Tapping Out the Blues

Posted on February 15, 2026 by hafong

I am, again, wrestling with my every day inertia. It is hard to get out of Dodge. I have so many excuses. They’re all valid. I haven’t yet learned how to turn a deaf ear. I need a fire in my pants or a horse to get me out of town. None available so I’m having another cup of tea and tapping out the blues. Life isn’t fair. It never was. So here I am.

Just where am I exactly? I am here in my sunny sunroom drowning in dust and clutter. At least I am alive and breathing. So are my plants though my little orchid looks a bit thirsty. I got up and gave it a drink. I can still do that. I still have that much energy in me. Hurray for me! I am really surprised remembering that I started seedlings last spring, put in a greenhouse, a garden and a community garden plot last summer. I have no memories of how I did all that.

I look around me now. There’s something on every surface. Where will I put my trays if I could find the will to start some seeds? I know I need to get the onions and peppers going soon. Maybe I can sweep everything off into boxes and deal with them later. That has been my trick these days. It works- till it doesn’t. It’s better than not doing anything. Ok, that will be the plan. I will seed some onions and peppers today.

I feel wretched now. It feels as if I’ve been stuck in Dodge forever. I see no ways of getting out on the horizon. I do know that it will not stay that way. It is alright to struggle a little, be wretched for awhile. It’s ok to be helpless and hopeless for a time. I know help is on the way. I’m sure Marshal Dillon is going to help me out. Meanwhile, I’ll just chill.

Handing it out every day

Posted on February 14, 2026 by hafong

February 14th, a sunny Valentine’s Day. Will you be mine? For some reason I am remembering years back, in grade school. We used to cut out valentines and give them out to each other. It seemed like such a lovely and innocent idea, handing out love. I wonder if it is still done in schools. I wonder why we can’t do that every day, hand out love. There are so many ways. They don’t have to be elaborate and it doesn’t have to be restricted to February 14. We could do it any day or even every day. Wouldn’t that be something? What would the world be like? What would I be like?

Why don’t I try it and see what happens? I am tired of being the tired old me. It isn’t easy as pie to change. One tiny change changes everything and it isn’t always a comfortable fit. I quickly slip back into my well worn comfortable boots. I sigh with relief and ask myself, why try to fight it? Days pass. The comfortable boots no longer bring relief and I scold myself. I need to break in new boots. I need patience. I need to keep trying. The fight continues.

I need to think different thoughts. I need to speak different words. I need to see different visions. I want different outcomes. I want to have different feelings. I will hand out a valentine a day.

On Sadness

Posted on February 13, 2026 by hafong

I’m feeling incredibly sad in the moment. I am going to sink into it and use it for a rest. I am not going to berate myself for not being a better person and rise above it. True, it is a beautiful day. The sun is shining and the temperature is way above normal for February. I can appreciate all that. At the same time, I know what it tells us about climate change and global warming. It depresses me to no end that some people still think that it is a hoax while I feel our world is ending.

I know, I know, I am way too glum and serious. I acknowledge that but some people are way too glib. I am also a bit under the weather because of all the melting snow. Whether it is too early or not for snow molds, I’ve been experiencing watery eyes, runny nose and fits of dry harsh coughing. I’ve been worried about getting sick like the previous year. I’ve been crossing my fingers and toes. So far, so good. I’m over the worse of it and recovering. Sad as I am, I can still appreciate life and this morning’s beautiful sunrise.

Did I tell you that change is hard? If I hadn’t, I am telling you now. It is very hard and uncomfortable. But it is a whole lot better for me to consciously change than to leave the change to everything and everyone around me. I want to be the director and the captain of my ship. I take responsibility and can’t blame anyone except myself.

I have never found it much help talking to another about feelings. Most people, instead of just listening and accepting, tend to want to explain and fix. It doesn’t work for me because it makes me feel unheard, that there’s something wrong with my feelings. Therefore it makes me feel worse. However, now that I’ve wrestled with and discovered how it makes me feel, I’m feeling better. I am not as sad. There’s light at the end of the keyboard.

Getting Out of Sick

Posted on February 11, 2026 by hafong

Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko on Pexels.com

I am sick and weary of our world. Yesterday another shooting resulting in 9 deaths and 27 injured in Tumbler Ridge, British Coloumbia. The shooter was an 18 year old. What, in Canada? I thought it only happens is the U.S.A.! And 18 years old. When did he have time to learn to hate to kill? And listening to a podcast on the Epstein Files, Explained, I just want to vomit. I’m sick of feeling like this.

I’m trying to do the McGiver/Joe Dispenza stuff. Like Mcgiver, I will utilize whatever I can to fight my villains. What can I do with paperclips and duct tape? How can I use a camera or a can opener to escape from a dangerous situation? Well, think like Joe Dispenza. How can I think greater than I feel? What will quell my nausea? Maybe a large coffee with one cream and sugar at Tim Horton’s. Ha! Ha! I have to tinker with my brain to think and feel different. I think it’s working already. I can almost do a tap dance.

Here’s the thing. Now I know I don’t have to stay stuck in the same groove. I can get out by thinking/acting differently. Being outrageous will do the trick faster. Outrageous is good if it poses no harm/hurt to myself or others. I’m off now to do just that. You know me, though. I am pretty tame. There’s no need to worry.

On Change and overcoming myself

Posted on February 9, 2026 by hafong

So here’s the thing. I’m trying and trying. But life seems to be getting the best of me. It is full of many little irritations. I get tripped up every single time. I keep falling into the same damned holes. I haven’t learned to take a different street. I’ve read Joe Dispenza’s book Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself more than once. Yet, here I am, still the same. I vow not to fall back in the same hole by reading it again. But I did skim and caught this sentence. “To truly change, you have to become greater than your present self.” It means rising above my current environment, circumstances and emotional habits.

Such a simple concept. It makes alot of sense and yet not so easy to implement. Here’s some pointers on how:

Surpassing your environment. Think greater than how you feel.
Break the habit of being yourself. Try a different personality. Change how you think, act and feel.
Living in the future. Live as if your desired future is already a reality.
Rewiring the brain. You can change your brain through contemplation and mental rehearsal to reflect a desired future experience.

In this moment of recognizing how hard it is to change I am more opened to accepting people as they are. It is a lightbulb moment. I tend to have high standards and hold everybody to them. While having high standards is not a bad thing, it is not always good to hold others to them. I am too rigid, leaning into perfectionism. I could cut myself some slack, too.

Having Faith

Posted on February 8, 2026 by hafong

February 8th. Cloudy, 0℃, freezing rain warning and snow forecasted. For far, so good. No rain nor snow. I’m still recovering from my cold or whatever I’m afflicted with. My cough is less and looser. So my self ministering works. I’ve been drinking almost nonstop for a couple of days – tea, decaf, herbal tea, hot water. So much sometimes I don’t quite make it to the bathroom in time. Then there’s the tylenol and neti pot saline rinses. I tried to stop this cold but even when I felt it coming, I couldn’t stop it. It had to have its day. It was like trying to stop a charging bull, a speeding train or a tsumani. Though I couldn’t stop it, I’ve lessened the impact.

Now that I have the momentum, I’m still tapping on the keyboard. It keeps me sane. It’s enough reason to keep going. I feel like I have someone to talk to, someone who understands, doesn’t judge and doesn’t talk back. There’s nothing that could make me feel worse than someone trying to make me see sense, see ‘the other side’. It’s something that I need to do for myself. What I need is to have the faith, trust in my feelings and intuition, lay low, stay quiet and let things be.

Though technically we are connected 24/7, I don’t feel we are connected emotionally at all. There’s this distance and emptiness. It’s difficult to have the faith. I’m working on it. I’m lonely without it. I miss my mother. I miss how things used to be. I can’t understand anything any more. Perhaps I shouldn’t try so hard to understand but it is surprising to find Dr. Phil showing up at ICE Raids. And why all the fury on immigrants? Aren’t we all immigrants here in North America except for the aboriginals? Aren’t we all human inhabitants of the planet? Doesn’t it belong to all of us?

Why are we killing each other? It’s making me furious. I feel like we’re experiencing a global autoimmune disorder. We are attacking each other. We are each other’s enemy. For this, I need to find and keep the faith that we can do better. I am tired. I need to just shut up and believe and be strong.

Fallen Heroes and Heroines

Posted on February 7, 2026 by hafong

It’s a dreary wet cloudy February Saturday. I wonder if the sun will shine again. I wonder if our winters will get back to normal. Lethbridge, Alberta reached a high of 20℃ on Wednesday. Can you imagine that? I wouldn’t think they would have any snow left. Maybe the grass will start to grow. Maybe, Maybe there’s no such thing as global warming. Maybe there was no such person as Jeffrey Epstein. Maybe there’s no such thing as the Epstein files. Maybe it’s just a bad dream I had.

So many well known names had been mentioned that I had wondered if Oprah’s name would come up in the files. So far there’s no evidence of involvement though there’s attempt to malign her. However, I was surprised to learn the story of John Of God, a Brazilian spiritual healer. He is convicted of sexual abuse and sentenced to over 100 years in jail. Oprah had featured him on her show in 2010 and 2013. It is fair to say that she promoted him.

From AI:

Oprah Winfrey described her 2012 visit to João Teixeira de Faria, known as “John of God,” as an “overwhelming sense of peace”. Following her visit, which aired on Oprah’s Next Chapter in 2013, she expressed fascination with his, at the time, highly regarded spiritual healing methods and “psychic surgeries”. X +4

I guess we can all be led astray. It is sad to learn that just because Oprah says something or someone is good doesn’t mean that it is. In this case it caused alot of harm. I wonder how much research Oprah’s team did before featuring him. This leads me to wonder about Dr. Oz and Dr. Phil. I haven’t followed Oprah for many years but I was an ardent fan.

Maybe I should shut up now. I am feeling better today but I probably am not in my right mind. Life is hazardous and scary. Maybe that’s what exciting is.

PJ Day

Posted on February 6, 2026 by hafong

Photo by RDNE Stock project on Pexels.com

February 6th. It’s grey as grey can be all day. I have taken a first day off from coffee with my father. I felt the not feeling great coming on so had prepared him yesterday. I spent most of the night awake and hydrating myself, trying to flush out those damn snow mold. I was successful in decreasing my coughing spells. But I feel limp as wet spaghetti. I had to cancel my lunch date and supper out at my favourite Japanese restaurant. I will probably have the rest of the porridge from my breakfast and lunch for supper.

It seemed appropriate to spend the day in my pjs and read up on Jeffery Epstein today. I wouldn’t be spoiling a beautiful day. I was already feeling lousy. It was alot of reading. It was massive. He knew and was connected to everybody, it seemed. That is everybody who had a name. I was shocked to read that Deepak Chopra was mentioned in the Epstein files. Goes to show how naive I am. Spirituality is big business and even priests can be corrupted. So why not Deepak? Still I am very disappointed to read about how he is using AI to highjack spiritual hunger.

Not a great way to spend a dreary afternoon but it’s good to get educated. There doesn’t seem to be much to cheer about. I feel crappy as hell. Another bout of coughing. I made another cup of Chrysanthemum tea. Let me see if I can work on my seed orders. I’m trying as best as I can. At least I’ve showered and changed into new pjs.

Distractions

Posted on February 5, 2026 by hafong

There’s a million and one distractions begging for my attention. It’s easy to be led astray. I have to ask myself again and again, what difference would they make in my life as each one comes up. Otherwise my days would be lost in the endless scrolling for information of no consequence. Mark Zuckerberg did me no favours for coming up with Facebook. I was happy enough before, not knowing everyone was having fun and travelling the world. That is everyone except me.

Do I really care how many friends they have, who they are and what they had for dinner? I never did before and I don’t think I really do now. Still, my fingers are itchy and want/need to scroll. They need to know. Not all distractions are bad or wasteful. Yesterday I discovered the page of Planet Gayle. It was a delightful find. It’s a daughter’s tribute to her wonderful and weird mother. Later in the day I came across Deanna Dikeman’s Instagram account. Seeing her photos made me want to take up my camera again. For 27 years, she took photographs as she waved good-bye and drove away from visiting her parents at their home in Sioux City, Iowa.

There are the good and bad of distractions. They can gobble up precious time which could have been better used. Then there are times when we need distractions that can trigger our troubled mind into a better place. It is up to me which way to go. I can use it or lose it.

On Planet Gayle

Posted on February 4, 2026 by hafong

Saskatoon is melting in February. It’s wet and messy. I imagine there’s alot of people happy with the warm temperature. Warm is nice but I know it’s climate change. I wonder what will it mean. I wonder what kind of spring and summer we will have. More uncertainties to deal with. Surprisingly I am not feeling too bad. I am not the sad sack that I have been lately. Perhaps I got off on the right foot this morning.

I learned of a woman named Gayle Noble on Instagram (@planet.gayle) this morning. Her daughter also has a Facebook page called Planet Gayle to share her mother’s uniqueness. This is how she is described:

“This is my absolutely weird, and absolutely wonderful mom, Gayle. She was larger than life. Everything she did was intense. She loved intensely.“

I could not be anything other than being cheered looking and reading all the posts. I encourage you to go and read about this wonderful unique human being.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

Tag Archives: life