Discipline is what I don’t have. I’m disappointed with myself. Even after all this time, being aware of it, I still fall off the wagon. I succumb to what comes easiest – vegetating. I fool myself by being busy. So how can I be busy and vegetate at the same time? By definition, vegetate means: live or spend a period of time in a dull, inactive, unchallenging way. 

This is probably not a good time to talk about meaningful living. I feel dull as a mollusk in its shell though I have been in a flurry of activities moments ago. I shamed myself into sweeping the floors of Sheba’s hair and clearing my ever-cluttered dining table. I wiped it and put on a table cloth. Let’s see how long it will stay cleared. Oh yes, I lured Sheba out to the deck with a chew to brush out her shedding hair. Sometimes I wish she had alopecia.

Here I am, showing up again two days in a row. I’m trying to sprout my discipline backbone again. I’m sipping a decaf, trying to tap out my therapy session, urging myself forward. It’s still morning, a little before noon. I can feel my eyeballs wanting to roll to the back of my head. They want to close. I won’t let them. It’s really a mystery, a fascinating one the way my body and chemistry work. I will pay close attention and see if I can outwit it. Didn’t they say that I am the captain of my ship?

So far, so good. My coffee is done. I am going to see if I can do some magic on my desk now. I’ll try to let you know tomorrow if I can trick myself.

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