SUNDAY JOY

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Sunday, God’s day of rest. I lingered in bed a little longer, nesting in the warmth of the comforter. Nothing on my agenda. No need for rushing and crashing. Yet at the same time, it’s not a license to sloth either. I swing my legs over the edge and head to the bathroom. Face washed and teeth brushed, I ran the brush through my bed head. Not pretty but almost not frightening. It will do for now.

The days are getting longer now. It was still light at 6 pm yesterday. This stretch of February has been wonderfully sunny. The cold has not been bad though the temperature is -23 degrees Celius at this moment. The sun is streaming into the room. The dog and I are toasty warm. I love to linger in this sunny space. It is a good place to work in and on this morning.

I am experimenting with rescheduling to find what are the best times to do anything. It seems l’m just treading water and not getting anywhere. I know it’s not true – just perceptions of my mood. It would also be of benefit if I chart my moods as to the time of day/month/seasons. I am always working at something, aren’t I? That’s my nature. I like to make ‘improvements’ on myself. Nothing stays the same. It’s best to change for the better, don’t you think?

That’s where I am going – for the better. It’s taken me a long time but I got it. It’s not always about me – that caused it, that has to fix everything or anything. I’ve finally curbed my delusion of being Atlas. I don’t have to, I cannot hold up the sky for eternity. I am but an ordinary human being. I love the smallness of my ordinary life. I am happy to putter along, one small step at a time.

STRUGGLES

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This time in the afternoon is definitely not my best in terms of energy and mood. I am sapped and droopy. I am not sounding my most up nor energetic. I probably whine alot. I should try changing my schedule. But you know how difficult that can be. I am sort like Sheba now with habits. Once I’m in a rut, I need a crowbar to get me out of there. Mind you, some ruts are healthy – like my Saturday morning swim. My thinking brain didn’t like the idea. It started telling me how dark it is that time of the morning. But my body was craving it. It tells me it’s Saturday morning. It’s time for my swim. My body won that one.

My brain is now struggling to find the words, my body trying to find the energy. They both are searching and scanning for some purpose and meaning to what is this all about.

My search was not at all fruitful. I had to abandon and let it rest. It is now bedtime. Sometimes it is wise not to dig so hard for purpose and meaning. I have to give up on some struggles. Live and let live. Do not ask questions that have no answers. Do not expect others to agree with me. Do not expect others to change. Be the change I want to see. I am finally learning to speak for myself and of myself. Peace. Sleep well. I hope to do better tomorrow.

PUTTING OFF WHATEVER I CAN

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Can you believe it? I’m experiencing the same feeling as yesterday, the day before and the day before that. I want to put off – practically everything:

  • Taking my car in. It has another recall. I do hate deciding when and phoning for an appointment.
  • Clearing my desk and the piles in the basement. I grow instantly tired and sleepy with the thought. I have nightmares thinking about Income Tax time and rounding up all the paper stuff.
  • Writing but here I am, out of habit, tap, tapping out my anguish.
  • Updating my will even though I am getting older by the minute.
  • My life – what do I want to do with the rest of it?

That’s just the tip of the iceberg as they say. Right this moment I want to close my eyes and make everything disappear. Since I don’t know any magic, I’ll just tap and sip my tea. Maybe that will be magic enough. I wouldn’t mind some toast and jam later. I’ve worked off my lunch walking and talking with God at the park. It’s a windy afternoon, but I had my Linda Lundstrom parka on. The hood blocked the wind well. I was snug as a bug. The fur baby and I did 3 laps around the park. We had good company, too, the two legged and four-legged kind.

Well, I guess this is enough putting off. I best get at the toast and jam. Otherwise it’ll be supper time. I did set up an appointment for Tuesday morning to get some pointers on my new Bernina sewing machine. It has alot of gizmo on it. I should learn how to operate it properly and not by gosh and darn.

 

 

 

COMMUNING ON THE MOUNT

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I very seldom sit in silence unless I’m reading a book. So let me clarify and say I’m seldom unengaged. I’m always listening, reading or watching something. My head is full of stuff – noise, news, gossip, emotions. Yes, I have to say I process feelings up there, too. Feelings invade my whole body. Dissatisfaction and envy makes me feel bad all over. Have you experienced it? It’s difficult to explain. I don’t really like to talk about it except here, where I can just mutter and tap without interruption or judgement.

I like to think I’m just going through seasonal and daily moods. I like to think I’m like everyone else. It’s not bad to have dissatisfactions and envy. I’m just being human. And isn’t it good that I have outlets? I get to spit out all this garbage on the page. I’m not poisoning myself holding it in and no one has to listen. Then I move on.

It’s another day. I have moved on. It’s another glorious sunny afternoon. Sheba and I will have another saunter in the park. Maybe we will find a few dogs to romp with. It’s good by ourselves, too. I like the peace and quiet of yesterday. Not too many souls about. It was mostly us and God. I got to commune with him on the mount in the crispness of the winter, under the blue of the sky. I heard and felt his presence. I AM HERE. Do not be afraid.

I believe him. We have communed in another time, another place. He has led me out of the shadow into the light. I am thankful for this opportunity and time in the desert. I can lay aside my thoughts, doubts, and fears. I will dwell in the wisdom of silence and nonjudgement. I will listen to the knowledge laden air. I will be patient and hold my tongue. My kingdom lies in the silence.

 

KABBALAH – THE TREE OF LIFE

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It’s after 5 in the afternoon. I am sitting and tapping amid all the clutter on my desk. Feeling the fullness of the day. I am tired. I did say after seeding my mother’s and mine petunias and some chili peppers that I would be okay if I don’t get anything else done. And so I am. I’ve done a few more things so I am in double and triple happiness. I’m sucking on some Smarties also, pushing my happiness through the roof.

I’m exploring The Tree of Life –Kabbalah– with Caroline Myss. I’m taking the cosmic online journey into the ten powers of my soul. It’s an ambitious undertaking but I got the rest of my life to do it. It goes hand in hand with my exploration of my Bernina 790. Let me make a goal of creating the tree of life on it in 6 months. I have to set the goal and the time frame. It’s that basket to shoot for. Lent is coming up. It’s time for me to go into the desert to study and create.

It’s been awhile since I’ve been in the desert. I miss it -the quiet and stillness. I close my eyes and I can feel its loving arms around me. I can hear the whisper of his voice in the air. His presence surrounds me. I am comforted. I am on the right path. I will be happy to spend time there. What will you be doing during Lent?

 

THINKING ABOUT THINGS

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I was thinking about the other night when I fell instantly asleep. It was very strange and wonderful. I got into bed, laid down. There was not a thought in my head, not a feeling in my mind. I noted the feeling or rather, the no feeling. Then I was gone – to sleep. It’s recent enough I still remember it clearly. Thinking about the other night starts a song playing in my head. It’s a pretty and lively tune. My head is a regular jukebox.

I’m thinking about things. It’s not very often that my head is empty so the other night was significant. That’s a moment worth repeating. The reason why I fell asleep so effortlessly was because of my week of physical activity. I’ve been making it a priority to work out at my best effort in my exercise class Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Then there’s the daily walks with Sheba in our very fresh winter air. Sleep is the best medicine for everything. I should know. I was sleep deprived for many years doing shift work. I did not know how poorly I was functioning till after I’ve stopped. I used to pride myself on how little sleep I needed. That was how stupid I was.

I’ve read that it takes 7 years to recover after that many years of sleep deprivation. I’m halfway there. I do make it a habit to go to bed at the same time each night. I get up a couple of times for nature calls. I don’t turn on the light, avoiding waking myself more. Usually I am able to go back to sleep without trouble. I’m on the right track but I do have odd nights that I have trouble. Who doesn’t?

So I am thinking about things, of what I can do to make everything better. Sometimes it’s better if I don’t. Not everything can/should be fixed. Not everything is my fault. Now, I try a little of sitting with things when they/I go awry. I’m still answering all the call bells, even if only in my head. But I can turn them off with effort now. It’s a false alarm, I tell myself. No need for fixing or tending. Let it be. Ah, I’m hearing Paul McCartney singing. Yes, it’s good sometimes to let things be.

 

MY GPS

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It’s wise of me to set up goals and challenges. My dyslexic brain need specific guidelines and time frames. In January I did Gentle January with Susannah Conway and the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I was able to fulfill both of them except for two days. I still have the 365 Somethings 2018 which is a year long project. To keep myself in line and on track, I’ve set up goals for the month of February. I’m apt to meander and get lost without a GPS.

February is heart month. It is my hearth month, a time to foster feel good stuff.

  • It is the time to curl up with a good romance, murder mystery, adventure, whatever.
  • There’s the knitting of the scarf and the cross stitch of Jesus I want to complete.
  • My Bernina sewing machine waits for me to master it. I’ve reviewed some videos this morning and feeling more confident than yesterday.
  • Seeding bedding plants. It is time for the petunias. It takes a long time to bring them to bloom.

I think my to-do list is long enough for this month. I am still showing up here daily to tap out my joy and grumpies. This is my best GPS, showing my trial runs and test results. It points a better route for me so that I’m not circling the wagon the whole night long and never making camp. I have to run now and hang up the wash. The fur baby is also calling for attention. It’s a short chat today. Keep well.

 

TROUBLE SHOOTING

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Here I am again in the late afternoon. I am tired and grumpy as a bear. I don’t bite though. Yesterday’s pushups at the gym netted sore shoulders. The romp in the park with Sheba yesterday and today’s walk around the neighbourhood adds to my fatigue. Then there’s the excitement of putting in a new zipper and some top stitching on my parka. My failure was a moment of disappointment and woe.

Today I made another trip to Fabricland and bought the regular thread and topstitching needle for the thread I bought yesterday. I thought I was going to do a great and proper job on my coat. I was successful in using the needle threader after a couple of tries. I was thrilled! I attached the proper foot and punched the zigzagg stitch on the screen. I wanted to do some topstitching around the bottom edge before putting in the zipper. An error showed up. I had to select the zigzag foot on the screen. It was still programmed for the zipper foot. Everything has to be copacetic before it will go. And even then, I still screwed up.

Only a few stitches in, Bernina stopped. The screen lit up showing 2 bobbins. I fiddled to no avail. Nothing moved – not the thread or needle. So I cut the thread, hoping everything will loosen up. No deal. I shut the machine off. The screen said some kind of malfunction and to restart. I pressed the ? on the screen. It said no help for this kind of malfunction. I went YIKES! Lugging the machine back to the store did not appeal to me. I berated myself silently. Why didn’t I set up my appointments for instruction instead of waiting to get familiarize on my own? Grrr! It would be so embarrassing.

I tried not to go off on a rant and toss or bang things around. It would only cause more damage, right? I thought of what I would do if it was my old Kenmore. I would take out the bobbin. It didn’t work. The threads were still stuck tight. I consulted YouTube again on how to take the casing apart. I had watched it before. Then I was too scared to take things apart, but now I have no choice. It was really quite simple. I removed the threads. I put everything back as shown. I restarted the machine. It purred. No funny malfunction showed on the screen.

I decided that was enough monkeying around for the day. Tomorrow I will be fresher. I guess that’s how I learn. I mess up. Then I try to figure out the hows on my own first. It stays with you longer. And things are not that fragile, even if it involves electronics. Even when things fall apart, you can put it back together. Now I need a snack. It helps for everything.

 

DARNING AND MENDING MY WAYS

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This is definitely not my best time of day! I am not feeling fresh or friendly. I’ve declared February as the feel good month, of cosying up to the hearth, drinking hot chocolate and darning socks. It is what I am aiming for. So far I’m feeling a bit frustrated. I am set to darn my Linda Lundstrom parka. The old zipper is removed. A new one bought. I’ve just returned with right colour thread and material to reinforced the lower worn corner. I turn on my Bernina, ready to tackle threading the top and the bobbin. I find that the thread I bought is heavy, meant for top stitching. And I don’t have the right needle. Darn! Have to go back to the store – maybe tomorrow.

I suppose it’s not a bad thing. It slows me down. I have a tendency to rush at things, not taking care of doing a proper job. I was almost tempted to use use the all purpose black thread. But it would really stand out against all the purple. It is a nice coat so I refrained. Instead I took the time to read about what had happened to Linda Lundstrom. She seemed to have disappeared from the Canadian fashion scene. Interesting to learn that she had gone bankrupt and ended living in a cabin in the woods and working out of a shed. The article (dated 2014) said she is making a comeback. Further google search turned up that she has a new Nordic-inspired luxury outerwear line, Therma Kōta, created with her two daughters. Fortunes made, lost and made again. A nice story for the hearth.

Tomorrow I will shop for proper thread again. I’m re-training my brain to work in sequential steps. I feel dyslexic sometimes, unable to focus and follow the proper order of things. If there are 3 steps, I go from 1 directly to 3, bypassing 2. When it doesn’t pan out, I would have to back track. My brain seems irritated by more than 2 items. It gets all aggitated and haywire. That is why I can never follow verbal directions. After the first 2 turns, my brain can’t follow anything. I will probably have to do much deep breathing and practicing at not jumping the gun and corners. Well, a cold February is a good time for the practice of mending my ways.

WET NOODLE DAYS

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Moments by their definition are fleeting. So I am not disappointed, disillusioned or any other dis words at all that my moments of perfect alignment are over. Most happy of all that I am not diseased as being downed by the flu bug. I hear it’s a bad strain this year. It lingers and lingers. I’m feeling slow but not ‘bad’ that I am a wet noodle again. I can still noodle on. I’m more of a tortoise than the hare by nature anyways. I will get there, wherever there is, eventually.

 

As it is, the day turned out well. It was cold as hell to start with. Such days are good for simmering soup on the stove. It humifies the air and soothes my irritated sinuses. The soup is nourishing and healing. The bones are treats for Sheba. She is kept busy gnawing and cleaning her teeth at the same time. It’s a good time to bake bread, too, especially since we’re down to the last loaf. Fresh bread with butter and jam is delicious. You guess it. I am still snacking. It boosts my serotonin level. I’m not feeling as much of a wet noodle after. The house is warmer from the baking. Now the pork roast in the oven is adding aroma and more heat to the air. This is how to raise the temperature and feel good stuff in cold February.

I think winter is meant for slowing down, nesting and mending ‘stuff’ and ourselves. It’s a good idea to heed Nature. When spring comes, we will be well prepared. I really like that idea. It will stop my incessant need for doing and feeling guilty for not accomplishing. It will be a challenge for me. I’ve already signed up for the online Peak Work Performance Summit. I am not working any more but it is free. What does it hurt to sign up, I ask myself. I’m not committed to watch. But just in case. The title words by themselves – peak performance -are enticing to me. I’m easily hooked. They can perk the wet noodle in me. That’s not bad, is it?

I’m aware now. I will intend more mending on wet noodle days. I have another jacket that needs a new zipper. The old one is removed. Now I can baste the new one on first before sewing it on. The coat is purple so I need to change the black thread that’s on the Bernina now. My eyes glaze over at the thought because the machine is very new and unfamiliar to me. I will have to change the bobbin thread, too. Now my eyes are crossing over. I will have to review the whole procedure again. Very heavy sigh. It has to/will be done. It doesn’t have to be today. I’m thinking of ‘slowing down, nesting and mending.