November 25, 2018  8:15 am

I’ve been up for 3 hours already. It’s one of those early morning wakings when I couldn’t get back to sleep. It’s best to rise than to lay there thinking useless and maybe harmful thoughts. Sheba rose with me but then decided to go back to bed till way past her usual time. She didn’t come out till almost 7 and laid down on her pillow in the living room. She didn’t fuss for her breakfast. I thought maybe she got fed somehow.

That wasn’t the case though. She hadn’t. She must have sensed that I needed peace and quiet. Aren’t our pets precious? She is so intuitive and a comfort. She is my pillow, my blanket and cuddly bear. She is my best friend and the child I never had. This morning I had to ask if she wants to eat, a first ever. The answer was Yes!

Olivia Newton John’s song Have You Never Been Mellow has been playing in my head.

Have you never been mellow?
Have you never tried to find a comfort from inside you?
Have you never been happy just to hear your song?
Have you never let someone else be strong?

Seeing the words and questions on the page, I have to say No, I’ve never been or I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt that. Mostly I’ve been feeling hostile, angry and dissatified. Why mince feelings and words?  Sometimes I feel demons walking over my grave. Waves of unease and sadness wash over me. I want to cry. I feel such loneliness as if I’m the last human on earth. I’m that one hand clapping, the echo unheard. I want to act out but who’s here to notice? So I do not. I take a deep breath and try to change my thoughts – to change my feelings. I do not try to ‘fix’ anything. Fixing does not work except to make me feel worse.

Amid all the questions and feelings I do hear my adult voice. It’s telling me not to believe all these. It’s not who you really are, it tells me. You are hurting and harming yourself believing them. Choose another way to be. I have to listen to its wisdom. Another way is quietening myself. I try to focus on things that work. I concentrate on the mechanics of doing. Trying to figure out the ‘how’ of doing something engages my mind in the ‘doing’ and away from ‘feeling’. I have to be careful that the project is not too complex. That would only result in frustration.

Writing, tapping out the words, problems and feelings is my best bet. I find rhythm in flexing my fingers on the keyboard. It eases and releases tension. They are breathing in and out for me. Somehow solutions come along with the tapping. Cleaning house is therapeutic. Dusting is soothing. I’ve gotten not to mind vacuuming with my Dyson stick. I’m quite proficient at it. It doesn’t feel like such a chore any more. I’m getting some pleasure from having a dog hair free house. I’m killing several birds with one stone.

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