Day 51, September 11, 2016 @2:14 pm
September 11th! I’m happy that there’s not a lot of stuff out there reminding us of THAT day fifteen years ago. As if we need reminders. I don’t. I remember it very well. I remember the morning news. It was surreal. It was the morning of my mother’s ct scan to confirm her diagnosis of aortic aneurysm. The morning already felt chaotic and disastrous. The diagnosis was confirmed.
It has been fifteen years. We’ve learned to move on with it. Life has been good with some bad moments sprinkled in between. Life is like that, you know. It adds interest. It is never good to dwell on stuff without doing anything about it. Life is never stagnant. It is a moving, changing force. You have to move with it. You have to be engaged in it.
I am learning about engagement with my exercises in doing different. Shifting, twigging, making little changes is changing something inside me. I see a little different. I hear a little different. I feel a little ‘different’ by changing the habit of sitting in a different chair for reading. I feel the discomfort of my body, its yearning for the usual love seat even though the Lazy Boy is more comfortable with movable positions. The brain is a funny thing. It likes the same old, same old. I have to change its grooves.
A year feels like a long time. But I’ve 50 days down. 50 days of paying attention. 50 days of writing and posting. It’s almost a habit now. It’s easier with each completed post. I like old comforts but I also like challenges. I can be bored with too much same olds. I can get dull and morose with boredom. From experience, I know I can get over the discomfort of the ‘new’. I know that soon they will become familiar. Then I will move on to the next new.
What is your new? Till tomorrow.
Yesterday’s idea was to have more fun. Sheba totally agrees. She’s squeaking her purple ball right at my side. You have to be careful for what you ask for. You might get it and then you are sorry. Yup, she is barking. Let’s play! Play can be hard work. Maybe it’s because I’m not good at it. I need to play more so that it is not so foreign. That’s what takes up energy – the unease, the not at home with play.
I’m late coming here. I feel a sense of avoidance – dread. Have you suffered from anxiety? Do you have phobias? I have – most of my adult life. I’ve only realized recently the names for these feelings of reluctance and unspeakable dread. Unspeakable till now, I suppose. Perhaps they,like the vampires, need to be exposed to the light of day to be vanquished. So here I am, in my year of doing different, speaking of the dark closets in my mind.
Now, I am almost calm and stillI. I can slowly open one can of worms at a time. I still shake and tremble. I let them come. I feel them but I am still here. I can be afraid again and not be scared of it.
Voices in the head are quite intrusive. Mine are. They tell me this is hard, that is difficult. They tell me after that I should have, could have. They make me feel lazy, tired and worse of all – guilty. They rob me of energy, time and well-being. Autumn is a vulnerable season for me with its shortened daylight and especially on cloudy days. I pay special care. Iquestion those voices in my head. I ask: Is that true?
How was my day? I felt tired. I didn’t want to go out. I didn’t want to do what needed to be done. It gnawed at me. I went out anyways and did what I had to do. It felt good. While I was out, I ran into someone who made me realized how good living is and how much I have to be grateful for. If I hadn’t gone out, I would have missed that opportunity. I would have been sorry. Instead, I’m inspired again.
Since I was dissatisfied with myself, I started by enhancing my physical appearance. Since retirement, I have given up makeup totally. I have not bothered with jewellry for a long time. I stayed in my lounge clothes or wore sweats. So I started by brushing and styling my hair soon as I got up, applied my makeup, draw in my eyebrows and chose a pair of earrings. I had forgotten how many pairs I had! I started doing selfies on my iPhone. There’s a knack and practice does make for better. I asked friends on InstaGram for tips. After awhile, I stopped grimacing when I look at my selfies. I started to have FUN!
Oh, it’s that mellow time of day when the beer comes out. It’s too warm to light a fire. I’m feeling pretty mellow but I can still tap, tap on my phone. I can still follow directions and knit.
Sometimes I feel I’ve been in denial and fear most of my life. This is my brave moment – the awaking and seeing clearly and acknowledging. It is a great moment. At last, maybe I can let go of the frivolous, little petty things and be free to live the authentic life. That’s what I’m thinking, sitting before the fire, listening to the flames crackle, telling their stories to me.
Some days it is hard to find time to be here and document my year of doing different. I’m making that time because I see the value of it as my days are evolving.
The day finds me struggling a little with the changing season. The shift of the earth on its axis, changing the temperature, sunlight, the wind, the everything. Sometimes I forget that change is all around us, every minute, every second of every day.
onethousandandtwo 