Seems like I’ve been on this trip forever and a day. I’m not ready to get off yet. Some things still work for me. The digging, self reflections – the archeology of my self is a worthwhile journey. At times I do feel a bit egotistical, being so obsessed and self absorbed. But at least I’m not alone in this. It is endorsed by others greater than I.

  • You cannot have a meaningful life without having self-reflection.” —Oprah Winfrey
  • ”One of the greatest tragedies in life is to lose your own sense of self and accept the version of you that is expected by everyone else.” —K.L. Toth
  •  ”It is always our own self that we find at the end of the journey. The sooner we face that self, the better.” – Ella Maillart
  •  ”Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” – Carl Jung
  • The journey into self-love and self-acceptance must begin with self-examination… until you take the journey of self-reflection, it is almost impossible to grow or learn in life.” – Iyanla Vanzant
  • ”Honest self-reflection opens your mind to reprogramming, change, success and freedom.” —Unknown

I shall continued on. Perhaps I need to change, to switch onto a different track. I could be more light spirited. I could change the tint of my glasses. Perhaps then I can speak in a different voice. It’s been pointed out to me that my self-blame and guilt could be the result of my lack of control of others’ actions. There’s a lot of truth in that – for myself at least. I’ve crossed that bridge. I’ve come out of the tunnel. I have the understanding now but feelings don’t vanish overnight. I will have to relive those feeling again and again, until I’ve crossed enough bridges and crawled out of many tunnels.

Life is a never ending journey of bridges and tunnels. I haven’t found the way to light heartedness yet. My world is a serious place but I am not full of misery either.


January 29, 2019

It is getting late. I wonder what I have to say on this cold day. It was said to be – 40 Celsius with the windchill this morning. Dressed appropriately, I didn’t feel the chill. There was no wind and the sun was out. It’s the kind of weather that I feel best in – cold, still and sunny. Who can ask for anything more? I’m a fool, I know. Sheba is right there with me. She didn’t hesitate stepping out. Our breaths steamed and our footsteps echoed in still chilled air. It is January after all.

I feel cocooned and mellow in this cold. No necessity for a glass of wine. A cup of hot water will do. We Chinese women like our cuppa. It is good to do a cleanse and be in silence and solitude once in awhile. I was in some anxiety and curiosity about how I will do. Now that it is upon me, it feels peaceful and comforting. A heaviness has shifted and a veil lifted. I have time and space for reflection. I like to get acquainted with this person who is me and what her life is worth. Who is she? What are her values? What and who makes her heart sing? Does anyone value her for herself? Worthy questions to reflect on. The cold slows everything down, making time for such ponderings. Maybe it’s why I like it. It gives me an excuse not to rush, not to accomplish, not to do anything. Even though I don’t have to answer to anyone, I still like an excuse.

Sometimes I feel too self absorbed. I like to be more worldly and more expansive and be out there in the world. I like to be a hero, a slayer of demons and dragons. I like to be a righter of all wrongs, a saviour of mankind and our planet earth. However, they are not who I am. I do not possess any of those qualities. This I know. What I do well is musing. I’m not quite sure what it gets me. Perhaps it is too late in the evening to delve into. It’s time to say good night.