UNBECOMING MYSELF

Beginning anything is hard until I make a start. Do you find it so? Well, here I am. I’ve tapped out the first line, starting the second. Really it would be so easy to stay in my comfy loveseat and sink into Tami Hoag’s Cold, Cold Heart, a thriller. I’m captured after a few pages and so surprised to see it got lots of bad reviews. I have dropped Ali Smith’s Winter for now. It’s beginning is depressing as everything was dead! “God was dead: to begin with. And romance was dead. Chivalry was dead. Poetry, the novel, painting, they were all dead, and art was dead. Theatre and cinema were both dead. Literature was dead. ” I’m having trouble getting into it. I will persist a bit longer. It got alot of good reviews. Go figure!

My week got off to a good start this morning. I made it to my exercise class after a 2-week absence. I was relieved to learn that someone else had the same malady I did of extreme fatigue. Even though we had no cough, etc. it was a flu of some sort. I was feeling a bit of a fake, doubting my own physiology. Was I just depressed, wanting to avoid/escape things? Good to know I was not. So I didn’t push myself too hard. As long as I was moving my body, it was good enough. I have to remember that I am no spring chicken. Moderation in everything.

Winter is still under my skin. Two more days left in February. I’m trying to get past everything. But I am sick of listening to myself whine and whine. How can I stop? How can I unbecome myself? What don’t I like about myself? Those are hard questions to answer right now. Right now I am envious of everybody else. Seems like ‘they’ are much ‘better’ than me. I know, I’m seeing through wintry late-afternoon sunglasses. My outlook can change any time soon – maybe tomorrow. But in the meantime I can give some thoughts as to how I would like to see myself. What parts do I want to rid? What do I want to incorporate? How can I become undone? Where is Tinker Bell when I need a transformation?

About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.
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