WEEKEND MORNINGS COMING DOWN

It’s Saturday morning, September 25th. It’s sunny and warm – 17℃. I should be happy but I am quirky and irritated as hell. I am living in the moment of how it is. I had a restless sleep, waking up every couple of hours. Things creep under my skin, unwelcomed as they are. I am pissed at the ineptitude of our government, the stupidity, ignorance and selfishness of anti-maskers,anti-vacs and conspiracy theorists. How can we go from stringent restrictions for Covid to have them all lifted on July 11th? There was no easing in period to see what would happen. The outcome was quite predictable given that the variant was already in our midst and that it is much more contagious.

It is Sunday morning, September 26th. Another beautiful sunny day at 16℃. It is 20℃ in the greenhouse. It’s pretty fabulous for this time of the year. My cucumbers and bittermelons are thriving. I’ve lost count of how many and which of the little starting cukes I have pollinated. The tomatoes and peppers are still going strong. I am really surprised at all the new growth. This is my therapy room. I feel better the moment I step into it.

I am feeling a tiny bit more cheerful, having gone to bed super early last night. I had a good sleep the first 3 hours. Then it was awake every 2 hours. It’s like my body was on alert, waiting for something to happen. I’m not fretting over it. It is what it is. My kitchen drain is still not free flowing. I will give it till after the weekend and the bottle of enzyme is finished. A professional plumber might be in order. Somethings you can’t be stubborn about.

The other day I noticed how difficult it was for me to focus. I had trouble even looking at a flyer. I see the pictures but the information was not travelling to my brain. I’m buggered! I need to get my mind back. This time I am working on not going down the same old paths. They haven’t been too successful. I’m resisting looking for and reading another self-help book/video. What I need is action and practice. What do I need to do? What is my next step? What comes to mind is first is:

I need to clear my mind by: not multi-tasking, doing one thing at a time
stop wasting time scrolling through social media, googling for needless information

I think that these two things are enough for me to work on and chart on for this week. I will get better results if I am mindful and not overburdened. These last two mornings I am mindful, noticing that it doesn’t take any more time or energy if I put things back neatly where they belong instead of just tossing them to wherever. In fact it saves time and energy. A light bulb moment. I am a slow learner!

I FOUGHT MYSELF AND I WON

January 4, 2019 4:41 pm

I have heard that I’m my own worse enemy. It could be true. I’m always wrestling with myself, getting myself all knotty over nothing alot of the time. Life shouldn’t have to be that difficult or complex. It does not need micro managing. A little chaos now and again keeps it fresh and interesting. I need to loosen up, have a little fun and just do the best I can. Nobody is judging me except myself.

How am I going about doing it? Well here is the plan. It’s not well-laid but it’s a start. Movement/action is the most important thing. Otherwise I’ll be crouched and frozen at the starting line till I fall over.

Stop judging and comparing myself. It is probably the most difficult thing.
Try not to fall off the plan. If I do, I need to get back on or adjust if it’s not a good one.
the 3 musts – sleep, diet, exercise
Do Julia Cameron’s Morning Pages and Artist Dates.
Tend to things as they arise. Do not leave them for the morrow.
Read The Four Agreements again.

These are some of the things in my plan. They are enough for now. More can be too much and overwhelming. These grey wintry days are hard for me and my moody personalities. I can’t see my evil twins. They come from the inside out, erupting from within. I am without warning. But I am a little more cognizant now but often I forget till after the damage is done.

My moody sisters can stall me, leaving me open mouthed and stammering. What the hell? It takes a little while before things click and I take back control. But sometimes they do steamroll over me. I’m flattened and down without recognizing their handiwork. It is those times I fall off the wagon and lack the will/strength to climb back on. What is the use, was my mantra.

I try not to say that or other negatives any more. Words are powerful and what I tell myself and others matter. I have to change and sing a different tune.

LIKE THE LIONS

“Patience” and “Fortitude”, the “Library Lion” statues, in the snowstorm of Dec. 1948 from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_York_Public_Library

January 14th, 9:30 am. The sun finally shows itself. The day is supposed to be longer. It’s only so minusculely, lengthening by mini seconds daily. Patience and fortitude are the words necessary for this month. I picture myself sitting stalwart and at attention like the lions guarding the entrance to the New York Public Library. They sit proud and strong, through thick, thin and smog. They do not waver. They endure in sun, rain, sleet and snow. That is how I want to be. That’s how I can be. I have knowledge. I have training. I have tools.

I am sitting in sunshine, in the warmth of my space, starting a new day. I’ve gotten up, dressed up with make-up and earrings even. I’ve smarten up, pulling up my pants and bootstraps. So it is January. It is cold, dark and difficult. What can I do about it? I can turn on the lights, crank up the heat and put one foot in front of the other. I don’t have far to go. I don’t have to go anywhere at all, except to the bathroom now and then. I got tired of listening to my same whiny words. Maybe they were just thoughts nobody heard except myself.

I do believe in the power of words and action. If you don’t like something, do something about it. I find it troubling yesterday posting for Gentle January 2018 for the prompt I WANT. All that I could feel was the emptiness of wants. I do not hunger or lust after any material wants beyond those of shelter, clothing and food. I wonder if a psychologist would label me depressed on an interview. I am not even othered much by Sheba’s hair and muddy paw tracks on the floor. Imagine! Muddy paws in January. It’s no wonder I am depressed if I am.

But wait! I do lust after a cup of tea/decaf, a sit in the sun with a good book. I am not totally bland. I still feel that dull gnaw of ugh in my being. I keep it on these pages only. Who could possibly understand ughs? Oh, certainly not those perpetual joyful souls. I tried to smooth out my whines with my little index card paintings. Sometimes I can eke out some slivers of comfort and joy with brushstrokes in the night. Time is not wasted in sleeplessness, tossing and turning. I have something to show in the morning. Life can be dang challenging. But I did say I like challenges, didn’t I? No worries. I’m going to bake them away making Toll House Squares. There’s nothing like the smell of chocolate baking to chase the blues away. How about you? Do you get the blues?

SMELLING THE FLOWERS

As always a death announcement always makes one do a retake of one’s own life. This is especially when the deceased had just resigned from a job three or so weeks ago – James Flaherty, our former finance minister, age 64.

It’s a reminder for me that life is not forever and we have to live each and every day. We don’t have to wait till…it’s the right time, till we have enough money, till we retire. The right time is now. There are so many wonderful sweet things in life to explore and enjoy. They are right here, if we can open our eyes and see. Sometimes I get wrapped up in the worries and cares and forget the joys of doing.

Even though spring is late, the sky is grey and the way strewn with many a thorn, let me leap forward with joy and anticipation of what the day can bring. I can choose my actions and sometimes that can bring the emotions. Fake it till you make it! We’re talking about putting one foot in front of the other and walking the talk. Darn! I do talk too much. It still happens even when I vowed to do otherwise. Well, I am doing the best I can. And that is all I can ask of myself.

It is the 11th day of the challenge. I’m still here, writing, doodling, filling my page with words and pictures. Eleven days feel like a very l-o-n-g time. Maybe I shouldn’t count.

WORDS INTO ACTION

Now that I have committed myself on paper, it is time to turn the words into action.

I rose and shone this morning, stretched and moved. It wasn’t easy and I wasn’t pretty about it. Nonetheless, I did it.

Nothing has to be perfect. And life certainly isn’t. I love Regina Brett’s phrase, Get up, dress up, and show up. That is big – showing up. You are the star of your life. If you don’t show up, well there is no show.

I have learned from past failures on what not to do if I want to make progress. I can’t keep doing the same things if I want to get different results. Change is necessary for change. I can’t take giant leaps ahead before I have the muscles. Otherwise I will probably stumble and fall. My head has finally stopped throbbing from its crack on the ice. Do I want more unnecessary pain? Absolutely not.

Baby steps are okay, but at some point you have to let go. You have to take a chance and stride forward into action – first one step, then another. Now I’m doing a slow jog down life’s lane – a few steps at a time. Then I slow down and let Sheba dawdle and sniff the grass. I let the sun shine on my face and breathe in the fresh air. Enough sniffing! Time to jog again.

I’m learning to be more fluid and flexible. It is okay to let go a little, relax and have fun. You can’t go at it hard. It’s not about all or nothing. There’s in betweens, greys and even paler shades of white. “It’s all about balance”, is not just an inane phrase. It is the truth.

I’m losing my doldrums already. It feels good to have something to strive for. My endorphins are rising in me. Goodness gracious, great balls of fire! I better stop here. Tomorrow is another day. Yes Scarlett, there is tomorrow.

DO ONE THING

They say that a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. He, who coined that phrase is such a wise man. Everything begins with a single action.

It is Boxing Day. How did I get here? It has been a tough week, what with battling the flu and other mayhems. You could say that we hacked our way through everything. Even Sheba got sick….threw up four times yesterday. Yuck! Poor baby!

But, at long last, I think I’m going to make it….thanks to my leftover stash of drugs from my overseas trip last winter. Christmas morning at 3 am found me up, googling ciprofloxacin and doxycycline – which one to take. Now I know we’re not suppose to self medicate but I was distraught from coughing and worried about the funny noises coming from my chest.

I think I’ve turned the corner but life does not looking easy. Everything looks messier and dirtier. Sheba’s hair seem to be everywhere. What to do and where to start? And so that is where I am at. I tell myself: Just do one thing. At least it will be something done.

My one thing was chasing down Sheba and brushing her out, ridding at least some of her hair. And it is a reminder that there cannot be perfection here. There will be less hair. That is the way life is.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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