Day 66 and 67, September 27, 2016 @8:48 am
I’m attempting to do the great turnaround this morning – doing the ‘work’ of Byron Katie. I’m asking questions, seeking their validity and seeing if there is another way of seeing. I am not happy in this moment of seeing the world half empty. It is the morning after the great debate of last night between Hiliary Clinton and Donald Trump. The world I held my breath, waiting to hear how the Donald will speak. I am sad to see a world where such a person can become a presidential candidate.
I’m coming to this space a little earlier, to change and shake off this feeling. The world hasn’t changed that much overnight. It is the way I’m seeing/feeling. One affects the other. One invokes different visions of the glass half full or empty. Can I do a switch around? And which one is true? I’m having a problem with truths. I tend to be black and white, literal and no gives. But I see the literal/absolute way brings me no happiness. I’m swaying, changing like the autumn leaves. I’m dropping/letting go the things that don’t serve me. They’re dropping slowly like teardrops. Afterall, change does hurt. It’s not a shame to cry.
Have you cried today? Is your world half empty or full? I am going to fill up now.
On this 54th day of my year of doing different, I’m sitting back, enjoying the fire in the woods. I’m trying to heed my own words. It’s difficult not to strive, worry and regret. It is possible to change – one little act at a time, one day at a time. Some days you will stumble. Who hasn’t ever?
It has been fifteen years. We’ve learned to move on with it. Life has been good with some bad moments sprinkled in between. Life is like that, you know. It adds interest. It is never good to dwell on stuff without doing anything about it. Life is never stagnant. It is a moving, changing force. You have to move with it. You have to be engaged in it.
Yesterday’s idea was to have more fun. Sheba totally agrees. She’s squeaking her purple ball right at my side. You have to be careful for what you ask for. You might get it and then you are sorry. Yup, she is barking. Let’s play! Play can be hard work. Maybe it’s because I’m not good at it. I need to play more so that it is not so foreign. That’s what takes up energy – the unease, the not at home with play.
I’m late coming here. I feel a sense of avoidance – dread. Have you suffered from anxiety? Do you have phobias? I have – most of my adult life. I’ve only realized recently the names for these feelings of reluctance and unspeakable dread. Unspeakable till now, I suppose. Perhaps they,like the vampires, need to be exposed to the light of day to be vanquished. So here I am, in my year of doing different, speaking of the dark closets in my mind.
Now, I am almost calm and stillI. I can slowly open one can of worms at a time. I still shake and tremble. I let them come. I feel them but I am still here. I can be afraid again and not be scared of it.
Voices in the head are quite intrusive. Mine are. They tell me this is hard, that is difficult. They tell me after that I should have, could have. They make me feel lazy, tired and worse of all – guilty. They rob me of energy, time and well-being. Autumn is a vulnerable season for me with its shortened daylight and especially on cloudy days. I pay special care. Iquestion those voices in my head. I ask: Is that true?
How was my day? I felt tired. I didn’t want to go out. I didn’t want to do what needed to be done. It gnawed at me. I went out anyways and did what I had to do. It felt good. While I was out, I ran into someone who made me realized how good living is and how much I have to be grateful for. If I hadn’t gone out, I would have missed that opportunity. I would have been sorry. Instead, I’m inspired again.
onethousandandtwo 