So..I’m experiencing a low grade kind of the blues. It’s the kind of nibbles on the edges of my mind, keeping me a bit uncomfortable, feeling guilty, feeling selfish. It’s whispering to me that I can do more, be more of this and that. It’s kind of convincing though not necessarily the truth. I thought it best I come here and toss things around like you would a salad. The heavy stuff tend to sink to the bottom. I like to bring some of them up to the top. I like to have a good look at them.
I had to get another cup of tea, of course, and have a scroll through social media and star gaze a little. Not that I am such a fan of Nicole Kidman and Keith Urbane. I’ve seen some of her movies but I’ve never listened to his music. I like Johnny Depp as an actor, but he is kind of a scary dude with a sinister smile. And all those rings! I bet they can cause serious damage if they connect with your face. I’ve never heard of Amber Heard before this but I believe her. I am really surprised at how much support Johnny Depp is getting and how much trashing Amber is getting, even from women. But enough of this movie stars shit. What about me?
Yes, what about me? I’m trying not to let my moods and feelings interfere with life. I am listening to them and giving them due respect. The thing is no matter how I feel, I still have to get up, dress up and show up. No matter what, I would feel better if I wash my face, brush my teeth and fashion my hair in the morning. I’m really wisening up – late. It’s better than never. I could save myself time and angst if I develop some good followup habits. What do I mean? Okay, some examples:
meditate every moring to clear my mind. It helps to keep distraction to a minimum.
complete each task and put everything back in place before moving on
write down reminders
do what I can today rather than tomorrow
throw out things that are of no use today rather than tomorrow
make a daily schedule of what needs/want to do
schedule regular write times here. So I will show up here Monday, Wednesday and Fridays. They coincide with my aerobic exercise classes. They will be my whining times to get things off my chest, to hatch new ideas, to mark my progresss.
I think this is enough for today. Best keep it short and not overwhelm myself. Too much could and would throw me off track. I have successfully tossed my salad. The weighty stuff dealt with and nothing nagging on the edges of my mind. No voices whispering in my ear.
I feel anxiety and the blues nipping at my heels. What did I expect anyways? I listened to too many podcasts this morning. I should have just listened to the silence while making bread instead. I could have listened to the dough rising. Instead I listened to Oprah interviewing Tara Westover about her book, Educated. It’s an inspiring story but it’s difficult to listen to the stories of her dysfunctional family. It’s a book I will still read.
After that, it was the episode about the UN biodiversity report of how many species of living plants and animals are disappearing around the world. It’s damn depressing and scary stuff on top of climate change.
“Extinction looms over one million species of plants and animals worldwide, scientists said.”
It’s news I rather not know. But how can we not, even though some proclaim that there’s no such thing as climate change and dispute the facts presented by scientists? These days we are living with unease just barely beneath the skin. I feel it humming through my body and psyche. I could not listen to the next podcast that came up –As permafrost thaws in Canada’s Arctic. I had to shut it off. I am a chicken shit. Now I’m sitting here, trying to tap out my residues of fear and the blues. I no longer try to run away from them. Running makes them come after me. But perhaps I can do a walk away. It’s that time of day for Sheba’s walk. A little sunshine and fresh air are good for the soul but not so for the bogeymen.
Here I am, back in this space, tapping out my words and thoughts. It’s easy to let go of things, routines, habits, dreams and desires. I always have to pull myself up by the bootstraps and rise from my ever present inertia. It is easy for me to go with the flow but it is not good for me. I have to row against the tide. Otherwise I will be just treading water, to keep from drowning in the sea of clutter and unfinished projects. The Jesus cross stitch is one of many. I’ve started it many years if not decades ago. My starts are in fits – weeks, months and years apart. I will have to do better than that to get it finished. I can do better. I can work on it for 20 minutes a day to see what results I get. I will start now.
I am surprised that I can get in quite a few stitches in 20 minutes. I am now on day 2 of my project of getting things done. I’m applying the same method to read the Mindfulness Prescription for Adult ADHD, 20 minutes/day. I’m being accountable by being here, tapping out the results. I’m going through some emotional turmoils today. I’m being mindful, observing my feelings in the moment, not running away from them. But I do not want them to colour me for the rest of the day and forever. I’m implementing small moments to interrupt my blues. There’s many short inspiring videos on YouTube that does the trick for me. Oprah is very cheerful and peppy.
What works the best for me is, of course, getting up and making that cuppa. It changes my posture and my environment. I have to get up and go to the kitchen to put the kettle on. My thoughts and emotions get a short interruption. It’s like that for me today. But I have the Jesus stitches in and the reading done. A few squares of free motion stitching on my table cloth are done without mishap. I’ve started an index card painting and am trying to finish this post. I’m still singing the blues on and off but the important thing is I can turn it off. It’s good enough.
January 14th, 9:30 am. The sun finally shows itself. The day is supposed to be longer. It’s only so minusculely, lengthening by mini seconds daily. Patience and fortitude are the words necessary for this month. I picture myself sitting stalwart and at attention like the lions guarding the entrance to the New York Public Library. They sit proud and strong, through thick, thin and smog. They do not waver. They endure in sun, rain, sleet and snow. That is how I want to be. That’s how I can be. I have knowledge. I have training. I have tools.
I am sitting in sunshine, in the warmth of my space, starting a new day. I’ve gotten up, dressed up with make-up and earrings even. I’ve smarten up, pulling up my pants and bootstraps. So it is January. It is cold, dark and difficult. What can I do about it? I can turn on the lights, crank up the heat and put one foot in front of the other. I don’t have far to go. I don’t have to go anywhere at all, except to the bathroom now and then. I got tired of listening to my same whiny words. Maybe they were just thoughts nobody heard except myself.
I do believe in the power of words and action. If you don’t like something, do something about it. I find it troubling yesterday posting for Gentle January 2018 for the prompt I WANT. All that I could feel was the emptiness of wants. I do not hunger or lust after any material wants beyond those of shelter, clothing and food. I wonder if a psychologist would label me depressed on an interview. I am not even othered much by Sheba’s hair and muddy paw tracks on the floor. Imagine! Muddy paws in January. It’s no wonder I am depressed if I am.
But wait! I do lust after a cup of tea/decaf, a sit in the sun with a good book. I am not totally bland. I still feel that dull gnaw of ugh in my being. I keep it on these pages only. Who could possibly understand ughs? Oh, certainly not those perpetual joyful souls. I tried to smooth out my whines with my little index card paintings. Sometimes I can eke out some slivers of comfort and joy with brushstrokes in the night. Time is not wasted in sleeplessness, tossing and turning. I have something to show in the morning. Life can be dang challenging. But I did say I like challenges, didn’t I? No worries. I’m going to bake them away making Toll House Squares. There’s nothing like the smell of chocolate baking to chase the blues away. How about you? Do you get the blues?
August days can be perfect days. August days can be trying days. Clouds and sun chased each other all day, each determined to outshine and out shadow the other. They have been playing havoc with my mind and mood for the last couple of days. Charlotteville and now Barcelona add their drama to the mix.
How do you tackle these days, whether they be in summer, spring, winter or fall? I haven’t had to deal with them for quite awhile. My year of doing different must be making a difference. Even though I’m not feeling terrific, I am feeling a sense of accomplishment. I still have desires and purpose. I am feeling annoyed I got tripped up though. But then I am human. There are no perfection in this journey.
What I can and will do is to sit with my feelings and tap out my words. They are but physical discomforts. I will feel them, observe and let them be. I will carry on with this experience a little slower and with more attention. In the past, my first instinct was to rid these feelings as fast and as soon as possible. It didn’t really work. It has to bide its own sweet time. It demands to be acknowledged and felt.
This is what I am doing – acknowledging and feeling with every tap, tap. I have turned off the television, silencing the reporting of our human horror drama we are living in. We are in tumultuous times. We can hear a pin as soon as it’s dropped. The world is at our back door. We can no longer ignore anything.
But life is still sweet. The sun rises and sets as always. There’s the total solar eclipse to look forward to on August 17th. I’m breathing in and out, getting up, dressing up and showing up. Sometimes I fake it till I make it. But my fakes are getting better and better. I could do with less verbalizing. It usually doesn’t help much. Sometimes it makes me feel worse. It happens. That happens. But I feel pretty good about my accomplishments today. Painting and baking are good things to do on a day like today.
I’m in a quagmire of procrastination. Caught in stagnation of unable or no desire to go forward, sideways or backwards. So here I sit, hoping to tap away my blues. Don’t get me wrong. I might sound morose and am feeling morose, but I’m A-okay. It’s the flux and flow of my nature. It’s what’s out there in the universe. It’s what’s in me. Sometimes there are blue skies. Sometimes there’s not. There’s cycles of the seasons. There’s the cycles of me.
I’ve been navigating my ship for awhile now. I’ve learned the ropes, when to ease and trim the sails. I’ve read the manuals and chartered the course. There are times when there are too many storms. I’m blown off course and/or too fatigued. I’ve allowed myself extra time and more rest. It feels as if I’m stuck but I’m just going at a different pace, in a different direction. I’m going with the wind.
I’m feeling a little better, a little unstuck. I’m learning not to fight the nature of things. Everything in good time. The world is still spinning around and around. I don’t need to. I can sit and stay for awhile.