I’m trying to make counting my blessings a daily habit. It’s been a nice day. I had friends over for brunch this morning. So that’s gratitude number 1), that I do have friends, not many but they are very good friends. Gratitude 2) That we can always have a good time together. We don’t worry much about the state of our house or whether what we serve is good enough. Gratitude 3) Even though I don’t worry too much about what I offer, I am still grateful my very first quiche turned out well and my left over Jamie Oliver pumpkin, chickpea and coconut curry from Thanksgiving was delicious as a soup. It wasn’t supposed to be soup but you know how these things can happen. I love the golden orange colour of these 2 dishes. So nourishing and warming on a cool October morning.
I do believe that we can decide how we feel and therefore direct the course of our daily life. First we have to know what it is that we want and how we want to feel. Then we have to figure out the steps to achieve it. Having done that, we must do the action. Sometimes I can do the first two and then fail on the action. It is easy to stumble and get discouraged. It is easy to hesitate, procrastinate and not start at all. I’ve been there and have done all that. It is not easy to see and understand that it is the first and last steps are the hardest. I see and understand that now. It’s a good reason for me to put in a good effort and push towards the finish line of this Ultimate Blog Challenge. I like to finish what I have started.
I’m struggling with the clouds and my own darkness today. Nobody is winning. We’re even-steven. I’m trying to stay on top of the day, not letting ‘nature’ get the best of me. I’m feeling autumn’s effects on me though it doesn’t officially start till September 23.
As you can see, my time here was short here yesterday.
Saturday, my swim day but my swim cap had ripped last week and I haven’t bought another. My brain fog continues. The other day, I thought I had fed Sheba her supper but according to the way she was after me, I hadn’t. She did settled down after. Small forgetfulness. No harm done. Just annoyed with myself. Still I’m happy and yet not happy I didn’t swim today. I’m feeling the hibernation response this week. If I was a bear, I could crawl into my log and sleep without guilt.
But I am not a bear, so I am trying my best to stay awake. I’m sleepy though I got my 8 hours last night. Perhaps tapping on the keyboard will help. So many things are looking at me for attention. They weigh on me, making me all the more sleepy. I wish I could just close my eyes and snore away the day. Why must I feel I have to soldier on? I put so many silly obligations on my shoulders. I suppose it’s my upbringing and all those slogans slung in my face through the years.
Slogans have served me well through difficult times though I’m critical of them now. I’m just going through a phase. Let me just keep soldiering on with the help of wisdom from some very wise people.
“We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope.”– Martin Luther King
A problem is a chance for you to do your best.”–Duke Ellington
“When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.”—Franklin D. Roosevelt
f you are going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill
“I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship.” – Louisa May Alcott
“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.” – Lao Tzu
“It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.”– Albert Einstein
So I’ve soldiered on well into the day and life. Looking back on it all, I’m happy and satisfied with how they both have gone. I wouldn’t change anything since I can’t. Library and coffee days with my mother are precious. I am grateful that our library carries Chinese books. My mother loves books. The best conversations I have are with my mother. She is the wisest woman that I know. I love what she has to say of letting go of feelings, people and things. That if we don’t, we make ourselves miserable and guilty even though the guilt is not ours to own. I’m going to work on that one. I’m mulling it over as I sip my green tea. I’m calling it a day.
No matter how I feel, I get up, dress up and show up has been my mantra for a couple of years now. Getting up and dressing up are not difficult any more. However, showing up is. The more I don’t make a showing, the harder it is to do so. Blue skies are here again but my blues haven’t quite lifted. Maybe they never will completely. Maybe I should not obsesse about my moods so much. I should live and let live.
Easier said than done. Everything takes a huge amount of effort and energy. At least I find it so. Each night I go to bed thinking of all the things I want to do the next day. With each morning, I fall into ‘after my cup of tea, breakfast, read this and that’. Then I will begin. Before I know it, it is almost lunch time and I have to bring out the pots and pans. I go on the same merry-go-round – again. Does this sound familiar?
I’m living Bill Murray’s Groundhog Day. I am ashamed of myself. I am not living up to my expectations and certainly not my potential. But at least I am showing up here today. I am trying. I’ve gotten over my bluer than blue mood. I am not so overwhelmed with grief for our burning planet. I am just being with the awareness, accepting and going forward with my best foot forward.
I try to count my blessings. I am taking an inventory of our garden and harvest. Considering the extremes and weirdness of our summer, we’ve done well. Even with the heat and lack of rain the garden have given me 11 spaghetti and 10 butternut squashes and tons of Swedish beans. Isn’t that amazing? Considering I had a summer cold for a month, I was able to put in a full garden. True not everything did as well as the squashes and beans. But there was lettuce and spinach for salads. We had broccoli for a few meals, and enough snow peas for stir fries. Enough kohlrabi to make up for not so many tomatoes. Then there’s the chili peppers and……..
I’m rambling on and on. The sentences running into each other. The grammar something else. The words might not be making sense. I better call it quits. Till tomorrow then.