F IS FOR FED UP

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Do you get fed up sometimes? Today I feel at the maximum fed up level. February is l-o-n-g. I had set out at the start with such heart felt hope. This was suppose to be my feel good month. Not that anything is wrong or that I’ve been plagued with a truckload of disasters. None of that. I just feel such malaise even though the sky is blue and the sun is shining. I need another cup of decaf.

Perhaps it is because of my recent sinusitis of the past week and a half. Not that it was such a struggle. It was a tad tougher than my usual state for I am forever complaining a lack of energy, of joie de vivre. I’m fed up with being a wet blanket, a party pooper and being my worse enemy. It’s good to let it all out. This is my space, my confessional. It is where I come to cleanse my mind and soul.

It doesn’t help that my sleep is disturbed lately. I had nightmares a couple of nights back. I screamed and screamed in my sleep. I thought it was only in my dreams. I was stuck in an elevator with unsavory man. I was scared to death. In my dream, I had trouble getting my screams out. It wasn’t so in real life. I woke the guy and Sheba as well. Then last night, I had trouble getting to sleep. I got up and read awhile. Luckily that helped. I slept and dreamt as well. Lucky it was not a nightmare. I dreamt about little cupcakes. The cost was $15 for 15. I guess the cost is nightmarish. I wonder if it was those little unsavory Italian meatballs that triggered the dream.

It really helps to tap out my feelings, whatever they are. I was seeing the world through bleak eyes. I couldn’t see the point of anything. The world is gone to hell in a hand basket:

  • The war in Syria. Seeing the dead babies on the evening news.
  • The school shooting in Florida. Hearing a politician saying the teachers need to have guns when the students were crying for gun control

These are the two weighing heavily on top of all the others right now. What can be done to make the world and humans better? Being fed up is not the answer I know. Now the question is how do I get out of it? I bet Oprah would say, Live your best life. A good answer, I’m sure but it won’t do for me. It’s too generalized, too neat. I have to chip, tap and hack my way out bit by bit.

I’m a fan of Sue Grafton. You’ve probably deduced it by the title of this blog. Her detective series is just what I need on my not so buoyant days. Janet  Evanovich is in the same genre. I’m glad it’s women that help me get through the tough days. Their energy, humour and narrative story telling take me away from the moody blues into adventure and laughs. I have to love that.

So another day comes to an end. I’ve limped through it but I’m still standing. I’ve gotten up, dressed up and shown up. I had to work a little harder at it. It was my Olympic effort, not a Gold Medal but nothing wrong with a Bronze. My mantra was I can do this. I can do this. So it went. Now I have a few more trays seeded – 3 kinds of tomatoes and geraniums. The petunias and chili peppers have germinated. Things do look hopeful. The effort is worth it.

When I have a Sheba, I have to make an effort. She wears my moods so I had to show her that I was okay. Nothing to worry about. She is safe and cared for. She is her confident and happy self again.

 

 

NO ENERGY BUNNY

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Thank God for packaged cooked food ! Even though they are made with Italian herbs and spices, they are not as savory as their write up. They are rather flat, but on days like today I’m grateful for them. I can just pour the meatballs onto a baking sheet, put it into the hot oven and voilà – lunch in 15 minutes. I just add a salad and warm up some leftover rice.

The morning is cold. Sheba is pesky and underfoot because she didn’t get her morning walk. She makes us pay. We will bundle up after lunch and go to the dog park. I am not 100% but it is easier to let her run, off leash. By then the temperature will be more reasonable. For now, I am enjoying a little quiet and a cup of chamomile tea before turning the oven on. That extra heat will be welcomed.

Though my fatigue is less, I can’t seem to get warm enough. Once I get sick, it takes me a long time to recover. But I’m thankful my symptons are mild this time. I’m prone to respiratory ailments probably due to my congenital undeveloped frontal sinuses. I’ve learned to live with the condition better over the years. What is important for me is clean moist air. It has been over 3 years since I’ve been really sick. I’m grateful but it’s still an irritation not to have the energy of an EverReady Bunny. I have so many things I want to do.

It’s a good thing, my ever present desire to do. I mustn’t knock myself but learn to temper it to a healthy level. It was not a hard thing to do today. I have that desire to pamper myself a little on such a cold morning. I crossed exercise class off my list. Really, I have no energy to huff and puff, on and off the step. I had pushed myself too hard the previous weeks working at a level of 9 out of 10. 8 is well good enough. In a while after a rest, Sheba and I will try to do 2 rounds at the park. That is exercise enough for today.

 

NO LIVES TO SAVE

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Right about this time in the day, I start to sag. I feel like Medusa with a head full of venomous snakes. I haven’t turned anyone looking at me into stone – yet. This is probably a good time for me to disengage from anything important. But here I am, tapping my fingers away. Tomorrow, I will try to ease off a little earlier. I can’t wise up overnight. It might even take longer than a week. That’s the procrastinator in me. I’m sure it’s in you, too.

I am so glad I don’t have to job to go to. I’m still feeling a tad under the weather. Brings back memories of when I was still working. Mornings like this, I’ll be sweating up the nerve to phone in sick. I always feel guilty unless I’m sick enough for life support. I always doubt myself but I can’t make myself go to work. After much back and forth – yes, no, I would make that call. I’M SICK! I’m so relieved that I don’t have to make those calls. I can just roll over with no guilt and have a few extra winks. I don’t have to dish out any pills except my own, no bedpanning, no lives to save. What a holiday!

Today is a holiday – Family Dday. We thought we would take in Remai Modern, our new art gallery. It was a free admission day. But it was too much of a good thing. There was a long line up outside. We decided to keep driving and went for lunch instead. It was a much nicer time at Thien Vietnam 2 Restaurant.

It’s another day or evening – Tuesday, February 20th. I ran out of steam yesterday and quit mid blog. Sometimes I have to do that. So here I am again, in the closing hours of the day. I’m not any further ahead than yesterday but it is real life. I had trouble getting in Sheba’s walk but I got it done. Hard to say no when she’s been waiting patiently all afternoon. I am showing up today just to close shop. It’s closing time and Leonard is playing in my head right this minute. My jukebox function is still intact. It’s great to have him sing me out.

HAVE COUCH, WILL FLY

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I do listen to my body eventually. When you are on a roll as they say, it is hard to put the brakes on. But it is protesting loudly so I can’t stay on the cruise control. I have to give the brakes a tap and change to a more comfortable speed. I watched the Winter Olympics last night without doing anything else. Even if it’s the mindless knitting of a scarf, part of the mind is engaged and consuming energy. It was a very relaxing cathartic experience to be a couch potato watching the men’s free style skiing. My mind’s wrinkles loosened and smoothed. It was as if it was I who was flying free in the air. What a way to travel without leaving the couch! I should do it more often.

I’m doctoring myself with some home grown, home made dandelion tea. I’m feeling a tad under the weather. Too much winter and too many days of trotting in the wind at the park with Sheba. It’s caught up with me today. I’m trying to rescue/salvage myself before I tipple over with a cold/sinus condition. I think it’s working. I am not so shivery cold, tired and achy. Good on me. I hate being laid up, even slightly.

My day is at a slower pace but I’m getting stuff done. You see how obsessive I am, still talking about getting things done. I had to set the timer for 3 minutes so that I could sit for a full 2 minutes of meditation. I probably need to do it twice a day. Then I need to increase it by a minute regularly. I read outloud a few pages of The Wolf Border by Sarah Hall. Have you read it? It is very good. I tend to rush and skim, so by reading outloud, I have to read every word. I hope to slow myself down and not expend useless energy and missing some of the narrative besides. I am impatient with everything I do. I’m doing an auto correct on myself.

This is who I am. I’m a fiddler – fiddling with the order of things to find better tunes. It’s senseless doing the same things and expecting a different outcome. I can’t remember who originated that phrase – Wayne Dyer or Dr. Phil. Maybe it was Oprah. I’m grateful to whoever it was. It is now 5 pm. I’m finishing my cup of tea. The bread is out of the oven. Sheba’s been walked. I’ve painted my watercolour index cards. I wasn’t sure about everything but there are no MUST DOs. Only what I can do today. I am tired now but pleased.

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING

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I’m sitting in front of my keyboard trying for letters and words. Sheba is misbehaving and barky. We’ve been to the park. We did our two rounds. There were many dogs there since it’s Saturday. Sheba was happy just to sniff and amble at a leisurely pace. No chasing and messing much with other dogs. I guess she knew they were too fast for her. I can’t really blame her. I feel the same. I was tired before we got there. Two rounds were more than enough. Two old girls. At least we’re out and still trying.

I’ve been feeling very tough this week. We might have to cut back our outings to the park. Walking on uneven terrain and packed snow is tiring me out. It might be good to cut back on other things as well. I need to carve out some empty times for resting the body and mind. My days are filled with doing. I feel like a dentist. His assistant prepares and set up the patients. He goes down the line, one after another, like an assembly line. I do the same, doing one thing after another. I’m lacking time to process. I must get off this treadmill.

Too much of a good thing can be hazardous. The challenge now is how and what to cut back. I enjoy everything I’m doing – my art, writing, reading, knitting, needlework, learning my new sewing maching, my exercise classes…. My enjoyments are addictive. I guess I need to schedule ‘nothing’ periods in.

 

THE YEAR OF THE DOG

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Gong Hee Fat Choy! Happy Chinese New Year. I am bushed! I don’t know how I managed a job before retirement. I’m not wearing red. I didn’t clean house in preparation for the new year. I vacuumed today. Oops! Well, it’s not sweeping. I’m not sweeping out my good fortune. It’s hard to observe my cultural traditions living so apart from my people. Aside from family, I don’t know that many Chinese people. I have no Chinese friends. I’m lacking in so many ways, negating much of what I set out to do. We will have our family New Year supper on Sunday – a day of rest for those who work.

That’s how life is going for me – negotiating and changing. I’m not sure it it’s for the better or it is just different. That’s how the world is. It’s changing so fast I’m often left breathless. I’m trying to keep up. I’m here, aren’t I, tapping as fast as I can. I am often confused and puzzled. Most of the time I’m cranky, in a mood. I wonder how I can get out of myself. I think of things I can do. What do I have to change? The rule I have when I come to this space is to leave on a higher note. I might tell you how I am feeling, what space I am in. But it is always about me and not anybody else. I try to be objective and not to crank out my personal biases. Hit me on the head if I do.

That is one thing I’m proud of – my words here. It leads me to think on what Caroline Myss says about the power of words.  “A mystical perspective: Your words are your power tools. Each word you use initiates an act of creation and is a thread holding together a part of the fabric of your life. Take one word out of your vocabulary and all the creative power that that word contains evaporates from your life. Take the word “love” out, for example, and everything you understand, know, feel, and experience about “love” would no longer exist.”

I’ve been thinking about a word that I would like to eliminate from my speech. It’s difficult to think of one. I don’t like ‘hate’ but it’s not one I use often. What I say alot is I don’t care. I use it often in self defence/protection. I’m not sure if I mean it. I am giving it meaning by saying it. By eliminating it, it means I do care. Everything matters. I will see how that difference will play in my attitude and well-being.

Today is the first day of the lunar year, the Year of the Dog. Sheba, the dog and I went to the park to celebrate. The sky and clouds were awesome. I saw the sun drift in and out of the clouds. It was travelling so fast it was hard to capture on the camera. Another reminder how fast life and time moves. Don’t think too much and hesitate too long. Put one foot in front of the other and do another lap around the park or wherever you want to go.

TWO IS ENOUGH

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I am somewhat obsessive by nature. Once I hook onto something it is hard to stop or to be moderate. Now that Sheba and I have found our old off-leash dog park again, we’re quite taken with it. I pack her up every afternoon and we do our walk there. It’s much easier walking hands free than with a dog on a rope. I love climbing up the hill, feel the breeze and gaze up at the blue of the sky and the traffic on the freeway below. I feel the weight lifting off my shoulders. I am alone in my desert.

Though I am weary coming through the gate, I am rejuvenated by the fresh air and open space. It is a very meditative walk as we go round and round. Though I intend to do just two laps, I am often tempted to do another and another. I have good sense enough to stop at 3, remembering Sheba and I are in our senior years. Today I was happy to stop at two. It is enough. Sometimes more is too much, leading to injury and illness. We have to save something for tomorrow.

 

ON A LONELY PLANET

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So tomorrow is here. I am as tired as can be. I am tired of being a warrior, getting up, dressing up and showing up but here I am – out of habit. It’s not a bad thing though it would be better if I have some cheer. But faking it when I don’t is adequate. It’s my best for today. I am not looking for sympathy. I do not feel sorry for myself either. Some days are better than others. Today is not a better day but it is getting better. I am not as tired as this morning.

Life is pretty dang hard. I find I am living on the lonely planet surrounded by darkness. It is hard to find that crack where the light gets in. But I still choose to get up, dress up and show up. I guess I am still a hopeful person. Where there is life, there is hope. How inane but so true. Sometimes I’m not graceful getting up. I stumble and fall. Some days I don’t brush the bed out of my head till noon. I don’t show up at exercise class.

But I always show up for my life. I wash my face, brush my teeth and greet the day somehow or another. Sheba gets her walk no matter sun, rain, sleet or snow. Today was cloudy with blowing snow. The wind gusted up to a gale. It was pretty wicked on top of the hill at the dog park. The saving grace was it was not cold. This past week we’ve found pleasure in our old park. It’s where we first hung out when Sheba was a puppy. It’s where she learned to butt sniff and romp with her own kind. Yesterday, we ran into Sheba’s sister, Shadow there. I can’t really say there was a joyous reunion. They sniffed and circled each other. We, the moms said, Oh, they look like sisters! Sheba is coming 12, I said. So is Shadow, her mom said. Shadow? Did you get her from….And that’s how we knew they were sisters.

No Sister Shadow there today but there were a few hardy souls and dogs. Though snowy and gusty, it wasn’t too bad. I pulled up my hood and zipped up the parka and followed the group. I think Sheba was the lone senior dog. But she gave it her best, made a few dashes and passes at the pups. I felt my heart opened up watching them play. My purple mitts were an attraction so I walked holding my hands up. Otherwise, I’m sure they would dash off with them in their teeth.

So the day goes. You do one thing, then another. I stopped in and visited with my parents. Their world is shrinking and so is mine. Why don’t I expand it just a little for us today. I always enjoy a cuppa with my mom. My father likes to listen in. It’s okay he doesn’t converse much. That’s his way. Mom tells me news of her friends and the books she’s read. She’s quite on top of things, the ways of the world and people. She sees that the world is changing. People are spending more time online and within themselves. She finds that it is also a lonely planet and we are like cartoon characters on the screen. I thank my mom in my mind for seeing what I see. I don’t feel quite as lonely then.

The day is almost over. It is dark outside. I shall pour myself a glass of wine and not think of anything important till the morning.

TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY

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I have to say I’m as tired as could be. Not that it was that full a day but it’s an accumulation of days. Though it is difficult to have the clarity of mind, I am here none the less. Sometimes just showing up can rejuvenate. I’m a wilting Lily getting a little water. Give me a few moments to perk up.

Maybe it would be wise for me to get some rest. I can still show up but I don’t have to run my battery at full throttle. It is not a must do or die thing. There’s no demand for my services really. I have no bosses to answer to, no job to show up for.  It is just my own obsessions. So sit back, have a cup of tea or sip that glass of wine. Tomorrow is another day.

 

THE EVENING OF THE DAY

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It is the end of the day. I feel I could break into that Rolling Stone song, As Tears Go By. Do you know that my head is like a jukebox, full of songs? It can be triggered by a thought or a phrase. I would hear a song play in my head – all for free. The melody and words to As Tears Go By is lovely. This video is lovely, too, even if Mick is not any longer. It’s worth a watch.

I have to admit that I don’t listen to much music any more except to the stuff in my head. It would do me good if I would take the time to sit and just listen. Do you take the time? There’s always something else and so much of other stuff calling my name. How can I just sit, not do anything except listen to music? I can’t just watch television. I have to knit all the while. I can’t just sit and drink tea. I have to read also. I wasn’t always like this. I wonder what happened and when.

My head is not an orderly neural network. The streets and avenues within intersect, crisscross haphazardly every which way. No compass or GPS could help me. I could try music therapy. I could try to just sit, drink tea and listen to music. I could try to do that for one cup of tea once a day. I could try it for a month and see what would happen to my head.