Tag Archives: sleep

I, ME, MYSELF – BEING BEST FRIENDS

Posted on by
Reply

My cold and cough are still with me. They do not make for good company in summer – or any other time of year. Like all bad company, they’re hanging on. My coughing fits woke me a few times in the night. In the end I had to get up and sleep on the couch as before. But at least I did sleep.

Life is very difficult with a nasty summer cold and no sleep. But it still has to go on somehow. I still have to get up, dress up and show up. It’s not an easy task even on an ‘ordinary’ day. Being susceptible to the ‘blues’, I’m being watchful, taking care not to let this take me down the path of depression. I’m alerted to the dangers of the brain not working properly. Anybody can be victims as we’ve seen in recent days with the suicides of Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade. Being a celebrity chef and a fashion designer are not free tickets to life happily ever after.

There’s no shame in depression. There’s no shame in failing to thrive at all times. I just feel bad and annoyed at myself sometimes for the depression. Because really, it is very inconvenient. There’s things I have/want to do. It gets in the way. I’m learning to accept my ‘down’ times. I think my body and brain are telling me they need a rest. I think I better listen. They know me best. If I, me and myself don’t take care of each other, no one will. We are our best friends.

 

 

THINKING ABOUT THINGS

Posted on by
Reply

I was thinking about the other night when I fell instantly asleep. It was very strange and wonderful. I got into bed, laid down. There was not a thought in my head, not a feeling in my mind. I noted the feeling or rather, the no feeling. Then I was gone – to sleep. It’s recent enough I still remember it clearly. Thinking about the other night starts a song playing in my head. It’s a pretty and lively tune. My head is a regular jukebox.

I’m thinking about things. It’s not very often that my head is empty so the other night was significant. That’s a moment worth repeating. The reason why I fell asleep so effortlessly was because of my week of physical activity. I’ve been making it a priority to work out at my best effort in my exercise class Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Then there’s the daily walks with Sheba in our very fresh winter air. Sleep is the best medicine for everything. I should know. I was sleep deprived for many years doing shift work. I did not know how poorly I was functioning till after I’ve stopped. I used to pride myself on how little sleep I needed. That was how stupid I was.

I’ve read that it takes 7 years to recover after that many years of sleep deprivation. I’m halfway there. I do make it a habit to go to bed at the same time each night. I get up a couple of times for nature calls. I don’t turn on the light, avoiding waking myself more. Usually I am able to go back to sleep without trouble. I’m on the right track but I do have odd nights that I have trouble. Who doesn’t?

So I am thinking about things, of what I can do to make everything better. Sometimes it’s better if I don’t. Not everything can/should be fixed. Not everything is my fault. Now, I try a little of sitting with things when they/I go awry. I’m still answering all the call bells, even if only in my head. But I can turn them off with effort now. It’s a false alarm, I tell myself. No need for fixing or tending. Let it be. Ah, I’m hearing Paul McCartney singing. Yes, it’s good sometimes to let things be.

 

THE 11 COMMANDMENTS

Posted on by
Reply

It’s an early morning here with my tea. I’m in a bit of a worry lately over sleep. Anticipation has its reward, meaning I slept in fits and starts. Thankfully I did sleep. I try not to fret too much over that and over fretting. What funny creatures we humans are. As I have said, here I am tap, tapping myself to less worry and fret. I have at least learned to get up, dress up and show up as best as I can.

I was going to give up watching the news last night but I forgot. Maybe that’s a reason for my fitful sleep though I was not as distressed as the other evening. Wendy Mesley did an interview with the Chinese artist Ai Weiwei on his political activism. He is in Canada to receive the 2017 Adrienne Clarkson Prize for Global Citizenship, a prize founded by the former governor general to recognize an individual who “has encouraged thought and dialogue, approaches and strategies that strive to remove barriers, change attitudes, and reinforce the principles of tolerance and respect.” I was happy to have seen this interview. It dispelled some of my feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. He is a man who is not afraid to stand up for his beliefs. He voiced the question: Who are we if we don’t feel the plight of the refugees?

This morning I came across an article about Henry Miller’s 11 commandments on writing and daily creative routine. Pretty sound advice for living as well. I shall pay heed.

    1. Work on one thing at a time until finished.
    2. Start no more new books, add no more new material to ‘Black Spring.’
    3. Don’t be nervous. Work calmly, joyously, recklessly on whatever is in hand.
    4. Work according to Program and not according to mood. Stop at the appointed time!
    5. When you can’t create you can work.
    6. Cement a little every day, rather than add new fertilizers.
    7. Keep human! See people, go places, drink if you feel like it.
    8. Don’t be a draught-horse! Work with pleasure only.
    9. Discard the Program when you feel like it—but go back to it next day. Concentrate. Narrow down. Exclude.
    10. Forget the books you want to write. Think only of the book you are writing.
    11. Write first and always. Painting, music, friends, cinema, all these come afterwards.      

In review, I think I’ve already adopted some of the commandments unknowingly. I’m feeling more optimistic knowing that I’m in good company.

HAVE I TOLD YOU LATELY

Posted on by
2

Have I told you lately how hard life is? Okay, I have. Just about every other post. Not apologizing for it. It’s true. It is so hard, especially when you hit a spell of sleepless nights. After 3 in a week, I started worrying. Should I just take that damn pill for awhile? Then I start worrying about not ever getting to sleep without one.

I decided to have a little faith and tough it out a little longer. I researched and found that nutmeg promotes relaxation and sleepiness. It never hurts to dig deep. Sometimes we think we know it all but there is always something else out there. I went to Dr.Mercola’s site.  He has some good information on getting a good night’s sleep and its benefits.

I tried the nutmeg solution last evening an hour before bedtime. I made a cup of hot chocolate with a pinch of nutmeg, cinnamon and ceyenne. It worked. I slept well, waking up only once during the night for a bathroom trip. I had no trouble getting back to sleep again. To be truthful, I was a little sleepy before the nutmeg. A little insurance doesn’t hurt and it is a nice evening ritual. I shall try it again tonight.

Life truly is frigging hard. There is no doubt about it. Getting a good night of sleep is the best way of getting myself out of a wet paper bag. I’m saved again! I’m sticking to the things that work. Get up, dress up, show up. I am happy to show up at the pool this morning. I front crawl up the lane and back stroke down, blowing bubbles and cares away. Looking forward to sleep again tonight.

 

SLEEP AND DEPRESSION

Posted on by
3

I’m feeling much better this morning after a good night of sleep. I was feeling a bit blue yesterday. And why not? I had been mostly sleepless most of the night before. I had lived that way, mostly on 4-5 hours of sleep most of my working life as a nurse. I prided myself on how well I did on how little I slept. I was foolish. I did not think about the consequences of sleep deprivation. I do now. I am reminded each time I am sleepless.

I felt the beginning of a sore throat on waking. Oh-oh! I hope I am not getting sick. It went away after getting up, washing face and brushing my teeth. I remind myself to drink lots of fluids. I remind myself not to push for ‘accomplishments’ and speed. I have no ‘job’ and ‘boss’ to answer to. I can take it easy and take care of myself.

The sun is playing hide and seek, more hide than the other. It peeks out as I’m tapping. Then it disappears. I feel shadows creeping into my body. I feel them and let them be. The day can be full of tricks. I’ve been here before. The September I went to China, it was cloudy everywhere. In China it was because of the pollution and smog. Back home it was how the weather was. It stayed dark through all  of autumn. It was my most troublesome time with sleep and depression. I invested in a Remington daylight simulating clock . It’s much like the clock from hammacher.com. I went to sleep to the sound of gentle ocean waves and the lighting of the setting sun. I woke to birds chirping and the rising sun. I did not use the aromatherapy bead option. It worked well for me. I used it for a few years.

At the time I did not link my depression and sleeping patterns to my profession. I mostly blamed it on myself. But I also sought treatment and did research on depression and seasonal affective disorder -SAD. I attended workshops given by Dept. of Psychology, University of Saskatchewan. I was assessed for light therapy at the clinic in the hospital. I bought a light box. It was effective. I took up swimming. Then I renovated the house, putting in bigger windows and adding a sunroom. It was well worth the cost.

I’m looking back as I sit, tap tapping here. It has been very difficult, all of it. But I have to say that all of it have enriched me also. I had to reach out and into myself for solutions, to make a liveable and meanful life. I could not just sit and be overwhelmed and depressed by it all. There was always something for me to work on. I don’t think of them as problems but rather solutions. What’s working for me today? So many things -gardening, writing, painting, drawing, aerobics, learning a new interest, conversations. Life is always a wondrous thing.

What works for you?

 

TEDIUM – Day 43 in a year of …

Posted on by
Reply

IMG_6978The truth is life can be tedious, painfully so sometimes – like today.  There’s nothing to be done but to bear it.  I’m afraid I can’t grin.  It is entirely my own fault, having slept too much when we were in the woods.  It was so delicious, curled up in the soft fluffy comforter.  But when you sleep 9 – 10 hours each night for a couple of nights, it catches up with you.  You guess it.  I had a restless, not much sleep last night.

IMG_4658I’m paying for it today – feeling not quite kosher, achy, limbs heavy like cement.  Sheba does not understand ‘tired’.  When it is time for her walk, she barks and barks.  I have to get up.  I have to make the effort.  We go around the block.  She does her business.  She’s happy and we’re home.

I’m doing my business, too.  I’m moving one foot in front of the other.  I’m doing one thing at a time.  I disregard how I feel and move, however fast I can managed it.  At the end of the day, I can say:  I am not behind.  I’m right where I should be.  Some days even when everything in my body hurts and I’m as tired as all get out, it still feel good to move.  I guess you call it rising and answering the call.

I’m happy I’m still making it here.  Till tomorrow.

 

ASSESSMENT – Day 27 in a year of …

Posted on by
Reply

Day 27, August 18, 2016 @2:21

If I was left to my inclinations, I could sleep my days away. Me, the nurse who prided herself on how little sleep she could function on. That was eons, another life time ago. Now, I know better.

In these days of August I find rhythm and purpose to the days despite my sleepiness. The quality of sunlight is changing and the day is shorter. I’m more conscious of my increasing appetite and drowsiness. I fight to keep my eyes open.

It’s good to have projects and challenges. It’s good to share and have support from social media friends from around the globe. There’s camaraderie in Susanna’s Conway’s August Break as we share what the daily prompt means to us in photo’s and words. Where would I be in my 100 Day Project and My year of change without my friends on IG, FB and WordPress? Social media in itself is not bad. It is how WE, human beings use it. In itself, it is inert.

imageA pause is good to stop our frantic doings and to assess the situation – how we are doing, do we need to change directions, do we need to make any changes,are we making progress, etc. Sometimes a pause is forced upon us as in an illness. Sometimes it’s a deliberate act. I’ve had both and prefer the latter.

My pause led me to My Year of doing different Project. It is really a way of life. My different is being awake at the wheel. A stitch in time does save nine. It is better to be late than never. Do you agree?

Till tomorrow then.

SLEEP – Day 18 in the year of…

Posted on by
Reply

Day 18, August 9, 2016 @5:47

IMG_4142My brain is not working well today having had only a few hours of sleep last night.  I have a headache and the stomach has been upset for a large part of the day.  This is because we took our house guests to the airport at 3:30 am.  Having returned an hour later, we were unable to resume our sleep.  I was able to have a short nap in early afternoon.  But I do not feel that much better.

I shudder to think that was how I lived for over 30 years – mostly sleep deprived as a nurse.  I would say I was probably getting 5-6 hours of sleep most days/nights after a 12 hour shift, catching up on days off.  The most frequent question we ask each other was, Did you sleep? The next one was, Are you on days off?

Research have shown that shift work is really bad for your brain.  A decade of long-termed shift work can knock 6 years off memory and thinking skill.  So what will 30 years do? There is a whole host of health hazards associated with sleep deprivation and shift work. It’s scary stuff.  When I was right in the middle of it, I prided myself on how well I functioned on little sleep.  I was probably not thinking clearly at the time.  Now I know better from experience.

Better sleep habits will be foremost on my list of musts.  I know that if I go to bed earlier rather than later, I can get to sleep faster and better.  Here’s to better night of sleep. Till tomorrow.

WHEN I CAN’T SLEEP

Posted on by
Reply

IMG_5548

I hate those nights when I can’t sleep.  Though you try not to stress it, that’s where you end up anyways.  How else could you not be, without sleep?

I find myself here again, tonight, sipping tea and tapping at my keyboard.  Sheba is asleep, curled in her bed, beside me.  How I envy her.  But I will not dwell on that or on frustration.  Instead, I will pause my thinking.  I close my eyes and listen to the quiet.

I can rest, if not sleep in the quiet.  I can breathe into the spaciousness of the night.  I can release all my worries, angst and judgements.  I can let go of the past and dreams of the future.  I can just be here now, in the night, tapping out my words….with no stress or need to be profound.

SO I AM EATING AGAIN

Posted on by
Reply

I am eating again, consuming, filling a void, filling in time, keeping awake.  It is marvelous how good it feels.  The night is endless.

I’ve often wondered how healthy our profession is for us….nurses, the caretakers of bodies and souls.  How conscious are we?  We care for our patients, but do we care for ourselves?  Do we eat properly, get enough sleep and exercise?  Are we kind to each other and our love ones?  Do we have a life and friends outside of work?

Sometimes I am afraid to think about these things and answer truthfully.  I just live with this uneasiness that things are not quite right and somehow the world has left me behind.  Sometimes I am lonely for those days before I entered the world of hospital corridors, bedpan alleys, and twelve hour shifts.  It is disturbing that I feel relief and a sense of homecoming when I enter the underground parkade of RUH.  It is scary.  I am like a rat in a maze!

So these are my ramblings this morning after a twelve hour night shift.  I probably sound crazed and senseless.   It is good that I am in my sun room.  I am surrounded by windows.  I can look out and see the wintry sun peeking through the evergreen trees.  Are those snow flurries, or is it just my tired eyes?  I’m feeling a bit hungry so I’m going to eat….again.