gremlins

FACING MY GREMLINS

IMG_2285It’s a beautiful sunny day – calm and cool, but not too cool.  I wish I was calm and cool but I am not. Those little gremlins are nibbling at my heels, disturbing my peace.  Sheba is making her little whining noises at the same time. Comfort me!  Feed me!  I rub her ears and tell her it’s a bit early.  I give in.  Otherwise, I would have no peace.

Perhaps today is not a good day to declutter.  But then, would there be such a day?  I’ve been waiting for years now.  It hasn’t shown up so I took a deep breath and started.

I’m a clutter bug, not a true blue hoarder.  But then, maybe I am or could easily become one.  I better get a move on!  I am not plunging head long into the dig and clearing of stuff. I don’t have the energy or presence of mind so I am treading softly and carefully doing the easy stuff.  I’m having a tough time parting with stuff, even the easy stuff.  I haven’t practice sorting and detaching at all.  It is really the ideas and memories they hold and not the things themselves.

The gremlins are getting more stimulated now.  I feel their agitation in my head.  I breathe in and out, seeing and feeling myself in the warm water of the swimming pool.  My arms rise and fall with each stroke.  I’m flipping my legs softly like a mermaid’s tail.  I can do it! I gather the dried roses from the basket, breaking off the blooms from the stem.  I will enjoy their colours for one more day.  Tomorrow they will be recycled back into earth.  No need to hang on and gather dust forever.  There’s more waiting in the wings.

It’s tough letting go of forever.  I’m feeling the gremlins and fear of letting go.  After all, it is the goal of this blog – to dig deep through the fear and letting it go.  Another deep breath and I’m down in the basement.  I have dug through the basket of laundered clothes, untouched in at least 3 years.  It feels as if a bogey man was hiding there, ready to pounce out at me.

IMG_6967No bogey man.  I found only myself, the one who forgot to take care of herself for awhile – and some clothes I didn’t put away.  They are in bags now, ready for donation to Value Village.  Is it melodramatic to say that it was TOUGH and I feel a bit shaky?  Well, it is and I am.  It’s definitely time for another cup of tea and maybe a chocolate chip cookie or two.

BAKING THE GREMLINS AWAY

For Reverb14Reverb BB

It’s December 18th, a week before Christmas.  It is a season of joy and sorrow.  Life has no time boundaries and neither has death.  You cannot have one without the other.  It happens when it happens.  I’m not behind and I’m not catching up.  I’m writing in this moment on these two prompts – 2 in 1.  What a bargain, heh?

Today’s prompt from Sophie Appleby aka Her Library Adventures.  Sophie writes:

 In the busyness of the everyday, taking time to nourish the soul doesn’t reach the top of the ‘to do’ list as often as it should.  What nourishes your soul? How would you like to incorporate more of this into your life in 2015? 

Day 15 prompt from Kat McNally:

I’ve learnt over the years that the only way to get anywhere in life is just to notice what other people are doing, hear the gremlins, feel the fear and do it anyway. It never gets any easier but to keep on doing it is the point.  What are you really proud that you made happen in 2014, despite the gremlins? And what will you do anyway in 2015

*********

The gremlins are having their go at me the last few days.  I feel them buzzing and biting at me with their little mouths.  I am ignoring them.  I’m not wasting energy swatting them off.  I am letting them be.  Long ago I have learned to let the shoe drop.  I am not Humpty Dumpty.  I will not fall and break.

It has been a week of dishwater coloured days. The mornings are black as night.  I am full of lethargy.  It is hard to get out of bed.  But I do it anyways.  I get up, dress up and show up, albeit slower and later.  That’s what I do to respect and nurture my body and spirit.  I listen to them instead of fighting and conquering.

IMG_0515I take special care at these vulnerable times.  I do not have to be Wonder Woman and do it all.  Let her rest awhile.  No one needs rescuing at the moment.  I don’t have to be the hero.  I don’t need to have it all.  I don’t even want it.  I am happy in the smallness of my life.  I am happy here, tap, tapping out my words to you, sipping my tea.  Sheba is nearby. Voices and laughter come from children playing outside.

Perhaps this is not a good time to be reading Jodi Picoult’s The Storyteller.  The story contains the horrors of the Holocaust but also about our humanity.  It’s appropriate for our present time and the horrors we are still seeing.  We can run but we can’t hide from the truth.  I need to bear witness and to acknowledge all that is happening.  It is paying honour to those who have died.  They matter.

imageI’m reading on into the book, into Sage’s story and how baking becomes her therapy.  It is also mine.  You might call me a born again baker for I didn’t know how to until a couple of years ago.  Now I’m happy when there’s flour flying in the kitchen.   How can you not rejoice when you see it rise?  It is so comforting to knead and punch down the dough. Take this! And this! My fist sinks into the soft mound.  Then I’m forming it into separate loaves, to rise again and be ready for the oven.

The house is filled with the aroma of bread baking. It is a smell of home, welcome and nourishment.  Come in and sit down.  Won’t you have a cup of tea and a slice of fresh baked bread?

This is what I do to chase the gremlins and other demons and gobblins away.  It also nourishes my soul.  It works so I will continue on into the new year.

WE CAN MAKE IT WORK

IMG_2101I am well into this month’s challenge.  Besides writing a post every day, I have incorporated  some healthy habits into this challenge.   It would make marking my progress and assessment easier and in writing.

I have been faithfully getting up, dressing up and showing up.  I have done my qigong exercises faithfully every morning.  Some mornings I am more focus and in the moment than others.  But I am always here, trying.  I always feel the better for it.  It opens up my channels to receive the world.  So why would I  neglect a good thing?  After awhile it is like brushing your teeth and washing your face when you get up in the morning.  It is a habit.   Ahhhh, it feels so good after!

Another challenge is to keep the floors reasonably clear of Sheba’s hair.  She sheds a lot and I haven’t been good at housekeeping for awhile.    Some days, it is light duty and when time and energy permits – a thorough vacuum.  It is a surprise to find the big vacuum is not really that big.  With practice and practice, I have been able to do it in a relatively short time and with ease.

These are simple challenges that I have success with.    I have been consistent and persistent or you can say, I have been neurotic about it.  They are good neurosis, wouldn’t you say?  But I have not been successful in other areas – the area of the heart IMG_0514and mind.  The gremlins are still rearing their ugly heads.  Though it is the holy time of Easter, the demons are still tearing at me.  They are not succeeding yet.  I have put up my shield and sending out hot and searing flames IMG_0512to thwart them.

All I need is consistency and persistence and lots of heart…and a good hearted Easter bunny, and maybe an Easter basket.  Well, the hot chocolate sort of helped.