MOOD SWINGS

Day 22 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. 8 more days. I can do it. It has become a habit again. These days my mood can turn on a dime. It’s better to pound on the keyboard than on someone. Not that anyone has given me any reason, but you know how it is. It is the question of which comes first – the chicken or the egg. In the case of moods, is it the mood or is it the stimulus. You are on the edge. Then along comes the straw that broke the camel’s back. Kapow!**

I’ve been wary and vigilant though. In these moments I try to keep calm and not behave like my usual old self. I try to use the not-so-good vibes toward decluttering and cleaning. It’s a good tool and choice of activity for me. It’s what our mothers used to do to de-stress. It’s what I used to do, too, but somehow have lost the habit. Cleanliness no longer was next to godliness. They both got tossed aside for sometimes meaningless scrolling through social media and the Internet. Regardless of how I got here, I’m turning back to more hands-on living.

It’s not easy to change back, let me tell you. In the middle of my cleaning this morning, I got more depressed and wasted. There’s so much clutter and so much dust. I felt pale and drained just thinking about it and seeing what laid before me. I had to console myself. I tell myself that if I just sort out one small box, it will be enough. That did the trick. I dug in, cleared some dust and a box. What I learn today is:

baskets and boxes are hazards for hanging onto things forever.
I have trouble throwing out pens.
I can clean and declutter faster than I think I can.
cleaning and decluttering can be enjoyable.
I can control which way I swing.
I can be a clear bug as well as a cluttered one.

I shall dedicate the rest of the month to doing more cleaning and clearing daily. 8 days are do-able. Then I shall set a new schedule. Baby steps doesn’t work for me. And I hate that phrase. Not enough time left for baby steps. I have to take giant leaps forward. Onward ho!

IF I SHOULD DISAPPEAR

I’m trying to make life simple again. I can’t believe how complicated and cluttered it could get. Everything starts out simple enough but everyone wants you to upgrade to the executive membership, to the premier plan, to the delux model. I could go on and on. Well, I have had enough. I will give up my Costco executive membership. I will go back to my free WordPress plan. So if I should disappear, you will know what happened. I’ve been getting reminders and notices that if I don’t renew my domain and personal plan, you might not find me again!

It is all very frightening when it is coming at me like that – to lose my word space. When I really think about it, it is not such a big deal. I hang onto things too much and too tightly. It will be good to lose the fear and live a little. If my onethousandandtwo.com disappears, I can always create a new space. It will be an adventure, creating a new space. What will I call it? What will be different? I have 6 days left to think about it. But I suspect this space will still be here somehow.

I’m enjoying a small spell of energy and flow lately. It’s wonderful to feel the flow of life, as if it is moving, going somewhere. I haven’t had the feeling for a long, long time. I will try to keep it going. I’ve been putting in an extra effort, reining myself in when I feel myself reverting to reacting in the same ineffectual manners of old. I take that pause in my head to talk to myself. You don’t want to do the same old, same old, I tell myself. You can do better even if you don’t like it. And I could. One victory at a time. One breath at a time. One day at a time.

And here I am at the end of another day. I am still in a midst of clutter but I am working at it. I’ve decluttered my head. It’s thinking clearly again. I’ve peeled off layers and layers of useless thinking. I’ve deleted a lot of useless photos and videos from my phone. They’ve done their job. Time to let them go. And it is time for me to go, too.

LIFE, DEATH AND TRASH

I was surprised that I did sleep well last night. But my worms are alive and wiggling again this morning. Our province and I’m sure other parts of the country are awashed with grief. 15 people were killed over the weekend when the Humboldt Broncos junior hockey team bus collided with a transport truck. There are no words to describe but I’ll try to tap dance my way out. It serves no purpose to be caught in darkness and hopelessness. I might as well get on with shedding my mental and physical trash.

I have never found an easy journey, not any that’s worth travelling. First of all, you have to know your destination, where you want to arrive or achieve. Then you have to know the directions and how to’s. You would need a vehicle or tools. Do you have enough fuel or the desire. These are the considerations before you start out. I have failed in the past because lack of planning and thinking out the steps. Now that I know better, how am I doing?

I like to think I’m doing better. I know I am doing very well. I have a destination. I have tools. I have focus. I have read 70% of Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. It contains very good information of how and why we became who we are. Understanding is the key to any procedure/change. It is the aha/lightbulb moment. It is tricky though. Now I see. Then I don’t see. I’ve had to give things a rest until I see again. It is difficult but I am persistent in emptying my mental trash along with my physical and computer trash.

It is almost noon. Time to think about and prepare lunch. My Roomba is going up and down the hall, having vacuumed the bedroom and the bathroom. Cleanliness is next to holiness in my humble opinion. No more trash is my new motto.

FACING MY GREMLINS

It’s a beautiful sunny day – calm and cool, but not too cool. I wish I was calm and cool but I am not. Those little gremlins are nibbling at my heels, disturbing my peace. Sheba is making her little whining noises at the same time. Comfort me! Feed me! I rub her ears and tell her it’s a bit early. I give in. Otherwise, I would have no peace.

Perhaps today is not a good day to declutter. But then, would there be such a day? I’ve been waiting for years now. It hasn’t shown up so I took a deep breath and started.

I’m a clutter bug, not a true blue hoarder. But then, maybe I am or could easily become one. I better get a move on! I am not plunging head long into the dig and clearing of stuff. I don’t have the energy or presence of mind so I am treading softly and carefully doing the easy stuff. I’m having a tough time parting with stuff, even the easy stuff. I haven’t practice sorting and detaching at all. It is really the ideas and memories they hold and not the things themselves.

The gremlins are getting more stimulated now. I feel their agitation in my head. I breathe in and out, seeing and feeling myself in the warm water of the swimming pool. My arms rise and fall with each stroke. I’m flipping my legs softly like a mermaid’s tail. I can do it! I gather the dried roses from the basket, breaking off the blooms from the stem. I will enjoy their colours for one more day. Tomorrow they will be recycled back into earth. No need to hang on and gather dust forever. There’s more waiting in the wings.

It’s tough letting go of forever. I’m feeling the gremlins and fear of letting go. After all, it is the goal of this blog – to dig deep through the fear and letting it go. Another deep breath and I’m down in the basement. I have dug through the basket of laundered clothes, untouched in at least 3 years. It feels as if a bogey man was hiding there, ready to pounce out at me.

No bogey man. I found only myself, the one who forgot to take care of herself for awhile – and some clothes I didn’t put away. They are in bags now, ready for donation to Value Village. Is it melodramatic to say that it was TOUGH and I feel a bit shaky? Well, it is and I am. It’s definitely time for another cup of tea and maybe a chocolate chip cookie or two.