I’ve decided that it’s better to show up than not. Better to make an effort than not. So here I am, sitting here, making an effort, tap, tapping away. These are the choices I’m making. They are easy when I’m feeling oh so fine. Not so when I’m not but they matter more then. It’s a measure of being a responsible adult. If I could have my drathers, I would like somebody else do it all for me. I have moments feeling like pouting and having a tantrum. I like to say, Make it better! But who would I say that to?

No one could do it better than me. Live my life, that is. I just have to suck it up and do it myself. Oh, I’ve made many a mistakes. I’ve seen my life flash before my eyes. I saw every frame of it. I wonder at myself. Why did I do this and that? What was I thinking/feeling at the time? Pain and regret would course through me. If I would be given another run at this life of mine, I probably would do the same damn things again. It was probably the best I could have done at the time.

There’s no such thing as a life of no regrets. That’s just my thoughts. We are but human. We are full of fallacies, contradictions and emotions. Who can honestly say that they’ve never look back with nostalgia or whatever, wishing for otherwise? Not I. I’ve been hearing Frank Sinatra in my head all day. His My Way speaks to the best in me. It certainly tugs at my heartstrings. I like to think that I’ve done it my way but I haven’t. Regrets I have many but I have done the best I could .



RUMINATING – Day 96 in a year of…..

Day 96, October 28, 2016 @7:33 pm

img_8230Our October days continue to be grey and dreary.  But the solar panels are soldiering on, putting out some electricity.  I harvested probably the last of the rapini for lunch.  There is light and greenness amid all the gloom.  You can surmise that I don’t do well under the circumstances.  I might not be home free yet, but I think I’m past the most difficult stretch of days.

I’ve been ruminating about the past for the last few days, feeling regrets and sorrows about what could have been, if only I had.  My head and heart really hurt from all that.  And I have to let it all go.  There’s no shame really.  I am but human.  We are built to wonder, doubt, regret and mourn for what we think we have erred and lost.  It’s only right that I do acknowledge those feelings.  But then to let them go.

In this year of trying to do different, I am keener of the tricks of life, of my and others foibles.  I am trying to learn to be let go a little more, to be kinder to myself and others.  I am trying to learn about forgiveness – what is it and is it possible. Difficult tasks but at least I have them in my awareness.  I am not sleep walking through my journey.