I hate making decisions. It is perhaps one of my biggest time wasters. I fret over the smallest things like choosing from the menu. It takes away some of the pleasure of the dining occasion. Then there’s the decision of when and where and phoning people. Is it a good time? Would they like to hear from me? I guess it’s the fear of rejection. Even though I hate all of this deciding, I do reach the end point. I feel the obligation of doing my duty and also my best. Okay, this is what I’ve decided and I will do it. It does cost me alot of time and energy.
It’s a little shameful that I’m still struggling with this but at least I’ve said it out loud and in print. I should have done it sooner but it is the hardest, admitting this to myself. However, not voicing the problem prolongs it. It’s like the elephant in the room. It lurks in my being all the time, robbing me time, energy and ease. It is silly to agonize over every decision, wanting to make the best, perfect choice. I know now that there is no such thing as THE ONE right choice, decision, answer. I feel so much better. I’m not so weighed down with questions of:
Have I done the right thing?
Did I do enough?
Could I have done better?
Should I have chosen another restaurant/person/etc?
I am sure I will have days of indecision again but I will remember this working out of things. It will cut short the fretting and worrying and I can move on. I am pleased with my progress on this day 8 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.
Day 18 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am empty of ideas and words for the page. To tell the truth, I am weary of challenges and trying and plodding forth. In this space and time, I would like to give everything a rest, not to give any thought or effort. In other words, I want to vegetate. But I know it’s not something to strive for. I’ve been spending some time there already. It hasn’t good for my mind. It leads to laziness and not living my best life. I’ve been sleep walking through my days.
I feel sleepiness tugging at me as I sit here tapping away. I sit up taller in the chair, realigning my head and shoulders. It’s as if I’m preparing for meditation. I hear the children’s voices from the daycare two houses away. I can see them playing through the fence slats. The sun is out. It is a beautiful day. I am now awake and in the moment. I’ve been missing too many of such moments, immersed too much in my own thoughts. I have to let in more of the world around me.
I’m struggling to tap out words and thoughts, the things I said I don’t want to do. But the effort is worth the struggle because the goal of this month of April is to see clarity and make progress. Neither is possible languishing and not being home in myself. I see now that I have been absent, not taking responsibility, making excuses, trashing myself, blaming circumstances. I could go on forever. I can see and understand a little now what is meant by fear of success. The fear is also about living up to that if, indeed, I do succeed. It feels safer to be in failure. But I no longer want to dwell in that valley. I can survive a little fear.
It’s another Saturday morning, grey and misty. I am starting where I am. My desktop is cluttered with my cross stitching of Jesus. I have puddles of socks, slippers and Sheba’s toys at my feet. Yes, I am a messy disorganized lass. I’m working on it, ok? I’ve been tired and overwhelmed the last few days. I’m picking myself up, trying to dust myself off and start again where I left off. If I was to ‘fix’ everything before I start anything, I would still be in my mother’s womb. I’m doing the best I can. I’m obsessive, persistent and slow as a tortoise. We all know the story of the tortoise and the hare. We slowpokes can win.
I’m not winning today though. It’s difficult to get past go. I’m leaving the race for another day. It’s no point in fighting, going upstream. I haven’t lost ground but maintaining my stand. I am still starting each day with meditation. It’s good to begin with a clean slate/mind. Some days my slate is cleaner than others. I’m reading my books page by page in order, not skipping ahead. It requires a lot of discipline from me.
Patience is not my virtue but I am sitting with my discomforts, breathing in and out, watching my thoughts float by like clouds in the sky. Yes, I’m easily addicted, watching too many episodes of Longmire and Call the Midwife on my iMac. It is soothing for my aggitated mind but I’m not wasteful with my time. I am stitching Jesus while I’m watching, making good progress. Yes, I’m multi-tasking but it is relaxing. It does not make me fret. Finishing Jesus is one of my goals. I’m killing several birds with one stone, sorta speak.
So here I am, almost at the end of the day. I’m glad to be back in this space, tapping out this post word by word. I’m finding rhythm tapping on the keyboard. The exercise grounds me. Documenting my days, charting my progress enables me to see my way ahead as well as where I have erred in the past.
It is again a very, very grey day. The sun made no appearance. En route to our exercise class, the morning seemed so bright and clear before me. It felt rather strange. I felt very good. I thought, Wow! I’m feeling like I could work a 12 hour shift. That was just a feeling. I don’t want to but I felt quite capable. It must be my endorphins talking.
I’m into day 126 of my year of doing different. I’m thinking I must be into the heart of my journey. I’m feeling a bit DIFFERENT. I’m feeling I could see the tree through the forest. It is quite euphoric though fleeting. It is okay. I’m in a little clearing. I have navigated my way through the darkness. I’m not completely lost anymore. I will chip away at the dense undergrowth. I am sure there will be many more obstacles – rocks, roots, stumps, maybe even poison ivy and a monster or two. For now, I am happy and secure in my little Eden. I will enjoy and rest for the morrow.
The skies are grey this morning but at least the air is not as heavy. Funny how heavy the grey can sit on your shoulders, pressing you down. Funny how old feelings can come washing back over you and then you realize how important it is to be in the now of time and to live and create new feelings in the present moment.
I did my qigong routine from memory, all the 18 movements. Practice did make perfect in this incident. I breathed in and out, visualizing the sunrise, feeling the calm and the beginning of a new day…pushing out the chaos of my mind. And the sun came, uncertainly at first, darting in and out of the clouds. I raised my arms, embracing heavenly chi. It formed a protective shield around me. And I knew that all is copacetic.
Breakfast is done. The dishes put away. The day and life begins again, however where or how I am. I do not want to wait for all my ducks to be in a row. That day may never come or if it does, it will not stay. I have time and I am not behind but I do not choose to wait. There is no pleasure in the contemplation of perfection but it is satisfying to move, to do and make progress, even if it is only an inch.
I am pretending I am the new FlyLady, buzzing around with my purple duster, putting things in order, not obsessing, just doing. I am surprised to feel joy in the doing, in the folding, in the putting away…..There is comfort in the cleaning and drying, in the smoothing and folding and putting things away. It is almost like finding the heart in myself again.
I think I have had too many glasses of wine. I am not feeling myself on this 43rd day into Lent. I am feeling rather angry, ticked off.
Making progress in becoming enlightened is a hard task. I am no Buddha but I do try hard. I have no Bodhi tree to sit under. But I do have a snow pile to clear. I am learning to use my bad energy to do good things. Today I have cleared a wide path all the way in front of the house. Now, there’s less worry about melting snow doing damage to the foundation.
I have not lost any of my excess weight yet, though I have stepped on the scale a few times. Getting slimmer is not easy or simple. I am walking Sheba twice a day. I am not really thrilled about it, but I do it anyways. As soon as we start out, I want to come back and hit the couch already. I talk myself into one block, then another block, and another. I have to train myself into liking something. I have to train myself into good habits.
I threw out my drawer full of old ugly, utilitarian bras today….finally. Funny how that is. Even though I’ve brought 4 nice new ones and 6 really pretty vibrant camisoles, it was still difficult to toss those ugly old bras. Attachment? What was I attached to – things of no use and no longer desirable. So what other undesirables are still lurking in my drawers and closet? What yukkies are hidden in my head?
Well, it is getting late. I am scare of the dark. I am scare of my shadow. Best wait for sunlight before digging further. I might have to stick with digging snow for awhile till I am stronger. And I will – get stronger. I trust the God in me.
So the bread is in the oven. I have these thirty minutes to reflect on my progress in changing habits. How am I going?
I would say I am doing fabulously! Having been in denial for years, buried under useless thoughts and musings, I have come up for air and light. After reciting Dr. Phil’s phrase that the greatest insanity of all is to expect a different outcome from doing the same thing, I am changing.
I have had a few almost perfect days. You might say that I have all my ducks in a row, even if it is only two of them. I’ve been moving and grooving, cleaning and tidying at high speed, not obsessing, not thinking, just doing. I’m not even stopping to smell the coffee!
I pick up. I put away. I wash. I fold. I iron. I do…at a steady clip. I save my dawdling for later. I listen. I look. I try not to talk so much. I breathe. When things don’t work out, I let it go. And when that fails, I let it be. I do the best I can.