PROCESSING, LEARNING

Posted on June 25, 2020 by hafong

There are times now I can smile instead of cry when I think of Sheba. When I woke this morning I heard the guy in the kitchen. It was like other mornings when Sheba was here on earth. The two of them would make coffee. Then I would hear the kibbles drop into Sheba’s bowl. I could hear her crunching- more thoughtful now that she’s older. I knew that this was in the past, but the sounds and feelings were the same. I was hearing the wonderful sounds of an ordinary morning. And I smiled.

Over yesterday and today, I’ve washed Sheba’s bowls and toys. I cried then, clinging to the doggy memories attached to these things. I will store them away. Maybe we will be graced with another tender canine heart in awhile. For now I will just be with how life is, not trying to fight or change anything. Some days are better than others but I am always making an effort. However small it is, it is my best effort at the time.

I hope I don’t sound too obsessed and depressing. I am a little melancholy by nature. I’m a little more so in my writing. It is my tool for venting and working through my thoughts, feelings and problems. I am by no means a slouch or a couch potato during this period of mourning. I still get up, dress up and show up every day. I might be operating on a slower speed.

It is another day. I’m still working on this post. I must be slow as molasses in winter. It is summer and we’ve just starting to have some warm days. I did find it difficult to get out of bed this morning. Not all mornings are equal. I was thinking there was no Sheba to get me up. So I must do it by myself. And I did. That’s pretty good, isn’t it?

ANOTHER A&W MORNING

Posted on November 9, 2019 by hafong

Life is messy. My house is messy. My head is messy. That’s how they feel to me. There’s a correlation between it all. I don’t know how to clean them up. I don’t know where to begin. I’m a little antsy. I’m a little stressed. I got a yen for something sweet. So I ate 2 little Coffee Crisp bars left from Hallowe’en. They’re very little. I’m having a green tea to counteract them. I know it’s faulty rationale but it is the best I can come up with.

I did enjoy the chocolate bars immensely. Sometimes I just have to indulge. I might as well get pleasure and not guilt from doing it. I did this the other day. I’ve just done it again today. I am feeling annoyed with everything in my universe lately. It’s just a feeling I’m not sure I’m entitled to. It helps me to tap about it. It helps to do something else besides obsessing about it. Nothing changes without action.

It’s about a week now since I wrote those words. It’s another Saturday – still my favourite day of the week. I haven’t fallen off my swimming wagon. I was late but I still showed up. I got in 16 lengths, in 30 minutes, 4 short of my usual 20. I was impressed with myself, feeling powerful. Not only that, yesterday I jumped up on 3 risers after our exercise class was over. Not long ago I was afraid to jump on just the platform without any risers. Every little extra thing I can do beyond myself gives me a little boost. It’s a good reason to indulge in an A&W whole enchilada breakfast.

My goal now is to get to the pool on time Saturday mornings and go for 22 lengths. I will practice a little while on jumping 3 risers till I gain enough confidence. Then I will try for 4 risers. It’s really mickey mouse when you look at this guy.

COUNTING MY BLESSINGS AND SQUASHES

Posted on August 21, 2018 by hafong

No matter how I feel, I get up, dress up and show up has been my mantra for a couple of years now. Getting up and dressing up are not difficult any more. However, showing up is. The more I don’t make a showing, the harder it is to do so. Blue skies are here again but my blues haven’t quite lifted. Maybe they never will completely. Maybe I should not obsesse about my moods so much. I should live and let live.

Easier said than done. Everything takes a huge amount of effort and energy. At least I find it so. Each night I go to bed thinking of all the things I want to do the next day. With each morning, I fall into ‘after my cup of tea, breakfast, read this and that’. Then I will begin. Before I know it, it is almost lunch time and I have to bring out the pots and pans. I go on the same merry-go-round – again. Does this sound familiar?

I’m living Bill Murray’s Groundhog Day. I am ashamed of myself. I am not living up to my expectations and certainly not my potential. But at least I am showing up here today. I am trying. I’ve gotten over my bluer than blue mood. I am not so overwhelmed with grief for our burning planet. I am just being with the awareness, accepting and going forward with my best foot forward.

I try to count my blessings. I am taking an inventory of our garden and harvest. Considering the extremes and weirdness of our summer, we’ve done well. Even with the heat and lack of rain the garden have given me 11 spaghetti and 10 butternut squashes and tons of Swedish beans. Isn’t that amazing? Considering I had a summer cold for a month, I was able to put in a full garden. True not everything did as well as the squashes and beans. But there was lettuce and spinach for salads. We had broccoli for a few meals, and enough snow peas for stir fries. Enough kohlrabi to make up for not so many tomatoes. Then there’s the chili peppers and……..

I’m rambling on and on. The sentences running into each other. The grammar something else. The words might not be making sense. I better call it quits. Till tomorrow then.

MY WAY

Posted on August 13, 2018 by hafong

I’ve decided that it’s better to show up than not. Better to make an effort than not. So here I am, sitting here, making an effort, tap, tapping away. These are the choices I’m making. They are easy when I’m feeling oh so fine. Not so when I’m not but they matter more then. It’s a measure of being a responsible adult. If I could have my drathers, I would like somebody else do it all for me. I have moments feeling like pouting and having a tantrum. I like to say, Make it better! But who would I say that to?

No one could do it better than me. Live my life, that is. I just have to suck it up and do it myself. Oh, I’ve made many a mistakes. I’ve seen my life flash before my eyes. I saw every frame of it. I wonder at myself. Why did I do this and that? What was I thinking/feeling at the time? Pain and regret would course through me. If I would be given another run at this life of mine, I probably would do the same damn things again. It was probably the best I could have done at the time.

There’s no such thing as a life of no regrets. That’s just my thoughts. We are but human. We are full of fallacies, contradictions and emotions. Who can honestly say that they’ve never look back with nostalgia or whatever, wishing for otherwise? Not I. I’ve been hearing Frank Sinatra in my head all day. His My Way speaks to the best in me. It certainly tugs at my heartstrings. I like to think that I’ve done it my way but I haven’t. Regrets I have many but I have done the best I could .

DREAMS AND SCREAMS

Posted on March 17, 2018 by hafong

Bummer! My left hip has been giving me some grief lately. It takes the pleasure out of going to the park with Sheba and everything else. Though I’ve cut our outings shorter and walking slower and with more care, I’m still suffering. I’m sure the weather is aggravating my arthritic bones. I can also feel my nasal and jaw bones aching. It’s all on my left side where I feel most of the tension. So a tylenol and some yoga later, I’m attending to business.

I had a dream again last night. I am sure I do it every night. Only most of the time I don’t remember. I couldn’t remember much this morning either but I knew I had dreamt. I was opened to let it come back to me. It did. It did not involve an intruder. It was rather mundane so no screaming. Talking about dreaming and screaming, I realize now that I do scream out loud. When I dreamt about ghosts sitting and paralyzing me, I felt I couldn’t get my screams out. In reality I must have screamed and screamed. That was scared the cat off the bed and NOT the ghost. I was living alone then. I had no idea.

Now that I’ve had supper and a glass of wine, my hip feels a bit better. I try not to favour it too much and get totally out of alignment. Already I’m walking like Charlie Chaplin without a cane. Some days are better than others but today was not a total loss. I did not get any transplanting seedlings done. Nor did I make it to swimming. But I did get to a class on quilting software at The Sewing Machine Store this morning. I coloured another cloth with Inktense blocks and heat setted the colours with a dry iron. It seemed to work. No colour run-offs when I washed the block under the tap. Little blocks of success – that’s all I ask for. They do add up to make the big picture. Time to say good night.

BEING A STEADY EDDY

Posted on March 15, 2018 by hafong

Funny how the weather can affect my body. My mind is delighted with the bright sunshine. My physical body is voicing its displeasure. The whole of me hurts as if I’m being fried alive. It doesn’t feel any better ‘resting’ so I try to move and do my stuff as best I can. Prepping a cloth square for free motion sewing takes my mind off the pain. No point sitting and suffering. I might as well spot clean messy areas that bug me – the bathroom and the backdoor mats.

I’m reaping the reward of ‘keeping up’. On days like this, I can afford to ‘slack off’/take it a bit easier. I’m getting the hang of living life block by block, being Steady Eddy. No more burning the candle at both ends, then die sputtering thereafter. The wind has whipped up. It is chilling. I’m not hankering on taking Sheba out for her walk. But I will – after I’ve sit a spell and tapped another sentence or two.

I have done well. I feel somewhat better after taking my parents to the library, then coffee. My mother still likes to read and learn about everything. My father likes the outing. It was an easy thing for me to do for them. It didn’t feel that way before I went. But once I start, I had to keep going. The outing broke up my fatigue and discomforts. Now, to bundle up against the wind and take the dog out. The exercise will do us good.

We’re back. The wind was not bad with my hood up. The walk eased the ache in my back and hips. It’s like getting a lube job. It’s true what they say. If you don’t use it, you’re going to lose it. I’m feeling delicious now, sipping a cuppa and eating a sweet Chinese pastry. One doesn’t feel quite enough, but I will refrain. Tomorrow is another day. Stretching out the goodness.

A MICRO HISSY FIT

Posted on March 9, 2018 by hafong

Having a micro moment of irritation. Wasted a couple of hours following through not procrastinating on ‘need to do’ chores. Was on hold for too long waiting for the ‘next available’ receptionist at the Veterinary Clinic to make appointment for Sheba’s yearly checkup. Was not successful. Should have waited till Monday as I was inclined. Then wasted more time online trying to register for President’s Choice Optimum card. After a bunch of Oops, something went wrong! it worked somehow. Why don’t everybody scrap their frigging points cards and sell at the proper price. Instead, they choose to make us jump through hoops for points. And we obey!

Okay, micro hissy fit over. I have to unwind from the day. My head is as usual full or empty. It’s not working well is what I mean. I am as usual tired. I thought I was done with the whining. It’s my end of day jabbering. Pay no mind. I’ve paid my bills so I’m happy about that. Also had an awesome exercise class this morning. And an interesting conversation with someone. Sheba and I had a good outing at the park after lunch. She could be a little more mellow though. Such a frisky gal for coming 12 years old.

What I need is a little supper and a glass of wine. I am sure I will mellow out after that. Still I am happy to be here, tapping out a few words and thoughts. I picked up some new ideas on Instagram for painting on cloth to use with free motion sewing. It has exciting possibilities. I haven’t thought about cloth as a medium before. Now I see it doesn’t have to be complicated. It is as simple as wetting my cloth. Then to draw or paint with my Inktense blocks, which is what I did on the underside of my cloth. When it dries, I will free motion sew on the top side, following the contours of the flower pattern,

I’m not talking as coherently as I could but doing my best at this time of the day. Good thing I’m not sipping wine yet. I will soon.

ON A LONELY PLANET

Posted on February 14, 2018 by hafong

So tomorrow is here. I am as tired as can be. I am tired of being a warrior, getting up, dressing up and showing up but here I am – out of habit. It’s not a bad thing though it would be better if I have some cheer. But faking it when I don’t is adequate. It’s my best for today. I am not looking for sympathy. I do not feel sorry for myself either. Some days are better than others. Today is not a better day but it is getting better. I am not as tired as this morning.

Life is pretty dang hard. I find I am living on the lonely planet surrounded by darkness. It is hard to find that crack where the light gets in. But I still choose to get up, dress up and show up. I guess I am still a hopeful person. Where there is life, there is hope. How inane but so true. Sometimes I’m not graceful getting up. I stumble and fall. Some days I don’t brush the bed out of my head till noon. I don’t show up at exercise class.

But I always show up for my life. I wash my face, brush my teeth and greet the day somehow or another. Sheba gets her walk no matter sun, rain, sleet or snow. Today was cloudy with blowing snow. The wind gusted up to a gale. It was pretty wicked on top of the hill at the dog park. The saving grace was it was not cold. This past week we’ve found pleasure in our old park. It’s where we first hung out when Sheba was a puppy. It’s where she learned to butt sniff and romp with her own kind. Yesterday, we ran into Sheba’s sister, Shadow there. I can’t really say there was a joyous reunion. They sniffed and circled each other. We, the moms said, Oh, they look like sisters! Sheba is coming 12, I said. So is Shadow, her mom said. Shadow? Did you get her from….And that’s how we knew they were sisters.

No Sister Shadow there today but there were a few hardy souls and dogs. Though snowy and gusty, it wasn’t too bad. I pulled up my hood and zipped up the parka and followed the group. I think Sheba was the lone senior dog. But she gave it her best, made a few dashes and passes at the pups. I felt my heart opened up watching them play. My purple mitts were an attraction so I walked holding my hands up. Otherwise, I’m sure they would dash off with them in their teeth.

So the day goes. You do one thing, then another. I stopped in and visited with my parents. Their world is shrinking and so is mine. Why don’t I expand it just a little for us today. I always enjoy a cuppa with my mom. My father likes to listen in. It’s okay he doesn’t converse much. That’s his way. Mom tells me news of her friends and the books she’s read. She’s quite on top of things, the ways of the world and people. She sees that the world is changing. People are spending more time online and within themselves. She finds that it is also a lonely planet and we are like cartoon characters on the screen. I thank my mom in my mind for seeing what I see. I don’t feel quite as lonely then.

The day is almost over. It is dark outside. I shall pour myself a glass of wine and not think of anything important till the morning.

NO TOOLS, NO WORDS

Posted on January 25, 2018 by hafong

These days everything feels difficult and messy. Life, painting, writing, organizing – the list is long and endless. No amount of tools can fix things. I just plod along, one foot in front of the other, my eyes on the ground. I don’t want to stumble and fall. If I can’t make progress, at least I can stay status quo and not regress. I am not suffering or in any acute distress. I’m just saying. Is it a bad habit? I try to keep it here in my own space, sanitized and contained. I don’t want to pollute myself or anybody else. So even if I’m not on cloud nine, I can put on a good face and smile.

How’s it for you this January? I find it extremely strange and unsettling to see black dirt and grass showing. Nothing is like it used to be. Have you notice? I think we/I better get used to that. The world has gone amok, topsy-turvey, crazy, mad, awry and me with it. It feels like demons are coming out of the woodwork, every girl/woman has been sexually molested and every man is a predator. What happened? Did someone open a can of worms? Was it the Donald?

This is really not smiling or putting on a good face. Today I’m lacking the tools and the skills. I better just pull up my socks instead. But I did put in a good day. Got up, dressed up and showed up. I made some roasted chicken and stir fried cabbage wraps for lunch and tended the household chores. Sheba and I put in a couple of hours at the guy’s workshop. We stirred expoxy mix for his fiber glassing the boat. Now I’m struggling finding words but I’m doing my best.

RISE AND SHINE

Posted on May 9, 2015 by hafong

It is Saturday. The sun rises and shines through the windows. The shadows dance on the wall. I am summoned by the day to rise and shine my best, however much I can. I have been tried and challenged this last while. It is no drama, though dramatic. The details are stowed away in the recesses of my mind – to be examined at a better time.

For now I bask in the warmth of a sunny May morning, happy to find my words and to feel the tap, tap of the keyboard. Each click is soothing beneath my fingertips. Each click is unlocking the fetters and releasing the angst from my body. I am recovering the ME of me. I am feeling the sweet melody of life in my body. I can surely rise and shine with the sun.

I can feel the pull of sewing that sail cover for Rod. The bedding plants are clamouring to be out in the sun. Life is calling.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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