Monthly Archives: January 2020

SATURDAY MUMBLINGS

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Is it only January 11th? It feels forever already! I am doing well – chug, chug, chug down the tracks keeping time with my tap, tap, tap. I might as well continue on down the line. I have developed a good rhythm. I’m not going too fast or too slow, not making long rest stops like I usually do. Then I whine about not enough time. Now, I am not doing that. At least not for the time being.

So heaving a very big sigh, I’m flexing my fingers over the keyboard. I do best when I have a schedule, challenge, a prompt, a deadline – something to rise to. Saturday is my favourite day. It’s my swim morning. I look forward to it during the week. It’s the week end, a day of rest from high stepping aerobics and pumping iron. I don’t always relish heading out in the dark of a winter morning to the pool. But I am always glad after. My body is warmed and relaxed from my hour of swimming up and down the lane. It is as if being lulled again in the womb.

I am not complaining but I am tired by my week. I’m not used to doing a steady flow of activities the week long. I have to build up my staying-with-it muscles. Still I’m proud of my effort and results. I’m not sweating or trying to push too hard. I still need my ‘ease time’ between things. I cannot rush from one thing to another. I have to be serenaded with silence, a cup of tea and sometimes a nap. I had all that this afternoon. Now I’m warmed and stretch. My brain and mind are working in coordination with my fingers. The words come and fall off their tips. I don’t have to struggle so much.

I really like this idea of no struggle. I know that it is not always possible but less would be nice. It’s wonderful that Julia Barnickle started a project called What If Life Were Meant To Be Easy? I invite you to check it out for yourself. I’m clumsy at explaining. I think any project on how to live better and with more ease is worth an investigation. I’m a curious George and a self-help addict.

This is it, the end of the conversation. Day 11 of nothing and everything.

CHANGE MY THOUGHTS, CHANGE MY LIFE

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I’m late coming to the keyboard. It’s an exercise day. Sometimes it feels like going to work because it is a must commitment. Today we had Fred instead of our regular instructor. He is always a welcomed and good change, introducing us to a different workout. His warmup focuses on the four joints at the shoulders and hips. It is surprising and amazing how good it feels after. They didn’t seem like such deal deal exercises.

It reminds me to change my train of thoughts. No big deals can bring big results. Change your thoughts, change your life. I think I have that book by Dr. Wayne Dyer. I haven’t read it but I will now. I will get it up from the basement so I won’t forget. I can read a few pages a day. I’m the train that can, remember?

I know I’ve got quite a few things on my plate now. I’m not sweating it. I’m mindfully trying not to rush or multi task. I’m trying not to have catastrophic thoughts of can’t do, no time, etc. I’m doing one thing at a time, putting one foot in front of the other. I think, there is time. I can do it.

I’m moving through my day. Sat with Mark Williams on YouTube for 20 minutes of sitting meditation in the morning. Then I spent 10 minutes free writing for Write Your Journey before heading off to my exercise class. Sheba and I made 2 rounds at the dog park this afternoon. In between things I managed to make 3 jars of kimchi. And now I’m rounding up this post for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It’s not Pulitzer writing but it’s a serious effort to stay on track.

TAKE THE SLOW TRAIN

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Good morning! My hair is standing on end. I feel stiff and awkward like a non functioning robot, but I am here. My fingers are poised over the keyboard, ready to tap. The exercise will loosen me up for the day. I’m used to sit in meditation with Mark Williams daily on YouTube. I’ve been doing it since July. It’s become a habit now. My body cries for the familiar posture. It’s a good way to kick start the day and my brain – to warm and fire up its cylinders. And if nothing else, I will have a strong core and good posture.  Let’s see if it worked.

I’m sputtering and stuttering a bit. What did I expect – smooth sailing? I’m still tired from the busyness of yesterday and trudging through the snow. I have never stalled and stopped completely – yet. Somehow I always manage to stoke the fire and keep going. Maybe I can have another cup of decaf. Maybe I can just sit here, enjoy the sunshine and watch the traffic on Preston Avenue. Would that be such a terrible thing – not doing or trying to get anywhere?

The sun disappeared while I was making my cuppa and unloading the dishwasher. Light and life are so fleeting. Here one minute, then it’s gone the next. Canada and I’m sure, the world, is still reeling over the the crash of Ukraine International Airlines Flight PS752. All 176 passengers were killed. 68 of them were Canadians, mostly students and young professionals. Such a loss and tragedy and the why of it? Where are we going as a world? And will there be a world for the next generations to come?

I cannotmust not stay in the valley of the shadow. I must rise up above to do the best I can and know how. Perhaps that best is to take the slower train, savour the landscape and moments and have my coffee. Tomorrow is another day.

NO GRAVY TRAIN

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This life is no gravy train. It’s a tough ride with no operating manual. That’s right. I’m tired and doing the tiring talk. Have to start somewhere, somehow. Finally sitting down, with nowhere to hurry to except to the supper table. I might have to learn to talk a little faster without all my sighing. It’ll be tough. I feel like falling into my coffee cup, but I’ll give it a serious go.

Go, go, go. That’s what it was today. First to the morning AM Energizer class. Couldn’t miss that because it is very good for my brain and body. Then it’s home and get the rice going in the Instant Pot, get the lettuce into a salad and pop the salmon into the oven. Lunch is ready and served. Time is of essence. I have to catch the bus to the U of S. Parking  on campus is almost impossible unless you want to pay heaps.

My class through SSCL started today at 1:30 pm. It had to snow a whole pile early morning and it’s windy as all get up. It’s a good thing I had registered and paid early. Otherwise, I might not have bothered. As it was, I cursed myself for making the commitment. But that’s the way for me to get somewhere/things done. Left to my drathers, staying in my comfort zone, I could very well turn into a hermit.

I braved the wind, the cold and snow. Caught the bus to and from the U of S. Got home. Walked Sheba around the neighbourhood. We I huffed and puffed trudging through the snow. It was a workout! I surived all that. Supper is over. I’m sipping the last of my wine, tapping the end to this post. Day 8 post completed for the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

THE WEATHER, THE WAY YOU LOOK AT ME AND OTHER EXCUSES

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Good morning! January 7th and day 7 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. The dog and I had a good night of sleep. I’m still feeling the yuckiness of all my recent lack of though. The effects of sleep deprivation has long and lasting footprints on our physical body and mind. I should know having done shift work for over 30 years. I existed on a daily average of 5 hours of sleep. I prided myself on how well I functioned on so little.

I was stupid for wearing that badge of honour. I wonder how much of sleep deprivation played into my ‘blues’/SAD. I blamed many of my failings on the weather, others and other stuff. Even though I knew better, I rarely thought it was the sleep thing though sleep was our/a nurse’s main vocabulary. Did you sleep? and Are you on days off?  My sleep deprived brain was not firing on all cylinders. It’s been limping along as best as it could.

I’ve read somewhere that it takes about 6- 7 years to recovered from long-termed (20 years) shift work. I’ve worked over 30 years doing 12 hour days and nights.  I’m in mine 7th year of retirement. I’m a recovering, almost recovered sleep deprivedaholic. I still have little bouts of sleeplessness. I still blame the weather, the woman next door and other excuses. I have to have a place to lay some of the blame. It’s too much and heavy on just myself. Even so, I try to take responsibility by taking action and moving towards living a meaningful and productive life. Some days are better than others. Some things are easier to do than others. I try taking one step at a time to be stronger and more resilient.

The biggest shift I’ve experienced  was 3 or 4 years ago when I joined an aerobics class at the YWCA. After a month of an hourly class 3 times a week, I felt euphoric. My senses became alive. My head felt so clear and I could see so well. I remembered going wow! driving on the freeway. The view in front of me was panoramic and sharp. Everyone thought I looked so good. Those effects have diminshed as I got used to my new state of well being. The memory of it have kept me on track and to get back on when I have derailed.

Travelling through the last month or so of 2019 has brought another shift. This time in my thought processes and emotions. I’m sifting through the debris to find the nuggets of learning and wisdom. It takes patience, hard work and time. It works best when I put the words, thoughts, events, feelings and what have you onto the page. Those are my trusted tools. On that note I’m ending this post. Another day and a few mumblings. Sheba and I have travelled to the park and back. We made our 2 rounds, romped and talked with our fellow walkers. We hope for another peaceful evening and a night of sweet dreams.

TRUE LIFE NEVER RUNS SMOOTH

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Gosh, I should not have talked about my sleepless nights with Sheba. It brought bad luck. Here we are again on the Midnight Express. There was something bad in the air this evening. It gave me the shivers listening to Donald Trump. Then there was the image of Harvey Winestein pushing his walker and the fires in Australia. Half a billion wild life lost! The world feels foul. No wonder Sheba and I are disturbed. We can feel it all.

We have both taken our melatonins. I hope that will rock us to sleep soon. No use in fretting. I can do something useful in the meantime. Might as well tap a few words for day 6 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Sheba has settled on her pillow. My eyelids are getting heavy. I wonder if she will let me go to bed. Oops! She’s up again. Maybe I will just pull out the comforter and bunk down here. I’ll be optimistic and say, be back in the morning.

It is Monday afternoon. My optimism last night was lost but not completely. The dog was not cooperative in allowing me to sleep. After farting around trying to be productive and not making too much noise, I got fed up with Sheba. I was tired and getting a headache. It was 2 am. I read her the riot act, turned out the light and went to bed. Much to my surprise, it worked. She hung back, then tiptoed into the bedroom and plunk herself on her bed. She was quiet the rest of the night.

I did get some shut eye, maybe 4 hours. It was not a restful sleep. It’s better than none. Nothing is perfect. True life never runs smooth. We’re still on track, clickety clack. Around and around we went. Though it is a bit blustery we made 2 rounds at the park. We’re both full of vim and vinegar. Surprising isn’t it, considering our lack of sleep and our advanced ages. Must be something in the air. I hope the fresh air and exercise will zonk us out tonight.

We I must bolster ourselves myself. I must build up my reserve so that I’m not so easily influenced by the news or whatever in in the air. It makes life ever so much harder feeling and succumbing to every little thing. Time to grow up. I think I have – a little. I’m carrying on as usual. I’m bitching a little. I’m feeling a little crabby. But I’m not crying ‘poor me’.

THE LITTLE TRAIN THAT CAN

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Good morning! The sun is shining. It’s the 5th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I had to get a few difficult things out of the way before plunking myself down here. Otherwise my day would be lost. As much as Sheba hates getting her ears cleaned, it is a weekly must. We learned the hard and expensive way. A perogy ear (ear hematoma) caused by an ear infection, 5 visits to the vet. clinic and 2 weeks of no sleep taught me well. We are starting the new year off with clean ears!

I’m surprised that I didn’t get sick from all that stress. It was not so much the vet visits and the expense. The nights of no sleep were the hardest. She bore the pain stoically, as all dogs do, and was good during the day. However, as soon as it was bedtime, Sheba was anxious, panting and pacing all night long. There were nights when I had to take her out in the backyard 3 or 4 times. That’s what I had to do even in winter, in the middle of the night. I would put on my fake fur coat, pulled the LED toque over my ears and slip my feet into my boots and out we went. It was a little reprieve. I breathed in the fresh cold air and looked at the darkness around us. It was restful.

I didn’t bother hanging up my coat for those 2 weeks. It hung on the back of the chair in the dining room. I never thought of not doing any of that. There had been many nights when I couldn’t sleep in the past. Sheba would get up and be with me. Her quiet presence was comfort enough. I had to do the same for her. I had to be there to make sure she was safe. I could not let her go bumping and bashing into the furniture with her cone collar. I had to be there outside to supervise so she wouldn’t use the bush to take her collar off. I never once thought of I can’t. I can’t. I’m the little train that can. I could. I could. Chug. Chug. I’m rounding the corner. I’m almost there.

I’m a sucker for stories – children’s, fairtales or whatever, that puts in a bit of sunshine and builds me up. They put a little steam into my engine so that I can pull into the next station. Whatever works is my motto.

 

CROSSING THE BRIDGE

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Seems like I’ve been on this trip forever and a day. I’m not ready to get off yet. Some things still work for me. The digging, self reflections – the archeology of my self is a worthwhile journey. At times I do feel a bit egotistical, being so obsessed and self absorbed. But at least I’m not alone in this. It is endorsed by others greater than I.

  • ”You cannot have a meaningful life without having self-reflection.” —Oprah Winfrey
  • ”One of the greatest tragedies in life is to lose your own sense of self and accept the version of you that is expected by everyone else.” —K.L. Toth
  •  ”It is always our own self that we find at the end of the journey. The sooner we face that self, the better.” – Ella Maillart
  •  ”Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” – Carl Jung
  • The journey into self-love and self-acceptance must begin with self-examination… until you take the journey of self-reflection, it is almost impossible to grow or learn in life.” – Iyanla Vanzant
  • ”Honest self-reflection opens your mind to reprogramming, change, success and freedom.” —Unknown

I shall continued on. Perhaps I need to change, to switch onto a different track. I could be more light spirited. I could change the tint of my glasses. Perhaps then I can speak in a different voice. It’s been pointed out to me that my self-blame and guilt could be the result of my lack of control of others’ actions. There’s a lot of truth in that – for myself at least. I’ve crossed that bridge. I’ve come out of the tunnel. I have the understanding now but feelings don’t vanish overnight. I will have to relive those feeling again and again, until I’ve crossed enough bridges and crawled out of many tunnels.

Life is a never ending journey of bridges and tunnels. I haven’t found the way to light heartedness yet. My world is a serious place but I am not full of misery either.

MOMENTUM – THROW GARBAGE OFF THE TRAIN

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It’s almost afternoon on day 3 of the new year and the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Already and still, I’m feeling the weight from the year past. My old self with my old attitudes are making their presence known. I feel crabby, mean and ugly. I’m like a leaky balloon losing hot air. I have no stamina, no power. I’m losing momentum, my wheels slowly grinding to a screeching halt. No more clickety clack. It’s chug, chug, screeeeech!

I’m no damn good, carrying this stuff around, feeling all this guilt. It’s too soon. Counting today, I have 28 more day to go. I have to lighten my load. I have to toss the garbage off the train. I have to save my fuel consumption, build my reserve, live and write smarter. What I don’t need is to carry other people’s stuff. So toss those out first. I remind myself that it’s not the people I’m tossing, it’s their stuff. It’s their business, not mine.

I have such a permeable skin. I absorb everyones’ woes and miseries as if they were my own. I need to develop a thicker skin. I have to learn not to take things so personally. Too bad I don’t feel their joy the same way. Instead, what I feel then is envy and jealousy. I am such a bad person. What a thing to confess, eh? I’m like George Washington. I can’t tell a lie. I’m brutally honest and not proud of it. I’m laying out all the facts in black and white so I can see myself clearly. So that I can accept what is here, what I have to work with. Do I have a full deck to work with?

It’s time to take a break, let go a little, loosen my grip and play a little. No need to be like a dog with a bone.

 

 

ON THE WORD TRAIN

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Good morning! Welcome aboard to this 2nd day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I hope you and I will stay on for the whole ride. I’ve been doing this for a few years now. I have enjoyed and survived most of the challenges, though I did fell off the train in October. Yestery, I climbed back on again. I heard Cat Stevens singing Peace Train in my head and I had to get back on. ” ‘Cause I’m on the edge of darkness. There ride the Peace Train. Oh, Peace Train take this country. Come take me home again.”

Yes, I’ve been on the edge of darkness and I’m riding this train home to the place that I belong. I’m in my chair. The keyboard is the tool of my command centre. And I am the conductor of this train. It’s good to feel in control again. I was lost, awashed without a shore to land on. It is such a comfort to feel the tap, tap beneath my fingertips. I feel anchored and grounded as I watch the letters and words march across my screen. This, then is my drug of choice, my SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor). It takes me out of the dark tunnel and has very little undesirable side effects on me.

I’ve been on the word train on WordPress since 2002. I found it much easier to work with than Blogger. I write for the pure pleasure of putting words and pictures together. Words speak to me in pictures. Pictures speak to me in words. I’ve ridden my soul train through many posts/stations before I realize it was rocking and easing me through the storms of life. It was very good for my brain. I found the Ultimate Blog Challenge perhaps in 2014. In between I found other tribes in Friday Fictioneers and other writing challenges. It’s always good to have company on a long journey – to share a virtual cuppa, ideas and stories.

I can always use some help in organization, format, grammar, etc. I tend to plop down and write off the cuff. It’s no way to be a conductor and run a train. It is my goal that I will get to the final station on January 31 without derailing.