MOTHERS, GIRLFRIENDS, THERAPISTS

Cruise DinnerThere’s reasons why I don’t make New Year’s resolutions any more.  I’ve felt the allure of new beginnings and a new year. It’s easy to be pumped with the spirits of the Christmas and end of year celebrations.  I feel I could conquer the world but experience has taught me a thing or two.

It’s easy to make resolutions, those promises to do better in the glow of the holiday season. But come the cold dark days of January, your resolve melts, exhaustion and sometimes depression take over.  You have to rally all your resources just to get out of bed on some days. What I don’t need is the pressure of those New Year’s Resolutions looming over me.

IMG_4400What I do is I still get up, dress up and show up for my life.  I try to do the best I can.  On cloudy days when I am filled with anxiety, I do slow laps in the warm water of the pool.  I concentrate on my breathing, blowing bubbles out my nose and mouth as slow as I can.  I keep my body in alignment.  I don’t try for 2 more laps when my legs are heavy like lead and I am sinking.  It’s okay to sit in the whirlpool and let the jets smash away my tight spots.

Brenda's Birthday 003On days like these, it’s helpful to have a therapist smash your tight spots that the whirlpool jets can’t get at.  Good friends are equally if not more beneficial.  They can reach those tight spots unreachable by jets or therapists.  There’s nothing like girlfriends except maybe your mother’s chicken soup to make you feel valued and loved.  Treasure your mother and girlfriends.  They will always be there for you if they can and even when they can’t.

SILENCE, SPACE, SURRENDER

I am finding the truth about truisms.  The more things change, the more they stay the same.  Knowing that, I have no resolutions for the new year.  No point in adding another failure onto the New Year’s Resolutions list.  Instead, I am working through Suzannah Conway’s Unravelling the Year Ahead.  I am trying some of her magic.

The last couple of days, I had been on working on the question of what was my favourite moment, day or occasion of 2014.  It took some time before I knew the answer.  I felt knowing what nourishes me was important.   Other times, if I couldn’t find the answer at a snap of my fingers or the time to hit the ENTER key, I would have given up.  I wonder how many of you are like me.

My favourite occasion in 2014 is the time we spent in Arizona.  What I love about the desert is the silence, the sky and the open spaces where cacti and sage grew and  the desert flowers bloomed.

In the arid barrenness, the thorns and messiness of every day life fell away.  There was room to breathe.  There was space to grow and expand.  There was time.  In the desert, I let go of what was not me.  We were in a foreign land where God was the only one I knew. I surrendered, dropping my mask and defences – if only to myself.

I was free to wander through the landscape of the unknown and untried.  I did not know I could cycle up and down the hilly streets of Lake Havasu and live to tell about it.  I shifted gears, huffed and puffed, pedalling up the steep hills.  I heard the air whistled in my ears as I coasted down the other side, hanging on to the handlebars for dear life.  I felt petrified and exhilarated.

I baked bread in the desert, listened to the birds in the morning and swam in the afternoon.  The sunsets were glorious and picture book perfect.  The moon and stars looked down on me in the evening as I sat by the fire.  Peace and silence echoed all around me.  In the desert I surrendered and bloomed.  At last I felt a sense of me.

 

THOSE FEELINGS OF PROCRASTINATION

I’ve finally made the call!  It does relieve those ugly feelings that accompany procrastination.  They don’t feel like butterflies but IMG_0706bricks in the stomach, weighing me down. It’s hard to unload them.  I do not understand the whys and wherefores of it but I do recognize the feelings of lassitude that encompasses me when I am putting things off.

Procrastination is one of those things like New Year’s resolutions that can’t be conquered or kept.  And like love, there ain’t no cure.  In my mind, it’s senseless to waste energy trying to understand and conquer.  It’s better to use my energy in a way that will get results.

I have to prioritize things that need doing.  Then I have to break it down into steps to accomplish the deed.

  •  My car’s tailgate is corroded and needs a paint job.  The recall letter from Honda came last April.
  • My car has already been in to the dealer.  Tailgate photographed.
  • It takes 4 days to do the job.  I need to phone to make an appointment.
  • Pick up phone to make appointment

It’s really pretty easy to pick up the phone and dial, and yet it was not.   I had to fight back those feelings of “I don’t want to’s” and an uncomfortable feeling of  unidentifiable origin.  I stretched and stretched and finally did it.

The appointed day is June 23rd.  It is marked in my calendar.  It is a small victory.  I might even read my book on procrastination.  I’ve had it long enough!