Tag Archives: moods

As the World Turns

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Another cloudy and windy day. On top of that there’s smoke from forest fires in Manitoba. It’s easy to feel anxious and uneasy. Life goes on. Still no rain. I take a tylenol and sip my coffee. The thing about having a greenhouse is you have to tend it whether you feel like it or not. The lettuce and spinach are going great guns. I harvest some for a friend. The snowpeas are pea-ing but not quite ready yet. I watered the seedlings still waiting to be planted out. Chores keep me moving out of my morose mood and thoughts.

I am not in the best of forms. I won’t for a long while yet but I can strive to do my best even on my worse days. The earth continues to turn on its axis, the sun still rises in the east and set in the west. I must do my part of putting one foot in front of the other and be with what is. That is the way for me to move forward. So I take deep breaths, sip my coffee/tea, tap on the keyboard and sigh alot. I step out the door into the world. I have to keep up or I shall be left behind. I get lost. I keep going and I found my way after awhile.

Another day is almost done. I haven’t drawn my teacup yet. I’ve spent time with friends in the morning. In the afternoon my sister and I took our father to the Berry Barn for coffee. The weather was not the best but we made the best of it. We wandered through the greenhouse before heading to the Barn for coffee and Saskatoon berry pie. It was a wonderful day and afternoon outing despite the weather and inspite of my mood.

Looking for Happy

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A cloudy afternoon. It’s not very uplifting. I’m drowsy, wanting to shut my eyes to the world. I don’t. I sip my coffee, I tap a few words and I sip some more. I think chocolate cake might be good now. The trouble is we ate the last of it yesterday. I have to think of something else to lift me up. I wonder why I’m such a sad sack, always searching for happiness.

Why is it so elusive? Am I searching in all the wrong places? Do I even know what it is? How will I know when I find it? I’m sure they are age-old questions with no answers. Still, it is good to voice them even if it is just to trick my brain into work. I finish my coffee. I get up and sweep the kitchen floor. So much dust and food crumbs every day! Too bad there’s no such thing as self-sweeping floors. Then what will we do with ourselves?

I pick myself up and dust myself off. Time to go and see my father. He is alone and lonely without my mother. I zipped onto his driveway and let myself into the house. I announced that we are going to Market Mall. I have a few things to pick up at Freshco. I load the wheelchair in the trunk, helped him with the seat belt and off we went. We cruise the aisles of the grocery store. My father bought 2 tomatoes. I bought a couple of snack food. We cruised the mall, my father pushing the wheelchair for support. We finished with coffee. The vendor was a bit annoyed that I use a credit card for $2.50. It’s easy. No fumbling around for change.

On the way back, I stopped in our back alley to show him my live in’s boat. Dad surprised us by climbing up with a bit of help to check out everything. He was impressed with the cabin, that it had everything in it. I was worried about how he was going to get down. He surprised me again by doing it. He will be 94 in July. He did say that it was his first and last time on the boat. He said his legs were shaking so badly. But he was laughing, looking excited and happy. I am, too, seeing him thus.

How Not to Lose the Day

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The clouds and wind are playing havoc on my well-being. They are not helping me in getting on with the day. I can’t afford to lose energy that I don’t have to my moods. I took a tylenol and am pulling up my socks. I feel limp but I can put one foot in front of the other. I can still move all body parts. I do the dishes. I soak some snowpea seeds to plant in the community garden. I paint a teacup and posted it on Instagram.

I make a cup of chrysanthemum tea. I take a sip and close my eyes, relaxing and smoothing out the space in my forehead. I take a few deep breaths in and then out slowly, focusing on the word joy. I let go of trying to control my body. I let it be how it is and rested. It’s true a rest is as good as a change. I’m feeling much better, having taking time off from trying to feel better. Sometimes I get too focused on things and I stall instead of flow.

I haven’t saved the day but I haven’t lost it either. I haven’t planted any more garden or pot up more seedlings. However, I have watered them. I’ve checked my lilies for scarlet lily beetles and dusted them with diatomaceous earth as well as dusting the earth around the lilies. So far that is helpful. I’m slowly learning that I am a person who can do smalls only. I am incapable of being a cyclone. I don’t have that kind of energy. My smalls do add up.

Bit and Pieces

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Here I am again, sitting in sunshine, sipping my tea. I’m tired already, thinking too much on life, death and taxes. I’m working on not letting all that get me down. That’s life as people like to say. Every day babies are born and people die. We know we can’t escape the tax man. I must set a time within the next 6 days to file mine. Everything sits heavy. There’s no escape. Maybe a tylenol might give me some ease.

I don’t want life to drown me. I’m trying to find my way to the shore and get on solid ground. I tell myself feelings aren’t always real. I can still move and function well inspite of them. My mantra in life has always been No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. During this April it has been make it simple, make it easy. I break jobs into bits and pieces. They add up. I’ve been doing things this way for a long time, even in writing. First, a word, then a sentence. String them together and you have a paragraph. I learned the importance of one small step at a time from Anne Lamott’s book, Bird by Bird. It’s a wonderful little book.

It applies not only to writing, but just about everything in life as well. I’ve sewn 100 log cabin quilt squares that way a few years ago. I have yet to put them together though. It’ll be my square by square project in winter. I talked about getting moving on with my gardening. All I could do yesterday was water the greenhouse and plop 4 cauliflower seedlings in the raised bed outside. It’s not much but it’s not nothing. This morning I’ve managed to pot up 3 squash sprouted seeds before my mood got the better of me. I’m getting things done, living life in bits and pieces.

Possibilities and Change

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Photo by Hatice Nou011fman on Pexels.com

It’s taken my whole dang life to get my shit together. It’s okay. It is a worthwhile life long project and I love learning. I’ve just spent 2 hours cleaning house. I’m sitting down with my cup of tea. It is a sunny morning. I’ve planted a few Chinese broccoli seedlings in the greenhouse. The radishes planted yesterday are looking good. The tulips by the front of the house are up. Amazon just delivered my electric kettle. I’m feeling pretty chipper.

I’ve realized now that I have given too much attention to my moods in the past. Everyone has them and I am no worse for them. I function very well, no matter which mood I am in. I’ve learned that I can choose how to feel. Some days it is harder than others. It is through living with it all that I grow and gain experience. It’s what gives my life flavour. So I shall try to whine less about my usual stuff, relax a little and try to have more fun if I can. Being a serious person, I’m really not a fan of fun. But I can learn to change.

I am always surprised at how much I can change once I open myself to that possibility. I can be a fast learner once I make up my mind.

TAMING MY BEAST

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December 27. I’m having one of those early morning awakenings when I can’t fall back to sleep. It was better for me to get up rather than lay in the dark with dark and unpleasant thought and feelings. It is 7:00 am an -12℃ outside. I’m on my second cup of tea, have scrolled through social media and played today’s Wordle. It would be better if I could skip the scrolling but it’s become part of my morning routine for waking up. 

Surprisingly, my bad thoughts and feelings dissipated with my rising, turning on the lights, brushing my teeth and having my cups of tea. I am surprised only because I have been/am paying attention to when these moods come and go. They had been more frequent in the past. I like to think that I now have a better handle on them. Even though I know better and that I am not alone, I feel alone. I know I am not a failure but feel so in these times.

So this is the nature of my beast. I have accepted and befriended it. I am becoming a scientist in its investigation. I wonder how I can use it for my betterment instead of detriment. For one thing, it has made me realize that I can control it. I am not at its mercy. It has driven me to seek not only the why of its existence but also ways to work with it so that life can be as easeful, pleasant and meaningful as possible. I’m seeking ways of being kinder to myself with less self blame.

It is not the best time to be a think tank when I am being squeezed by my beast. My brain is in a thick fog. It would’t be able to figure out how to get out of a wet paper bag. The best activities for me would be to clean anything – like wash the dishes, floors, windows. I can still draw pretty good in these moods. Tapping out the words and moods is soothing and comforting. Cross country skiing is my newest, most fun and effective tool. My mind and senses are fully occupied. There’s no room for dark and ugly thoughts.

This is it, all that I’m able to write today. I had fallen off my writing wagon for a week. A week ago, I was bright eye and bushy tailed. A week ago it was sunny and bitterly cold, in the -30s ℃. But I felt oh so well. I feel better now just remembering how good I felt. I will hang on to the memory. My spirit dipped on December 24 when it got cloudy and up to -16℃ overnight from -34℃. We’re in for a stretch of clouds and snow ahead. I’m geared to make my own sunshine.

HAPPY AGAIN

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December 2. Good evening. It is another day. I am happy again. How it came about, I don’t know. I feel as if my heart got a gentle shower of energy and converted back into happiness rhythm. I am grateful. It pays not to give up and give in to my moods. I did not fight them but accepted them for whatever they are. I gave them their space for they are a part of me. Perhaps I need them to do better and be better than what I presently am. I can become static and dull with contentment. 

My moods are my friends. Without them, I might not push myself outside for my daily ski. Movement and exercise calms my restlessness and irritability. They help me to sleep at night. No matter how cloudy or grey the day is, it is always brighter outside. Cross country skiing is just the ticket for me. It gets me out. Sheba used to do that before she went to dog heaven. I have many happy memories of us running and jumping for joy on the frozen river.

Now I have my ski in the park instead. I seem to thrive in the cold. l’m out most days. I was out today in – 25℃. It did not feel cold. Instead I felt pumped, breaking trail again through fresh fallen snow. I am challenged and excited learning a new physical skill. I’m getting better and stronger, making a straighter track. I went once around the park, twice around, then three. It was just me, the trees and the snow. It was quiet and serene. It was heaven.

FOR NO REASON

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I have days when I fall into foul and dark moods for no explicable reasons. I’ve never questioned the validity of my feelings till lately. When I asked myself, Why do I feel so angry and pissed off? I could find no good reason. A poor sleep aggravates my dourness greatly. Faced with that knowledge, I had to ask myself a more important question. How do I get myself out of this fix?

It’s not good to sit with these feelings. They tend to mushroom and grow bigger and darker. One of the ways that works for me is coming to this writing space to air my angst, known and unknown ones. The rhythmic tapping on the keyboard soothes and smooths the wrinkles in my brain. I’m flossing my nervous system. If flossing works for sciatica and other conditions, it should work for my brain angst, too. Of course the exercise technique is different for each malady. It’s up to me to pay attention to what works for me.

I’m able to come out of myself a bit tapping for a solution to a problem. My attention, thoughts and feelings are redirected to a different direction. I’m not locked in. It’s not just about me. The world is a big place. There is the whole universe. The Queen has died. While I am not a royal follower, I enjoyed watching her committal service on YouTube. I was fascinated by the colours and pageantry and it’s happened in my life time. It’s quite remarkable. It really brought me out of the doldrums. How could I stay immuned to life and joy watching it all? I might sound paradoxical since it was a funeral. But to me it was a joyful celebration of a life well lived.

I do not have to understand why I fall into my moods. Usually I blame the weather and how it changes. It’s better than blaming myself. The important thing is being aware of : 1)When do they happen? 2)Can I avert them? 3)What can I learn from them? 4)Are they all bad? I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have my moods. How boring life would be if there was no ups and downs, with just one flat line. Don’t get me wrong. I am not a fan of bungee jumping or skydiving.

FLYDAY, THE 13TH

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It’s Friday, Chinese AirForce Day, as someone once called it. I took the bait and asked why. He said, It’s F-l-y-day. Would you call that a racial slur? Anyways, I chuckled like a good agreeable Chinese woman. I wasn’t offended, honest. I’m a little sleep deprived. I couldn’t sleep past 3 this morning. I hate it when that happens. And it does occasionally, especially when the weather shifts. I whine about the weather alot. Not only it disrupts my sleep but also my moods.

There’s alot I could whine about but I’m too tired. My edginess have worn off and I’m pretty mellow. My AM Energizer class certainly helped. My serotonin level was further elevated by lunch with the “YWCA” girls, our first in 2 years at the Parktown. We had a good time but we do miss the buffet which is no more. So many changes in 2 years. The diningroom was mostly empty except for us. It was a good and bad thing at the same time.

I am just poking along here, keeping up with my routines. I have just finished reading Naomi Judd’s book, River of Time and watched Ashley Judd speaking to Diane Sawyer about her mother’s suicide by a firearm. So sad! I have to be careful that I don’t dwell on all this too much. I am not emotionally fragile but vulnerable. Having experienced depression myself, I admire and have great respect for Naomi and her two daughters. Life is hard and messy and their lives certainly were. Wyona described it perfectly when she said they literally went from the shit house to the White House. What a journey and what an adjustment. Now they have more to adjust to. River of Time is a worthwhile read.

I am happy to say that I have a handle on my moods. Knock on wood. I have worked very hard every day to maintain good mental health. I have read countless books on the subject. I’ve put what I’ve learned to practice. One of those was getting Sheba. She took me out of the house and out of my bad moods. I got a heavy dose of nature and exercise. We went out rain, snow or sunshine. We were more regular than the mailman. Now she’s gone but she’s prepared me well. She certainly had earned her keep. I love her forever – then and now.

WHINING TIMES

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So..I’m experiencing a low grade kind of the blues. It’s the kind of nibbles on the edges of my mind, keeping me a bit uncomfortable, feeling guilty, feeling selfish. It’s whispering to me that I can do more, be more of this and that. It’s kind of convincing though not necessarily the truth. I thought it best I come here and toss things around like you would a salad. The heavy stuff tend to sink to the bottom. I like to bring some of them up to the top. I like to have a good look at them.

I had to get another cup of tea, of course, and have a scroll through social media and star gaze a little. Not that I am such a fan of Nicole Kidman and Keith Urbane. I’ve seen some of her movies but I’ve never listened to his music. I like Johnny Depp as an actor, but he is kind of a scary dude with a sinister smile. And all those rings! I bet they can cause serious damage if they connect with your face. I’ve never heard of Amber Heard before this but I believe her. I am really surprised at how much support Johnny Depp is getting and how much trashing Amber is getting, even from women. But enough of this movie stars shit. What about me?

Yes, what about me? I’m trying not to let my moods and feelings interfere with life. I am listening to them and giving them due respect. The thing is no matter how I feel, I still have to get up, dress up and show up. No matter what, I would feel better if I wash my face, brush my teeth and fashion my hair in the morning. I’m really wisening up – late. It’s better than never. I could save myself time and angst if I develop some good followup habits. What do I mean? Okay, some examples:

  • meditate every moring to clear my mind. It helps to keep distraction to a minimum.
  • complete each task and put everything back in place before moving on
  • write down reminders
  • do what I can today rather than tomorrow
  • throw out things that are of no use today rather than tomorrow
  • make a daily schedule of what needs/want to do
  • schedule regular write times here. So I will show up here Monday, Wednesday and Fridays. They coincide with my aerobic exercise classes. They will be my whining times to get things off my chest, to hatch new ideas, to mark my progresss.

I think this is enough for today. Best keep it short and not overwhelm myself. Too much could and would throw me off track. I have successfully tossed my salad. The weighty stuff dealt with and nothing nagging on the edges of my mind. No voices whispering in my ear.