I’m struggling with the clouds and my own darkness today. Nobody is winning. We’re even-steven. I’m trying to stay on top of the day, not letting ‘nature’ get the best of me. I’m feeling autumn’s effects on me though it doesn’t officially start till September 23.
As you can see, my time here was short here yesterday.
Saturday, my swim day but my swim cap had ripped last week and I haven’t bought another. My brain fog continues. The other day, I thought I had fed Sheba her supper but according to the way she was after me, I hadn’t. She did settled down after. Small forgetfulness. No harm done. Just annoyed with myself. Still I’m happy and yet not happy I didn’t swim today. I’m feeling the hibernation response this week. If I was a bear, I could crawl into my log and sleep without guilt.
But I am not a bear, so I am trying my best to stay awake. I’m sleepy though I got my 8 hours last night. Perhaps tapping on the keyboard will help. So many things are looking at me for attention. They weigh on me, making me all the more sleepy. I wish I could just close my eyes and snore away the day. Why must I feel I have to soldier on? I put so many silly obligations on my shoulders. I suppose it’s my upbringing and all those slogans slung in my face through the years.
Slogans have served me well through difficult times though I’m critical of them now. I’m just going through a phase. Let me just keep soldiering on with the help of wisdom from some very wise people.
“We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope.”– Martin Luther King
A problem is a chance for you to do your best.”–Duke Ellington
“When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.”—Franklin D. Roosevelt
f you are going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill
“I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship.” – Louisa May Alcott
“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.” – Lao Tzu
“It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.”– Albert Einstein
So I’ve soldiered on well into the day and life. Looking back on it all, I’m happy and satisfied with how they both have gone. I wouldn’t change anything since I can’t. Library and coffee days with my mother are precious. I am grateful that our library carries Chinese books. My mother loves books. The best conversations I have are with my mother. She is the wisest woman that I know. I love what she has to say of letting go of feelings, people and things. That if we don’t, we make ourselves miserable and guilty even though the guilt is not ours to own. I’m going to work on that one. I’m mulling it over as I sip my green tea. I’m calling it a day.
It’s getting late in the day. I haven’t put down any thoughts or words on this 5th day of April. I was flipping through one my many journals this morning. I found these two undated sentences.
“Even if you are justified, you must remain dignified. Failure is a rebirth to change.”
It seems that I’m always troubled, have always struggled and searched for a better way of being. There mustn’t have been a time when life was carefree. Surprisingly enough, I am experiencing a rare peaceful moment now. Ever since I have been working, my goal was Freedom Fifty-five, a slogan I picked up from London Life, my insurer at the time.
It is late again on this 6th day of May. Another failure. I didn’t quite finished my thoughts and words yesterday. It shows I’m more relaxed, not having the need to do everything, be everything. I’ve obtained another freedom – the need to be perfect. I don’t have to succeed in everything I do. Sometimes failure is the best thing. It can be a rebirth to change, to try different ways and different things. I did succeed getting to the pool this morning though. I swam my 10 laps. I’ve lost my lone ownership to it. I had to share it with 5 other people. I’ve had it all winter. I can share. The water is not quite as smooth and peaceful but I’m happy to have the company.
There’s smoke in the air again. More forests burning. Is it here in Saskatchewan or is the smoke from British Coloumbia? I check and there are currently 34 active fires in our province. I bet the smoke is our own. Seems like the world is burning up, drowning or we are slaughtering each other as is what is happening in Myanmar. It is out of our hands when it is nature’s work like hurrican Harvey and Irma. All we can do is prepare the best we can. But killing is a wilful act as is the tossing of a firecracker into the Colombia River Gorge, setting off more fires in an already fire danger zone.
It is difficult not to feel despair in these times. It’s hard to understand ourselves – why we do the things we do. So I shall not batter my head on figuring out and understanding. I’m trying to accept what is and still try to do my best. I am still keen on seeking excellence in living. It gives me purpose, a goal to pursue.
I admit that I have had a few days when I was a bit blue and quite crossed. I was not at all right with the world – even this morning. But I went through the motions of how I should live. I got up, dressed up and showed up. I didn’t have a lot of fun in my aerobics class. But I did all the movements anyways. I still sweated. All through the class, I thought to myself, “I’ll have fun later.” Because by the end of class my endorphins would have kicked in. I would be singing along with Tim McGraw: I like it, I love it, I want some more of it. I really do love the song. It’s got a good honky tonk rhythm. I got more serious with my steps.
That’s the thing. You have to develope some good habits and slogans to get you through the rough times. I remembered what a Japanese friend said when she couldn’t understand a joke because of the peculiarity of our English language. She said, I’ll laugh later. It works for me in I’ll have fun later.