PROCESSING

I am not organized today. That’s the way it goes – up and down or just treading water. Life is a process, each day unique unto itself. I guess that is why THEY say treasure it – for it will never come again. Sometimes I beg to differ though, like now. We seem to be reliving the same day of the Covid and of the cold. I am not complaining. I am healthy. I am safe. I am at ease. I wear my mask. I social distance. I check the numbers each day – number of deaths, number of new cases.

Each afternoon, we bundle up in our warm clothes and head out to the ski trails in our neighbourhood park. We warm up/cool down walking there. We sweat and get our heart rates up doing our laps around the park. I set my timer on my iPhone so I can monitor my progress. I like to know if I am on the right track and improving. I like to make corrections before I am too far set into bad forms. I am very happy today with my best time of 10:02.42 minutes on my 2nd lap around the park. I could feel that I was improving on my glide. I did not have to work as hard -pushing, huffing and puffing. Skiing is a process. I have to do the time and the distance.

Most of the day is gone. I’m looking at 5:30 in the afternoon. The sun is still out. It is -26℃ outside. It was -37℃ this morning. In the greenhouse, it is still 16.5℃. I can’t believe its high was 26.7 ℃ at 1:49 pm. But then the low was also -26.9℃ at 8:24 am. And just like that the sun has set while I’m tapping and the temperature in the greenhouse has dropped to 4.6℃. Not time to do spring planting yet. Patience, my dear.

So ends another Groundhog day. I’m getting a taste of what Bill Murray in that movie. I’m using too many excuses for the same old, same old. No excuses now. It is that I am just lazy and stuck in my daily routine. I am not lazy generally, just in changing habits. I pat myself on the back after I get back from skiing. I think I’m heroic and have done alot. Therefore I need to treat myself to a cuppa, a snack and Netflix. Before I know it, a couple of hours are gone. And I go: Oh, my God! I’ll do better tomorrow.

PROCESSING, LEARNING

There are times now I can smile instead of cry when I think of Sheba. When I woke this morning I heard the guy in the kitchen. It was like other mornings when Sheba was here on earth. The two of them would make coffee. Then I would hear the kibbles drop into Sheba’s bowl. I could hear her crunching- more thoughtful now that she’s older. I knew that this was in the past, but the sounds and feelings were the same. I was hearing the wonderful sounds of an ordinary morning. And I smiled.

Over yesterday and today, I’ve washed Sheba’s bowls and toys. I cried then, clinging to the doggy memories attached to these things. I will store them away. Maybe we will be graced with another tender canine heart in awhile. For now I will just be with how life is, not trying to fight or change anything. Some days are better than others but I am always making an effort. However small it is, it is my best effort at the time.

I hope I don’t sound too obsessed and depressing. I am a little melancholy by nature. I’m a little more so in my writing. It is my tool for venting and working through my thoughts, feelings and problems. I am by no means a slouch or a couch potato during this period of mourning. I still get up, dress up and show up every day. I might be operating on a slower speed.


It is another day. I’m still working on this post. I must be slow as molasses in winter. It is summer and we’ve just starting to have some warm days. I did find it difficult to get out of bed this morning. Not all mornings are equal. I was thinking there was no Sheba to get me up. So I must do it by myself. And I did. That’s pretty good, isn’t it?

 

PROCESSING AND REROUTING

I’m torn between doing and being. It’s never difficult for me to just be. There are many things calling out to be done.  Much as I believe FlyLady’s motto, You are not behind, this tug of war today have caused me to be behind. It has drained some of my energy. I feel somewhat irked. I’ll listen to the FlyLady’s advice and jump in where I am. I had subscribed to their emails to help organize and get out of chaos. It didn’t work for me.  I  read the emails but I didn’t do the stuff. After awhile I stopped even reading the emails. I have to find my own way. What I really want to do right now is read a little more of I is for Innocent with my coffee. So, I’ll be back later.


So later is another day. I ran out of steam, desire and time yesterday. I’m still suffering from the first two reasons. I’m still in my pjs but the lunch dishes are done. I’m letting the Roomba have its way in the kitchen. That’s what I do to miminize the getting behind stuff. I’ve become wily when I’m lazy with no energy. That’s why the good Lord gave us a brain. You know what they say. A rest is as good as a change. I’m processing – letting me rest a bit and letting things perk on their own. I’m listening to my GPS. Reroute! Reroute! I’ve finally heard.

I’ve just read another post from Julie Yip William’s blog called Love. It is a letter to her husband. Julie has passed away in March from colon cancer. I have no adequate words to describe it. You will have to read for yourself. Her words and insights are as profound as Paul Kalanithi’s When Breath Becomes Air.  Perhaps it’s their subject, death. Perhaps it’s their Asian background. I first learned of Paul from an article in Stanford Medicine’s journal called Before I Go. Yet another wonderful blog from an Asian writer living in Finland, is A Leaf in Springtime. I came across it a few years ago. She is a survivor of breast cancer.

I feel grateful stumbling across these writers. Grateful for their generosity of sharing their journeys. Words and stories are transformative. They are part of my GPS system. There is no reason to wander, lost in the wilderness when there are the words of those who went before us and those are here to lend us a guiding hand. To them, I say a big thank you.