Mad As Hell

Posted on January 25, 2026 by hafong

I’m feeling no pleasure or contentment this morning. I’m mad as hell, sorry I can’t say “And I won’t take it any more“. It’s distressing to learn of another shooting in Minneapolis, the killing of Alex Pretti. It’s distressing to know I am not God and I don’t have any power to change any of the chaos happening in our present day world. Yes, I am mad as hell. I can still yell and rant, let off steam and think of what I can do/change.

We are still in frigid temperatures but the morning is bright and sunny. I am sipping my second cup of tea. I am tapping and trying to still my inner turmoil. There’s much not right within as there is without. I confess, I am not blameless. I am not perfect. It makes me mad as hell. I’m breathing out smoke and fire. I am keeping my head and my mouth shut. I will not talk about my list of sins. They are bigger in my head than in reality. I am perhaps full of self importance. I need to lighten up.

Here’s what I will do. Finish my tea. Finish this post. Practice ASL with Bill Vicars on YouTube. I know the whole alphabet. It is relaxing practicing my abc’s. Not so good with fingerspelling. It is so fast and my brain is so slow. It sure takes my mind off the toxic stuff. I am learning another language and improving my brain health.

Yikes, it is almost lunch time. I have to get my mind out of the toxic soup and get a move on. The day is marching on. Another post for the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

What Still Matters

Posted on January 24, 2026 by hafong

The cold temperatures are still with us. It’s -31℃. The sun is a weak yellow halo in a pale grey blue sky. I don’t really mind. I feel more alert, focused and at ease. The early mornings are still dark. It is restful to sit with just my cup of tea, not thinking and scrolling. After I’ve finished, I realize that what I felt was pleasure. It made me smile. It gave me joy and I made a second cup of tea.

I’m sitting not so pretty this morning. My hair is yet not combed but I am dressed and tapping rhythmically on the trusty keyboard. I’m not sitting so pretty but I am sitting content and at peace. That is what still matters at this stage in my life. Life hasn’t been exactly a bowl of cherries, especially the last couple of years. It’s been a roller coaster ride, full of ups and downs. When I think of it now, it’s been rather exciting and jarring. So I think excitement still matters, no matter what age we’re at. I need jarring out of my complacency.

Life is strange. I didn’t really think that I would be here talking like this. But here I am. So how am I talking anyways? A bunch of nonsense probably. But it’s good to flex my fingers and make them move on the keyboard. The exercise is waking up my senses, increasing my serotonin and making those dendrites snap more effeciently. I hope they are also working on and improving my ear hair cells. Hope and strange happenings still matter. Surprises still matter. Everything still matters.

Why I Bother

Posted on January 23, 2026 by hafong

January 22, 2026. A sunny bitterly cold morning. Just what I like. I’m wearing a black silk/nylon/mohair sweater with sequins from years ago. I’m sipping my second cup of tea and hoping to tap out another post for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Just a little over a week left in January. I’m not as enthused this round with my words. I’m not showing up every day. Sometimes I wonder why I bother.

Why I bother is because it is the best/better mode of releasing stress for me. I can lash out with my words without causing self harm and hurt to others. It is only true when I confine my words to this space. I can poke a bear awake with my keyboard just as well as with my sharp tongue. I felt the result of that yesterday. I ran into a very old colleague whom I haven’t seen for a long time. I greeted her. She let me know in no uncertain words and facial expression that I am not loved.”There’s no need to say hello when you had been so rude to me on Facebook.” She retorted.

I was and was not surprised. That had been over a year ago in October of 2024. It was soon after my mother’s funeral. I was somewhat crazy and she irritated me greatly with her comments on our lunch group page. I was instrumental in adding and including her to the group after she expressed being left out. She did not once showed up but always responded with some irritating comment. After many months, I removed her. What followed was very strange and ugly. I regretted all my actions. How silly to lose my much needed energy this way.

So it is another cold morning. January 23rd. -37℃. No sun yet. The cold is good enough reason to take a break from the gym. I have soup souping in the Instant Pot. I am hoping to tap a good ending to this post. The flip flopping of temperatures is hard on the body. I am adjusting and readjusting to that and life as well. I tend to have the archetype of a rescuer. What I haven’t learned is that not everyone wants to be rescued. I haven’t realized that I am not that powerful. I am not God though I have been told. Hence, energy drains out of me.

Today, I am doing self care. I am not that powerful. I am not God. I don’t have to save everyone or anyone. It is good to let go and let it be. Peace.

Maybe I’m Just All Talk

Posted on January 21, 2026 by hafong

Photo by KATRIN BOLOVTSOVA on Pexels.com

I am trying to show that I am not just all talk. So far I am not succeeding. I’ve missed another two more days of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Life is full of distractions. Even help for procrastination is just another such trap. I, and probably everybody else like to think there is a reason and a solution. So I read article after article, take quizzes and check out apps. And at the end of all that, I realized that I’ve wasted much time on nothing. I could have used that time to throw out some junk, write a post, knit a few stitches…

I’ve finally come to my keyboard but probably not to my senses. Life is hard. I’ve come to the conclusion that I have been so wrong in so many ways and things. I am confused at how to be and where to go. It is difficult to know where the where is and how to get there. Probably when I get there, there isn’t a there. So I’m a bit stuck in another quagmire. It doesn’t help that my computer is not cooperating. I’m stuttering along. There is no flow.

But I have pecked out a few words. I’m working on a plan. I need a plan or else I will sink to the bottom of the lagoon. I’m picking up the scarf I started a year or two ago. I can’t quite believe that I’ve only knitted 5 rows. It’s a start. The100DayProject starts February 22. I’ve decided on sewing a logcabin quilt square/day. I have gathered together some fabrics I’ve accumulated over the years. I’m ready. I’m a tad more than just talk.

Same Time Last Year

Posted on January 18, 2026 by hafong

Sunny Sunday at last! It’s a reason to cheer. I’m feeling a little more optimistic. I have my blue sweater, earrings and eyebrows on. I’m not moving any faster but breakfast and dishes are done. The kitchen floor swept. I have plans of picking up my knitting needles and starting another logcabin quilt. My sister said she would love one. It’s easier when you are making it for someone. Having projects is good for the heart and soul. And it is good to follow through and finish. So I shall work on following through to finish this Ultimate Blog Challenge.

I am feeling grateful on this Sunday remembering how far I’ve come from the same time last year. This time last year was the 3rd month after my mother had passed. I had tubes in my ears. I was still without much hearing but had alot of choral music and singing in my head. It drove me a bit batty. I felt cognitively impaired and exhausted. The good thing was I was able to sleep. It was in January that I started a daily journal, charting how I was hearing and the noise in my head. I stopped sometimes in June because I was too focused on my maladies. It wasn’t good for my mental or physical health.

This time last year I was stressed and distressed. I was surprisingly not depressed. I knew I had to be careful and not sink into those blues. I had to keep my spirits up to heal. I read Caroline Myss’s and Herbert Benson’s books on healing. I meditated on the word joy. I painted it. I walked to the mall, the Dollar Store, the Asian Market. I walked somewhere every day. Today I am surprised by how much I did this time last year.

I am rejoicing at this recollection of my warrior self. I still have it in me to ‘joy’ on. February is on the horizon. My 2026 100dayproject will be doing another 100 logcabin quilt squares. I better sharpen my rotary cutter, clean and oil my Bernina 790 sewing machine.

Much About Nothing

Posted on January 17, 2026 by hafong

A cloudy cool Saturday morning. I’ve been doing what I do the best, ruminating, accomplishing nothing. I seemed to have lost my words or else I’ve fallen out of love with them. How does one fall in love again? Life seems to have gone to hell in a handbasket. I am perhaps being overly dramatic and morose. So how does one get out of it? How can I fall in love with life and my words again?

I look out window at the grey drab January landscape. The only bright spot is the pink garage door. I am still surrounded by my paper clutter. At least I’ve taken care to comb and put up my hair. I drew in some eyebrows and put in some earrings. I’m not looking like hell. I’m wearing something bright, a blue mohair sweater knitted long ago. I feel a tug of desire to pick up my knitting needles again. They are sitting in a basket next to my chair. There’s also a pattern book of 6 patterns. The book cost $2.50 so you can guess how old it is.

My thoughts go round and round. I wonder what life is and how did I get here. It’s been a slippery slope since my mother passed. Her presence made me feel safe. There was order and purpose. She was our glue and our traffic director. Nobody seems to want the job she vacated. But one cannot just let everything fall apart. And so I try. Not doing great but at least I’ve picked up the reins. I couldn’t very well just say, ho hum and that was it. Well, I could but what would happen if we all did that?

So, I am trying again on the keyboard. I am trying to find the words to inspire and whisk me out of the hell handbasket. Something is better than nothing. Silence can be deadening as I well know. I might as well raise some hell. There’s still a few days left in January Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’ve made a beginning. There’s a bit of a middle. I need to finish what I’ve started. And that’s all there is to it.

Self-Talk, I Can, I Can

Posted on January 13, 2026 by hafong

I’m struggling still. It’s a physical thing, related to the weather. I am sure of it. Yesterday we had a high of +4C. Looks like it’s going to be the same today. I am sure many are happy with the mild temperatures. I am not. I feel droopy and crappy. I can’t change the weather so I’m carrying on in my default mode. There’s nothing else I can do.

It’s too bad that I haven’t built up a strong default system. Perhaps if I don’t want to set goals and resolutions, I can learn to make lists. Today I have no urgent must-do’s. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my bank person. I can look up my finances and see where I am at before the meeting. I should respect my money more and pay attention. I have an appointment with my gynecologist in February and my dentist in March. I can write them on the calendar so I won’t forget.

I haven’t been strong at all in following through with anything. Hence I am at my keyboard still surrounded with alot of paper clutter. This is not a good time to say I will change. That would be just a waste of energy. But it is a good time to remember that I had one success in following through. I have finished my queen sized log cabin quilt just before Christmas when it felt like an impossibility. It’s a big confidence builder. I can. I can.

It’s a good note to end on for this lucky 13th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Maybe I can do it again tomorrow.

Working at Effort

Posted on January 12, 2026 by hafong

January has not been its cold and sunny self. It’s been mostly mild and cloudy. I am cloudy, too, weighed down with the grey and how the world is. I am not at all motivated and excited about anything. It’s work coming to the keyboard but I cannot give in and up so easily. But what do I have to say that would be helpful and not harmful? Have you ever been feeling this way? If you have, what helped or not helped?

I am grateful that I can still get out of bed and talk about it. I’ve never felt less like it, but I did go to the gym. My workout wasn’t off the richter scale. I don’t imagine it would shave off even an ounce but I did move, skip and flex a couple of muscles. I am grateful that I made our lunches and the dishes are done. My limbs are heavy like lead. My eyes want to close. I want to lay down and sleep till this is over. In this state, I am grateful for any effort I can make.

There were a few moments of little joy.

Stepping into a quilting store and seeing all the colour fabric.
Driving down our back alley and seeing the toddlers from the daycare playing. They stopped and waved at us with their little hands.
Watching this reel of a deaf 3 year old teaching his little sister sign language. Little hands are happy hands.

So, there! This is today’s effort for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Not great but something is better than nothing. Or is it?

Large Coffee, One Cream, One Sugar

Posted on January 10, 2026 by hafong

Sometimes it is hard to believe that it is a little over a year since my mother passed. I wonder where she went. When I think of her, I see her as she was, vibrant and alive. She is just somewhere else. Life and love are still here. We are calmer, more at peace. For my father and me, we are still doing coffee most afternoons at the mall. I would go over to Tim Horton’s. They know me now and what I want. Every day it is large coffee, one cream, one sugar. Sometimes I get some Timbits. Surprising how comforting this habit of coffeeing is.

It really wasn’t my intention to do this. My siblings and I were not really close to our father. Our mother was the nuturing one. My father was like most Asian fathers of his generation. He brought home the bacon and left the family stuff to our mother. She took care of everything else. But with her gone, we couldn’t really just leave him at 93 to fend for himself. We pitched in to make sure he was safe.

I couldn’t do much after falling ill and losing my hearing. I told him not to call me because I wouldn’t be able hear. He understood and was very supportive. He said not to worry about him and to take care of myself. When I was recovering and could hear a bit, I dropped in on my walks for a short visit and a coffee. Last year was a long winter for both of us. He was mostly housebound. I was mostly deaf with alot of incessant bad music in my head. I did alot of walking to distract myself and also to hear the crunch of tires on ice from the traffic.

When summer came I tried walking with my father outside. The sidewalks were too rough and uneven for walker or wheelchair. Besides the weather was unpredictable – too windy, hot, cool. The mall was the perfect place for a walk and things to look at and discover. It was much easier than sitting at home with him. After awhile, I ran out of things to talk about. At first it was mostly just the two of us at the mall. It was ok. It was restful. It was my coffee break. Things evolve. Now some days we have a small group, some old friends and some new ones. I like to call it our Chinese Happy Hour. Some days I go home drunk with happiness from a large coffee, one cream, one sugar. I split it with my father.

Something lost, something gained

Posted on January 8, 2026 by hafong

Joni Mitchell’s Both Sides Now is still my favourite song. With my hearing loss, I don’t hear music like I used to. I don’t hear the full richness of all my strings and things. But I can still hear the melody and single instruments like the piano and the lyrics. I can still enjoy music somehow. There is always something to be grateful for.

Yes, I’ve lived on both sides now. There’s ups and downs. Something’s lost but something’s gained. I’ve learned acceptance and that life has many sides. It’s not all or nothing. There’s life after loss and that it can still be wonderful and beautiful.

I’ve been struggling with my words this round of the Ultimate Challenge. Sometimes my fatigue gets the better of me. I’ve had to listen and give it some respect. I pick up the pace when I can.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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