Sunday, God’s day of rest. I lingered in bed a little longer, nesting in the warmth of the comforter. Nothing on my agenda. No need for rushing and crashing. Yet at the same time, it’s not a license to sloth either. I swing my legs over the edge and head to the bathroom. Face washed and teeth brushed, I ran the brush through my bed head. Not pretty but almost not frightening. It will do for now.
The days are getting longer now. It was still light at 6 pm yesterday. This stretch of February has been wonderfully sunny. The cold has not been bad though the temperature is -23 degrees Celius at this moment. The sun is streaming into the room. The dog and I are toasty warm. I love to linger in this sunny space. It is a good place to work in and on this morning.
I am experimenting with rescheduling to find what are the best times to do anything. It seems l’m just treading water and not getting anywhere. I know it’s not true – just perceptions of my mood. It would also be of benefit if I chart my moods as to the time of day/month/seasons. I am always working at something, aren’t I? That’s my nature. I like to make ‘improvements’ on myself. Nothing stays the same. It’s best to change for the better, don’t you think?
That’s where I am going – for the better. It’s taken me a long time but I got it. It’s not always about me – that caused it, that has to fix everything or anything. I’ve finally curbed my delusion of being Atlas. I don’t have to, I cannot hold up the sky for eternity. I am but an ordinary human being. I love the smallness of my ordinary life. I am happy to putter along, one small step at a time.
It is 1:18 pm. Sheba and I are having a mini session of sitting, get down and staying. It’s what we do in the afternoon. Obedience training for her, patience training for me. She is momentarily distracted by the guy leaving for his workshop. There is some excited barks and prancing around. We refocus. Now she’s on her bed licking per paws . A quiet interlude. We will go to the park for her reward later.
It’s a beautiful sunny and warm day. A lot of the snow have melted. I should be jubilant. Instead, I am in an undetermined mood -somewhat despondent, somewhat mellow yellow. No, I’m not under the influence of drugs. Maybe languid is a better word. Energized is not my frequent state. It is no wonder that nothing seems to matter to me. To care takes a lot of energy, energy that I don’t have.
But in order to live and thrive in this world, one has to give a shit somehow. I know what happens when you don’t. You fall through the ‘cracks’. I imagine they are the same cracks that lets the light in in Leonard Cohen’s song, Anthem. All the same, I rather stay out of them. I’m experimenting on how to manage the energy that I do have.
I took time and Sheba out in the middle of this post. We went to the dog park and had us some time. Some days you just have to make that effort. Some days are made for sniffing snow and to look up at the blue of the sky. Sheba found a few furry bums to sniff, too. All the better. She did get into a scrap or two but it was all good. No blood was shed. We came home tired and hungry but also refreshed. So it was double the pleasure to sit with my tea, toast and jam while Sheba devoured her kibbles.
Now it is evening. I’m sitting with my wine, trying to tap the end to my mumblings. Perhaps the wine isn’t helping my thinking or writing. What I can say is morning is the best time for an energy burst. I indulge myself with reading in my tea time before breakfast. I’m still engrossed in Last Night in Twisted River. I love it. There’s lots on cooking in it since it is about a cook and his son. After breakfast I try to do the hard stuff – those chores of keeping house and lives in order. If I leave those for later, it doesn’t happen.
You must know by now that after lunch, my energy leaves town and me with it. Afternoon is the time I sit to tap even though I feel like napping. It’s working out. I’m succeeding and stretching for more. I’m learning to adapt my activities to my energy and time of day. It is a struggle but if I don’t struggle and stretch, I would end up being a puddle on the floor. I’m struggling now and will struggle to review and edit this – practicing to be patient.