Gong Hee Fat Choy! Happy Chinese New Year. I am bushed! I don’t know how I managed a job before retirement. I’m not wearing red. I didn’t clean house in preparation for the new year. I vacuumed today. Oops! Well, it’s not sweeping. I’m not sweeping out my good fortune. It’s hard to observe my cultural traditions living so apart from my people. Aside from family, I don’t know that many Chinese people. I have no Chinese friends. I’m lacking in so many ways, negating much of what I set out to do. We will have our family New Year supper on Sunday – a day of rest for those who work.
That’s how life is going for me – negotiating and changing. I’m not sure it it’s for the better or it is just different. That’s how the world is. It’s changing so fast I’m often left breathless. I’m trying to keep up. I’m here, aren’t I, tapping as fast as I can. I am often confused and puzzled. Most of the time I’m cranky, in a mood. I wonder how I can get out of myself. I think of things I can do. What do I have to change? The rule I have when I come to this space is to leave on a higher note. I might tell you how I am feeling, what space I am in. But it is always about me and not anybody else. I try to be objective and not to crank out my personal biases. Hit me on the head if I do.
That is one thing I’m proud of – my words here. It leads me to think on what Caroline Myss says about the power of words. “A mystical perspective: Your words are your power tools. Each word you use initiates an act of creation and is a thread holding together a part of the fabric of your life. Take one word out of your vocabulary and all the creative power that that word contains evaporates from your life. Take the word “love” out, for example, and everything you understand, know, feel, and experience about “love” would no longer exist.”
I’ve been thinking about a word that I would like to eliminate from my speech. It’s difficult to think of one. I don’t like ‘hate’ but it’s not one I use often. What I say alot is I don’t care. I use it often in self defence/protection. I’m not sure if I mean it. I am giving it meaning by saying it. By eliminating it, it means I do care. Everything matters. I will see how that difference will play in my attitude and well-being.
Today is the first day of the lunar year, the Year of the Dog. Sheba, the dog and I went to the park to celebrate. The sky and clouds were awesome. I saw the sun drift in and out of the clouds. It was travelling so fast it was hard to capture on the camera. Another reminder how fast life and time moves. Don’t think too much and hesitate too long. Put one foot in front of the other and do another lap around the park or wherever you want to go.
onethousandandtwo 
Great blog post. You express your feelings so well. I think that we often say “I don’t care” when we really do care… so much! Happy New Year!
Thank you, Alice!
Lily
I enjoyed and related to your post. As I read through it I wondered if maybe retirement doesn’t sit that well with you? I know that I’m not really comfortable with it yet. Most of my older friends are still working and I often feel like a lazy bum in comparison. I’m struggling with this new freedom and I’m curious if that’s one of the things that makes you feel cranky?
Thanks, Des! No, I quite enjoy not working. I’m cranky by natural disposition. I was worse when I was working. I often start the day by telling people I’m in a bad mood so they won’t think it’s personal. I think I get cranky because I’m impatient. I tire easily and if my blood sugar is low, watch out! I have a sense I’ve always been crabby. That’s what they tell me anyways.
Now I feel I have too much on my plate. I’m always doing something. I feel like a dentist moving from one job to the next. I have to learn to carve out some nothing time. I think I’m over-stimulated.
Lily
I’m glad you shared that with me. I always wish I had all the answers for everyone, but I don’t even have them for myself! Glad you are enjoying retirement. I hope to find my retirement niche soon 🙂
This is my 4th year, Des. Give yourself time. I didn’t have such a good time at the start. I had to shed all those years slinging bedpans and saving lives. 🙂
Lily
Lily, I bet it did take a while to get over your caretaker role. You’re right, I just need to get comfortable with retirement.
Gong Hee Fat Choy to you. I hope that the year of the dog is a kind one. I was derermined to go to some New Year celebrations this year but yet again I have not been able to find the time. I’m glad you had time to celebrate in the park and to watch the skies. Time does fly so fast doesn’t it and I never seem to have enough. I visit your blog quite often and like the way you write down exactly as you feel. I started to read Caroline Myss as a result of visiting your blog early in January. I’m wondering which word I could remove which would make a difference to my life? Once I felt it should be the word “I” which i tend to use too much. I’m generally very cranky too and highly critical of myself and sadly I realise of others too. I’m going to relfect on the word. That expression “I don’t care” is one that we do often say and which i often recognise is a defence mechanism though not a very good one lol. It is assocated in my mind with a hardening of the heart. Something I just noticed as Ive been writing this comment, was that i wrote “I’ve not been able to find the time.” That may be the phrase i could eliminate as i often hear myself saying it and another is “I haven’t decided yet”, “i’m not quite sure.” This is a really interesting study and i am going to watch my words for a few days to explore more. Thank you.
Thank you, Jan! I’ve often felt pressed for time, too. I feel I do too much and not enough at the same time. I’ve popped over and read a little of your bio. Seems like we have similar interests. I’ve been reading Caroline Myss for a long time. I find her teachings incredibly helpful. I was in China maybe ten years ago. Saw the Great Wall, Tiananmen Square, etc. Tried to go back to my home village but didn’t make it. I might make another effort if I feel the pull. But what they say about You can’t go back home again rings true. I will pop over and read you again. Thanks for your visits. Much appreciated.
Lily
Happy Chinese New Year🙋 Another great post with food for thought, thanks.
Thanks Terry! Hope your storm is over. It’s still winter here but not too, too cold.
Lily