DOING IS GOOD ENOUGH

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Oy! A ton of snow fell on our fair city overnight. We already had lots on the weekend. Made moving a little more challenging by foot or wheels. More practice for patience and skill. Traffic moved slowly or not at all.  It was too early for snow clearing at nine in the morning. Already there were cars spinning their tires when I arrived at the YWCA for my exercise class. I had enough of that years back, I had dumped my Plymouth Acclaim for a Honda CVR with 4 wheel drive. Now I don’t get stuck any more. Still I had to rock it back and forth getting out of the parking lot going home.

If I had been smart, I would have stayed home. But the habit of exercise Monday, Wednesday and Friday got me heading out without thinking today. I guess it’s a good thing even though I wasn’t enthused. Enthusiasm isn’t always necessary. I got the same benefits of moving my body regardless. I have to keep that in mind. I don’t have to force feelings I can’t muster up. Doing the good thing is enough. I’m pooped now having just taken Sheba out for her walk. I have to give it to our citizens. Most of the sidewalks were shovelled. It was tough walking as it was. It would have been a killer if they hadn’t.

Talking about killer, I’ve finished Sue Grafton’s last book, Y is for Yesterday. It is quite dark, leaving me with a bit of ugly feeling. It’s cured my addiction for the alphabet series – for awhile anyways. I might have to read it again for it was confusing to follow. I wonder if Grafton knew it would be her last. It doesn’t read like her previous. It’s lengthy. Was it to sum/tidy up everything? Interesting speculating but I have to shut my mind down. I’m always thinking and asking unanswerable questions. I have to STOP IT.  I have to get on with things. I’m rested. My teacup is empty.

D is for DISCIPLINE

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Saturday

The snow storm came this morning. I was happy it came later rather than sooner. I made it to the embroidery seminar before the blowing snow gave me thought for pause. Being that there was 3 of us made it easier to get chummy and chatty. One of us was already very skilled. I had no experience. She was very generous in offering her help. It’s handy she lives in my area. I will probably call her up sometimes.

Sunday

It was a brief conversation yesterday. I was short on time and energy. But I am back. I’m working on the discipline thing. It would be easy to while the morning away reading  Sue Grafton’s Y is for Yesterday. I should not have read the reviews before I read the book. It colours how I am finding it.  I am agreeing that it is long and a bit tedious, confusing, and repetitous. Would I feel the same if I had not read the reviews? I will never find out now. Still, it is worth the read because it is Sue Grafton. She must have written it while battling cancer. I have a lot of respect for her.

Yes, these mornings I am digging deep to find my discipline bone, to lay aside the book after awhile. I need to get on with other things. It’s a difficult task even if I like doing the other stuff. My body’s natural inclination is to stay in the same old, same old. My brain’s had enough practice now to step in. Put the book down! Paint your 365 Somethings 2018 index card. I heard its voice in my head. I sigh and put the book down. The index card is painted. Projects keep me moving somehow or another. At the end of the year I will have 365 little postcard watercolour paintings. I hope my paintings will be better and better.

The bedding is in the wash AGAIN. For some reason they still smelled of Sheba. We love her but not her stink. She is also laundered two days ago. Now her fluff is floating around. The work never ends. It’s a good thing because if it does, what would it mean? I’m pepping myself up with a cup of decaf. It still has the caffeine taste. That’s good enough for me. I best go and check on the laundrey. They’re probably ready for the dryer now. Then it will be time for lunch. Best not to be late. We have tickets to see Gabriel Dumont’s Wild West Show at 2 pm.

 

WHAT IF?

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It is getting late in the day. A storm is coming this way. “Total snowfall amounts of 10 to 15 centimetres are forecast to fall by the time snow begins to ease on Sunday. Easterly winds of 40 to 50 km/h will occur.” We are happy to be home ahead of the storm. We are tucked in. Sheba can skip her afternoon walk. I am not inclined to head out after our road trip. A change in our routine won’t hurt anyone. She is not complaining.

What can I say about my day? I’m proud to report that I made 3 phone calls this morning. One was to confirm an appointment. Two to book tickets to a play at Persephone Theatre. Three to book my Honda in for another recall for a faulty airbag inflator. Simple acts and yet mentally hard on certain days. Procrastinating on them adds more weight to the difficulty. Acting on them lightens the load. My mind isn’t preoccupied with undealth with issues.

I spent time reading a few more pages of Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself  by Joe Dispenza. I try to glean one or two points from each day’s reading. I should have made notes right after because now after many hours, I have to think and dig deep. What I remember is how surprised and delighted to find his voice similar to Caroline Myss’. All matter is made of energy including ourselves. It is universal. What is in one is in the whole. Thus, we are all connected. What I/each of us do affects the whole. What we put out into the universe will come back to us.

The universe is not looking good to me these days. Watching Russian President Vladimir Putin and U.S. President Donald Trump last night on the evening news certainly didn’t help. I could see how easily our world can be destroyed just like that – with a snap of the fingers. I don’t know how it affects everybody else. It depresses me. I wonder how we got here and where will we go next. How can I be excited about life on earth where nothing and everything matters?

That’s where I was this morning upon waking – not excited. It was not a good place or good way to be. I had to do a Byron Katie turn it around thinking. Is it true? Is it really true? What if it isn’t and I am excited? What if I am excited and everything does matter? What if I just put in that extra effort? What if I pretend I am excited? What if I just pretend till it becomes real?

WALKING MY TALK

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It’s friggin’ hard!

If I am wanting changes, new feelings, new results, new everythings, I best give up doing the same old, same old. Realization is one thing. Doing is another. Mornings often find me dragged down with old issues. I’m weighed down with feelings of avoidance, cornered with no escape. I reluctantly gave up the warm fuzzy comfort of my housecoat, got into my day clothes and made some dreaded phone calls. It didn’t solve everything, but one step further. It’s an action.

I always talk a great talk, don’t I? It’s been said that I know how to talk. I wonder if I ever put them into action. Sometimes I feel like a broken record, playing the same song over and over. I’m putting an effort into ‘walking my talk’. Everything about it is hard – getting into day clothes, phoning, sitting here, making a start. It’s going against the grain, that nail against the chalkboard. I’ve made a start of Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. It’s not an easy read for me right now. My mindset is on thrillers. Y is for Yesterday is in my possession. I much rather read it instead. I see it has many bad reviews. I probably will like it very much. But I’ll persevere with the former – a little every day.

I’m liking what the author, Dr. Joe Dispenza, has to say, despite the difficulty of understanding quantum physics. We are more powerful than we realize. It’s also something that my guru, Caroline Myss says many times. They both stress that we are in the energy age, that matter is made up of energy. Thoughts are powerful. I heard that one also from the ER doctor tending me on one visit. It was instumental in helping me over my panic attacks. That and his genuine belief and concern for my distress. Energy travelling through his demeanor and voice towards me.

I like to take away a few new points in my daily reading. Today I’m making note of how powerful my thoughts/I am and that matter is made up of energy. Rather than spending my thoughts on the things that I don’t want, I should be thinking about the things I do want. AND I’m putting into practice of doing those things that needed doing but somehow my head finds difficult and want to put off. I sound silly and lazy when I say getting my car washed, filling it with gas, taking Sheba to the doggy wash, buying my shampoo….are difficult. They ARE so difficult in my head. Perhaps my brain dyslexic or injured. I’m hoping the habit of repetition will make things easier.

I try to do one or two difficult things a day. I did the car wash and gas fill up on Monday. Today after the dog park, we went to the doggy wash. Sheba was not thrilled but she is sweeter smelling. She liked the doggy treat part. We stopped for my shampoo on the way home. The thing for me to remember is not to be overwhelmed with too many things on the to-do list. I need to disassociate emotions/feelings from the activity. It’s a step by step process. There’s nothing difficult about going to the car/doggy wash, gassing up, etc. Just do, don’t think or feel.

 

SAYING IT AS IT IS

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Some days I don’t want to show up – anywhere, for anyone or anything. I think there are others feeling the same as me. I did showed up for my step aerobics class this morning. Some didn’t. I used to envy the kids with their summer camps at the YWCA. I wished that there was one for us adults. I liked to be led, entertained, fed and have all my needs looked after. Then I realized that is what is called an all inclusive vacation. I decided that is not what I want after all.

I am feeling better though I felt doubtful on rising. But all things do pass as they say. Put sick/flu/yucky out of your head! I tell myself. It worked. I put my mind towards feeling well. My body didn’t feel as heavy. My gait was lighter. I didn’t push myself to work at a 9/10 but I kept moving steadily. I worked up a sweat. It’s good not to whine though I feel like whining now. I do it silently, to myself.

You wouldn’t think I have anything to whine about. It’s warm and sunny. It got up to +1 degrees C for a little while. The snow is melting fast. The streets are a little messier, baring dog poop lazy dog owners didn’t pick up. Really disgusting and no excuse! I wonder if they bother wiping their kids’ bums after doing their business. Yes, I am a bit touchy. I wouldn’t say stuff like that anywhere but here. This is my domain, my safe haven.

I’m learning that if I want to get anything done, I shouldn’t pick up a thriller. If I get hooked, I can’t put it down. I read the book that got a whole bunch of bad reviews in two days. I couldn’t get into the book that did get lots of good ones. It’s back in the library now. Different strokes for different folks.

I feel like I’m chattering about nothing. I probably am – avoiding, procrastinating and all that. It’s not a bad thing. It gives me time to let things sit for awhile until I’m comfortable facing/dealing/or whatever that I need to do. Not everything is an emergency, you know.

 

UNPLUGGED

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Snoopy

I’m giving serious thought on as how to unplug and undo the unwants in me. Life is short as they say. I’m not getting any younger. Why hang on to my uglies with tooth and nail? There’s some benefits to being down with the flu or the winter blues. It slows down life and me with it. It adds weight to everything. Greys are heavier, pressing down on my shoulders. Sunlight is more brilliant, showing up all the dust and lint and Sheba’s chalky footprints on the hardwood floor. Things that nauseate me sickens me more. It’s impetus enough to want change.

The first step is to stop envying everybody else. It is wasteful energy. Logically, the second step is to come back to myself. I am seldom home, within my body or mind. Nobody’s asked me, but I have been living in other people’s lives. It’s not because I’m such an ultruistic person. It’s out of habit and it is easier than dealing with myself. It’s not true that you can never go home again. I am going to find my way back to the one who needs me the most – me. I’ve began the journey many times, but have never passed GO. So here goes!

The third step is Dr. Joe Dispenza’s book, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself/ How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One.  The title had caught my eye a few years ago and I bought the ebook format. But I haven’t read it being on the Kindle app. It has a lot of bad as well as good reviews. Some people called him a quack. He’s a chiropractor. I’ve learned that other people’s reviews don’t always hold true for me. The title is enough of a stimulus for change.

Already I broke my habit of another cup of tea/decaf coffee. I’ve had 3 cups already and don’t need anymore. Instead I had water with my snack of an orange and a piece of cheese. I’m reading Tami Hoag’s Cold, Cold Heart. It’s about a woman suffering from severe brain injury and PSTD. It received alot of bad reviews from readers on Goodreads but I’m finding it very good. It’s fiction but the brain injury information is very interesting. I’m sure the author did factual research into the subject. I’m thinking: If an injured brain can rewire and relearn, so can I. It’s an exciting thought – reinventing myself. Why not?

What the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve.  ~ Napoleon Hill ~

UNBECOMING MYSELF

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Beginning anything is hard until I make a start. Do you find it so? Well, here I am. I’ve tapped out the first line, starting the second. Really it would be so easy to stay in my comfy loveseat and sink into Tami Hoag’s Cold, Cold Heart, a thriller. I’m captured after a few pages and so surprised to see it got lots of bad reviews. I have dropped Ali Smith’s Winter for now. It’s beginning is depressing as everything was dead! “God was dead: to begin with. And romance was dead. Chivalry was dead. Poetry, the novel, painting, they were all dead, and art was dead. Theatre and cinema were both dead. Literature was dead. ” I’m having trouble getting into it. I will persist a bit longer. It got alot of good reviews. Go figure!

My week got off to a good start this morning. I made it to my exercise class after a 2-week absence. I was relieved to learn that someone else had the same malady I did of extreme fatigue. Even though we had no cough, etc. it was a flu of some sort. I was feeling a bit of a fake, doubting my own physiology. Was I just depressed, wanting to avoid/escape things? Good to know I was not. So I didn’t push myself too hard. As long as I was moving my body, it was good enough. I have to remember that I am no spring chicken. Moderation in everything.

Winter is still under my skin. Two more days left in February. I’m trying to get past everything. But I am sick of listening to myself whine and whine. How can I stop? How can I unbecome myself? What don’t I like about myself? Those are hard questions to answer right now. Right now I am envious of everybody else. Seems like ‘they’ are much ‘better’ than me. I know, I’m seeing through wintry late-afternoon sunglasses. My outlook can change any time soon – maybe tomorrow. But in the meantime I can give some thoughts as to how I would like to see myself. What parts do I want to rid? What do I want to incorporate? How can I become undone? Where is Tinker Bell when I need a transformation?

C is for COMPLACENT, K is for KICKASS

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This is the end of my alphabet serie, I promise – for awhile anyways. It’s hard to drop a good thing. Sue Grafton’s “alphabet series” is a kickass when I fall into a complacent mood. I want to emulate her character, Kinsey Millhone, my ideal of a kickass detective and single woman. I love the full cast of characters in her novels, especially Henry, Kinsey’s landlord. I’m getting to be quite a fan of Grafton.  She is very interesting. Too bad I’m such a Joanie come lately. She passed away on December 28, 2017 at the age of 77. Her alphabet stopped at Y is for Yesterday. I haven’t read it yet but I’ve requested it from the library.

Winter Everything gets under my skin from time to time. It’s helpful to have tools that can propel me out of the pit into light on those dark days. I am delighted to add Grafton’s detective series to my toolbox. It’s so easy to fall into complacency, not care and just watch the dirt grow between my toes. It’s not a pretty sight or place to be. I use whatever tools I can to stay aloft. Sometimes it’s Wonder Woman. Snoopy works, too. Now I can add Kinsey Millhone to the list. Have detective, will travel.

It’s late. My brain is overworked and tired. Let me end on a high note rather than a low one. I hope to wake up rested and bushy eyed tomorrow. I hope to make it to my exercise class in the morning. Let me rephrase that. I will make it to my exercise class in the morning. I want to kickass.

S IS FOR STUDENT AND SATURDAY

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It’s Saturday, my favourite day of the week. It is sunny and warm , -1 Celsius at the moment. Maybe now the warmer temperatures will prevail.  2018 is the most difficult February I have experienced in a long while. Even being sunny and warm, I feels at odds with the day. I nixed swimming this morning, choosing not to doubt my lack of well being. Sheba is feeling the same. She is behaving out of character, choosing to lay out in the snow by herself for long periods. It could be that she’s miffed at me for cleaning her ears. Or else she’s got spring fever.

It was worrisome that I couldn’t entice her in with a treat. But she looked relaxed. She is smart. She knows how to get back in. It’s nice to have some quiet time without her barking and fussing for attention. I can watch and listen to Caroline Myss. It has been difficult to find the time and the quiet. Today I’m watching the workshop on Self Esteem and the Power of Your Choices recorded in Sedonia, Arizona last February. She is such a good teacher. How serendipitous that she is coming out of a bad cold then as many of us here, including myself (though not so bad) are now.

I feel at times embarrassed that I am so enthused of her teachings.They resonate with me. I have been listening to her for a long time. Today, I really understood the meaning of archetypes and their animation. I love learning – especially about life. I can’t help being a student. That archetype is in and alive in me. I can’t stop myself from listening to spiritual teachers. It is the same with the artist archetype in me. I’ve been talking about it for many, many years but have done nothing about it until now . The artist have finally came alive in the past year or so. Sometimes I can’t believe it myself. The paintings just came out of me – on their own it seems. Who am I to argue with them? They wanted to come out. It is their time.

This is a powerful workshop and long consisting of 10 videos, each averaging an hour long. I’ve finished number 3. Now it is almost 6 pm. Time to close for the day. I’m glad that I’ve developed the habit of getting up and showing up – here to tap out my words, feelings, learning and taking Sheba out for her daily walk. Sometimes Often I don’t want to but the established habit/routine enables me to carry through. Today I’ve learned of habits of the heart/soul, Habitus Maximus. They’re the ones that will help me to a congruent person. There’s so much to learn. It is exciting.

 

G IS FOR GUILT, P IS FOR PLAN

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I am slowly getting over my physical indisposition. At any rate, I’m not allowing it to affect my pyschological outlook. It was hard work though. I had to concentrate, talked to myself alot. You can choose, my inner voice lectured in my head. I gave it some thought and went down the optimist’s path. Better a high road than a low one. Isn’t that everyone’s advice?

At the end of the day, yesterday, my head was such a tangled nightmare. My hair felt electrofied, standing on end. All my work stations were jumbled messes. I felt nauseous. I would puke if I could. In the morning, things didn’t look quite as bad. So now, it’s my measuring stick for feeling sick or tired or both. It helped me to decide to stay home from my exercise class and not feel guilty about it. I’m a good example of someone being hard on herself. I wonder when I will feel grownup. I have nobody to answer to, not even a boss.

Somehow I do feel more grownup, having made that decision and some other choices. Today and now is always the first day of any change. Some routine makes for efficiency. Too much makes ruts. I need to work on my ‘mess piles’ since they do aggravate my well-being and hinder creativity. I’m always having to dig through to find things. I try not to let the thought of clearing and cleaning overwhelm me. I cleared my head, took a breath. I decided I would clear a spot/deal with a chore, one at a time. There would be no multi-tasking. I will have to put things away from now on. That is my plan.

To set things in motion, I renewed my library stuff online to avoid late fees. I had a due back soon email yesterday. I changed the bedding, laundered, dried, fold and put it all away. I did the dishes after lunch before taking Sheba to the park. We did the 2 laps around and no more, though we were asked to do another by 2 ladies. The good company was tempting but I stuck to my  plan. Overdoing had worn me out.

It is a little after 5 pm. The sun is still out. Looks like spring is here. My ‘work’ is done. Time to let go of the day. This is enough.