REFLECTIONS AND MUSES

January 29, 2019

It is getting late. I wonder what I have to say on this cold day. It was said to be – 40 Celsius with the windchill this morning. Dressed appropriately, I didn’t feel the chill. There was no wind and the sun was out. It’s the kind of weather that I feel best in – cold, still and sunny. Who can ask for anything more? I’m a fool, I know. Sheba is right there with me. She didn’t hesitate stepping out. Our breaths steamed and our footsteps echoed in still chilled air. It is January after all.

I feel cocooned and mellow in this cold. No necessity for a glass of wine. A cup of hot water will do. We Chinese women like our cuppa. It is good to do a cleanse and be in silence and solitude once in awhile. I was in some anxiety and curiosity about how I will do. Now that it is upon me, it feels peaceful and comforting. A heaviness has shifted and a veil lifted. I have time and space for reflection. I like to get acquainted with this person who is me and what her life is worth. Who is she? What are her values? What and who makes her heart sing? Does anyone value her for herself? Worthy questions to reflect on. The cold slows everything down, making time for such ponderings. Maybe it’s why I like it. It gives me an excuse not to rush, not to accomplish, not to do anything. Even though I don’t have to answer to anyone, I still like an excuse.

Sometimes I feel too self absorbed. I like to be more worldly and more expansive and be out there in the world. I like to be a hero, a slayer of demons and dragons. I like to be a righter of all wrongs, a saviour of mankind and our planet earth. However, they are not who I am. I do not possess any of those qualities. This I know. What I do well is musing. I’m not quite sure what it gets me. Perhaps it is too late in the evening to delve into. It’s time to say good night.

HOLY SILENCE

I shed more of doing today to contemplate on what is holy within me. I survived without being connected and doing all the time. I tried just being with me today, observing what’s around me. It was not as difficult as I thought. It felt strange at times, especially in the morning. I like the quiet, the time before the world wakes. But it’s been a long time since I’ve just sat. I usually bury myself in a book. So on this day of purposedly entering into ‘holy silence’, I’m fidgety. How am I going to get there?

To settle myself, I did my morning qigong routine that I have abandoned in my busyness. Returning to the familiar movements eased my discomfort. In the flow came the memory of my trip to Halifax in 2002. I had experienced my holy silence on the campus of Mount St. Vincent University. I was looking up at the Motherhouse and the large cross on its top. I saw Jesus on the cross and I felt his warm arms around my shoulders. A silence fell around me but I could hear birds singing and the hum of a lawnmower in the distance. It was surreal.

Maybe it wasn’t what it was. It could have been just the stress of travelling on my own. It was strange how I ended up in Halifax and renting a car. I get lost alot, even at home. But I got to Mount St. Vincent without a hitch from the airport. Strange that I couldn’t figure out how to work the radio on my rented Kia. It took some effort to figure out the wipers, but under the duress of rain one night, I got lucky or a miracle. My week was driving in silence from Nova Scotia, across the Confederation Bridge into Prince Edward Island. It was a holy trip in holy silence. Only then, I had not been aware. Now I do. Hallelujah.

What did I do the rest of the day? I hung out, just being, sitting in my sanctuary on the deck, sipping tea. I watered the garden, making many trips filling the watering can with stored rainwater. I picked some beans and peas. I pulled some weeds. Then Sheba and I picked our raspberries. There was no hurry at all. I had no thoughts. I listened now and again to see if there was any incoming messages in the air. There was none. Only silence. Maybe they’re still on the way. I did realized while I was looking around that I have been living mostly in my head. I am in this physical world but I am not often of it – until today.

Today I let go of my usual ‘doingness’. I let go of the Internet and went into my Innernet to search what is holy within me.

COMMUNING ON THE MOUNT

I very seldom sit in silence unless I’m reading a book. So let me clarify and say I’m seldom unengaged. I’m always listening, reading or watching something. My head is full of stuff – noise, news, gossip, emotions. Yes, I have to say I process feelings up there, too. Feelings invade my whole body. Dissatisfaction and envy makes me feel bad all over. Have you experienced it? It’s difficult to explain. I don’t really like to talk about it except here, where I can just mutter and tap without interruption or judgement.

I like to think I’m just going through seasonal and daily moods. I like to think I’m like everyone else. It’s not bad to have dissatisfactions and envy. I’m just being human. And isn’t it good that I have outlets? I get to spit out all this garbage on the page. I’m not poisoning myself holding it in and no one has to listen. Then I move on.

It’s another day. I have moved on. It’s another glorious sunny afternoon. Sheba and I will have another saunter in the park. Maybe we will find a few dogs to romp with. It’s good by ourselves, too. I like the peace and quiet of yesterday. Not too many souls about. It was mostly us and God. I got to commune with him on the mount in the crispness of the winter, under the blue of the sky. I heard and felt his presence. I AM HERE. Do not be afraid.

I believe him. We have communed in another time, another place. He has led me out of the shadow into the light. I am thankful for this opportunity and time in the desert. I can lay aside my thoughts, doubts, and fears. I will dwell in the wisdom of silence and nonjudgement. I will listen to the knowledge laden air. I will be patient and hold my tongue. My kingdom lies in the silence.

MUSIC- HEART AND SOUL – AugustMoon Day 10

I love the power of music to lift the spirits. On another day, I would probably head to the stereo and put on K. D. Lang’s Hallelujah and let her voice carry me up, over, and beyond. Most likely I would put on Sachmo’s What a Wonderful World. His raspy voice is as beautiful and stirring as K.D.’s. I could very well sing, sway and dance along with Miss Carol Channing, Well hello Dolly, well hello Dolly…

However, today I am putting on the quiet, listening to the music of silence. I am listening to the colours of the rainbow around me. It is so strengthening for the heart and soothing to the soul. The whole orchestra is playing. Hear the joy.

THE MOON AND ME – AugustMoon Day 8

I sat outside and told my secrets to the moon. She listened with full attention, nodding and smiling. I talked and talked, not stopping for a breath. At long last I fell silent, empty of secrets. I realized then the moon had not said a word. Silence was her reply.

How wise she was! Had she any advice to give, would I have heeded? So burdened and distraught I was, I would not have or wanted to listen to another. I would have argued and argued. I would have fought.

Her silence allowed me room to vent, to air my secrets and dissipate the distress they brought with them. I felt spent but relieved. I looked up and smiled. The moon smiled back. I was looking at my own reflection – Sister Moon.

SILENCE, SPACE, SURRENDER

I am finding the truth about truisms. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Knowing that, I have no resolutions for the new year. No point in adding another failure onto the New Year’s Resolutions list. Instead, I am working through Suzannah Conway’s Unravelling the Year Ahead. I am trying some of her magic.

The last couple of days, I had been on working on the question of what was my favourite moment, day or occasion of 2014. It took some time before I knew the answer. I felt knowing what nourishes me was important. Other times, if I couldn’t find the answer at a snap of my fingers or the time to hit the ENTER key, I would have given up. I wonder how many of you are like me.

My favourite occasion in 2014 is the time we spent in Arizona. What I love about the desert is the silence, the sky and the open spaces where cacti and sage grew and the desert flowers bloomed.

In the arid barrenness, the thorns and messiness of every day life fell away. There was room to breathe. There was space to grow and expand. There was time. In the desert, I let go of what was not me. We were in a foreign land where God was the only one I knew. I surrendered, dropping my mask and defences – if only to myself.

I was free to wander through the landscape of the unknown and untried. I did not know I could cycle up and down the hilly streets of Lake Havasu and live to tell about it. I shifted gears, huffed and puffed, pedalling up the steep hills. I heard the air whistled in my ears as I coasted down the other side, hanging on to the handlebars for dear life. I felt petrified and exhilarated.

I baked bread in the desert, listened to the birds in the morning and swam in the afternoon. The sunsets were glorious and picture book perfect. The moon and stars looked down on me in the evening as I sat by the fire. Peace and silence echoed all around me. In the desert I surrendered and bloomed. At last I felt a sense of me.

LEST I BE MISUNDERSTOOD

Through this period of Lent I have been putting an effort to keep my own council. It is not an easy thing for I am a talker and I tend to speak my mind. Speaking my mind hasn’t really worked for me. It’s like ‘I fought the world and the world won’.

Somehow I’ve always felt I’m a rebel. I’ve had more than one person say to me: Lily, only you would say what other people would only think. That has always puzzled and shocked me for I do not think I am a rude person. I do not tell people they are ugly or they stink. I do not even tell them when they are rude.

Would you not say that they are guilty of what they are accusing me of? And isn’t it rude to say that to my face? Trying my best to understand people and all their ways haven’t really worked for me either. It has only hurt my head and heart. It has also made me an angry person at times.

So my dears, I’m trying new ways. It’s not for me to know you if you want to be a mystery. I have reached and reached out to you, doing my part. I only ask you to meet me halfway. My dears, when I talk to you, I only want you to acknowledge you heard me, even if you don’t like what I said.

My dears, do you think that silence doesn’t speak. Well, if it doesn’t, body language speaks volumes. So does actions. And it is a bit of a curse I can read both of them. Ignorance can be bliss.

In this time, I am making a friend of silence. Only in silence can I learn what is important to me. Only in silence can I hear myself. In silence I can value myself just for myself. In silence I cannot be misunderstood.

TIME IN THE DESERT

Time in the desert moves slowly but surely. Silence is all around me. I can hear the echo of my heartbeat. Peace is all around me. I gaze down at my own private Grand Canyon. How lucky am I in this place at this time.

The sun warms my face in the daytime. It lights up the world and I can see for miles around. At night, the moon is bright overhead. The stars twinkle merrily in the velvety dark. I can see the belt of the Orion. How expansive and rich is the universe!

I inhale and exhale. I am grateful in the desert.

SILENT IS THE NIGHT

So he is over there at the center of the earth, and I’m over here near Santa’s hideout. We are both in darkness in this moment. The sun will come up for him in one hour. The rooster will crow. And I will be heading to bed.

We talked on the phone earlier in the day. He could have been just as well be in Maidstone, Saskatchewan. The line was that clear except he couldn’t quite get in his truck and be here in two hours because there’s an ocean between us. So we talked and hung up. He went to swim in the ocean. I bundled up in my winter gear, Sheba in her fur, for our daily walk.

The house is silent. Sheba is still. I breathe. All is well.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

silence