t work. They’re like the elephant in the room, weighing heavy on the back of my mind. I’m going to put on my thinking cap. Maybe I can conjure up a workable manual on how to get anything done. A good starting point is to identify what it is that I want done. Then I need to identify what steps I need to take to accomplish that task. Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Apparently not, for me.
I’m sick and tired of how I’ve been. I find it hard to do stuff. I fret, fuss and feel totally uncomfortable, not wanting to get to the task and not knowing how and where to start. I think and worry about the whole enchilada. It’s one huge blob/problem in my mind. No wonder I feel overwhelmed and run away. I made a new start today. NO MORE OVERWHELM. I had an hour this morning before heading out to our exercise class. I asked myself, What do I want to do with that time? I had plans of doing more seeding. The seed packs had been sitting on the dining table for a few days now. I willed myself to the task. I willed myself to put the seed packs away after. It didn’t take all that long. I had time to plant a few left over peas I had sprouted awhile back.
It’s a small step in the right direction. I have to keep asking myself, what do I want to get done. Then I need to think of each step I need to take. I also need to stop having a cuppa/break before I do anything. I need to do first and then have a cuppa. As you may have gathered, I have many cuppa in a day.
It’s not my write day today but I feel like talking. When that comes, it’s good to listen. It’s another overcast and cloudy day. It had rained some overnight. I think it is going to be this kind of summer – cool and unpredictable. The forecast for Saturday is sunny and 34℃. Can you believe it? That’s 2 days away. By then things could change and anything is possible. Maybe not snow though.
I feel uneasy. It is a frequent visitor. Coming home from exercise yesterday, I had a sense that we’re living in a Stephen King novel. Something is terribly wrong with our world and we’re just watching and waiting and not doing. I’m feeling this discomfort of avoidance and helplessness. It’s a good reason to come to my keyboard and tap. It stops my mind from pacing uselessly back and forth. I’m focused on the words and sentences. With luck I can tap out some comfort and a course of action.
Right now there are things I need to and can do. They are the small acts of daily living. No matter what, we need to get up, dress up and show up for what is here. The yogurt needs to be made. The milk is close to its expiration date. It is an easy process. Steam the milk for 1 minute in the Instant Pot. Then cool for 20 minutes till it’s 120℉ or less. Put in a scoop of plain yogurt and ¼ cup of powder milk. Stir well. Pour into yogurt jars and place in yogurt maker. Cover and plug in. Leave for 4 hours till yogurt forms to desired consistency. Easy peasy. Not so if I don’t have a plan of action for uneasy days.
I can override my natural tendency for these feelings of unease. These are good times to pay attention to areas of need – like cupboards and closets. Sorting and cleaning my outer space gives me a sense of sorting and cleaning my inner space/thoughts and feelings. It can give me a sense of control and empowerment. Sometimes those areas are not the right thing to tackle. Then I’m ok to use escapism, like diving into a book that takes me completely away. The Chamber by John Grisham is such a book. It’s about death row, the death penalty, the KKK and racism – not exactly light hearted and a feel good kind of book. It was very impactful, making me rethink almost everything about life, how we are/were and how to go forward.
Now the morning is almost gone. I’ve got the yogurt yogurting. I’ve cleaned up the equipment I used in the process. Now to harvest some lettuce and radishes for a salad for lunch. The phone rang just now. A recording said it was Amazon and that they will be billing $35.00 to my account. Who are these people who are so technically capable of cheating us? Why don’t they use their abilities to help people instead? Such is the world we live in.
A lovely summer evening. It was a perfect afternoon, too. I’ve been able to sit in this space in perfect comfort. Perfect weather is rare this summer. It alternates between stifling heat, rain, wind, thunder and lightning. I’m enjoying this peaceful lull, watching the sunlight fade on the garage wall. I am sipping my decaf and tapping on the keyboard.
I’m late again with my words. Life happens as they say. Things come knocking on my day. Before I know it, a bunch of time is gone. So here I sit, making excuses again. What I didn’t do was to seize the day, the opportunities, the time. It is not a bad thing. Sometimes I just have to let things come and go. I am not what they call a go-getter. I am not lazy but I do like to daydream, heave my sighs and think about moving. I like to say it’s my natural state but that’s making excuses again. What it is, is that I have some bad habits.
This month of July, the month of the Ultimate Blog Challenge, I’m paying more attention. I’m being more mindful. I’m learning more about myself – the good, the bad and the ugly. I think I’m correcting some of my bad habits and behaviour. I’m working through my avoidance, getting over those ugly feelings of “I don’t want to…..and life is hard.” I’ve worked through those overwhelmed feelings by tackling one thing at a time. Multi-tasking is not good for my brain. I’m feeling less of my uglies – anxiety and depression. Life is easier. I’m sweating the small stuff less.
It is almost 9 pm. The sun is gone but it is still light. I can still see the blue of the sky. How wonderful the day. How wonderful my life.
It was a struggle, but the lunch dishes are done. The stovetop is wiped off. There’s nothing that aggravates my unease more than dirty dishes and greasy stovetop. Today is not what I call a great day though I am trying in my usual way. I’m not quite as efficient or productive. I’m feeling the malaise caused by the flare up of my Lichen planus. I’m chilling but maybe it’s too much. I need to move just a little more.
I cuddled up too long this morning with Sue Grafton’s D is for Deadbeat. But I did tear myself away and worked at organizing a work station for tranplanting my seedlings. It’s easier if I have everything close at hand. Then I don’t have to trip over things and rummage around to find all the necessary stuff. I’m trying to understand why I couldn’t take the time to do this before. I’m concentrating hard on untangling all my mess. Maybe in the process I will find the answers. It would be good if I didn’t have to struggle so much with everything.
It’s come to me as I’m tapping here that my struggles could be a result of avoiding and dreading unpleasant things. Avoidance tend to cause alot of pile ups. It’s never a solution for anything but I did it. Maybe avoidance eroded my immune system and caused the lichen planus. I’m swearing off it now. I’ve been sweating facing up to everything but I’m standing up to it all – one issue at a time. Now I have to face up to taking Sheba out for her walk. I don’t feel like it, but I’ll do it anyways.
It’s sunny out but it’s dang unpleasant. It’s cold with a nasty biting wind. We’re glad the walk is over and we’re home, warm and snug. I’m brewing some dandelion tea. I hope it will give me a pick up. Meanwhile I’m thinking of starting a mood blanket. I got the idea from Instagram. There was a bunch of creative people knitting and crocheting temperature blankets. Curious, I asked. The blankets are made of colours according to the temperature of each day. Each colour represents a range of temperature. I thought it would be interesting to assign moods to colours. A Granny square a day would not be too much. It would keep my mind on creating instead of my discomfort. What colour would you give to tire?
It’s one thing to talk about getting real but another to do it. I was readily led off into cyberspace first thing this morning. I was off again chasing others’ lives rather than my own. But it’s out of the way now (I hope). I’ll work on getting back into my own now.
The morning is as gloomy as can be. I’ll try to rise above my inertia and shine this little light of mine. I can’t sit and count others to do it for me. It has never happened. Why would it now? I better sit up and polish up my stars so they can twinkle and light up my world. I’ve folded up some laundry and a load is in the washer. Some ripe tomatoes are sorted, washed, bagged and in the freezer. The heavy traffic floors are vacuumed. I’m sipping my second cup of tea here, tapping out my thoughts and progress.
What I know for sure is it is difficult to be in the here and now. Seems like my natural inclination to drift anywhere but here. It feels uncomfortable to deal with whatever it is in front of me. I can’t quite understand it but that’s the thing. I don’t know about you, but I push it (whatever it is) aside, behind me – in avoidance. Not that it helps. I still have that uncomfortable, nagging, dreading feeling all the while.
I’m beginning to think all these feelings of avoidance and dread come from the habit of avoidance. It’s a well worn groove now and I need some muscle power to boost myself out. I’ve been spinning and spinning, tap and tapping about it all this time. I fall back in time after time. I need to tell a new story. I need new and better habits. I just have to start with one – now.
I’m not very good at prioritizing and making lists. I try to do it all in my head. It doesn’t really work all that well any more. My attention span and memory were nothing to brag about. Now, they’re even worse. It is almost 5 pm and I’m breathless thinking about stuff to do. The list is a mess, a jumble in my head. Oh, corrections! I do get the bills paid on time. It’s the housework that causes me grief. I do go on about it, don’t I? I think it’s because I’m no good at it and I avoid it. I should sing a different tune. I’m even annoying myself.
I have a plan as I sit here tap, tapping away. I am going to dedicate Saturday as HOUSE DAY. It was on Saturdays that I had to do the dusting when I was a kid. We lived in a little rented house back of the cafe with an outdoor toilet. We had a potbelly wood/coal stove. The linoleum was peeling and we had no running water. The water man came with his truck every week and filled our water tank. Life was different. I didn’t know what to think. I was eight years old and had just immigrated to Canada from Hong Kong.
I do digress but sometimes it’s good to look back to see how far we’ve travelled. I’m looking way, way back. I’m probably practicing procrastination and avoidance. Oh, I’ll just indulge today. Tomorrow is Saturday and I’ll do my housework. I’m good on my word once I’ve said it.
You know what? I had not one word of English when I started Grade 1 in Canada. I remember my teacher’s name was Miss Woodall. She had long reddish hair and wore sweater sets with pleated skirts, the style of the day. She was very kind but kept me in at recess. That was so that I could work on my English. I remember having a hard time pronoucing ‘roof ‘. The word stuck to the roof of my mouth. I couldn’t quite get it out.
Enough digressing! Time’s flying and the dog needs walking yet, plus a myriad of other things. You know what I mean. I’m not very smooth or coherent with my words today. My mind is like a dryer drum spinning and spinning.
Life seems to conspire against me but I’m not going to let that trip me up. It’s a gentle reminder to look after things, otherwise the next reminder might not be as gentle. There’s nothing like a leak with things getting wet and water running onto the floor to wake me up. Even though I was tired and getting ready for bed, I investigated and dealt with the leak. I wouldn’t want to have a flood on my hands, would I?
It took longer than I thought. It was a bit messy. I hated doing it but I had to. I hate dealing with almost everything. It’s easier to let things go in the short run. It catches up and is harder in the long run. But my lazy brain likes the immediate easy. My seeing different today is I need to deal with all life’s leaks as they come along. Better to suffer the discomfort now than to experience disaster later.
It is late. I shall dispense with the photos. All I have tonight are my words. They will have to do. I’m learning to be flexible. I am seeing my path clearer each day. I breathe a little easier with each step. Some days I can almost sing Hallelujah. I am not slip, sliding away.