Tag Archives: moods

THE YEAR AHEAD

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These may not be the best of times. It certainly is the strangest of times. Most of all, it is the only time we have. I’m trying to find a way to make the most of it. I’ve been a little frustrated, irritated, a little angry, a little up and a little down, feeling the whole kaleidoscope of emotions. Today I’m feeling more at ease and relaxed. I’ve come through the clouds though it is a cloudy day. No sun at all but it is a mild December day. It is -1 degrees Celsius. It is cooler in the greenhouse, -1.6.

I’ve been frustrated with my clutter, my inefficiency. It seems I’ve been working at it for years. Or have I? I’m probably just spinning in my tracks, going nowhere. I have Stephanie Bennett Vogt’s A Year to Clear on my Kindle app. Maybe it’s time for me to open it and follow it daily. The chapters are in weeks and within days. Surely I can tackle a single day at a time. It will be good training for my errant brain. I really have difficulty concentrating and doing things step by step in order. I often skip the middle of the book and read the ending. I am impatient. I can’t tolerate/enjoy the whole process. Often I don’t make it back to read the whole story.

I’m practicing on being more patient, tapping slowing and patiently on my keyboard. Sometimes my thoughts race ahead of my fingers. It’s torture to proofread but I will start to do that from now on. I’m good at figuring out computer glitches. I tap here and there until everything works. I can’t tell you how or why though. That’s what my brain is like – a mess of synapses snapping away. Order inside and out is what I desire. I will put that down on my list on my Notes app.

The day has progressed into evening. I will shut it down soon. I have opened A Year to Clear. I will take the time to work through the days and weeks. I am taking this week to relax into the process and to reflect on what it is that I want to clear and what to keep. It is not just about stuff. My mind is as cluttered as my dining room table. I will take it slow and easy. I have a whole year ahead.

MONDAY, MONDAY

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Monday morning coming down. May 11th, the calendar pages are advancing. The sun is out shining bright. My day has started. Breakfast over and done with. I’ve shaped my sourdough loaves. They are chilling in the fridge. They can chill up to 24 hours. The longer they stay, the tastier and more stable they get. That is what they say. Maybe I will wait to bake them tomorrow morning and test out the theory.

My Sheba and I are growing old together. She has a little more white than I do. Her hips are worse off, too, giving her trouble these last couple of weeks. I try not to feel too bad or sad when I see her stumble. She still loves her walks and able to go up and down the deck stairs. There’s a few more things I can do to help her like doing range of motion on her hips. She’s content to let me massage and brush her, even on her backend. She is already on fish oils and glucosamine. I will try to wean a little weight off her. It will be a task as she loves food. I’m adding a little ground flax to her food and see if that will help. I hear that cumin is a good anti inflammatory. We will check with the vet.

Mornings are my best time. It is late afternoon. My mood and energy are sagging and dragging the floor. It is impossible to work on the hard stuff when I’m feeling thus. Bad habits are hard to break but I did get the kohlrabi and broccoli seedlings transplanted. They were beyond leggy and flopping over. Gardening has not been easy this year. I keep plodding along. I will be glad for my persistence and efforts come harvest time. I think of the reward to keep myself moving along.

Excuse my monotone. I’m struggling to finish this post. I find myself struggling with everything. I just have to take life in smaller bites and swallows these days. You wonder why I bother with my mutterings. Sometimes I wonder, too. But I’m the better for showing up here. It gives me order to my day. The rhythm of the keys tapping calms and soothes me. It gives me purpose. It records my moods, problems and helps me find workable solutions. It keeps me sane.

 

DO SOMETHING ELSE

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Autumn is not the best season for me. I could say that about winter, spring and fall, too. Rather than labelling myself with a disorder, I’m choosing to acknowledge that I’m sensitive to weather and seasonal changes. But aren’t we all? We all respond to changes in temperature and light in our own unique ways. Some more than others.

I’m doing much better now than when I was younger. Experience is a good teacher. Being more physically fit makes a huge difference. I’m feeling blessed though I still grumble alot. Well, I do feel so sleepy throughout the day. Sometimes it’s hard to get things done. Good ideas and creativity seem out of reach. My concentration – where the hell did it go? And forgetfulness! Sometimes I feel the need to set a reminder to take my meds. I woke up at 4:am one time and remembered I didn’t take my bedtime hypertensives. Then there’s the crankiness.

I was so cranky this morning at the YWCA. The locker room was so crowded at my usual spot. The women were visiting and talking animately. I could not access my usual locker. I was rather miffed but went to a different row. Why fight the crowd? When I was leaving I received a few ‘looks’ from women who were not used to seeing me there. We are so set and territorial about lockers and seats even when our names are not on them. It’s healthy to upset our apple carts once in awhile.

My apple cart was further upset when I got into the gym for the tabata class. It was abuzz with loud chatter and too many bodies. Equipment were in scarcity. The lights overhead extra bright. My crankiness got cranked up. I curled my lips and bared my teeth. I kept quite though and exited to the weight room instead. Why foist my moody self on unsuspecting innocents, eh?

I was at a loss of what to do at first. I migrated to a treadmill and turned it on low. I worked up to a speed of 3.5 which is nothing to brag about. It was enough to earn a mild sweat after 30 minutes. I broke out in a profuse menopausal soak on the recumbant bike. Even my ears were dripping. I’m embarrassed to say it was less than 10 minutes in broken starts and stops. I finished my hour with 20 minutes of qigong. I felt refreshed and uncranked. All the apples back in my cart.

THE STORM, SHEBA AND SLEEP

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We had another thunderstorm last evening. The rain hammered fiercely on the roof. It was noisy. Sheba was either too tired from the night before or else she was not bothered by the energy of this storm. She did perked up from her pillow, wandered about warily, going to the door, listening to the rain and thunder. But she did settled back on her pillow after some reassurance and petting.

The rain stopped before bedtime. We went to bed and all had a good night’s sleep. Not a peep from Sheba. How wonderful sleep felt after a night without. It is the best medicine. I felt strung out all day yesterday with the kind of tired that doesn’t let you sleep. I was a walking zombie for lack of a better description. It felt like somebody had died. It felt like a depression. I felt like behaving badly. I didn’t because I knew better.

I’m not one who rises singing. I felt like it this morning. But my lack of sleep the other night still affected my mood through the day. It went in and out. I felt pesky and irritated at times, wanting to act out. I didn’t but accepted my moodiness. I let myself feel whatever came up. I didn’t squish or squash them. They were left to do a slow simmer inside while I behaved my best on the outside. I am becoming a good Buddhist. Thank you, Pema Chodron for your wisdom.

It’s a beautiful day after the 2 rains. The temperature is perfect, with a light breeze. I could sit on the deck in the middle of afternoon. It was wonderful in my outdoor studio, painting my little index cards. Sheba is always nearby, the birds chirping in the cedars and I have my cuppa. I take care not to dip my brushes in it instead of the water. I sometimes struggle with the prompts for Daisy Yellow ICAD Challenge. But today they just came. It was so much fun, so satisfying.

Now it is getting to be almost 9 in the evening. It is still light, a splash of pale sun against the garage wall. It is so calm, a mellow yellow and tender evening. I can sit here and gaze at it forever if it lasts. But soon the light will disappear. Dusk will come, followed by the dark of the night. It is time for me to finish though it feels like I have a ton of conversation left in me. Nothing exciting or profound. They’re just the little stuff of this ordinary life. They’re as elusive as the butterfly and they fly away as quickly. I will have to wait for another day to catch them again.

MY WHY OF BLOGGING AND CHALLENGES

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Good morning and Happy Canada Day! It’s July 1, the first day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am going to show up here daily for the next 31 days with my chatterings. I enjoy challenges. They offer me an opportunity to be disciplined and accountable. It’s also a chance to meet and interact with other bloggers. I have a few rules for this space of mine. These are that I be:

  1. Truthful
  2. Respectful
  3. Hopeful
  4. Helpful

What I hope for this month is to get up, dress up and show up each morning. It will be my mindfulness practice of being present and alert before my keyboard, breathing in and out with each tap of on the keyboard. It does take away my thoughts of my morning physical discomforts. I am in the moment of forming thoughts and ideas. I am stretching and reaching with each finger. I am a proper typist. No pecking away with two fingers. I had graduated from Saskatoon Business College way back in the ’70s. I’ve had a class in typing using an IBM Selectric Typewriter. It does not have a moving carriage. The little ball travels back and forth.

It is late in the afternoon. I’ve had a good start in the morning. Making a commitment to write every day gives me structure. Having structure helps my disorganized brain focus and get with the program.  Thoughts just get lost, rattling around in my brain. But if I tap them out here, I can see them in physical form. Then I can act upon them. And act I did. I put some sweat in the garden this morning before it got too hot. Now without the weeds I can clearly see the 2 rows of peas. Much more pleasing to the eye than before. I timed it right as the rains came in the afternoon. This is how I can get things done.

I’ve mentioned more than once or twice about my disorderly moods. This space and challenge has provided me with a purpose to show up and do. I don’t have a business to build or promote. I am not interesting in making money but I am in having a purpose. I can get engaged in constructing hopefully an interesting and informative post. I can converse about what is important and helpful to me. I like to think that I can motivate a reader or two. I will strive for better construction and proof reading. I will work for it. Happy blogging to my fellow bloggers.

THIS EVERY DAY THING

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Here I am, back in this space, tapping out my words and thoughts. It’s easy to let go of things, routines, habits, dreams and desires. I always have to pull myself up by the bootstraps and rise from my ever present inertia. It is easy for me to go with the flow but it is not good for me. I have to row against the tide. Otherwise I will be just treading water,  to keep from drowning in the sea of clutter and unfinished projects. The Jesus cross stitch is one of many. I’ve started it many years if not decades ago. My starts are in fits – weeks, months and years apart. I will have to do better than that to get it finished. I can do better. I can work on it for 20 minutes a day to see what results I get. I will start now.

I am surprised that I can get in quite a few stitches in 20 minutes. I am now on day 2 of my project of getting things done. I’m applying the same method to read the Mindfulness Prescription for Adult ADHD, 20 minutes/day. I’m being accountable by being here, tapping out the results. I’m going through some emotional turmoils today. I’m being mindful, observing my feelings in the moment, not running away from them. But I do not want them to colour me for the rest of the day and forever. I’m implementing small moments to interrupt my blues. There’s many short inspiring videos on YouTube that does the trick for me. Oprah is very cheerful and peppy.

What works the best for me is, of course, getting up and making that cuppa. It changes my posture and my environment. I have to get up and go to the kitchen to put the kettle on. My thoughts and emotions get a short interruption. It’s like that for me today. But I have the Jesus stitches in and the reading done. A few squares of free motion stitching on my table cloth are done without mishap. I’ve started an index card painting and am trying to finish this post. I’m still singing the blues on and off but the important thing is I can turn it off. It’s good enough.

I FOUGHT MYSELF AND I WON

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January 4, 2019  4:41 pm

I have heard that I’m my own worse enemy. It could be true. I’m always wrestling with myself, getting myself all knotty over nothing alot of the time. Life shouldn’t have to be that difficult or complex. It does not need micro managing. A little chaos now and again keeps it fresh and interesting. I need to loosen up, have a little fun and just do the best I can. Nobody is judging me except myself.

How am I going about doing it? Well here is the plan. It’s not well-laid but it’s a start. Movement/action is the most important thing. Otherwise I’ll be crouched and frozen at the starting line till I fall over.

  •  Stop judging and comparing myself. It is probably the most difficult thing.
  • Try not to fall off the plan. If I do, I need to get back on or adjust if it’s not a good one.
  • the 3 musts – sleep, diet, exercise
  • Do Julia Cameron’s Morning Pages and Artist Dates.
  • Tend to things as they arise. Do not leave them for the morrow.
  • Read The Four Agreements again.

These are some of the things in my plan. They are enough for now. More can be too much and overwhelming. These grey wintry days are hard for me and my moody personalities. I can’t see my evil twins. They come from the inside out, erupting from within. I am without warning. But I am a little more cognizant now but often I forget till after the damage is done.

My moody sisters can stall me, leaving me open mouthed and stammering. What the hell? It takes a little while before things click and I take back control.  But sometimes they do steamroll over me. I’m flattened and down without recognizing their handiwork. It is those times I fall off the wagon and lack the will/strength to climb back on. What is the use, was my mantra.

I try not to say that or other negatives any more. Words are powerful and what I tell myself and others matter. I have to change and sing a different tune.

 

 

MY PRETEND SWIM

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These cloudy wet autumn days are starting to get on my nerve! Sheba is getting on that one nerve that’s left, too. Every time I get up, I feel like I’m getting a FBI escort. Most of the time I’m just heading to the kitchen to get a cuppa. She’s thinking food. Me also if I was telling the truth.

I can do absolutely nothing about the weather. I sure feel its changes though – summer, autumn, winter and spring. I’m a sensory being. I feel all the changes of temperature, pressure and probably even wind velocity. I probably have more feelers than most people. You would think I’m a spider with all these feelers. It has its advantages and disadvantages. I’m only aware of the disadvantages right now – the aches, pains, fatigue, sleepiness and then there’s the moods.

The advantages are maybe coping has pushed me to investigate the whys, wherefores and hows to have a good life despite everything. I’ve been an avid reader of anything and everything pertaining to depression, chronic pain, SAD, nutrition, supplements, mindfulness, etc. I’ve eased up a bit in the last few years. I’m spending more time dabbling with my paints and sewing machine. Being engaged in meaningful and rewarding activities take my mind off those nagging and distressful symptoms of pain and anxiety. I must be producing those feel good endorphins with my paint brushes and Bernina.

These days, I try to think of solutions instead of staying in my pit of misery. I didn’t make it to my Saturday morning swim yesterday. I did today even though I felt like hell. I felt green with total body pain and fatigue. I didn’t voiced any declarations the night before in case I couldn’t live up to it. To make it a successful mission, I had to plan for success. I packed my gym bag with all my necessities way ahead. When the time came, I just had to walk out the door with it. I eliminated excuses and delays. There was no searching for my shampoo, goggles, earplugs, etc.

I didn’t plan for an Olympic swim today. It was just a splash or two. It was just to wet and loosen up my body. It was just a pretend swim. And that’s what it was – 6 lengths up and down the pool. Then a few minutes in the whirlpool. Mission completed. I stopped and visited my mother on the way home. She fed me goji soup and gave me some Chinese pastries given to her from her friends. I don’t say no to my mother when she offers me her soup. I am happy that she is still able to make it. I can’t say no either when she gives me stuff. That’s my mother – giving.

WRITING BADLY AND OTHER INADEQUACIES

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I have a million things to do but here I sit, tapping listlessly. It’s 26 degrees Celsius outside. Too hot to take the fur ball for her walk and too late to go to the river. Guess we will wait till it the sun goes down a bit. It’s good day for the solar panels. Making electricity while the sun shines.

I feel a tad melancholy. No worries though. It’s not as bad as my writing. I do have some good news. I had a dental appointment this morning. Teeth cleaned and buffed. No cavities! I’ve set up lawn mowing service for my parents for the summer. Their insurance claim for house damages from last summer’s hail storm dealt with. Contractors to do repairs set up. It does help to solve problems as they come up and do follow ups. Less build up of stress. Today I can afford to mope – but not for long.

Things/life never let up. I know that now. I cannot get blindsided. I know how things go. What goes up must come down. That is gravitas/gravity. I wish I could be less grave, be more light-hearted. But I seem to dwell in the valley of seriousness. I hate frivolity. I can’t even imagine being jocular. Can I blame it on my childhood? What if I told you that my paternal grandmother was a very grumpy person. She didn’t like girls. Good thing she had 3 sons and no daughters. I think she nattered at me alot when I was small. My father was/is a grumpy person also. I’ve heard the story of how he tossed me out on the steps in one of his moods. I was 2 years old. So I got my grumpiness quite honestly – through my genetics. Does that get me off the hook?

Then there’s my maternal grandparents. They literally had to run for their lives – from the Communists. My grandfather got away to Hong Kong. So they put my grandmother in jail instead. It’s a story I’ve told before. Both of them have passed now but they had a few good years reunited with their children, including my mother, in New York City. Their story is in our marrow forever. We are a very serious family.

That is not to say that I/we don’t experience joy. Just don’t expect me to be gleeful in an exuberant manner. I always feel guilty and lacking for not being ‘that’. At the same time, I am not full of gloom and doom. Though I might sometimes sound like I’m apt to leap off a cliff, I am not ‘that’ either. I think it’s not the writer’s feelings the reader is interpreting but rather his or her own. I am a hopeful person mostly. That surprises me, too!

 

THOUGHTS, WORDS, MOODS

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I ate all the leftovers brought home last night from the Mandarin Restaurant. Zero waste with one plate and a fork to wash. I enjoyed it but it did not pass my mother’s taste buds. Not enough ingredients. Ingredients not good quality. Not very much meat. These were her pronouncements. I have to admit that I am not very discerning. Like Sheba, I like anything edible. She was right about the meat part – small and covered up with a lot of veggies. It was perfect for me. I’m not over sated from a few chicken pieces and a pile of bok choy.

I’m enjoying my second cup of Orange Pekoe tea for the day. I can feel myself wanting another cup. I will refrain. I will tap a few more words, rise and clear up the few dishes. Then I better get started with the bread. It will interrupt my Orange Pekoe craving and keep the flow of the day going. I’ve discovered that I could get a lot done by spending a little bit of time doing this and that. It also breaks up bouts of grumpiness, surliness and depression.

I don’t want to mislead anyone about my moods. I am certainly grumpy alot of the time, especially when I was working. But I wouldn’t call myself that now. The same goes for the depression. I am one who feels things deeply. I have been told that I have high standards and I hold everyone to them. I still have the same high standards. I’ve let go of the hold though. What anyone else does is no concern of mine. It took awhile for me to see it. Seeing it now, I feel so foolish. Such a busy body I am, judging others. Most of all, such a waste of energy! It took me away from caring for myself.

You see – I can learn. I can talk a new talk and do a new walk. I don’t have to keep going down the same garden path. The dough is poofing in the oven and I’m sitting with my decaf. I am a little pooped from standing, mixing and kneading. I’m happy to sit till the timer calls me to punch the dough down, shape it into loaves and poof again. It was some wonderful quiet time kneading and slapping the dough into a ball. It was like a love affair of some sort. Needless to say, it was very satisfying. Even Sheba was cooperating, not barking her fool head off.