good habits

WHINING TIMES

So..I’m experiencing a low grade kind of the blues. It’s the kind of nibbles on the edges of my mind, keeping me a bit uncomfortable, feeling guilty, feeling selfish. It’s whispering to me that I can do more, be more of this and that. It’s kind of convincing though not necessarily the truth. I thought it best I come here and toss things around like you would a salad. The heavy stuff tend to sink to the bottom. I like to bring some of them up to the top. I like to have a good look at them.

I had to get another cup of tea, of course, and have a scroll through social media and star gaze a little. Not that I am such a fan of Nicole Kidman and Keith Urbane. I’ve seen some of her movies but I’ve never listened to his music. I like Johnny Depp as an actor, but he is kind of a scary dude with a sinister smile. And all those rings! I bet they can cause serious damage if they connect with your face. I’ve never heard of Amber Heard before this but I believe her. I am really surprised at how much support Johnny Depp is getting and how much trashing Amber is getting, even from women. But enough of this movie stars shit. What about me?

Yes, what about me? I’m trying not to let my moods and feelings interfere with life. I am listening to them and giving them due respect. The thing is no matter how I feel, I still have to get up, dress up and show up. No matter what, I would feel better if I wash my face, brush my teeth and fashion my hair in the morning. I’m really wisening up – late. It’s better than never. I could save myself time and angst if I develop some good followup habits. What do I mean? Okay, some examples:

  • meditate every moring to clear my mind. It helps to keep distraction to a minimum.
  • complete each task and put everything back in place before moving on
  • write down reminders
  • do what I can today rather than tomorrow
  • throw out things that are of no use today rather than tomorrow
  • make a daily schedule of what needs/want to do
  • schedule regular write times here. So I will show up here Monday, Wednesday and Fridays. They coincide with my aerobic exercise classes. They will be my whining times to get things off my chest, to hatch new ideas, to mark my progresss.

I think this is enough for today. Best keep it short and not overwhelm myself. Too much could and would throw me off track. I have successfully tossed my salad. The weighty stuff dealt with and nothing nagging on the edges of my mind. No voices whispering in my ear.

FEELING GOOD WHEN I’M FEELING BAD

Sometimes my emotions can turn on a dime. I’m paying attention to identify the triggers. Maybe it is just a matter of my chemistry being altered and any one thing can upset my apple cart. By now I have had enough experience with my history, I don’t need to run off to the psychiatrist’s couch to lament or to ask for a prescription. I’ve also stopped reading those self-help books and taking online courses on how to fix myself. I have graduated from life’s school of hard knocks with a prestigious PhD. I am my own Personal Health Doctor.

No one knows me better than myself. It is about time that I listen and trust in me. It is only natural that we have good and bad days. What goes up, must come down. I should listen to the Blood, Sweat and Tears and “ride a painted pony, let the spinning wheel spin”. In other words, get on the damn merry-go-round and ride it out. It will eventually stop. So that’s what I’m doing – riding it out.

In the meantime I’m still living and feeling whatever it is that is here in me. I’m not trying to fight it off like I used to. That would be a form of self abuse, wouldn’t it, to deny part of yourself? Is self love not encompassing all parts of the self, the good, bad and ugly? Though it is hard, I do try to sit with all my physical and psychological discomforts. My natural inclination has always been to run away. It never works. It comes back again and again. And now, after I have stopped running, it comes back less and less. My bad feels better and better.

What is it that I do besides not running away? Well, nothing special. I just carry on with daily life as best as I can. I still have to get out of bed, dress up and show up. It’s doing all those boring things like brushing my teeth and other personal hygiene routines. It’s having nutrituous meals and getting fresh air and exercise. It’s keeping house and having hobbies. It’s showing an interest in life and others. Even when I don’t feel like it, I act like I am. There’s wisdom in faking it till you make it. One thing for sure is I never feel like just curling up and sleeping it off.

No matter how I feel, I can still bake – bread, cookies, muffins. It’s comforting to measure, mix and kneed. The aroma of bread and chocolate chip cookies baking is very healing. No matter how slow and sluggish I am, I still took apart a long winter coat, lining and all. Somehow, some way I will find the energy to revamp it into a different coat. Recently I sew up 2 pairs of panties from an old t-shirt. It’s good to have something to take apart when you’re feeling out of sorts. Then there’s painting. It’s also a good thing when you’re feeling blue and that your life is nothing. In those moments, I feel it’s ok to just splash paint and make a mess on the canvas. I am so delighted when something nice comes out of it. Then there’s writing. The tap, tap, tap on the keyboard is very relaxing and therapeutic. And I get to let out my angst. There’s pleasure in putting in and arranging my photos, too. I love reading other people’s words. Today I’m rereading Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre. The last time was when I was in high school.

MORINGA TEA CEREMONY

I used to take pride in how little sleep I need. I thought I did fabulous on 4-5 hours sleep a day/night. I used to be an idiot, a crabby one at that. I was deluding myself on many fronts. Now that I’ve recovered from my sleeplessness mostly, I know I don’t do well when I have a sleepless night. I had one last night for whatever reason. I like to blame the weather for many of my miseries. I am sure it is warranted.

I’m muddling through my day the best I can. I’m happy that the bread and rhubarb crisp got made yesterday. The good habits that I’ve developed are carrying me over. I can probably bake bread in my sleep. After a few years, using the same recipe I know all the measurements of all the ingredients. Mishaps do happen sometimes. It’s not a disaster. I still get bread of a sort. It happened only once. Then the bread became biscuits for Sheba. It made excellent flatbread and probably pizza dough if I had been thus inclined.

I probably had only 2-3 hours of sleep last night. I’m feeling slightly proud that I’ve been up since 5 am. I planted most of my raised beds this morning before it got too hot. Now it’s all clouded over. I can hear the wind and we’ve had a splash of rain. Turbulent weather and me don’t go well together. I probably felt the storm brewing during the night. Well, it’s good for the garden. There’s always a positive side.

I’m not really sleepy. I could take a nap if I was. Instead, I’m just strung out. I have an ache in the furrow between my eyes. My throat is scratchy and sore. I hope I don’t get sick. Perhaps I shall brew a pot of Moringa tea. I’ll see if it’s as good as they say. It’ll probably take more than one cup and more than one day’s drinking. Do I have the patience? Will I like it enough or will I revert back to my Orange Pekoe? I’m like a child not wanting to try new tastes. I will practice savouring. Perhaps I could develop a ceremony with it every afternoon while I am in my tapping mode.

I’ve finished one cup of tea. I’m less edgy. The furl between my eyes more relaxed. Whoa! I better go and get another cup. Oh, the sun has popped out again. O happy day after all.