making an effort

NO SMALL FEAT

It’s the start of another Wednesday – exercise class and write it day. It’s good to have a schedule, a routine. It helps to keep me on track. I should schedule a clean house day, too. I remember I had to dust on Saturdays when I was a kid. It worked then. It will work again. What a great way to start the day, getting ideas and finding solutions. I hate the feeling of being stuck, of no movement and nowhere to go first thing in the morning.

I love waking up early especially now when it’s already light by 6 o’clock. I saw 2 people out walking already at 6:30. Clearly they’re disciplined early birds. I’m up but I like to lull around. I did my meditation this morning but I was not in the present moment at all. My mind went wandering as soon as I turned on my usual recording. I tried to bring my attention back again and again. It was no small feat and I was not very successful. That’s how it was and that’s how it is with life. We try. We succeed or lose or don’t lose or gain. We try again and again. It’s call living. Nothing is static, not even when we think we are. The things around us change. They don’t wait till we’re ready.

I guess this is my self/pep talk to keep me moving, present and on track. My days are like my paintings. The outcome depends on how much effort I put in. Even then the results are different from day to day. I don’t come with a ton of energy. I am slow as molasses in winter. I can only handle so much – people and activity. Needless to say, I don’t have a load of friends. I am not a party goer. I don’t accomplish a lot in a day. I did a little grocery shopping for my mom this afternoon. It came to only $45.00 and I’m pooped. Everything takes a lot of effort. One thing I can say for myself is that I do make the effort – every day. No matter the size, any effort is no small feat for me. I tread water a lot.

WORKING FOR PROGRESS

Monday morning, September 27,2021 10:17 am. It is sunny and 17℃ outside. It is 19.6℃ in the greenhouse. I am adopting a journal style to chart the days and my progress in life. It is a memory bank since my mind and memory are not functioning at prime in these times. I am working on improving that and a few other things. I hope I don’t get sidetrack and get lost wandering down too many paths. If I do, I hope I have the insight to recognize it and get back on track.

This morning I have already spent some time in the greenhouse as is my routine. I’ve trimmed the tomato and cucumber leaves so that the sun can find its way in. My seeding of radishes and snow peas have germinated. It’s probably still too warm for the radishes in there. They are getting a bit leggy. We are having such an unusual year with climate change. It’s hard to predict how the temperatures will go. I will just have to garden by the seat of my pants. There hasn’t been any failures in growing for me yet. I always get something for my efforts. Even if that something is learning, it’s a huge reward.

My kitchen drain is still a problem. I haven’t given up on unclogging it myself. The plumber can wait. Meanwhile, I’ve developed a systematic of getting the dishes done with minimal effort. I can do a whole day’s load in the dishwasher. I’m hoping the super hot water from the dishwater will eventually dislodge whatever is in its way. Cross your fingers and toes for me, will you? Like I said, this is teaching me patience and delayed gratification. I am also learning how to organize, do things more efficiently, saving time and energy.

Saturday, October 2, 2021 4:17 pm. It is 20℃ outside and 23.3℃ in the greenhouse. Wonderful autumn weather, almost summer like. I’m not kidding myself though. The days are getting shorter, no early morning sun at 6 am and the sun is gone before 6 pm. I am feeling all these weather changes. I am feeling the Covid blues also. It is true. There are no good news these days. It is what is here. I try to put my best foot forward, doing the best I can. So even though I feel no expanse, no flow, I take small flights through my days. I am not my feelings. Inspite of anything and everything, I can get up, dress up and show up.

How quickly a week passes even though I feel slow as a slug. How did I get to Saturday already?Perhaps I am moving faster than I feel. I can be deceived by my emotions. Therefore, I should never give up. Things are not as bad as they seem. So I do a little of this and a little of that. Mornings are always the easiest and hardest. How do I get started? The sun comes out and I have to step out. We went to the farmers market. It was easy. I didn’t have to drive. I get into the truck and away we went and came home with a load of peppers and eggplants. No matter how hard it is for me to go/do, I am always happy that I made the effort.

Now the day is almost done. I am sipping my decaf, waiting for supper. I am not exactly chilled. I am not exactly down. My kitchen drain is not exactly cleared but it is capable of making a sucking sound when it starts to drain – some. It’s progress. That’s what I am always working for – progress in everything. Life is hard.

GETTING OVER AND OUT OF MYSELF

November is the hardest month, especially without snow to light up the grey. Yesterday it rained. Then snow came and melted. It was not an easy day. It was a day of pushing and prodding myself to show up and make my own sunshine. The less I show up, the less I want to. The less I talk, the less I have to say. Is there a message here? Is this a season of silence? Is it a time for me to rest and hibernate, to restore and refill my body and spirit?

There are so many things I rather not do, so many places where I don’t want to show up. It’s childish talk. I like to lay down, kick my legs up and down and have a tantrum. I don’t wanna! I don’t wanna! But who would pay attention and listen? I just have to suck it up and do those I rather nots. Life does go on, with or without me. Remember that rhetoric? It’s a truism. I don’t want to be left behind, not when I’m still breathing. I will go along for the ride. I might as well put in a good effort or else it will be a wasted trip.

I will have to pull up my socks again, stand tall and square my shoulders to face the world. It’s not so bad or hard once I’ve made the decision and begin. The words are coming back. They are marching across my screen, forming sentences and thoughts. Ideas are popping into my head and fingers as they tap on the keyboard. I feel the light and energy coming back into my body. Hope is not out of reach as fatigue and the humdrum of the everyday recedes. The ordinary is coming alive again for me. Perhaps seeing Picasso’s linocut collection on still life at the Remai Modern yesterday stirred some excitement in me. It made me think and look at things in different ways. Perhaps that’s the function of art.

 

 

 

 

WEEKEND MUTTERINGS

I’ve never ever found an optimum time for doing anything or an easy time for starting something. Truth be told, I’m a daydreamer, a doodler, lounger, wistful thinker. In short I’m a procrastinator, trying to hold life at bay. What is this fear of starting and living?, I ask myself. I have no clue, no inkling of an idea but just this physical discomfort of not wanting to commit. Laugh if you will but we all know that he who laughs first, laughs last. I am sure you have that procrastinator in you, too. Only you haven’t recognized yourself in the mirror.

I see myself as molasses in winter mode. It is cool this morning. I see my little cucumber plants shivering in the raised bed in the front yard. First the heat. Now the chill. I hope they make it. I’ve never had much luck with them except for one year. Now that’s something to aim for. Something to get my juices flowing and off my butt. It takes patience and persistence to succeed at anything. My cyclamen is such a testament. I gave it the attention it needed. I don’t have a steady supply of that either. It comes in sporatic spurts. I’m not good when the going gets tough. Sometimes I abandon ship. Now that’s another thing to work on.

It’s another morning. I’ve clearly abandoned ship yesterday before finishing this conversation. I’m going through a spell. I’m lacking motivation. Nothing turns me on but I’m working on it. I feel as if I can’t even get myself out of a wet paper bag. Sometimes I just have to put in the effort as if I do love it, whether I feel it or not.  That’s life. What is it that gets you up and going? What are your secrets for joie de vivre? What keeps you on the job till it’s finished?

I’m sipping on my cuppa, my favourite diversion for not doing. I’m glued to my chair but at least I am flexing my fingers, tapping on the keyboard. I’m trying to stay awake, thinking of how to overcome my inertia, how not to feel overwhelmed about our climate crisis. What else can I do not to contribute to the carbon footprint? How can I get outside of myself to help the world I live in. These are some of my thoughts on this sunny cool June morning. Perhaps I can bake some rhubarb crisp to warm up. I’ve been making rhubarb sour cream muffins the last 2 days but I’ve run out of sour cream.

 

 

MY WAY

I’ve decided that it’s better to show up than not. Better to make an effort than not. So here I am, sitting here, making an effort, tap, tapping away. These are the choices I’m making. They are easy when I’m feeling oh so fine. Not so when I’m not but they matter more then. It’s a measure of being a responsible adult. If I could have my drathers, I would like somebody else do it all for me. I have moments feeling like pouting and having a tantrum. I like to say, Make it better! But who would I say that to?

No one could do it better than me. Live my life, that is. I just have to suck it up and do it myself. Oh, I’ve made many a mistakes. I’ve seen my life flash before my eyes. I saw every frame of it. I wonder at myself. Why did I do this and that? What was I thinking/feeling at the time? Pain and regret would course through me. If I would be given another run at this life of mine, I probably would do the same damn things again. It was probably the best I could have done at the time.

There’s no such thing as a life of no regrets. That’s just my thoughts. We are but human. We are full of fallacies, contradictions and emotions. Who can honestly say that they’ve never look back with nostalgia or whatever, wishing for otherwise? Not I. I’ve been hearing Frank Sinatra in my head all day. His My Way speaks to the best in me. It certainly tugs at my heartstrings. I like to think that I’ve done it my way but I haven’t. Regrets I have many but I have done the best I could .

 

 

WHEN THE BOTTOM FALLS OUT

I always arrive here at the end of the day. Good time to sum up everything but I want to lounge and vegetate. I want to curl up with my glass of wine. Supper is still in the making so I’ll wait. Maybe a cuppa decaf can coax the words from me. The bottom of my day/jar literally fell out in the morning. There I was, standing in the kitchen, holding a jar of soup while the bottom clang to the floor. Good thing the soup was still frozen. Otherwise, what a mess!

It wasn’t indicative of how everything went. I had a pretty good day after the bottom fell out. I am still on track reading Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. I’m applying what I’ve learned. I’m trying to stop waking up to the same day over and over like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. That would be a daymare. My yesterday was not so good. I felt tired and down. I didn’t want the same so I visualize myself as I want to be – energetic and up. I went into the phone booth of my mind and put on my Wonder Woman costume. And voilà!

I packed my gym bag with my swim paraphernalia so I was ready to go at the appointed time. No excuse to skip since I couldn’t find this or that. Next I headed downstairs and transplanted the rest of the tomato seedlings. It was not an earth shattering exciting day. All the same it was very satisfying to me, not having the fatigue. I will remember to be kinder to myself when I am tired. The natural progression from that is feeling down. There’s no need to punish myself more for feeling that way.

The day is done. I’ve had my swim and feeling the more relaxed and mellow for it. It pays to make an effort to go. The dog is walked, supper ate and wine consumed. The dishwasher is slushing away. All my little art projects done for the day – the red cardinal for 365 somethings 2018 and my painted cloth block . They’re on the sidebar under my Instagram if you care to look. Time to shut it down till tomorrow.