sleepiness

SOMETHINGS TO BE GRATEFUL FOR

I mumble mostly about the mundanes of my extraordinary ordinary life. I’m starting to feel I’m a very boring person with a boring life. I’m repeating the same stories over and over. I’m not doodling the same old, same old YET while I’m telling the stories. I’m thinking of an orderly I used to work with who did that. He got dementia after he retired. I’ve been retired for five years now.

I’m happy about the retirement part. Thank God that I don’t have to get up at the crack of dawn. Thank God that I don’t have to work a 12 hour night. Thank God that I don’t have to save lives anymore. I sound callous, don’t I? Maybe I am in this moment. It’s a very cloudy September day. And now it is really snowing. I feel ever so sleepy and zapped of energy. I want to close my eyes, sit or lay down every minute of today. I’m remembering having to work for a living whilst feeling thus.

I’m feeling grateful that I don’t have to put on a front anymore. I’m feeling grateful that I don’t have to put my best foot forward or outward. I can stay home and let everything hang out. BUT I’ve roused myself out of sleepiness and have made a run at the lunch dishes. And DONE. Sometimes I like a vacation from myself. I sound pathetic, don’t I? Though my motto is to leave some hope and possible solutions on the page, I don’t always succeed.

But let me think and try to fulfill that part of my mission. I’m not feeling and performing my best but I know that could be a part of my SAD. Feelings are not always indictive of truths. I could be grasping for excuses but I am feeling and doing much better underneath all this crap. I am not feeling weighed down with things left undone. I’ve been tending to everyday life. There’s bravery in shouldering and resolving those icky, boring facts of life.

Alas, I’m getting sleepy again. I must get up and stretch a little. My brain is not functioning on all cylinders. I have been idling too long. I must move on to another task.

 

 

THIS DAY

I was sleepy as soon as I woke up this morning. I was hungry right after breakfast. I think my body is getting ready for winter. If I was a bear, I would look for a hollow log to sleep in. Since I’m not, I have to find ways of functioning while sleeping on my feet. I could be a one woman band and call myself The Sleepy Head.

How did I do today? I tried not to sit too long at any one time. It is torture to get up again then. I did the hard stuff first – in the morning. After everything is said and done, the hard stuff was not so tough. I made 3 quarts of tomato sauce. The thing to do is not think. Just do, one step after another until fait accompli. Then I wonder: What was the hard all about? The sauce is in the freezer and everything cleaned and put away.

It is good for me to keep up with my routine, to keep up with tapping on the keyboard, painting my little index cards and walking Sheba. They help me stay on track, keep my eyes open and my spirits up. Aside from drowsiness, wanting to curl up on the couch with my quilt and closing my eyes, I feel fine. It helps to have sunny days. Even so, I struggled to keep going. I would have rather sat on the deck and study my toes than walk Sheba. But no matter what, I always rise to the occasion. I had to push not to cut our walk short. Just one more block was how I egged myself on. It was a lovely afternoon as we trudged leisurely among autumn’s golden glory.

So don’t think. Put one foot in front of the other. It’s a good motto. It works. I will use whatever works. Measurable results are what matters. I have 3 jars of tomato sauce in the freezer. I’ve painted, walked Sheba and my dining table is still clear or will be in a minute. What more can I ask for this day? It is enough.

 

PULLING UP MY BOOTSTRAPS

September 1st. A new month, a new season, a new beginning. There’s hope in the word. Beginnings hold so much promise. Let me not foil it.  Let me be renewed and have a spark at least. I’ve been experiencing sleepiness these last few weeks even though I’m getting 8-9 hours of zzzs. Thank goodness that my dark mood and thoughts have passed. Otherwise, what would I do with myself? I guess I could sleep it off. Laughing not quite out loud.

Are you affected by the weather and changing seasons? I like to think I am. I hate to think that I am making excuses for myself. I hate to think that this is the real me. In my younger days I blame PMS. Well, who wants to own up to the not so attractive attributes? If I can’t shuffle them or laugh them off, can I sweep them under the carpet? Huh, can I?

 

I haven’t experienced SAD this early before. But then it’s been a stormy summer weather wise. So much fluctuation in one season. It’s still officially summer. Autumn doesn’t start till September 22. It’s not a new season yet. I have an excuse for not pulling up my bootstraps yet. Hooray!

Besides my sleepiness, I’m more forgetful, too. Needless to say, my energy sags. My inspirations have evaporated. I’ve lost ambitions for painting, writing, etc. I yearn for sleep. But I am paying heed – to keep abreast of my bills, to double check what writing I do. Sometimes I’m thinking of one thing and my fingers tap out another. When I read it back, I’m thinking: What am I talking about?? It makes my head hurt. My eyes want to close. I am so glad I got the lunch dishes done. I can put my feet up again and snooze.