Life goes on no matter what happens to me. Nothing stops. The planet turns. People go to work. The buses, trains and planes are arriving and departing. Someone once said to me that men are like buses. If you miss one, you can always catch the next. We have one life. We can’t have another – unless you believe in reincarnation. Even then, it is not a sure thing. I rather bet on a sure thing, this one precious life. I want to live it the best I can.
We are one collective breath, breathing in or out of rhythm. I rather be in tune with the earth and cosmos. I’ve been out of synch too long. I’ve had a few aha! moments. I’ve said I would do better. I do and then I forget – again. I’m saying it again now. I don’t know what number this is, but it is the truth of life. That’s why they say it is a learning experience. I shan’t beat myself about another failure. I shall stay aware and do my best until I forget again. I’ve always come back and try again. I am a success story.
So here’s the thing, the stories we tell about ourselves. I’ve had to learn to tell different stories. The old ones weren’t working. They bought me down into a dark abyss. The walls were too slippery for me to climb out of. I don’t want to stay there. I started to call myself the little train that could. I toot my whistle. I switch onto a different track. I want to get to a different place.
So here I sit, still tapping about trains, buses and planes. I’m brainstorming and dreaming of new possibilities. I try not to overthink everything but just be in this moment. I try not to do anything and everything. It’s all right to be still and silent. I listen to the sound of one hand clapping and look at that hole in the donut. I will relax, breathe and contemplate on my navel. I will put one foot in front of the other till the end.
So far, so good. Day 8 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. My ultimate goal of blogging is to work out my problems. I’m brainstorming for ideas and solutions. I’m talking out loud through the keyboard. I like the tap, tap of the keys. I like the rhythm. I like flexing my finger muscles. If I’m in flow, they’re like the pistons of a well-oiled engine. I feel the magic then. My fingers are flying across the keyboard. The letters, words and sentences march across the screen. And I’m in heaven, dancing cheek to cheek with Fred Astaire.
Yes, I’m in pretty good form today. I’m experiencing some success, developing some good habits. They’re setting in. I look forward to my meditation each morning. The 20 minutes goes fast. They leave me feeling refreshed even on days when my mind wanders and gads about. That’s the practice. When we wander or err, to come back, to try and try again. It is not about being perfect. If I was, then there would be no need for anything. I can’t quite imagine that. Striving is necessary for an interesting and meanful life.
But it is nice to have a bit of heaven, when everything is running smooth. I can coast a little bit. I’ve been picking up after myself and not dropping things as they are. I’m following up and following through. It only takes minutes sometimes. It saves so much stressing and hair pulling. This morning I saw that the repeat on my medication prescriptions expires on the 19th of this month. I still have a fair amount of time but I called the pharmacy to have them renewed. Then it is out of the way. I’m apt to forget which happens regularly. It’s this kind of little things that can make life easier.
This winter never will never end. It snowed again this morning. I see fine flakes floating around. I wonder if spring will come this year. The snow, the melt, the ice and water is wearing me down. They are all the things that I have no control. I better buckle up, give my buttercup self and pep talk and march on.
I’m marching one letter, then another across this page. I’m stringing them into words, sentences and thoughts. It gives me comfort to bend and tap my fingers on the keyboard. I am being proactive. I’m brainstorming and problem solving. I am not sitting inert in my gloom and misery. I am not stuck in myself. I’m sitting in my therapy chair, the therapist and patient, all in one. It’s very cost and otherwise effective. I don’t have very far to go and I’m not boring some stranger with my whining.
Since I have no one to impress but myself, I tend to stay with the facts. It cuts down the feeling sorry for myself blues. I have been paying attention to my conversations with other people. I find no satisfaction in reiterating past events and past wrongs. Rather, the opposite happens. It leaves me feeling worse. The best course of action for me is to leave it here on the page. I can censor, edit, add and delete here. In the physical world, once the cat is out of the bag, you can’t get it back in. Sometimes I would suffer the claw wounds if that was possible. It isn’t – POSSIBLE.
I’m just back from my afternoon walk with Sheba. Had thoughts of skipping today as it looked HARD with more wet snow. I had a talk with myself and buckled up my resolve. Don’t think. Put the leash on Sheba, shoes on me and GO. It worked and was easier than yesterday. Another difficult task done. I find so many things difficult. I am such a whiner. I whine but I do them. I almost said, let’s go out for lunch, too. The thought of bringing out and banging the pans around felt HARD. I was groaning inside. But once I started chopping the onions, the rest was history. The secret of any success is the START. It really isn’t such a secret but it feels good to claim the discovery of it.
I’m bummed out. My parents’ insurance claim for hail damage on their house came through. I thought I would act quickly and not procrastinate. I called the roofers I’ve been using and got a message. “We are retired. Please call__ Roofers. Their men will be able to help you.” I was counting on the retired folks, a family business, so reliable,accountable, honest and easy to deal with. A company I totally feel comfortable with and trusted. Someone had recommended them and I’ve used them a few times. A good reputation is such a valuable asset. But bummers! I guess they deserve their retirement. And I do call their recommendation. I get another message. “We are busy. Please leave a message.” I left one.
Not to be discouraged, I called another name. I got this message, “Due to the high volume of phone calls, please use text message or email to get hold of me.” I emailed. I will now wait . Life is difficult. Always wait, wait and wait. I should have looked for roofers while I was waiting for the insurance claim. But it is useless and stupid to ‘should have’ after the fact. If only we could back ourselves up like a VCR. But we can’t. I’ll just have some blueberry pie in the meantime.
In case you’re wondering what is the point of this post, there isn’t one. I’m just tap, tapping, releasing my angst. I rather think of it as brainstorming. I’m not harbouring all my frustrations. I’m opening myself up for ideas and solutions. It sounds good anyways. Sometimes it works. Julia Cameron talks about it in her Morning Pages. I type my pages and in the afternoon. I hope it will set me free. Maybe someone will call me back. Maybe…maybe.