CHALLENGED – Day 63 – 65 in a year of…

Day 63 – 65, September 25, 2016 @4:57 pm

Challenges are difficult amid fatigue and pain.  Sometimes I wonder if I’m lazy.  Am I using it as a excuse.  Other times, I wonder if I have fibromyalagia and/or chronic fatigue.  Or is it from my sinus anomoly? Does it matter what it is called or if it is diagnosed?  It is all the same symptons.  It adds up to feeling fatigued, pained and generally lousy.  I’ve had bouts of these since early adulthood.  I’ve survived and learned to cope.

It has improved. Maybe I’m living healthier.  I’m certainly getting more sleep and exercise.  I have a dog.  I do yoga, qigong and meditation off and on.  I guess everything counts.  Still, there are days when – I want to throw myself img_0896into bed with fatigue.  The pain is the gnawing kind through the whole body and I feel heavy as lead.  These are the tough days when it is hard even to think of walking the dog.  I’m thinking I’m making my life harder by having one.  What was I thinking?  And a Lab/Border Collie at that!

Well, I have a dog.  She demands to be walked every day.  I put a collar and leash on her and running shoes on me. Off we go, one foot in front of the other at a slow steady pace.  I don’t feel any more pain.  I don’t feel any less pain.  Another walk.  Another day.  It’s the same coming to this space except some days I haven’t shown up.  But I am here today, covering for 3 days.

img_2546I have to admit this challenge is harder than my 100 days of art.  The more difficult part is the analyzing of how my ‘different’ made a difference and finding the words.  Some days it takes more energy than I have.  So I have chosen to write when I can instead of giving up altogether.  I will chug along to day 365. That’s how life is lived – as best as we can to the end.



Day 44, Sept. 4, 2016 @7:19 pm

IMG_1628I haven’t changed my time of arrival here.  If anything, I’m arriving later rather than sooner.  I hope to have more words and paragraphs.  I’m hoping for more inspiration.

These days I am dogged by fatigue, sleepiness and pain.  This morning laying in bed, I wondered if I am suffering from fibromyalgia – that vague ailment that many suffer from. I have listened for many years to my mother’s own complaints of aches, pain and fatigue.  I wondered if that is what she has.  Once again I googled ‘fibromyalgia’.  I came to the same conclusions as before.  I don’t know anything more than I did before.  I am not willing to take to take a lot of drugs.  I am highly functional despite my discomfort.  It doesn’t matter what name you give the cluster of symptons so I will not spend a lot of time chasing doctors and IMG_7496diagnosis.

I moved on with life and my day, starting with my qi gong routine.  I breathed and moved, infusing my body with chi.  I put my mind into the gentle movements, knowing that it is not a one time fix.  It is a lifetime of healthy habits.  It need not be a big, big thing.  It is always these small steps we take for ourselves.  They can heal.  They can build muscles in the body and mind.

I did find my inspiration reading Caroline Myss’s August newsletter on inspiration and expectation.  What I got from it was that it is better to inspire or to be inspired than to expect.  Expectation has a sense of entitlement to it.  If we are good, we expect to be rewarded.  But the question is by whom?  This is the part from the newsletter that spoke to me:

“Expectations do not serve you or anyone else. It’s much better to be filled with inspiration than with expectations, as the latter usually disappoints you.

And remember, the idea that there is a right path or a wrong path is a child’s way of thinking. And it leads to the secondary belief that you should be rewarded for taking the right path. Or conversely, challenges that are just ordinary in life would be viewed as proof you made the wrong choice. The very template of right-wrong, good-bad is limited by its nature.

Instead, learn to recognize your motives for making your choices in life. When motivated by fear or money or insecurities, you’ll make choices of equal quality. And those choices will fit the quality of your motivation. It is not God offering or withholding rewards from you. You’re the one who has to live with the consequences of your choices. That, too, is part of the system of law and order in the universe. We are all subject to the consequences of our choices – such is the way of karma.

And so we reflect upon this wisdom: Know yourself, and you will know the Universe. Think of the power you have inside of yourself to determine the quality of your life experiences.”  – Caroline Myss