BUGS and RUFFLED FEATHERS

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December 4, 2018,  8:55 am

I have discovered that little useless things can eat up many minutes but I can do many things in a few minutes. It all depends on how present and distractible I am. I am the very latter – distractible.  I can’t use the excuse of not getting enough sleep because I did. It’s rather that I don’t have a set plan. It’s Tuesday, a non exercise morning. It feels like a day off. I feel like I have extra time to goof off. It’s not a bad thing if it leaves me feeling good.

It doesn’t. I’ve been scrolling, trying to figure out how the Goodreads site works. I have accidentally joined its community when I was looking up a book. It hasn’t been of great importance to me what others are reading, etc. But now I get messages and updates. It peaks my curiosity. I’ve figured out how to post what I’m reading but how do I post what I’ve read? As I’ve said, it is not important except that it’s disturbed my peace of mind. I’m flustered and irritated. My feathers are ruffled.

I better stop this nonsense of wasting more of my day off. I have bills to pay and papers to sort. I have not made much progress with my desk except to remove some dust. Organizing anything is clearly not my forte. I must have been born with that defective gene. However, I will persevere with my efforts. I have deleted 75 messages from one of my mailboxes. Why do I hang on to them? It’s as if I make any move at all, even deleting an email, I will change my life forever. It’s silly I know but it helps to voice my fear of any little change.

7:32 pm

Supper is done and I’m still sipping my one glass of wine. I’m still feeling ruffled around the edges. However, I will take a deep, deep breath, exhale and sip. Maybe I should have another glass. But now everything is smooth. I will be alright. The day has gone well. The bills are paid. I did not get the down time I intended and wanted. It’s tough when my brain is feverish with creating. I had to let my creation out. Tomorrow is another day. I will plan for it.

 

NO PAIN, NO GAIN

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December 1, 2018 5:18 pm

I’ve been absent for a few days, wrapped up in my table cloth and my Bernina embroidery machine. I did not think I would like programmed creativity but I have fallen in love with it. I sit and watch how the needle is travelling back and forth and across the cloth. I listen to its soft rhythmic chug chug, like the marching of tiny feet across the hoop. It is soothing, mesmerizing and addictive. I’m just realizing what an awesome machine I have. It has amazing capabilities. I’m just past the beginning where I can make it go. There’s so much more to learn. I hope I have enough time.

It’s the first of December. How time flies. It’s almost a year since I got my Bernina. I shall not lack things to do this winter. I will have no time to mope or despair. The mechanics of how to use all its features will crowd out all the garbage of my mind. I will be emptying all old and corrupt files and opening new ones. I will fill them with optimism, joy and all things good. I hope all the new activities will help me grow more grey matters and telomeres.  I hope my mind will be more peaceful and I can think better. I hope it will help me to be a better person.

This morning was tough. It was dark as can be. It’s Saturday, my swim day. My body and mind were in unison, crying their pain and reluctance of not wanting to go. I overrode them both. I did not listen to them. I chanted: Got to go. Got to go. in my head. I knew that once out the door I will be fine. I felt the pain but thought of the gain. I thought of the warm water enveloping me as I step into the pool and glide down its length effortlessly. And so it was. I was relaxed and weightless. My backstroke was perfect. I felt the pull with each reach of my arms. I thought of Bruce Lee and his philosophy of ‘be like the water.’

 

A CUP OF SELF-LOVE

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November 27, 2018  8:51 am

Mornings soothes or rubs. This morning it is the latter. It is wise advice not to go to bed irritated. It is easier said than done though. I’m trying to soothe myself with another cup of tea. I’m trying to erase my self irritation by leaving them on the page. I hate getting caught unawares by some unseen and unknown cyber troll. I’m trying not to dwell on the reasons why people do things like that – for monetary gains or the pleasure of disturbing my sleep.

Beware of strange emails. The senders of such understand human nature very well – our innate curiosity, the need to understand and frustration of not understanding and the inability of opening an attachment. Well, it was late in the evening. I did a million clicks on it. I hope I did no harm to my computer. I have an Apple after all. That is my small comfort. I have confirmed that the email was spam and not from Fedex. My package will not be sent back to the shipper.

I think I need a cup of coffee now and to do another embroidery on my Bernina. It’s better than gnashing my teeth. But I better do some qigong to rid some bad thoughts and energy.

November 28, 2018  1:35pm

It is snowing gently. It is a soothing kind of afternoon. I’m glad. Yesterday rubbed me all day long. I’m ready for some flow and relaxation. I’m happy to sit here with my decaf and mumble on my keyboard. My body is feeling the fatigue of a good workout at our step aerobics class this morning. It’s good for keeping my stress and cortisol levels low. It helps for a good night’s sleep. It’s healthy self-love.

What do you do for self-love? I have to keep reminding myself what is good and what is harmful. I’m listening better now. I’m resisting the urges of the instant gratification of blowing steam, choice words and actions. Much better to count to 10 to myself and wait a second or two. I’m surprised at how fast I CAN turn around, feel and do different and better.

It is almost 2 pm. I have a bit of time to set up another embroidery motif for my table cloth. I am getting intimate with my Bernina. We’re past the coffee stage at last. Well, it will be a year since I bought it home.

HAVE I NEVER BEEN MELLOW

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November 25, 2018  8:15 am

I’ve been up for 3 hours already. It’s one of those early morning wakings when I couldn’t get back to sleep. It’s best to rise than to lay there thinking useless and maybe harmful thoughts. Sheba rose with me but then decided to go back to bed till way past her usual time. She didn’t come out till almost 7 and laid down on her pillow in the living room. She didn’t fuss for her breakfast. I thought maybe she got fed somehow.

That wasn’t the case though. She hadn’t. She must have sensed that I needed peace and quiet. Aren’t our pets precious? She is so intuitive and a comfort. She is my pillow, my blanket and cuddly bear. She is my best friend and the child I never had. This morning I had to ask if she wants to eat, a first ever. The answer was Yes!

Olivia Newton John’s song Have You Never Been Mellow has been playing in my head.

Have you never been mellow?
Have you never tried to find a comfort from inside you?
Have you never been happy just to hear your song?
Have you never let someone else be strong?

Seeing the words and questions on the page, I have to say No, I’ve never been or I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt that. Mostly I’ve been feeling hostile, angry and dissatified. Why mince feelings and words?  Sometimes I feel demons walking over my grave. Waves of unease and sadness wash over me. I want to cry. I feel such loneliness as if I’m the last human on earth. I’m that one hand clapping, the echo unheard. I want to act out but who’s here to notice? So I do not. I take a deep breath and try to change my thoughts – to change my feelings. I do not try to ‘fix’ anything. Fixing does not work except to make me feel worse.

Amid all the questions and feelings I do hear my adult voice. It’s telling me not to believe all these. It’s not who you really are, it tells me. You are hurting and harming yourself believing them. Choose another way to be. I have to listen to its wisdom. Another way is quietening myself. I try to focus on things that work. I concentrate on the mechanics of doing. Trying to figure out the ‘how’ of doing something engages my mind in the ‘doing’ and away from ‘feeling’. I have to be careful that the project is not too complex. That would only result in frustration.

Writing, tapping out the words, problems and feelings is my best bet. I find rhythm in flexing my fingers on the keyboard. It eases and releases tension. They are breathing in and out for me. Somehow solutions come along with the tapping. Cleaning house is therapeutic. Dusting is soothing. I’ve gotten not to mind vacuuming with my Dyson stick. I’m quite proficient at it. It doesn’t feel like such a chore any more. I’m getting some pleasure from having a dog hair free house. I’m killing several birds with one stone.

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FEATHERWEIGHTS AND OTHER OBSESSIONS

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November 20, 2018  7:49 am

Winter time and the living is not easy. The fish are not jumping. The mornings are dark. If I dwell in the cold and hardness of it, I would be done in. But I don’t. I’ve learned to concentrate on the mechanics of everything – how to get from point A to B, what I have to do if I want this, that and the other thing. It works. It’s magical. I’m transported from feeling icky to ___ . I can’t quite find the word but I feel my brain firing up like the furnace in the basement. Soon it will kick in and ideas and endorphins will flow. Ah, I hear the fan blowing. The warm air is blowing out the vents.

I’m finishing my second cup of tea. I will make a list of things my mother wants from Costco. She phoned yesterday to confirm. Are you going for sure. Will you remember? Don’t forget the barbecue chicken. She repeated the list. I mustn’t forget. Then I will make my own list. I mustn’t forget or get lost getting there. I get lost regularly going anywhere and everywhere. I don’t get excited about it any more but I could be a little more careful, pay more attention and look for signs and landmarks. I turn off at the exit for Yorkton.  It would save me time.

November 21, 2018  10:16 pm

I’ve let time and thoughts slipped away. It’s the latest I’ve come to this page in a long while. My thoughts are fragmented, scattered by the day’s activities and by my recent interest in the history of sewing machines. It was ignited by the book, Every Quilt Tells a Story by Helen Kelley. Her mention of the Singer Featherweight prompted me to look it up on the Internet. I was in love. One thing led to another and I was mesmerized by all the vintage sewing machines, even my own Kenmore Model 15813200. I bought it somewhere in 1972/73 for under $200.  It’s a long story. I better leave my mutterings here and head for bed. Tomorrow is another day.

November 22, 2018  8:47 am

Keeping a regular bedtime pays off for a good night of sleep. I think I took my obsessions of sewing machines into my sleep. I was dreaming of sewing different motiffs onto my quilt/table top I’m sewing along with catching a plane. I dreamt that we slept till almost 9 am and our plane was due to take off at noon. Yikes! My brain was busy even in sleep. My plan today is to embroider these birds onto to the quilt/table top. To embellish, I want to try out as many decorative stitches as I can on my Bernina. So I must not tarry and get on with things.

 

FILLING IN THE BLANKS

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November 18, 2018  8:33 am

Mornings are still dark at this time of the year. They will get darker yet as we move towards December. It is easy for me to idle my time away surfing the Internet. I’ve had my quota. It is time to move on. So I am here, to breathe and meditate and to flex my fingers. It is a good exercise to ease into the day. My fur baby is at my side as usual.

Times are changing for both of us. We are not so young and limber anymore. We seldom go down to the river to run/walk on its frozen waters and to converse with God. It seldom freezes over now even in the heart of winter. Now we take our walks and conversations on our urban streets. I can still feel His presence amid the traffic and noise. I can hear our collective breaths in the air. What is in one is in the whole. We are all connected.

December 19, 2018  1:54 pm

It is a grey Monday. I’m sitting with my decaf. I’m not motivated or inspired. If anything, I’m sleepy. If I haven’t been programmed to do and create, I would lay down and have a nap. I might just do that yet. I’ve been training myself not to ‘do’ lately. I’m cutting back time spent scrolling and crawling through cyberspace. I’m grabbing back some empty time for my soul and sanity. I’ve forgotten that I am the captain of my ship. I make the calls which direction I’m heading.

4:45 pm

I was not good at napping. I stretched out on my Lazy Boy with my quilt and closed my eyes. My sleepiness disappeared. I was left with trying to will myself to sleep. It was no good. I need more practice. I have to ease into it. I had to give it up and worked on my cross stitch of Jesus. It was relaxing, an emptying of mind and stress. I’ve filled most those blanks on that section of background. It’s like doing a crossword puzzle only much easier. I knew all the answers. If only I knew all the answers to life, wouldn’t it be grand?

It is getting darker. It’s after 5. Sheba and I have been around a block or two and maybe even more. I tried not to think it’s cold. I tried not to shiver. I tried to think warm and not to cut short our usual walk. I walked tall and as briskly as Sheba would go. She likes to dawdle and stick her nose into the snow, looking for a snack. But we are back. I’m here with my tea, toast and jam. I’m good at that.

 

 

LIFE, FORGIVENESS, LOVING

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November 16, 2018  8:00 am

I am an early bird nowadays. It helps to have an alarm clock named Sheba. She’s right on the money. She’s always goes off on time, being early sometimes but never late. I don’t mind. I appreciate her steadfastness. I’ve grown to love the early risings and the peace with the morning hours. I try not to squander this precious time away.

As I’ve said yesterday, I’m watching Caroline Myss’s Reflections video series on Initiation by Fire. I’ve watched the first one on forgiveness. I’ve started the one on love today. I love listening to Caroline. Her teachings are always so profound – to me anyways. It’s so strange that lately that the topics I picked are exactly what I’m needing most urgently. Her wisdom comes at a most opportune time.

I love what she says about initiation and forgiveness. In order for it to happen, we/I have to change/transform ourselves/myself. I will have to chip away at myself until something gives and shifts within me. My heart does feel like a giant boulder, unyielding and ungiving. But already I’ve felt a sliver chipped away. I am recognizing some of my triggers, some of my faults. It is along these fault lines that I will place my chisel and hammer away.

November 17, 2018  2:08 pm

Saturday afternoon. I’m sipping tea. I said I would not waste time scrolling my life away. BUT I have. Checking this and that. Looking up stuff that probably doesn’t matter a damn. It’s a habit hard to kick. I sit back, take another sip and heave another big sigh. I close my eyes and try to empty my mind of all useless nagging things. The tylenol helps.

I’ve had a busy morning. I was a little tardy heading to the pool but I got my almost 20 lengths in. 18 is close enough. Then it was off to my embroidery class at the Sewing Machine Store. Oh, the traffic coming and going! The cars are still whizzing by in my head. If you are not in the right lane for turning, you end up in a shopping mall with more cars whizzing around and around. My head was already throbbing with info on threads, needles, stabilizers and whatnot. Then I had to navigate my way out and back on the street.

Driving out of SuperStore’s parkade with my barbecue chicken for lunch, I said no to the Saskatoon Weavers and Spinners Guild’s annual sale. It would have been interesting to see their creatives and demonstrations of weaving and spinning. But I am maxed out. So here I sit tapping out my fatigue. I think I need another cup of tea and ponder life a little. It’s a worthwhile consideration.

Yesterday, an ambulane followed me into the parking lot of a shopping mall.  I came out of Shoppers Drug Mart to the flashing lights of a police car and firetruck. Paramedics were doing CPR on a man on the stretcher by the ambulance. I could see that he was not elderly and had reddish brown hair. His skin was quite pink beneath the pumping of the paramedics arms. They were doing a good job of perfusion or was it just the cold on bare skin? I do not know the outcome. Life is like that – precarious and unsettling.

Yes, I shall have that second cup and watch Session 2, Loving on Initiation by Fire with Caroline Myss.

 

 

PERSIST OR DESIST

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November 14, 2018  8:33 am

It is an exercise class morning. I’m fed and watered, have vacuumed the living, dining and kitchen areas. I have a few minutes to tap out my thoughts. I try not to get too caught up in being obsessive about my routine. Moderation in everything still applies in this age of energy. I have to leave some time to vegetate and not measure time.

November 15, 2018 8:10 am

A second cup of tea with Sheba close by. My words and tapping are not coming easy this morning. I will persist for awhile – till the end of my cuppa at least. What is that saying? Persist or desist. Whatever does that mean? I will resist googling it. Perhaps you can enlighten me. However old habits die hard and I did googled. I found this website.

3:15 pm

I could not persist even to the end of my cuppa this morning. I had to desist my efforts. I could not force thoughts and words against their will. I am not so stubborn nowadays. I know when to stop bashing my head against the stone wall and pursue other avenues. Serendipity must have been at work. I chose to watch Caroline Myss’ Reflection series on Initiations by Fire. The first session was on forgiveness, a difficult thing for alot of us. It is certainly for me. I hang on to every hurt like Sheba with a bone. It is something that I need let go of. I’m thankful I had the first initiation.

7:30 pm

Today is not an easy day. Disjointed thoughts and words dominated. I changed activities and directions often. I do not have to stay in the quagmire of my thoughts and emotions. When lost and in doubt, I choose to be enthralled in the mechanics of doing. And so, I tapped a little, read some, sewed some quilt squares and painted the discomfort away. Now it is time to say good night.

 

 

THERE’S ELEPHANTS IN THE ROOM

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November 13, 2018  9:52 am

I have wasted a bunch of time scrolling through this and that in search of products and answers. I was caught up in the number of choices that we have at our fingertips. It is a burden rather than a freedom. Now I’m left with a bunch of information running amuck in my head. They’re like gerbils on treadmills in their cages. I’m much like them, a slave to my human nature.

At least it is still morning. The sun is shining. I’ve dug out a jar of soup from the freezer. It’s defrosting in a pot of hot water. I will tap out a few more sentences and leave my frenzied thoughts on the page. There’s the routine of vacuuming and dusting to do. It settles and grounds me for the day. Having a clean floor without all Sheba’s hair makes me feel so much better. It’s as if I am clearing the debris and cobwebs in my head.

I’ve been tackling the dust in one room/day. Amazing how much there is when I pay attention. Amazing how clean the air is when I do. There has been much that I’ve avoided to do. It’s as if I am afraid to move/change anything. I worry that things would never be the same again.  These feelings have been beneath my consciousness though they do weigh on me. I now know the meaning of ‘There’s an elephant in the room.”  I really do have lots of elephants in my living room. They sit heavy on my mind. I clear my mind and air every time I dust them now. I try to let go of the fear of change. It’s what I need – change for the better.

4:41 pm

I’m just having a cuppa before taking the fur baby out for her walk. I treated myself with toast and jam. Yup, it’s the comfort rather than the hunger thing. I’m feeling the weight of being a child of immigrants. It makes me feel like my parents’ keepers, they being poor speakers of English and understanding less. Things tend to fall on me, the eldest child, not that I’m a child anymore. My shoulders are not wide nor strong but I manage most of the time. Sometimes I need the toast and jam to give me a little extra support.

I’m not complaining, just saying. I’m faring well, having dusted my computer screens and desktop. I can see what I’m tapping now. I’ve been out and about mailing letters, returning library books and to London Drugs.  I dropped off dead batteries, bought a memory stick and Nellie’s Dishwasher powder. I was impressed with Nellie’s laundry soda. No scent, eco-friendly and effective. I am passionate about doing what I can to save our planet. It’s nice to know that I still care about something.

 

A STITCH IN TIME

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November 11, 2018  9:00 am

What I love about mornings is that it is a new day, a new page and another chance at a new beginning. I’m so prone at falling into the same rabbit hole. I thought I better return to my daily mumble jumbles. That way I can trace my way back to how I keep waking up in the same hole all the time. I can’t tell directions worth a damn but I don’t seem to need a GPS to Alice’s rabbit hole. Maybe I need to leave little signs of “Been Here” “DONE THAT’ so I can take a different route.

It’s Remembrance Day. It’s 100 years since the end of WW1. It’s a wonder to me to think of it, the number of young men who died in the line of duty. I have no adequate words to describe so I will not. It is fitting that we observe the 11th hour with a period of silence as a tribute.

2:14 pm

Mornings are definitely my happy times. By now I’m a little down in the mouth. It’s good to tap out the negative and put a little sunshine in myself. No sense in carrying the gloom around. I will put in 15 minute blocks of doing something instead of wool gathering and dwelling on all the bad stuff. I could dust and clear my desk for 15 minutes and move on to 15 minutes of cross stitching Jesus. And so on and forth. It’s enough to think of two things at a time.

November 12, 2018  10:32 am

Mornings are my best bet but I have to be carefeul that I don’t scroll it away through other people’s lives and the toxic wastes of world politics online. I have to give myself a firm scolding that it’s enough after an hour. Then it’s time to deal with the realities of tending to my own life. Yesterday’s assignment of 15 minutes of clearing and dusting my desk was successful. I have a dust free desktop. It still has a lot of stuff on it. That’s for another 15 minutes this afternoon. As for the cross stitching, I found I could stitch more than I thought possible in 15 minutes. A stitch in time does save nine.

So that’s it for now. I have no earth shattering insights but one observation. I found my thoughts rushing towards the 15 minutes. It’s so short. I have to hurry up, hurry up and do. It was much like taking Sheba to the doggy wash that charges by the minute. I was rushing and rushing. The clock was ticking in my head.  There really is no way to washing a dog fast without getting myself totally soaked and sudsy along with her. I’ve learned to slow my thoughts and rushing, the cost be damned. I reminded myself yesterday that I’m not being charged. It’s my own time, at my own speed.