SLIP SLIDING AWAY

Nowadays I find myself asking the question of for what purpose to many things. The biggest being: For what purpose was I born? Then there are those endless smaller ones. Why am I doing anything? I feel as if I’ve lost purpose and heart.  I am Alice falling down the rabbit hole. And so now I am tapping out my anguish bland state of mind. If I don’t, would my mind have the energy to work up a frenzy?

There’s seems to be a purpose for words though, for the tapping of the keyboard. It feels much like a resuscitation of my will, my heart and mind. It is a mystery how it works. Perhaps there’s acupressure points on my fingertips. Whatever and however, I am grateful for a little revival of my spirit. I don’t quite have enough passion to work up a sweat yet. Who knows where the next tap will lead. The point is, I’m moving some body parts. Fingers count. Talking about fingers, I do have some good news. The pain is gone from my left hand. Hallelujah! I’ve had it since May – 10 months ago. It’s almost enough reason to feel joy.

Dang! February is hard. There’s more warnings for extreme cold temperatures for the next while. We did not really feel it today. It being so calm and sunny. Sheba and I went for our twice daily walks. She even hollowed out a nest in the snow and laid in it in the afternoon. Perhaps she thought she was an Eskimo.


It is another day, another cold one. It was -31 Celsius this morning. Driving across the bridge, I could not see far ahead, not beyond to the other side. The mist from the river and the exhaust from the cars occluded everything. I was thinking of the cold but not about minding it. Instead, I felt grateful that I’m not in other parts of the world that have floods, mud slides, volcanoes, earthquakes and the likes. What’s a little cold? I was sitting snug and warm in my car. I have warm clothes. I was not suffering at all.

The moment of gratitude changed my flat mood and attitude. My thoughts affect how I feel but I do have command of what I think. I can see the glass half full or I can see the glass half empty. I don’t have to think of or see the glass at all. I can just watch my thoughts in my mind like a ticker tape parade. I can watch and let them go, forming no opinions and attaching no emotions. It’s a breakthrough moment.

Breakthrough moments are catalysts for change. I shall not waste it. There are already many moments today when I feel myself slipping, sliding back into old habitual thoughts and feelings. I feel the familiar tugs but I am showing a backbone and resisting. I will not be slip sliding away. I will not be disappearing.

FEARS, CURIOSITIES AND PASSIONS

January 6, 2019  6:44 pm

I’m late to the keyboard and hardpressed for words. I’m too full of the day’s activities. My head is full of ‘stuff’. I’m trying not to multi task, doing too much in one day. But when the going is good, when there is flow, I hate to stop. So here I am, a bit stuck and tongue tied. I just need a few minutes and a couple of taps and I’ll be ready to go.

Shortly before Christmas, I accidentally stumbled onto Suddenly Mad, Minna Packer’s blog about her early onset Alzheimer’s. It’s a fascinating and educational read for me. I somehow could relate to some of what she has gone/is going through. I don’t have the disease but her anxiety was familiar to me. I have a great admiration for her effort to put it out there for us. It not only helps me understand the disease more but it’s teaching me to live a better life. Have a read to see if it does the same for you.

I have always have a curiosity and passion for the mind, body and spirit. Minna has given me an even stronger desire to understand our brain and how to keep it healthy and strong. I suppose I had this sense of invincibility in my youth. I stayed up late, drank tons of coffee and smoked. This was even before I was a nurse. When I became a nurse, I was even worse, though I did stop smoking. It is surprising how much abuse our body can take.

Things caught up to me in retirement. I had time to fall apart then. It was a very difficult couple of years. I’m on the other side now. It does feel like I’ve stepped out of the cloud into the light. Now I can feel ease and pleasures whereas before I only felt anxiety and fear. I have a greater appreciation of my time here on earth.

I take care that I get enough sleep. I do get an occasional sleepless night. I’m learning not to stress too much about it when it happens. Aerobic exercise has been my best friend. It cleared my brain fog after a couple of weeks. Helps me sleep better, too. I’m still working on my emotional health. I’m such a reactonary. I need to be a responder instead. Life is not static. No matter where on the road we are, there’s learning always.

It is getting late. I have to close for this 6th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’ll be back tomorrow. Good night.

WALK ON THE WILD SIDE

IMG_6632I’m hard pressed to find something to write about today.  Perhaps I should set mornings to write.  I certainly was awake early today with the realization that I had forgotten to bring the bedding plants inside last evening.  And the overnight low was -3 C!  It was luck that no harm was done.  But I brought them in for a little warm up.

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I found Sheba sleeping in the pale morning light, with her toys around her.  She can sound so fierce at times, but mostly she’s just a big suck, needing a lot of cuddles and pats.

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The morning was warm and sunny as we set out on our walk.  I wondered how many miles we have covered in our 7 1/2 years together, wandering down back alleys, trudging through snowdrifts, ambling along winding paths and walking the straight and narrow.

 

IMG_0269There was nothing wild about our outings except for occasional fields of dandelions in the summer.  But I would have to say that they energized our spirits and restored our souls.

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I life my face to catch the sun and drink in the sweet nectar of its rays.

 

FAILURES, FALLS

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For a few weeks in February, I biked the hilly streets of Lake Havasu in Arizona.  I struggled up the streets, concentrating so hard I barely noticed the houses and yards.  At the top, I would rest and gathered up my courage before I could take the steep plunge down.  Each time I was sure I would take a tumble and fall.  But I never did.

Back home on level ground, with both feet beneath me, I slipped and slid.  My feet flew out beneath me.  I hit the snow-covered ground.  My head snapped up and then banged on the hard ice.  My jaw opened and shut.  I felt indescribable pain reverberating through my head.  I moaned and writhed in the snow.  I heard Sheba whimpered near me.  I was sure I was dying but I didn’t.

Just now I tried a session of nail trimming/grinding with Sheba.  She was good with the muzzle and leash, but no way was she going to have a pedicure.  So I failed – today.

Tomorrow is another day.  And I have as much spirit as my furry baby.  It is a little worn out and limp lately.  Life seems to be full of cares and people needing caring.  But I know I still have it in me all the same.  I can still rise and shine.  I can triumph.

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Aside

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So here I am, away from home, away from familiarity, away from routines and habits. So who or what am I without all my usual trappings?

So in this moment and space, I can be who or whatever I choose. Which facade do I want to discard? Which characteristics do I want to adopt?

Leaving home was not easy….even for a few days. Asking for the time off was not easy. Do I deserve it? Leaving Sheba in the care of others was not easy. I’ve worried and fret but I did the best I could in placing her in a good place


Being away, I’ve learned to let things I cannot do anything about go. Getting away can be difficult. I have felt like I was hanging on by my fingernails as we drove away from Saskatoon, but it has been healthy for my spirit and mind. 
Getting away is getting easier. 

GETTING AWAY

HELLO TO HAPPINESS

I’m sitting here, wishing that I could get rid of the day…the excess baggage from work that often comes home with me.  And so I read and write, re-channeling my energy to a more positive outcome.  Looking at the pumped arms of the motorcyclists in the photo above guides me in a better direction. …hello to happiness, goodbye to sorrow!  Ridding my sorrows can be as easy as that.  Stop thinking.  Put in periods.   Do something else.

I came across someone’s blog tonight about bucket lists, travels and adventures.  I found myself wishing that I could be like that.  To myself, I sounded quite whiny, not an attractive trait at my mature age.  I had to do a quick inventory of my life instantly.  I did not want to feel lacking, wishing for this and wishing for that.   I needed to kick myself and tell a different story.

My life is no small story!  My bucket list is full of travels and adventures of the spirit as well as landscapes:

  1. I was born in China.  Lived in Hong Kong between 6-8 years old.
  2.  Moved to Canada at 8.
  3.  Went to university, business college, took a nursing course
  4.  Travels include NYC, Caribbean, Australia, New Zealand, Japan, revisited parts of China, Europe, Ghana…
  5. Been a waitress, secretary, cashier, nurse
  6. Am a daughter, sister, aunt, lover, mother to my dog

Isn’t that quite impressive?  And I am still kicking, fighting and laughing.