bitching

A MONKEY WRENCH

So I come to this space to bitch and complain again about how unfair it all is. I want to lay down, throw a tantrum on the floor, kick my legs up and down and scream. I didn’t do any of that but I felt as if I had. What I did was I called 911 and then the police because it wasn’t a life threatening emergency. It felt like one. You would know how it is if you’ve lived next to someone like my neighbour for 12 years.

It’s really difficult to safeguard oneself against a social path 100% of the time. I am upset with myself that I let her get under my skin. But what can I do when she’s right in my face, baiting me? My attempt to walk away when she started removing my flat rocks from around my freshly planted juniper failed . She threw in a monkey wrench in my policy of no reaction whatsoever. When she started calling out to me that she has public access to my property 3 feet  beyond the property line and that she has the rights to remove any barrier got to me. She stated that she has studied the bylaws well and she knows many people at city hall and the police dept. Then she accused me of giving her 2 parking tickets and setting up a mouse trap to get her. Oh yes, I mustn’t forget our ‘weeds’. She named all the neighbours that hate the ‘weeds’ in our yard. She hates our ‘weeds’ and has a right to come and weed 3 feet into our yard.

How is it possible for me to give her 2 parking tickets? I’m not the meter maid and there’s no meter on her driveway. As far as the mouse trap, my partner did find one on our property but we did not put it there. She’s accused him of storing bicycle parts under our deck a problem for attracting mice. I felt trapped as how to deal with the woman. I decided to cross the street to a neighbour who she’s friendly with for help/witness to this situation. She promptly told me he’s not home today. It did not surprise me. She always chose times when I’m alone to ‘talk’ to me.

My guy was in the house having his lunch. I rung the doorbell to get him to come out and to bring my phone. What I should have done was to yell help to scare her off instead of engaging with her. By this time, she had removed my cement blocks I had put to support the trellis I put up between my house and the fence to keep her out and my dog from running into the front yard. It was silly of me that we could get her to listen. I asked her to repeat for my partnership what she had said to me – her right to access our property. By this time I’ve got my phone to record her. Not a good plan or I wasn’t smart at it. She tried to grab it from me. Good thing she had a cup in her other hand.

The moral of the story is, it is not at all worth it because here I am at 4 am. Still unable to sleep. The policewoman did give me a phone number to check up on the said bylaws and to call the police if she is moving and taking things on my property. And the only answer I got at the number was a recording. Instead of just stewing, I’ve sent off an email to city hall, the bylaws depart. It’s good to get the facts from the right people even though it sounds like she’s bluffing.

I think I’m done. I hope I can let it go now. I know the right thing to do is to let it go. But people, it is not easy. What I know for sure is I can not engage with her. I know for sure is that I’m the one that looks bad when I react. I cannot have a normal conversation with her. I will have my phone with me when I’m working in the yard. It is a pity that I cannot enjoy the peace and beauty of my own yard. I’m redoing my perennial beds, digging up my irises and daylilies to divide and relocate. I hope I will get some rest. I have plans for a morning swim and work on my sourdough bread. It will be a 2 day affair and my first one.

MY LEARNING CURVE

My little scratchy throat seemed to have descended into my chest and upwards toward my head. I guess it’s what’s called a summer cold. Whatever it is, it doesn’t feel good. I haven’t been able to sleep lying down for 3 nights now. Every time I tried, I end up bouncing back up in a fit of harrowing cough. Last night was a little better. I took a Tylenol #3 before hand and propped myself up against 2 cushions against the arm of the couch. I was lying down in some way. I was able to sleep in snatches.

I look none the worse for how wretched I felt. I always had trouble getting sympathy when I get one of these episodes, especially at work. I remembered after working a night shift, I approached my manager to see if I should return for another shift. She didn’t give me a resounding no but advised me as did the Health Office, to get some sleep and see. Nobody said I shouldn’t have phoned in sick, but there’s the guilt I felt. When I complained to a fellow coworker/friend that our manager didn’t stick up for me, I got no comfort either. Well, she had her own job to worry about! was what I got.

That was quite a few years ago. Obviously I haven’t learned too much. I’m still not good at taking care of myself. Oh, wait! I mustn’t be harsh with myself. I haven’t been sick like this since the fall of 2014. Four years, that’s pretty good. Good enough. This time I didn’t show up for my shifts. I’m my own boss now. No point trying to be the Wonder Woman that I truly am. I nixed my swimming Monday and Wednesday and will for tomorrow, too. I still puttered in the garden and yard before I got bad.

That’s what I mean about my learning curve. I’ve been outside early in the morning, cleaning and planting the previous week. That was my mistake. The pollen count is the highest in the mornings. I didn’t wear a mask. I’m proned to respiratory ailments due to my sinus anomoly. I knew all that. But I still became a victim to the pollen attacks. I felt pretty smug. I thought I had beaten my condition. I forgot that it can take days to get sick. Now it will take me another week to fully recover – the statistics from past experiences.

When you’re sick, you’re suppose to drink lots of fluids. That is relatively easy to do but rest doesn’t come readily. When I lay down, I start coughing. With all the fluid I’m drinking, I have to bop up to the bathroom frequently. No, there’s no rest or peace feeling this way. The book is too heavy to hold to read for long. A few pages takes hours to read. I’m just sucking it up, doze when I can. But at least the garden is mostly in except for a few kohlrabis and a couple rows of beans. There’s time. They can wait. Most everything can wait.

As you can see, I’m can still bitch. I must be getting better.

LIFE’S USER MANUAL

Here I am again – tap, tapping away on the keyboard. I hope the rhythm will propel words and ideas along. I like to make it all in one go. Aiming high, I know. No point in aiming for less. I would be programming myself for failure that way. God! I’m weary. My spirit is in my slippers. You would think that I’ll be dancing the jig. Our temperature is -3C. The sun is out. It feels like March. My body doesn’t work that way. It likes January to be like January. I’m only bitching here. It is my space. My valve release.

I made it to my aerobics class this morning. I didn’t really feel like it. But I packed my gym bag. Put it near the door. When the time came, I put on my coat and shoes and out the door I went. No thinking. No hesitation. That’s the way I have to do it. Come Wednesday and Friday, it will be easier. My routine is re-established. I always feel better after. I’ve made that effort to live, not just exist. Life is a complicated project. There are many components to figure out. Sometimes the user manual is not particularly clear or helpful. You have to fiddle and jiggle things around to make it work. It makes for interest and challenge. It keeps me going. There are some hiccoughs and stalls. That’s to be expected.

I jiggle Sheba’s time today, making it earlier. It’s nicer to walk in daylight and sunlight when possible. It gets dark anytime after 4 pm. My energy sags even further. So we try for 3 pm. It’s her most naughty time – barking and raising a fuss for her supper. Now we walk at 3. She has to earn her supper first. It’s a good working plan. We’ve done our walk. She’s fed and quiet on her cushion. I can sit here, drink my cups of tea and tap my heart out. Life can be easier just by rescheduling. It’s somewhere in beginning of the user manual. It just takes awhile for me to find it. Most of the time I don’t read directions. Winging  it doesn’t work as well.

JUST DO IT – Day 176 in a year of…

Day 176, January 18, 2017 @5:21 pm

January is moving slowly for me. It’s been a harsh month of fluctuating temperatures. Can you believe that it was -45 degrees C with the windchill just a week or two ago. Today, the high is 7 degrees C. Right now it is still a balmy 6 degrees. It is melting. No point in complaining because someone is sure to tell me that nothing makes me happy.

They would be right! This weather is draining my energy. My legs feel like giant heavy logs. My feet like I’m wearing weighty steel-toed shoes as I drag through the slush with Sheba in toe. Every day in January it seems I’m moaning and groaning about something. I can’t talk, meditate or kick myself out of it. I bitch and complain but life still has to be lived. So I just do it. Sheba and I have to walk. We just do it.

We are back from our walk. I take the garbage bin to the front curb. It is garbage day tomorrow. The snow is melting. The backyard is a mess with Sheba’s poop littered here and there. I sigh a great big sigh. I feel exhausted, disgusted and not at all inclined to do it. BUT it does not pick itself. Sheba is not trained to pick up after herself. It’s NOT going away. I might as well JUST DO IT! Okay. It’s DONE – two bags of it! Ugh!

DISAPPOINTMENT – Day 161 in a year of…

Day 161, January 3, 2016 @7:11 pm

img_5140I have the grouchies with this cold weather. I wonder why my ancestors immigrated to this part of the country/world. Why not Australia or some other parts of the South Pacific? If it has to be America, why not San Francisco or Vancouver? No, there’s no point in wondering. We’re here in cold frigid Saskatchewan. Best to save my energy for coping. Would be easier if the weather was not so extreme – from melting to arctic temperatures overnight. But there’s nothing easy about this winter.

img_8897Okay, bitching over. I’m here on day 161 in my year of doing different. I’m inching forward each minute, each hour, each day. A drop in the bucket at a time will eventually fill it. Clearing one spot each day will create more space to do more. Changing one thing a day can create the domino effect.

I’m trying to be patient with my brush strokes. I gave my girl a different skintone – peaches and cream. Not liking it now but will let it sit. Not all changes are pleasing. Disappointment is not a bad thing. It leads to more changes. Tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a new day.