I’m trying to make counting my blessings a daily habit. It’s been a nice day. I had friends over for brunch this morning. So that’s gratitude number 1), that I do have friends, not many but they are very good friends. Gratitude 2) That we can always have a good time together. We don’t worry much about the state of our house or whether what we serve is good enough. Gratitude 3) Even though I don’t worry too much about what I offer, I am still grateful my very first quiche turned out well and my left over Jamie Oliver pumpkin, chickpea and coconut curry from Thanksgiving was delicious as a soup. It wasn’t supposed to be soup but you know how these things can happen. I love the golden orange colour of these 2 dishes. So nourishing and warming on a cool October morning.
I do believe that we can decide how we feel and therefore direct the course of our daily life. First we have to know what it is that we want and how we want to feel. Then we have to figure out the steps to achieve it. Having done that, we must do the action. Sometimes I can do the first two and then fail on the action. It is easy to stumble and get discouraged. It is easy to hesitate, procrastinate and not start at all. I’ve been there and have done all that. It is not easy to see and understand that it is the first and last steps are the hardest. I see and understand that now. It’s a good reason for me to put in a good effort and push towards the finish line of this Ultimate Blog Challenge. I like to finish what I have started.
I have wasted a bunch of time scrolling through this and that in search of products and answers. I was caught up in the number of choices that we have at our fingertips. It is a burden rather than a freedom. Now I’m left with a bunch of information running amuck in my head. They’re like gerbils on treadmills in their cages. I’m much like them, a slave to my human nature.
At least it is still morning. The sun is shining. I’ve dug out a jar of soup from the freezer. It’s defrosting in a pot of hot water. I will tap out a few more sentences and leave my frenzied thoughts on the page. There’s the routine of vacuuming and dusting to do. It settles and grounds me for the day. Having a clean floor without all Sheba’s hair makes me feel so much better. It’s as if I am clearing the debris and cobwebs in my head.
I’ve been tackling the dust in one room/day. Amazing how much there is when I pay attention. Amazing how clean the air is when I do. There has been much that I’ve avoided to do. It’s as if I am afraid to move/change anything. I worry that things would never be the same again. These feelings have been beneath my consciousness though they do weigh on me. I now know the meaning of ‘There’s an elephant in the room.” I really do have lots of elephants in my living room. They sit heavy on my mind. I clear my mind and air every time I dust them now. I try to let go of the fear of change. It’s what I need – change for the better.
I’m just having a cuppa before taking the fur baby out for her walk. I treated myself with toast and jam. Yup, it’s the comfort rather than the hunger thing. I’m feeling the weight of being a child of immigrants. It makes me feel like my parents’ keepers, they being poor speakers of English and understanding less. Things tend to fall on me, the eldest child, not that I’m a child anymore. My shoulders are not wide nor strong but I manage most of the time. Sometimes I need the toast and jam to give me a little extra support.
I’m not complaining, just saying. I’m faring well, having dusted my computer screens and desktop. I can see what I’m tapping now. I’ve been out and about mailing letters, returning library books and to London Drugs. I dropped off dead batteries, bought a memory stick and Nellie’s Dishwasher powder. I was impressed with Nellie’s laundry soda. No scent, eco-friendly and effective. I am passionate about doing what I can to save our planet. It’s nice to know that I still care about something.
It happens. I’ve had a couple of not so good sleep nights. I suffer for it. I really do. I notice it all the more now that I’m a recovered sleeping person. But like all recovered/recovering people, I fall off the wagon occasionally. The good thing is that I haven’t resorted to all my previous coping methods or behaviour – much. I haven’t fallen back into the teapot, staying with my 2 cuppa day limit. I was tempted. You know that feeling, groping towards comfort drinks and food. I was tempted to head out to A&W for that promise of an awesome breakfast yesterday. 2 eggs, 3 strips of bacon, 2 slices of toast, a hash brown and a small coffee for only $4.99!
As luck would have it, that coupon had expired the previous day. To do myself proud I had already nixed the idea before I realized that. I have worked hard all winter learning how to break the habit of myself. Apparently Dr. Joe Dispenza knows his stuff. His method is working for me. For sure I am struggling a bit alot. It shows that I’m not caving into my previous habitual self. No pain, no gain as they say. I’m accepting my flaws. I’m embracing my humanity.
I must admit that I have a bit of the blues, not the curled-up-in-a-ball, down and out kind of depression. I’ve never had that kind. I’ve always struggled up. I’m an irksome, annoying kind of Chinese chick. I keep getting up and wanting to improve on things. I think I’m good enough now. I’m working on things. Finally most of university and nursing textbooks are recycled. I’ve kept the one for my class on the Philosophy of Religion. The class and the professor were privotal in my young life. He could see that I was troubled and floundering. He cancelled a scheduled class to spend the hour with me.
“The class today is cancelled. Miss Leung, may I see you in my office?” He announced. I can still hear the shuffle of feet and gathering of books as my classmates rose from their desk. They cast glances at me on their way out. I wonder what she did, their expressions queried. I followed my professor to his office. The memory is more precious to me now than at the time. It is only in the present I recognized how valuable that hour was. I’m not feeling at all insignificant but valued. Even though my mentor, Caroline Myss says nobody is special, I’m feeling special.
It’s a cool day. It’s almost 2 pm and only 11 degrees Celsius. I’m not feeling overly ambitious but I’m still piddling steadily along. Like the FlyLady says, I’m not behind. I’m starting where I am. Though I didn’t feel like it, I’ve put all my bedding plants out again on the deck. They’ll toughen up and get sturdier for their permanent transplant in the beds later. I’ve cleared off another small area in the basement, organized my sewing stuff, collapsed and folded up the table. I’m finishing my thoughts here and taking the last sips of my Rooibos tea. Yup, going herbal and organic. Now to tend to the lunch dishes.