Do you get fed up sometimes? Today I feel at the maximum fed up level. February is l-o-n-g. I had set out at the start with such heart felt hope. This was suppose to be my feel good month. Not that anything is wrong or that I’ve been plagued with a truckload of disasters. None of that. I just feel such malaise even though the sky is blue and the sun is shining. I need another cup of decaf.

Perhaps it is because of my recent sinusitis of the past week and a half. Not that it was such a struggle. It was a tad tougher than my usual state for I am forever complaining a lack of energy, of joie de vivre. I’m fed up with being a wet blanket, a party pooper and being my worse enemy. It’s good to let it all out. This is my space, my confessional. It is where I come to cleanse my mind and soul.

It doesn’t help that my sleep is disturbed lately. I had nightmares a couple of nights back. I screamed and screamed in my sleep. I thought it was only in my dreams. I was stuck in an elevator with unsavory man. I was scared to death. In my dream, I had trouble getting my screams out. It wasn’t so in real life. I woke the guy and Sheba as well. Then last night, I had trouble getting to sleep. I got up and read awhile. Luckily that helped. I slept and dreamt as well. Lucky it was not a nightmare. I dreamt about little cupcakes. The cost was $15 for 15. I guess the cost is nightmarish. I wonder if it was those little unsavory Italian meatballs that triggered the dream.

It really helps to tap out my feelings, whatever they are. I was seeing the world through bleak eyes. I couldn’t see the point of anything. The world is gone to hell in a hand basket:

  • The war in Syria. Seeing the dead babies on the evening news.
  • The school shooting in Florida. Hearing a politician saying the teachers need to have guns when the students were crying for gun control

These are the two weighing heavily on top of all the others right now. What can be done to make the world and humans better? Being fed up is not the answer I know. Now the question is how do I get out of it? I bet Oprah would say, Live your best life. A good answer, I’m sure but it won’t do for me. It’s too generalized, too neat. I have to chip, tap and hack my way out bit by bit.

I’m a fan of Sue Grafton. You’ve probably deduced it by the title of this blog. Her detective series is just what I need on my not so buoyant days. Janet  Evanovich is in the same genre. I’m glad it’s women that help me get through the tough days. Their energy, humour and narrative story telling take me away from the moody blues into adventure and laughs. I have to love that.

So another day comes to an end. I’ve limped through it but I’m still standing. I’ve gotten up, dressed up and shown up. I had to work a little harder at it. It was my Olympic effort, not a Gold Medal but nothing wrong with a Bronze. My mantra was I can do this. I can do this. So it went. Now I have a few more trays seeded – 3 kinds of tomatoes and geraniums. The petunias and chili peppers have germinated. Things do look hopeful. The effort is worth it.

When I have a Sheba, I have to make an effort. She wears my moods so I had to show her that I was okay. Nothing to worry about. She is safe and cared for. She is her confident and happy self again.



About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.
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9 Responses to F IS FOR FED UP

  1. Des says:

    Although I wish you weren’t fed up today, that was a very nicely written post. February’s getting old. Hang in there, Lily ☺

  2. terry fishman says:

    Another great blog with lots of food for thought!!! And I mean literally! When you mentioned the Italian meatballs possibly causing your nightmares I was ready to flip out! I made homemade Italian meatballs (it’s on my live IG) and my husband loved them, me…not so much!! He suffers from REM sleep disorder and I have to live with his nightly nightmares which often results in his hitting out the bad guys in his sleep!!!! (Now have separate beds🤓) Will let you know if he gets increased nightmare tonight!!! I think I’ll push his bed all the way across the room, out the window😩😆😉

    • hafong says:

      How serendippity, Terry! I still have 1 1/2 box of those meatballs in the freezer. They’re from M&M. My sister gave me a bunch of their gift cards for xmas couple years ago so trying to use them up. I either just scream or call Help! with my nightmares. I thought they were silent as I have trouble getting them out in my dreams. Lucky for Rod and Sheba, I don’t have them every night. Does your husband have sleep apnea?


      • Terry says:

        No, Rapid Eye Movement Disorder. He’s been followed by a world reknown clinic here by Dr, Ron Postuma. 50% of people deveope Parkinson’s but so far he’s been in a study over 8 years and he’s fine, meds keep him quiet but not enough so we cope with it and I steer clear 😂👍🙏

      • hafong says:

        Interesting. I thought sleep apnea might cause
        REM. Wondering if I might have sleep apnea. I do snore – and loudly I’m told. 🙂 But I feel rested after a good sleep so maybe not.


  3. Jeanine Byers says:

    So many of us have felt that February has been a l o n g month, me included! For me, it’s because of winter blues, which I share about on my blog. Do you have it, too? Even if you don’t, those two tragic news stories are reasons enough all by themselves to get anyone down.

    I’m glad reading helps! I am a big ole bookworm, myself, but my choice is romance novels. I’ve read some by Janet E., too, when she wrote for the LoveSwept line. I agree with you that it is good to share, so I am glad you did here.

    Can I share a sinusitis tip? It may not work for you but used to help me tremendously. I’d get a paper towel, and add several drops of peppermint oil & several drops of eucalyptus oil and let them synergize in a ziploc bag for a bit. Then, I’d take it out, and hold it in front of my face, and breathe it in until I began to feel better and the runny nose/tingle situation began to abate. I’d do it several times a day until the symptoms were gone and it really helped.

    Hope you feel better soon in all ways! ❤

    • hafong says:

      Thank you, Jeanine, for your suggestions and your comment. I’m a moody person. I used to think I have SAD but I’m coping much better with my moods now. Writing helps alot in many ways.


      • Jeanine Byers says:

        I’m so glad writing helps, and that you are coping better. You know, I think writing helps me, too. I wasn’t sure I would like talking about winter blues, or my own experience of it, but I have, actually.

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