Spring is not always what it’s cracked up to be – full of sunshine, joy and green things pushing up from the ground. Today was tough, the temperature in the minus double digits. My back trouble nagged me through the night into the morning and well into the afternoon. I was feeling surly and well nigh miserable. I hate to complain but why shouldn’t I? Why can’t I ventilate and ease some of my miseries? That’s what ‘they’ tell you to do. Let it out. But when you do, ‘they’ label you a complainer. So I let off steam here. It’s coming out both ears.
Thank goodness for Sue Grafton’s alphabet series. A good thriller takes my mind off my various discomforts. I’ve read A is for Alibi in one day. It’s that good. Now I’m feeling at a loss but at least my back is better. It’s not spasming and making me scream out anymore. I feel less grumpy and hostile. But I’m not feeling nice. I still feel somewhat like hell. I have another Sue Grafton on hand – D is for Deadbeat. That describes me at the moment. I better save that for tomorrow in case I have a repeat of today. Besides, it is almost supper time.
You and I know that some days are better than others. Today is definitely not a better day. But it is what it is. I have to deal with it as best as I can and not to make it worse. Obviously my body is telling me to rest. I should accept it as a gift. I can lull around, mope, drink tea, read, get grumpy, eat chocolate…without feeling guilty. It is okay not to feel on top of the world. I don’t have to smile. I can scowl if I feel like it. So there! Take that any way you like. Tomorrow is another day.
I’m trying to get my ass in gear but it’s feeling mighty heavy today. It doesn’t help that I pulled or twisted something in my lower back this morning. I was simply moving my sewing table into a better spot. The table had wheels so it wasn’t even heavy nor the move strenuous. But my back went an oh-oh. It passed fairly quickly but remains a dull ache. Life is never pain free. Now, I have to google for stretches for the lower back.
It’s snowing again, just when our solar panels are cleared and making electricity. This late March snow is wearing on my one nerve that is left. Sheba and I have just come back from our walk. Yesterday’s slush have frozen into hard crusty bumpy ice. I did not enjoy an inch of the walk. And we did inched along, my footsteps heavy as lead. Nothing fun about nature today. Am I complaining? You bettcha. Having a bad mood day but I’m not throwing it around. I’m keeping it here on the page.
I had time this morning to watch a small segment of Caroline Myss’ video on Self Esteem and the Power of Your Choices. I agree with her that words are magic carpets. They are transformative. That is why I return here, to my space, to tap out the words, to dig out the magic/solutions. It’s one way for me to be in the present moment, to sit here with my mind focused to this moment. It creates space for silence and rest for my busy wandering mind. I let go of the daily chatter. I hear the tap, tap of the keys. It is soothing. I feel my shoulders relaxing and dropping. The ache in my lower back is easing. My forehead unfurls. I am emptied of my striving and fussing.
Another cup of tea and some toast and jam and I will feel replenished and ready for moving and doing again.
Can you believe it? I’m experiencing the same feeling as yesterday, the day before and the day before that. I want to put off – practically everything:
Taking my car in. It has another recall. I do hate deciding when and phoning for an appointment.
Clearing my desk and the piles in the basement. I grow instantly tired and sleepy with the thought. I have nightmares thinking about Income Tax time and rounding up all the paper stuff.
Writing but here I am, out of habit, tap, tapping out my anguish.
Updating my will even though I am getting older by the minute.
My life – what do I want to do with the rest of it?
That’s just the tip of the iceberg as they say. Right this moment I want to close my eyes and make everything disappear. Since I don’t know any magic, I’ll just tap and sip my tea. Maybe that will be magic enough. I wouldn’t mind some toast and jam later. I’ve worked off my lunch walking and talking with God at the park. It’s a windy afternoon, but I had my Linda Lundstrom parka on. The hood blocked the wind well. I was snug as a bug. The fur baby and I did 3 laps around the park. We had good company, too, the two legged and four-legged kind.
Well, I guess this is enough putting off. I best get at the toast and jam. Otherwise it’ll be supper time. I did set up an appointment for Tuesday morning to get some pointers on my new Bernina sewing machine. It has alot of gizmo on it. I should learn how to operate it properly and not by gosh and darn.
January is moving slowly for me. It’s been a harsh month of fluctuating temperatures. Can you believe that it was -45 degrees C with the windchill just a week or two ago. Today, the high is 7 degrees C. Right now it is still a balmy 6 degrees. It is melting. No point in complaining because someone is sure to tell me that nothing makes me happy.
They would be right! This weather is draining my energy. My legs feel like giant heavy logs. My feet like I’m wearing weighty steel-toed shoes as I drag through the slush with Sheba in toe. Every day in January it seems I’m moaning and groaning about something. I can’t talk, meditate or kick myself out of it. I bitch and complain but life still has to be lived. So I just do it. Sheba and I have to walk. We just do it.
We are back from our walk. I take the garbage bin to the front curb. It is garbage day tomorrow. The snow is melting. The backyard is a mess with Sheba’s poop littered here and there. I sigh a great big sigh. I feel exhausted, disgusted and not at all inclined to do it. BUT it does not pick itself. Sheba is not trained to pick up after herself. It’s NOT going away. I might as well JUST DO IT! Okay. It’s DONE – two bags of it! Ugh!