Tag Archives: gardening

May Day and Hope

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April is gone. Today is May 3. I meant to show up 2 days ago but I never made it. Some days are easier than others. Today is not one of those. The sky is cloudy. I’m heavy with it. I’m saggy and draggy but I’ve started the day. I still start it reading the two Heathers. I’m also reading Nobody’s Girl now that I got it from the library. It’s no wonder that I’m weighed down.

I wish that I’m not so serious minded. I wish that I am more light hearted. But that is not who I am. Whether it is because of genetics or how life shaped me, it’s hard to know. It is probably both. It is not easy being an immigrant child of immigrant parents. Being the oldest is not a cake walk either. I bear/feel the brunt of the responsibility for helping them navigate in an English speaking country. Life was and has been a serious affair. There was/are good times and laughter but not the uproarious kind. Our lives always seemed to me to be smaller than others.

That’s my feelings growing up. You don’t shed those feelings of inadequacy easily. I haven’t. They’re still there somewhere just underneath my skin. Not that I feel like a failure. I know I have done very well. I am a well informed and educated person. I am financially independent. I am retired with many interestests. I am never bored. I am occasionally melancholy. Who isn’t, especially in these times?

And so I come to this space to tap out my melancholy, my angst and sometimes my joys and excitement. I do get those happy exuberant feelings once in awhile, too. It must have been what I felt yesterday. They carried me through a whole day of gardening. I repotted seedlings, cleaned out 3 raised beds in the back yard. I planted 3 cucumbers in the greenhouse and 7 celery in the raised bed. Hope I wasn’t over eager and too early. Hope is a good antidote for melancholy.

Sunshine and Stirrings

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It’s a sunshine and lollypops kind of a morning. I feel faint stirrings of wanting to clean the yard of last year’s old growth and debris. I thought better of it. There’s snow on the ground. It’s early and a bit cool for that kind of undertaking. But faint stirring are good. It means I’m still alive and feeling. I saw that my snowdrops are up. They’re a little crushed by the snow but still beautiful to see.

I put in a bit of time in the greenhouse yesterday. I weeded and propped up the snow peas with bamboo sticks. They’re getting gangly and sprawly. It’s not my favourite thing to do. To be honest, I can’t really say I love gardening. It is hard and dirty work. I guess I do get some satisfaction at the end of the chore/season. It is nice to see a neat weed-free bed of greens. In a few weeks, I hope to harvest some lettuce and spinach for a salad or two.

It’s April 28th. Just a couple more days of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. At this moment, I can’t say that I really love writing either. But it is satisfying to see the letters and words march across the screen, forming a sentence and a post. That is the thing, isn’t it? Getting a little satisfaction is worth a little effort.

Cloudy Sunday Mutterings

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It’s disheartening to wake up to another grey morning. I try to not let the world weigh me down. But it is difficult watching what is unfolding in the U.S. I think the whole world is weighed down watching and so far unable to stop it. It is not in our country but it is affecting us universally. And it could happen in this country and others if we let it. Evil and corruption have no boundaries. I am surprised and shocked at the magnitude of it. I have been very niave. What a waker upper.

The count down has started. 11 days left in the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I wonder where my fellow bloggers are. We are dwindling in numbers. This April round has been the lowest. I’ve missed a day here and there. Some days I don’t feel like showing up at all but I do, somehow. I don’t have a business or a page to promote. I haven’t kept up with my hobbies either. I can’t crow about #the100dayproject. I haven’t been sewing my quilt squares like I said I would. The Index-Card-a Day Challenge is coming up in June. I think I will sit this one out, too. It’s time to do different but I might change my mind. I don’t want to quit everything and disappear.

Spring is slow this year. It came and went. More snow came. I hope it’s over now. The good news is that the maple sap is running and boiling is underway in many regions. I have good news in the greenhouse also. Everybody survived the couple of nights of chilly temperatures. The lettuce, spinach and Chinese greens are popping up and doing well. This gives me some cheer and hope for another day.

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Time is Finite

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It was a beautiful sunny April morning. Now the clouds have come. I heard from my friend that her mother passed early this morning. I am choked with emotions. I’m getting many of these notices these days. It’s that time in my life. I better pay attention. Time is finite. Don’t waste it on things I cannot change. Spend it on things that matter and can make a difference.

I am reminded that today is National Gardening Day. I have picked up a shovel and planted some seeds already in my little greenhouse. They are coming along nicely. I’m hoping to have fresh lettuce, spinach and radishes to eat in another month. Sooner would be nice. Time will tell. Once time seem to stand still. Now it’s speeding up like the last of the toilet roll. Before I can blink, it will be the end of summer. I’m calculating, planning and planting. I potted up the sprouted bitter melons. Seeded some amaranth, edible chrysanthemum and herbs I can’t remember the name of. I wonder if I’m getting the big A. Hope not.

Time is marching along. It is also time to do some reconciliation and forgiving. There’s no use in hanging on to hurts, grievances and misunderstandings. Let them all go for this life will never come again.

A Reset

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I can only handle my negative, grumpy depressive self for so long. Then I have to turn myself off and reset, hoping to get a more positive and cheery mood. I do have one rant for today. Why does Donald Trump demand that Iran can never have a nuclear weapon. It is the country that is being attacked by the U. S. and Israel. Both these countries and others have nuclear weapons. Why not drop some bombs on them? It’s my simple mind asking a simple question.

I’m feeling a little more positive and not quite so grumpy. I can let go a little on the Iranian war and the Epstein files. I am tired, mentally and physically but I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve felt I’ve been in a tunnel, struggling in the dark the past 2 years. I can let go of the struggle and try to appreciate the joys that are here right in front me.

My bitter melon seeds have sprouted, all 8 of them. I am programming for a large harvest so I have enough for our coffee friends at the mall. The Chinese greens have emerged in the greenhouse along with the spinach and lettuce. It’s an indication of more good things to come. Meanwhile downstairs, my Bernina 790 is waiting to be fired up and get going with my log cabin quilt squares. My palette has been idled for over a year. The paints are probably dried. I hope the liner is not moldy and rotting.

It is time for a rescue, cleaning and resetting of everything. Too many dust balls in corners of my head and everywhere. The deadline for the hateful tax return is looming nearer and nearer. I have to move my ass to find all those annoying pieces of paper and put them together. It’s my own small private war every year. I have no time to waste.

Something Good

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A sunny peaceful Easter Sunday in my neck of the woods. I cannot afford to be weighed down by all the troubles of the world day after day. I’m taking today off. So after a delcious dim sum at Yip Hong’s (our favourite Chinese restaurant) with the family, I pottered around in the greenhouse for an hour or two. I planted 2 short rows of snow pea seedlings. They are big enough with well established roots. They can withstand the cool nights. I don’t think it will dip below freezing now. It went up to 30℃ in there this afternoon. I had to open 2 vents and pull down the shade. I was getting scorched!

It’s a slow and late spring. It works for me. I am also slow and late. I am not as ambitious as previous years, planting and planting, crowding and crowding, to get more and more. Sometimes that works against me. Last year I had a big infestation of aphids with the peppers and bitter melons. I ended up with more work and less peppers and no bitter melons. I’m being more deliberate and trying not to overcrowd the greenhouse. Maybe that will prevent the aphid problem happening again.

There’s no lettuce, spinach or other greens poking their heads through the soil yet. But there are plenty earthworms where I was planting the snow peas. I seededed a row of radishes in front of them. It’ll be exciting waiting and watching. Green is such a wonderful colour. I feel its power such thinking about it. Here’s what google says about it:

Green psychologically promotes calmness,balance and rejuvenation by connecting to nature, which can reduce stress, alleviate anxiety, and boost feelings of hope and stability. As a central color on the spectrum, it is seen as refreshing, fostering creativity, focus, and productivity while signaling safety and growth.

I have no better words. They are good to end on this 5th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

Still Surprised

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It’s a sunny March 29th. A -7℃ outside but a 8.6℃ in the greenhouse. My seedlings are almost flourishing in the sunroom. I hope I can move them out to the greenhouse soon. Some are getting leggy, needling transplanting. The snowpeas are poking their heads out of potting mix. I have 72 of them if they all germinate.

I’ve been starting seeds now for a number of years. Still I’m always surprised when they poke their little green heads out of the soil. I am still surprised every years that I’ve planted so much garden – a little greenhouse, 6 raised garden beds, a home garden and a small plot in the community garden. Our city allotment garden is manned by the guy. I do help some. We’ve always had succesful harvests, some years better than others. I’m optimistic we will do the same this year.

I’ve been feeling my years lately. It happens when you lose your mother. I can’t bounce back quite the same and as quickly. But I am still bouncing somewhat. I’m imbibing some green tea for some extra bounce this morning. I remind myself that I am still ok, that I don’t have to feel on top of the world every minute of every day. There’s ebbs and tides. I’m the queen of tides. I always come back.

How To Get My Shit Together

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I keep saying that I have to get my shit together. So far it hasn’t happened yet. So far I haven’t figured out how. At least I am feeling a little better. My cough is not as hard and harsh. My stomach and chest are sore. My shoulders stiff from hunching and holding them close. Sometimes I feel as if I’m going to cough up my liver. I’ve been drinking and drinking gallons of fluids and making a million trips to the bathroom. Such fun, eh?

Hopefully I am on the road to recovery. I was able to lie down and had a decent night of sleep. I’m having my second cup of tea and trying to tap out how to get my shit together. First, I think I have to curb scrolling and scrolling through news from south of the border. It’s not good for my mental health. But I do like reading Heather Delaney Reese’s and Heather Cox Richardson’s posts on the U. S. political scene. It’s good to stay informed. But I also need to disconnect and move on with my day and life. That’s the hard part.

I’m taking little stabs and short runs at it. Yesterday I finally did seed my peppers. They take a long time to germinate and need a long growing season. Maybe today I can seed a few eggplants. I haven’t been successful with them. I did learn they are heavy feeders and need lots of pruning. So maybe this is the year. My sunroom is a holy cluttered mess. I have to clear some surfaces to put the plant trays. I had never thought I could be this bad. But then I never counted on my mother dying either even thought she was in her nineties. How silly could I be?

Now I feel the harshness and difficulties of the past year. I was perhaps operating on numb. I just had to. Life goes on. I like to think this part is my healing journey. Now I know everyone goes through this. It is hard but also necessary. I like to think of it as Joan Dideon’s The Year of Magical Thinking. I should read this book and Blue Nights. They are hard reads. I will try.

Tapping Out the Blues

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I am, again, wrestling with my every day inertia. It is hard to get out of Dodge. I have so many excuses. They’re all valid. I haven’t yet learned how to turn a deaf ear. I need a fire in my pants or a horse to get me out of town. None available so I’m having another cup of tea and tapping out the blues. Life isn’t fair. It never was. So here I am.

Just where am I exactly? I am here in my sunny sunroom drowning in dust and clutter. At least I am alive and breathing. So are my plants though my little orchid looks a bit thirsty. I got up and gave it a drink. I can still do that. I still have that much energy in me. Hurray for me! I am really surprised remembering that I started seedlings last spring, put in a greenhouse, a garden and a community garden plot last summer. I have no memories of how I did all that.

I look around me now. There’s something on every surface. Where will I put my trays if I could find the will to start some seeds? I know I need to get the onions and peppers going soon. Maybe I can sweep everything off into boxes and deal with them later. That has been my trick these days. It works- till it doesn’t. It’s better than not doing anything. Ok, that will be the plan. I will seed some onions and peppers today.

I feel wretched now. It feels as if I’ve been stuck in Dodge forever. I see no ways of getting out on the horizon. I do know that it will not stay that way. It is alright to struggle a little, be wretched for awhile. It’s ok to be helpless and hopeless for a time. I know help is on the way. I’m sure Marshal Dillon is going to help me out. Meanwhile, I’ll just chill.

Working through the blahs

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Another sunny November morning. The sun comes up much later now. Still, I’m happy to see its shine. Surprisingly some of my garden still survives. The celery, Swiss chard and kohlrabi perk up after the morning chill eases. I’ve just harvested a handful of chard to add to my pot of tomato soup. We’re hoping our tomatoes will survive another 3 weeks. We like to boast that we have our own garden tomatoes up to December. It will be close. I still have a few tomatoes on the vine in the greenhouse.

Life feels a bit strange. I feel a bit detached. I am an observer, feeling not part of the world. I wonder what happened to my ‘passions‘. It sounds like a silly word with no meaning. Perhaps I am just tired. But aren ‘t we all? So I should just shut up and carry on though there is no fire in my heart. It could be just a case of the blahs. It will surely pass as many things do. There is no need for me to fret. Meanwhile I will manage life in small chunks. I no longer need to be Wonder Woman. I cannot leap over tall buildings or even short ones for that matter.

What and how will I do? Carry on as normal/usual. Using some of Regina Brett’s quotes:

  • “No matter how I feel, I get up, dress up, and show up for life.”
  • “Some days, 24 hours is too much to stay put in, so I take the day hour by hour, moment by moment.” 

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It’s taken me 2 days to get back here to finish what I have started. Some days I am loathed to move and get on with it. It is especially so on cloudy November days. Today we have a bit of snow to brighten up the grey. It’s only by gosh, darn, I should and I must that I got myself moving this morning. Hanging up clean bath and dish towels and putting the dirty ones in th laundry tweaked by brain into a bit of wakefulness. Another cup of tea doesn’t hurt either. I just have to do whatever it takes not to let myself sink into melancholy and apathy.

Right now I am defrosting some ground beef for lunch. I am also going through the cooler and rescuing veggies that need some attention. Much as I would like, things don’t take care of themselves. Darn anyways! I guess now is a good time to assess and plan our garden needs for next spring.What do we want and like? What do we have too much of? What stores and keeps well? How is our health and physical capabilities? These are a few things I can think about. I do not have to dwell in kingdom of gloom and doom. Move and think, Self!