sorrows

RUMINATING – Day 96 in a year of…..

Day 96, October 28, 2016 @7:33 pm

img_8230Our October days continue to be grey and dreary.  But the solar panels are soldiering on, putting out some electricity.  I harvested probably the last of the rapini for lunch.  There is light and greenness amid all the gloom.  You can surmise that I don’t do well under the circumstances.  I might not be home free yet, but I think I’m past the most difficult stretch of days.

I’ve been ruminating about the past for the last few days, feeling regrets and sorrows about what could have been, if only I had.  My head and heart really hurt from all that.  And I have to let it all go.  There’s no shame really.  I am but human.  We are built to wonder, doubt, regret and mourn for what we think we have erred and lost.  It’s only right that I do acknowledge those feelings.  But then to let them go.

In this year of trying to do different, I am keener of the tricks of life, of my and others foibles.  I am trying to learn to be let go a little more, to be kinder to myself and others.  I am trying to learn about forgiveness – what is it and is it possible. Difficult tasks but at least I have them in my awareness.  I am not sleep walking through my journey.

PARIS AND IN MY LIFE

It is another morning.  Paris is a continent away but sorrow resides in the universe.  How have we have come to this time when people knowingly open fire upon their fellow human beings?  Surely they must know that they will be killed in return.  What pushed them to give up their lives?

I ask these questions because I do not understand.  I see that they are as much victims as as the ones they have killed.  However their situations/lives may be, there will be no other chances after they are dead.  But then, I am not in their shoes.  Have not walked their mile. Have never want of the basics of life.

I’m asking these questions and seeing the words of Joni Mitchell:

I’ve looked at life from both sides now

From win and lose and still somehow

It’s life’s illusions I recall …

I’m listening to John Lennon’s In My Life sung by Johnny Cash’s quivering voice.

These songs and lyrics play in my head along with the questions that Paris stirs up.  There is one thing I am sure of.  Life is good.  Life is sweet.  Let me count the ways.

  • waking up in the morning to the aroma of coffee perking
  • the first sip of coffee/tea. What’s not to like about that
  • breathing, laughing, crying, feeling the tears down my cheeks
  • seeing my sunroom bathed in sunlight on a cool November day
  • Sheba coming in to wake us up. Time for breakfast she says
  • making breakfast, eating breakfast, doing dishes
  • writing my words, writing my happiness, writing my pain
  • and so on and on – the ordinary, the mundane, the fantastic, the sorrows

And so, life goes on – moment by moment in all its catastrophes.  It is what we have.  I am glad I am here – in my life.

 

TEN THOUSAND JOYS, TEN THOUSAND SORROWS

IMG_2294 I have been trying to live this Dharma life of ten thousand joys and sorrows.  Did the Buddha say that without mud, you can’t have lotus?  So that is the way with joy and sorrow.  It is the yin and the yang, love and marriage.  You can’t have one without the other.

My period of sorrow has ended.  Now I must step out of its shadow into the light.  I have acknowledged the darkness.  It is time to see the world with eyes anew.  It is time to reframe the picture before me.  I remember seeing a field of dandelions last summer.  The first impression is:  What a lot of weeds!  But when I see them as potential for medicinal tea, I see them as a hundred million miracles.

There is time for everything under Heaven.  Autumn is that time for thanksgiving, to count all our blessings.  I’m counting all the things big and small that bring me joy.  There’s at least ten thousand joys alone in the leaves of green, yellow and orange, quivering and shimmering in the morning sunlight as we rode around the park with Sheba today.  And what about the crisp morning air and the brilliant sun, opening my lungs, my eyes and heart?  Sheba alone is worth another ten thousand joys.

That guy riding with us is worth something, too.  Without him, Sheba would be at a standstill, digging her skinny little legs in, refusing to move.  But he is a beacon for her to follow.  She does not want to be left far behind.  So she trots joyfully and gallops at times, tongue hanging out.  I have to admit that he brings me joy, too.  I have discovered that I am not an island unto myself.

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What other things bring me joy?

  • The smell of bread and cinnamon buns baking.
  • Seeing a pair of blue jays feeding under my trees.
  • Having tea and conversation with my mother.
  • Having coffee and conversation with friends.
  • Blue skies.
  • Walks and bicycle rides.
  • The smell of coffee.
  • Creating on my sewing machine.
  • Writing, words, poetry.
  • Hearing Paddy Tutty in concert at a small local church.
  • Drinking wine with my housemate.
  • Watching Sheba sleep.
  • Making soup.
  • Learning.
  • Being still.

These are some of  the things that bring me joy.   What brings you joy?